Artistic Drywall Man Not Very Tall

Inspired by a translated copy of The Fountainhead, a Central American drywall install specialist continued his Chicago quest to make closets that inspire, that come from his soul, and don't conform to useless standards imposed by the mindless masses. Unfortunately, his contractors keep firing him for his inability to create entryways that American adults can fit through. The fired drywall specialist is now being represented by an activist attorney specializing in discrimination against immigrant employees who suffer from undiagnosed spatial recognition disorder, sometimes referred to as Mayan Syndrome.
North Center

Carlton Sheets Acolyte Now Selling Herbalife

One foreclosed building owner, in Chicago's tony Roscoe Village neighborhood, blames his broken VCR for his inability to turn Guru Sheets sage advice into a Chicago real estate empire.

"I bought my first building here in late 2006, got some tenants, and started watching the second tape, "Using your new equity", when my stupid stupid VCR went. Gone! I spent a year trying to fix it, then said screw it, tried to sell, didn't know what I was doing wrong, and then decided to let the bank take it. But hey, it took them four years to foreclose, I still made some cash, and, uh,hey, you want to try this drink here. Really, it's awesome. You'll love it. Go ahead, take a sip..."
ROSCOE VILLAGE(building altered for legal reasons, tapes real)

Angry Old Man Won't Let Buyers In

Despite providing him with the secret code, offering naming rights to their second born, promising to keep the pink tiles in the guest bathroom, assuring that the paneling will remain in the basement, and swearing to never turn the heat past 62, a young chipper professional couple was outraged when this stone faced curmudgeon refused to let them pass. LAKEVIEW

Dogs Prohibited from Airing in Logan Square

As neighborhoods in Chicago change, so do the expectations of residents. Logan Square and Humboldt Park were once a haven for canines who were allowed to air freely and without harassment, but as new inhabitants stake claim to the once public parkways, dogs are finding it increasingly difficult to aire.
Logan Square / Humboldt Park

Mysterious Electrical Fire Baffles Everyone

After accepting a contractor who not only offered the lowest bid, but assured the owners he could do work without a permit, a Pilsen family is still trying to discover why a fire erupted in their kitchen while microwaving dinner while blowdrying the children's hair while toasting some stale bread. PILSEN

Junkmail Protests Lead to Bigger Peepholes

More Chicago residents are joining the growing junkmail protest movement erupting throughout the country by removing their mailboxes. Some northside owners and tenants have noted the added benefit of a large security window. One resident commented, "Now I don't even open the gate. Pizza man just put the pizza in the mailbox, and Boom, I get my food, and he don't get in my place. Never did trust that pizza man." Albany Park

Lion King Loses Crown

The Lion King has recently been spotted around Logan Square, the fourth such sighting in the last week, but unfortunately his crown has been displaced and he is asking for your assistance in returning it. No mention of an award was mentioned but he appeared open to negotiation. LOGAN SQUARE

Banks Putting the Unemployed to Work

Whether it's increased federal regulation or a growing conscience for the plight of the nation's least fortunate, banks have begun hiring the jobless to paint foreclosed properties, and as of today, May 9th, both parties appear very content with the results. HUMBOLDT PARK

Chicago Sells Off Sidewalks to Hasbro

In his continued push to allow the private sector to control elements of Chicago's infrastructure, the Mayor has begun leasing sections of Chicago's highly prized sidewalks.

Some residents have already begun complaining that walking on certain portions of the leased sidewalk could mean an immediate trip to jail. And a few keen eyes have noted that the promised 'free parking' is nothing more than a gimmick since the one available spot is always occupied by a mysterious black van. One member of the city's highly influential government subsidized population was excited about the prospect of gaining 200 dollars for "nothing more than walking around the block." AVONDALE

Squatters Using Reptiles to Thwart Buyers

Fed up with the endless stream of prospective buyers interrupting their quality of life, a group of Bridgeport foreclosure squatters turned their basement into a snake terrarium. Now they are besieged with calls from reptile enthusiasts from around the Midwest. One squatter was overheard telling his fellow squatter, "people just don't respect your right to live peacefully anymore." BRIDGEPORT

Owner Reluctantly Sells off Ruins

After generations of trusted guardianship, the owner of the famous East Albany Park Ruins has decided to sell of his family's prized possession. When asked why he decided to not trust a realtor who specializes in delicate ruin properties, he responded, "dis is very emotional for da family. Dis was a special place for all da neighbors to come, and I know da times are tough, but I ain't sellin' dis here property to any ol' person, and dose realtor folk, dey don't care. I wants somebody who gonna care for dis here special place, ya know?" ALBANY PARK