Birder Evades ComEd, Once Again

This northwest side homeowner and avid birder has been the envy of her Jefferson Park neighbors for years due to her extensive backyard gardening. And for the 67th continuous month, ComEd electric workers have left her home just assuming she "was sum green freak usin' da solah power'. Too bad they never looked up to see the smirk from behind the attic window rocking chair.
JEFFERSON PARK

Building Desperately Fights Loser Status

Dismayed why nobody seems to appreciate her almond colored electric stoves and plush, albeit faded, wall to f'n wall carpeting, not to mention, she wants to mention, certified flagstone lobby, this loser is calling Lakeview's attention, but nobody seems to have told her that a pretty pink scarf ain't big enough to cover a really ugly face.
LAKEVIEW

Chicago Mandates Meters for Homes

Drastic budget cuts have forced the City of Chicago to re-locate over 200,000 discarded parking meters. The city is claiming that those who forsake either a condominium or apartment for a single family home are enjoying luxury at the expense of better urban planning and they will be taxed accordingly. Meter maids will have the right to enter the basement between 8am and 9pm, seven days a week. Three tickets will result in a boot being put around your front door.
Logan Square

Saint of Cross-Dressers Harbors Virgin

The resident of this Humboldt Park two flat spent all afternoon searching for her beloved Virgin Mary only to find her hiding out inside Chupita, sacred Saint of Cross-Dressers.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Vietnam Vet Still Hoping for Nixon Return

Despite losing the function of both arms in Vietnam, and receiving Vietnam quality healthcare at the local VA hospital, this homeseller clearly knows the outcome of electing a well intentioned progressive.
LOGAN SQUARE

The Walls...won't....stop...won't....stop

The upstairs hallway of this Andersonville home is currently receiving high doses of medication and unavailable for comment
ANDERSONVILLE

New Security Windows Gaining Popularity

Fed up with security bars and glass block windows, some paranoid Chicago homeowners are opting for Siding Windows, the latest in the vinyl siding craze that has swept the country since Carter left office. Siding Windows promise "All the beauty of Siding, without the hassle of a window"
HUMBOLDT PARK

Hipster Can't Make up His Mind

A local Chicago man, commonly referred to as "that hipster guy", was told he can choose one of these barely functioning energy inefficient appliances for his birthday, but as of press time, he is still figuring out which one works best with his Bruce Lee wallpaper and Smurf light fixture.
Albany Park, Mayfair

TurboTax Offering Free Upgrades

In a formal notice, recently announced in this Bucktown 3Flat, those who wish to commit homicide against certain minorities can simply use TurboTax, or for those with incomes below $42,000, the official IRS website is providing free assistance.
BUCKTOWN

Key to Seller's Heart Found

After days of trying to convince the seller of an overpriced Bucktown two flat that his outdated slanting two flat was no longer worth $700,000, the Buyer's located the key to his heart, located in the foyer right above his collection of Boca Raton condo brochures.
BUCKTOWN

Ground Angry at Heating Devices

The ground continues to disappear beneath this long standing couple, having spent the last 16 years in tranquil, but firm solitude, casting shadows to scare outsiders from entering their damp confines. Then their Master deserted them, and they started leaking, so the ground decided to abandon them.
Old Irving Park

Garfield Park Full of Women

In an effort to attract more men to this heavily female dominated block of Garfield Park, in Chicago's Near West Side, the extremely powerful, some say omnipotent, Sell-r is offering to train MEN for the challenge of living with so many women.
GARFIELD PARK

IKEA Offering Circuit Breaker Cabinetry

The increase in Do-it-Yourself home renovators has led IKEA to offer a KLÜTZKÅBINET specially designed for people who hang cabinets directly over electrical circuit breaker panels. They will extend the line to cover those who install medicine cabinets over light switches, and plan on introducing KRÅPKRÄPPR for those who forget to install their toilets over the waste drain pipe.
ALBANY PARK

Ralph Loren Using Chicago Garden Apt.

In an effort to appeal to the 'urban market', world renowned fragrance purveyor and closeted hunter, Ralph Loren, has set up a testing facility in a Logan Square garden apartment. A faint smell of rotting flesh would occasionally overwhelm the visitor which explained why Ralphie asked us to stay away from the locked second bedroom.
LOGAN SQUARE