Obama Announces Make-Your-Own-Kitchen

In an effort to boost foreclosure sales which will assist banks in reducing their bloated inventory and expedite the national housing recovery, President Obama has announced Make Your Own Kitchen, a government sponsored plan that will entice buyers with glossy promotional photos of their new potential kitchens and provide them with a $100 Home Depot gift card at closing. The President told the reporters that he plans on announcing Make-Your-Own-Bathroom & Make-Your-Own-House in the near future.
Ukrainian Village

Buyer Tempted to Get Drunk & Buy Home

The executor of this estate sale left out a fresh round of grog with hopes that the buyers would get trashed, take themselves back to 1973, and forget about the wall panels, drop foam ceilings, caca brown carpeting, and 'Gerald Ford, He's Our Man'posters, then make a full price offer on a home where the beer steins cost more than the kitchen.
Albany Park

Buyers Can't Get Vending Machine to Work

The potential buyers of this Chicago bungalow were surprised to find that pushing buttons on this vintage soda machine yielded Elvis, and not dusty bottles of corn-syrup free coca-cola. More frantic pushing led to a polka cover of Chuck Berry showcasing America's earliest attempts at desegregation.
Portage Park

Panicked Sellers Resorting to Voodoo Dolls

Haitian high priests have been spotted around the Logan Square neighborhood taking the place of the usually reliable Pentecostal and Mormon door knockers, who have been unable to convince desperate home sellers that either tongue speaking or magic underwear will assist them in offloading their home.
LOGAN SQUARE

Seller Guilt Trips Buyers

The seller of this Northwest Side three flat left a hat on his kitchen table to make sure the buyer's knew he was short selling for a reason. The buyers responded with, "What the heck is he doing with the extra $2,000 a month from rent he's still making?"
Happening in neighborhoods throughout Chicago.
MAYFAIR

Turquoise Big with Midgets this Year

In a trend seen around the nation, Chicago's little people are stealing the tall people's mid-century thunder by adopting cool refreshing 50's colors to suit their diminutive living standards. Tall people have revolted by re-claiming Restoration Hardware taupe.
Portage Park

Broke Sellers Forced to Eat Plastic Cereal

Disappointed that their $650,000 home is worth the same as it was seven years ago, this Edgewater couple decided to add sympathy points to their showings by leaving out a bowl of the plastic fruit & cereal they have been consuming while they undergo their hardship. However, we did overhear that dinner reservations at The Girl and The Goat had been pushed back until 8:30.
ANDERSONVILLE

Foreclosed Homeowners Practicing for Waco, Part II

With no signs of rising property values and banks remaining steadfast in their refusal to modify loans, homeowners throughout Chicago are preparing to defend and protect their dwellings. But if you want to pay them their selling price from 2007 that they refused to lower, they'll let you in.
WICKER PARK

Man Cave Down to Basics

After years of wasted money on gadgets, vehicles and sprockets, this Jefferson Park homeowner retired to his basement where he is currently at work on his novel, "Shopping Cart, Toilet, and Garbage Can: What Men Need to Live". Meanwhile his wife was found upstairs, in front of the 52" plasma in Ugg boots reclining in her Eames chair reading the IKEA catalog.
Jefferson Park

Unknown Red Thing Really Cool

When the prospective buyer of this Logan Square 2 flat asked the elderly owner why he kept such a cool furniture piece in the basement, he responded, a bit dumbfound, "Uh, I am not know this, me and wife we are using many years for burning the trash. I not know this for sitting down, I sorry."
Logan Square

Desperate Realtors Asking Hollywood for Help

Selling homes with peeling paint, broken windows, and malfunctioning plumbing has forced some real estate companies to ask a power greater than God for assistance. For a commission kickback and assurance that their movies, which rival the selling home's condition in quality, can be promoted on-site, certain Hollywood celebrities are showing up on Sundays, at Open Houses throughout Chicago.
Old Irving Park

Birder Evades ComEd, Once Again

This northwest side homeowner and avid birder has been the envy of her Jefferson Park neighbors for years due to her extensive backyard gardening. And for the 67th continuous month, ComEd electric workers have left her home just assuming she "was sum green freak usin' da solah power'. Too bad they never looked up to see the smirk from behind the attic window rocking chair.
JEFFERSON PARK

Building Desperately Fights Loser Status

Dismayed why nobody seems to appreciate her almond colored electric stoves and plush, albeit faded, wall to f'n wall carpeting, not to mention, she wants to mention, certified flagstone lobby, this loser is calling Lakeview's attention, but nobody seems to have told her that a pretty pink scarf ain't big enough to cover a really ugly face.
LAKEVIEW

Chicago Mandates Meters for Homes

Drastic budget cuts have forced the City of Chicago to re-locate over 200,000 discarded parking meters. The city is claiming that those who forsake either a condominium or apartment for a single family home are enjoying luxury at the expense of better urban planning and they will be taxed accordingly. Meter maids will have the right to enter the basement between 8am and 9pm, seven days a week. Three tickets will result in a boot being put around your front door.
Logan Square

Saint of Cross-Dressers Harbors Virgin

The resident of this Humboldt Park two flat spent all afternoon searching for her beloved Virgin Mary only to find her hiding out inside Chupita, sacred Saint of Cross-Dressers.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Vietnam Vet Still Hoping for Nixon Return

Despite losing the function of both arms in Vietnam, and receiving Vietnam quality healthcare at the local VA hospital, this homeseller clearly knows the outcome of electing a well intentioned progressive.
LOGAN SQUARE

The Walls...won't....stop...won't....stop

The upstairs hallway of this Andersonville home is currently receiving high doses of medication and unavailable for comment
ANDERSONVILLE

New Security Windows Gaining Popularity

Fed up with security bars and glass block windows, some paranoid Chicago homeowners are opting for Siding Windows, the latest in the vinyl siding craze that has swept the country since Carter left office. Siding Windows promise "All the beauty of Siding, without the hassle of a window"
HUMBOLDT PARK

Hipster Can't Make up His Mind

A local Chicago man, commonly referred to as "that hipster guy", was told he can choose one of these barely functioning energy inefficient appliances for his birthday, but as of press time, he is still figuring out which one works best with his Bruce Lee wallpaper and Smurf light fixture.
Albany Park, Mayfair

TurboTax Offering Free Upgrades

In a formal notice, recently announced in this Bucktown 3Flat, those who wish to commit homicide against certain minorities can simply use TurboTax, or for those with incomes below $42,000, the official IRS website is providing free assistance.
BUCKTOWN

Key to Seller's Heart Found

After days of trying to convince the seller of an overpriced Bucktown two flat that his outdated slanting two flat was no longer worth $700,000, the Buyer's located the key to his heart, located in the foyer right above his collection of Boca Raton condo brochures.
BUCKTOWN

Ground Angry at Heating Devices

The ground continues to disappear beneath this long standing couple, having spent the last 16 years in tranquil, but firm solitude, casting shadows to scare outsiders from entering their damp confines. Then their Master deserted them, and they started leaking, so the ground decided to abandon them.
Old Irving Park

Garfield Park Full of Women

In an effort to attract more men to this heavily female dominated block of Garfield Park, in Chicago's Near West Side, the extremely powerful, some say omnipotent, Sell-r is offering to train MEN for the challenge of living with so many women.
GARFIELD PARK

IKEA Offering Circuit Breaker Cabinetry

The increase in Do-it-Yourself home renovators has led IKEA to offer a KLÜTZKÅBINET specially designed for people who hang cabinets directly over electrical circuit breaker panels. They will extend the line to cover those who install medicine cabinets over light switches, and plan on introducing KRÅPKRÄPPR for those who forget to install their toilets over the waste drain pipe.
ALBANY PARK

Ralph Loren Using Chicago Garden Apt.

In an effort to appeal to the 'urban market', world renowned fragrance purveyor and closeted hunter, Ralph Loren, has set up a testing facility in a Logan Square garden apartment. A faint smell of rotting flesh would occasionally overwhelm the visitor which explained why Ralphie asked us to stay away from the locked second bedroom.
LOGAN SQUARE

Chicago Cracks Down on Illegal Fireplaces

The City of Chicago, under fresh leadership from Mayor Emanuel, allegedly has been targeting owners of illegal fireplaces, such as the seller of this Albany Park home, who refused to give his address for fear that the notoriously ruthless city inspectors will discover his illicit heating device.
Albany Park

Ceasefire Reaches Out to Pretty Men

In order to fend off the alleged pending lawsuits of discrimination, rumors have it that Ceasefire, the nationally acclaimed local organization that intervenes in gang disputes to prevent further violence, is now reaching out to the white male preppy population, the white male hipster population, and the white male tight tee shirt population in order to settle long stemming feuds that are leading to a rabid increase in young white males coming home late to dinner or forsaking their dessert altogether. Young women throughout the city have been supporting Ceasefire in growing numbers as evidenced by this bedroom in a Logan Square home for sale.
LOGAN SQUARE

Gremlin Locked in Room During Showing

A recent showing was met with loud noises behind a highly secured door. These weren't your typical domesticated pet noises but rather something like this, "GrrrrAAAAAwackwackwackGrrAhhhhhhhhhhhh"
When the seller was asked why he went with the Bungee Security System rather than ADT or something more local like Schlage or Kwikset, he responded, "Oh, that, uh, uh, that's just to keep the door shut cause, you know, uh, it, uh, like opens, all the time.
"GrrrrrrAAAAAwackwackGrrAhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Humboldt Park

Short Selling Owners Dealing Moonshine

In an effort to hide money from their lender, some homesellers, attempting to shortsale their home, are resorting to basement speakeasies where they are easily able to disguise the $34 in revenue they earn from weekend Miller Lite sales. It's probably no coincidence that these underground watering holes are popping up in the mayoral umbilical cord of Bridgeport.
Bridgeport

Tenant Re-purposes Hunk of Iron

Confused about the 'stupid piece of tall metal on the bathroom floor', a recently arrived tenant from Miami decided to turn it into a towel rack. He was later overheard asking the owner where the thermostat for the air conditioner was.
Old Irving Park

Owner Forgot about THAT Wall

The seller of this Avondale multi-unit was allegedly overheard telling people, "hey, I had no idea that wall was there. I Swear. The Builder told me he could make me a nice deck." Luckily for this seller, the real estate industry is composed of many junior college advertising majors, and now this building is being advertised with a "unique Manhattan terrace." At least they didn't say it's located in North Logan Square.
AVONDALE

Wired for Surround Sound

Developers have always been a crafty lot, bringing the buying public such needed amenities as berber carpet, ceramic tile, and granite. Ohhhhh, how we swoon for granite. Well, times are a changing, and despite buyers still demanding luxuries like pre-wired walls for home entertainment systems, developers are being forced to cut on expenses. In this recent rehab, in the Chicago neighborhood of Humboldt Park, the developer showed off his green building techniques by using less wire, same full sound.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Shh @t Properties Cares

In an effort to show how much the realty industry cares about it's clients, this note was originally found attached (with a very fine paperclip) to the unfortunate cyclist who locked his bicycle to the outside of this fence while he briefly went inside a neighboring house which did not have a fence.

Well the secret may not be out, so....shh @t properties is a valued member of the community who refuses to let careless bike owners utilize the exterior of a fence. And to celebrate it's impeccable property care, that is, shh @t properties, has recently announced a generous price cut to the property from whence this caring noticed was placed. That's right, shh @t properties is now offering this new construction split face block brick faced home for the low low price of 1.25 million dollars. That is a steal...and you know why, well,
shh @t properties originally wanted 1.7 million dollars, but four years of market time later, they have come to realize that their client deserves the best representation possible. And now that the neighboring home is selling for $335,000, a lucky buyer will benefit. You heard it here, but it's still our secret:
Shh @t properties. They're everywhere.
LAKEVIEW

DIY WTF

In an effort to utilize natural resources for modern day comforts, these Bridgeport tenants have harnessed the power of the sun to power their space heater, which then runs their washing machine, which doubles as a meat grinder to produce kitty nibble which can be proudly displayed atop the 'Miracle Box'.
BRIDGEPORT

Automobiles Now Facing Foreclosure

After three years of a home mortgage crisis, in which owners are abandoning their properties rather than pay the bank money they had previously agreed to pay, the disease of irresponsibility seems to be spreading to the collector car market. The owner of this American Classic was overheard telling friends at a Sox game, "I put over fifteen k into that car, and nobody wants to buy it. You know how much I owe on that...fugeddaboutit. Let 'dem come to my place and take it."
McKinley Park

Boogey Man Trapped

Since last Friday, when this Logan Square couple re-arranged their twin sons' bedroom, the resident boogeyman has been unable to escape his closet cave and inflict psychological torment upon the two little innocents who sleep here. The downstairs tenants have complained that every night, around 3am, they hear a high pitched squeal followed by a few kicks, and a faint odor has begun to creep through their windows.
LOGAN SQUARE

Stairs Unhappy About Wife's Decorating

After nearly a century of uninhibited views across the foyer, this 93 year old Little Italy staircase has had enough. First the new owners, mainly that 'woman who thinks she knows where everything goes', filled the foyer with large tropical plants. Then she moved the plants and put a table covered with vases. But now, now she's really done it by placing two couches and a coffee table right in the 'god damn entryway'.

The staircase voiced his concern about the future of foyers, and for that matter, grand staircases, "I'm afraid I may be the one out of the times. Afterall, I've spent my whole life inside this handcrafted brick rowhome. And this woman, well she is the future. Soon doors will open directly into the living room and stairs will be hidden behind doors. I think I'm going to die now. Goodbye."
LITTLE ITALY

Poor People are Hungry

A group of Logan Square residents, upset over the fact the no one wants to pay them a living wage to create clothes hanger sculptures that represent the symbiosis between modern culture and ancient cloth, have taken to decorating the sides of garages, including this foreclosure, with their new mantra. When asked to explain their motives, a spokesperson said, "hey man, it's cause of these rich people that I'm stuck eating raw ramen noodles every night. So LET'S EAT THEM!!" When asked who he thought would support his art, the spokesperson meekly quipped, "Somebody who will pay me what it's worth."
LOGAN SQUARE