Chicago Cracks Down on Illegal Fireplaces

The City of Chicago, under fresh leadership from Mayor Emanuel, allegedly has been targeting owners of illegal fireplaces, such as the seller of this Albany Park home, who refused to give his address for fear that the notoriously ruthless city inspectors will discover his illicit heating device.
Albany Park

Ceasefire Reaches Out to Pretty Men

In order to fend off the alleged pending lawsuits of discrimination, rumors have it that Ceasefire, the nationally acclaimed local organization that intervenes in gang disputes to prevent further violence, is now reaching out to the white male preppy population, the white male hipster population, and the white male tight tee shirt population in order to settle long stemming feuds that are leading to a rabid increase in young white males coming home late to dinner or forsaking their dessert altogether. Young women throughout the city have been supporting Ceasefire in growing numbers as evidenced by this bedroom in a Logan Square home for sale.
LOGAN SQUARE

Gremlin Locked in Room During Showing

A recent showing was met with loud noises behind a highly secured door. These weren't your typical domesticated pet noises but rather something like this, "GrrrrAAAAAwackwackwackGrrAhhhhhhhhhhhh"
When the seller was asked why he went with the Bungee Security System rather than ADT or something more local like Schlage or Kwikset, he responded, "Oh, that, uh, uh, that's just to keep the door shut cause, you know, uh, it, uh, like opens, all the time.
"GrrrrrrAAAAAwackwackGrrAhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Humboldt Park

Short Selling Owners Dealing Moonshine

In an effort to hide money from their lender, some homesellers, attempting to shortsale their home, are resorting to basement speakeasies where they are easily able to disguise the $34 in revenue they earn from weekend Miller Lite sales. It's probably no coincidence that these underground watering holes are popping up in the mayoral umbilical cord of Bridgeport.
Bridgeport

Tenant Re-purposes Hunk of Iron

Confused about the 'stupid piece of tall metal on the bathroom floor', a recently arrived tenant from Miami decided to turn it into a towel rack. He was later overheard asking the owner where the thermostat for the air conditioner was.
Old Irving Park

Owner Forgot about THAT Wall

The seller of this Avondale multi-unit was allegedly overheard telling people, "hey, I had no idea that wall was there. I Swear. The Builder told me he could make me a nice deck." Luckily for this seller, the real estate industry is composed of many junior college advertising majors, and now this building is being advertised with a "unique Manhattan terrace." At least they didn't say it's located in North Logan Square.
AVONDALE

Wired for Surround Sound

Developers have always been a crafty lot, bringing the buying public such needed amenities as berber carpet, ceramic tile, and granite. Ohhhhh, how we swoon for granite. Well, times are a changing, and despite buyers still demanding luxuries like pre-wired walls for home entertainment systems, developers are being forced to cut on expenses. In this recent rehab, in the Chicago neighborhood of Humboldt Park, the developer showed off his green building techniques by using less wire, same full sound.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Shh @t Properties Cares

In an effort to show how much the realty industry cares about it's clients, this note was originally found attached (with a very fine paperclip) to the unfortunate cyclist who locked his bicycle to the outside of this fence while he briefly went inside a neighboring house which did not have a fence.

Well the secret may not be out, so....shh @t properties is a valued member of the community who refuses to let careless bike owners utilize the exterior of a fence. And to celebrate it's impeccable property care, that is, shh @t properties, has recently announced a generous price cut to the property from whence this caring noticed was placed. That's right, shh @t properties is now offering this new construction split face block brick faced home for the low low price of 1.25 million dollars. That is a steal...and you know why, well,
shh @t properties originally wanted 1.7 million dollars, but four years of market time later, they have come to realize that their client deserves the best representation possible. And now that the neighboring home is selling for $335,000, a lucky buyer will benefit. You heard it here, but it's still our secret:
Shh @t properties. They're everywhere.
LAKEVIEW

DIY WTF

In an effort to utilize natural resources for modern day comforts, these Bridgeport tenants have harnessed the power of the sun to power their space heater, which then runs their washing machine, which doubles as a meat grinder to produce kitty nibble which can be proudly displayed atop the 'Miracle Box'.
BRIDGEPORT

Automobiles Now Facing Foreclosure

After three years of a home mortgage crisis, in which owners are abandoning their properties rather than pay the bank money they had previously agreed to pay, the disease of irresponsibility seems to be spreading to the collector car market. The owner of this American Classic was overheard telling friends at a Sox game, "I put over fifteen k into that car, and nobody wants to buy it. You know how much I owe on that...fugeddaboutit. Let 'dem come to my place and take it."
McKinley Park

Boogey Man Trapped

Since last Friday, when this Logan Square couple re-arranged their twin sons' bedroom, the resident boogeyman has been unable to escape his closet cave and inflict psychological torment upon the two little innocents who sleep here. The downstairs tenants have complained that every night, around 3am, they hear a high pitched squeal followed by a few kicks, and a faint odor has begun to creep through their windows.
LOGAN SQUARE

Stairs Unhappy About Wife's Decorating

After nearly a century of uninhibited views across the foyer, this 93 year old Little Italy staircase has had enough. First the new owners, mainly that 'woman who thinks she knows where everything goes', filled the foyer with large tropical plants. Then she moved the plants and put a table covered with vases. But now, now she's really done it by placing two couches and a coffee table right in the 'god damn entryway'.

The staircase voiced his concern about the future of foyers, and for that matter, grand staircases, "I'm afraid I may be the one out of the times. Afterall, I've spent my whole life inside this handcrafted brick rowhome. And this woman, well she is the future. Soon doors will open directly into the living room and stairs will be hidden behind doors. I think I'm going to die now. Goodbye."
LITTLE ITALY

Poor People are Hungry

A group of Logan Square residents, upset over the fact the no one wants to pay them a living wage to create clothes hanger sculptures that represent the symbiosis between modern culture and ancient cloth, have taken to decorating the sides of garages, including this foreclosure, with their new mantra. When asked to explain their motives, a spokesperson said, "hey man, it's cause of these rich people that I'm stuck eating raw ramen noodles every night. So LET'S EAT THEM!!" When asked who he thought would support his art, the spokesperson meekly quipped, "Somebody who will pay me what it's worth."
LOGAN SQUARE