Brick Shortage Changing Chicago Architecture

The famous 'Chicago Pinks', the highly coveted brick used in the majority of the city's turn of the century buildings, are rapidly depleting due to a rapid rise of 'Chicawovilles' throughout China. Desperate bricklayers here in Chicago have been forced to construct walls as sparsely as possible. Meanwhile, the burgeoning middle class in China is enjoying 'Chicawo bwick' by building bathtubs and boxsprings out of our beloved fired pink clay.
WICKER PARK

Watching Neighbor Shower Got More Difficult

Residents of this quiet Portage Park street had spent generations watching first floor tenants utilize their extremely light filled bathroom. That all changed with the recent installation of this 'Chagall for Menard's' window. One stoop peeper put it this way, "Not a good day, use know? My gramps, and my pops, and me too, we spent so many hours here, learnin' bout, use know, uh, the human body. And now, how 'm I suppose to teach my boy about dat. Dese gentrify peoples be ruining Chicago."
PORTAGE PARK

Bungalow Not So Sure About Haircut

In an effort to keep up with his neighbors, this classic northwest side Chicago bungalow, who had been quite comfortable with his tasteful woodwork, sunny parlor, and roomy attic perfect for one of 'dem master suites that couples always dream about, started suffering from what housing psychologists deem 'roofline envy'.

Convinced by his caretakers that a massive second floor addition built from sophisticated modern stucco rather than peon's brick would allow the caretaker's one child to have the room necessary to grow up 'healthy', the historically confident bungalow underwent a 17 month makeover. It's gonna take while for it to grow out.
JEFFERSON PARK

New Owners Can't Figure Out Avant-Garde Stove

After purchasing what they assumed to be a 'one-of-a-kind' oven, the new owners of this Jefferson Park three flat were unable to find those things you put pots and pans on, you know, the things that get real hot. After suffering an evening of frustration and empty staring, they realized it had been years since they used a stove-top anyway, and went back to the microwave "cause you don't be needin' a flame for the micro honey."
JEFFERSON PARK

Sock Fairy is Getting Old

After years of depositing socks in faraway places, from Saturn to China, from deep inside the Earth's mantle to fast moving clouds, old age is catching up with the Sock Fairy, and she has pleaded with external sources to find a replacement. A recent Craigslist ad, located in the always difficult to interpret 'ETC.' section, stated "Are you energetic? Do you have an innate ability to do things without people knowing that you did it? Can you travel at the speed of light? Do you hate socks? Then we may have the job for you."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Climber Locked in Attic By Acrophobes

A young college graduate, forced to live in her parent's stinking boring flat midwestern home due to economic circumstances beyond her stinking control, has been quarantined to her family's attic where she has been plotting her route over K2, which she assures the potential buyers of her family's Lincoln Park mansion that she will summit as soon as her parents release her and somebody gives her a stinking job.
LINCOLN PARK

Fat People Forbidden From Washing Machine

During a 15 month South Beach Atkins Egg Salad Beetle Juice Diet, a Jefferson Park homeowner measured her weight loss by decreasing the amount of space she could use to access the washing machine. With re-built walls, washing is now limited to those under 100 pounds. But the Seller of this home swears it keeps her motivated. "If I put the weight back on, I'll have to live with dirty clothes and I just HATE dirty clothes!"
JEFFERSON PARK

Mold Artists Now in High Demand

After struggling for years to get discriminating homeowners to see the value of their work, Chicago mold artists are now witnessing a huge boom in their business as Sellers are no longer willing to pay for travertine tile and slate flooring.
JEFFERSON PARK

Alchoholic Owner Says Beer Isn't Alcohol

In a concerted effort to eliminate liquor from his daily diet, a local homeowner in Chicago's Mayfair neighborhood installed a beer faucet ("Old Style, whadja think I drink") in the family kitchen. After two years of forgetting to pay the mortgage, the bank decided it was left with no choice but to foreclose. The Owner is now submitting leniency papers to stall his foreclosure due to his recently diagnosed alcoholism. When asked by the bank's appraiser why he still had the beer tap, the owner said, "Dat ain't no beers tap, dats where my kids get fresh apple juice."
MAYFAIR

Seller Offers a Variety of Flooring

Having to meet the demands of a discriminating home buying market, some sellers are beginning to offer buyers choices. No longer is a buyer forced to live with stained moldy industrial carpet, but they can opt for finely aged vinyl, or delicately scratched hardwood. Creative Sellers are now offering a combo so that a floor will be completed with all three highly coveted elements.
EDGEWATER

New Interior Decorator Struggles

Trying to transition from the doldrums of corporate America to the glamorous world of real estate staging, this young interior decorator was given a budget of $8.25 from his first ever client, a seller eager to vacate his property, who allegedly told his new hire, "Me leaving house. I no more pay bank. Too much money they are wanting from me. Not fair. Not like this system. Here is good money. You make home look beautiful, yes?" The seller is currently using his credit cards to buy a new RV and drive across America, ("I am live where I want, how I am want, not be like stupid American people."), periodically checking in with his decorator, "You make house look good, many people wanting? You can do it, Yes, I am trust you."
AVONDALE

Refrigerator Still Embarrassed

After being threatened over and over by a frustrated homeowner unable to sell his overpriced hovel that he would replace that 'brown piece of sh*t' with one of 'dem stainless jobs, the 1973 Frigidaire PooPoo Deluxe ducked into an abandoned pantry hoping that he could please his demanding master by convincing prospective homebuyers that he is a purpose built SubZero.
ANDERSONVILLE

Peeping Made Easier

In a new effort to watch his attractive upstairs neighbor pass his door at exactly 8:17 and 6:34 each weekday, and various times throughout the weekend, a 2nd floor Albany Park tenant has upgraded his standard peephole for the highly coveted Peepinator XL2000, a controversial peephole apparatus that was banned in the United States in 1952 when scared women began reporting that communists were utilizing them to x-ray vision their underpants. Shortly thereafter, a local businessman began advertising an inferior eyeglass version in the back of comic books.
ALBANY PARK

Family Prays For Dying Citrus

After buying a 10 pound bag of oranges to save $1.68 from buying the four she originally wanted, an Edgewater homeowner was forced to ask a higher power to help salvage her slowly rotting breakfast fruits.
EDGEWATER

Dueling Piano Players Still Invisible

Some may think that this photo was pulled from the family album, the one where Uncle Ricky has the big stash and is hitting on mom, but NO, it's from yesterday, right here, in our very own Logan Square. Not seen: The fully stocked bar and subsequent bar scene from The Shining that kept us down there for hours waiting...and waiting.
LOGAN SQUARE

Realtors are So Crafty...

From a recent Chicago real estate listing: move-in condition, but there is plenty of room for value adding improvements

That's like saying, "my ex is available, but she could probably do with some help" or the walls are still standing and the roof will keep you dry but the house hasn't been updated since UHF channels came to the telly.
LOGAN SQUARE

New Chicago Porch Rules Now in Effect

Fed up with inspecting Chicago's estimated 473,000 slowly rotting porches, local officials have decided that all new porches may only contain a 48 inch high wrought iron railing not more than 3 inches from an exterior door. Only one person is allowed to use the porch at a time, or property owners face hefty fines, protracted legal battles, and immediate closure of their porch.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Squatters Forced To Sign In

After being tied up for months in the Springfield legislature, Illinois has finally passed the 'Squat Don't Rot' bill which assures that those who wish to use an abandoned foreclosed property for shelter may do so provided they register on their new bedroom wall with only one of the thirteen approved colors. Squatters caught signing in with unapproved colors will be asked to leave immediately by the next approaching realtor.
LOGAN SQUARE

Exposed Drywall Finally Wooing Buyers

After years of exposing metal electrical conduit, heating ducts, ceiling joists, and brick walls, contractors have finally found a market for open drywall. Buyers are raving about it's space creating opportunities and green properties. Sellers are now paying drywallers to come and cleanly remove portions of their previously finished works, allowing the thriving illegal immigrant drywall trade to enclose the following note in their monthly western union remittances, "America great country. No leave. People pay much money to make easy wall. Now pay much money to remove easy wall."
LOGAN SQUARE

Young Homebuyers Confused About Appliance

Young couples in their early thirties continue to bypass this Logan Square two flat amidst confusion over the necessity for these antique crepe machines. They were further turned off by room clogging cast iron grates and large wooden cabinets containing see-through glassware.
LOGAN SQUARE

Scott Baio Poster Finally Torn Down

After parental banishment from the kitchen, living room, dad's library, the garage, main foyer and the basement, this handsome young man found himself declared King of 11 year old Angelica's bedroom. Contract specifically says that poster NOT included in home sale.
ROGERS PARK

Fake Fireplace Fools Fake Carpet

A Logan Square landlord decided the best way to deal with his garden unit tenant's constant complaining that 'she was cold' was to install a fireless fireplace. Next she complained about the drafty windows so he gave her fans and told her to blow it back outside.
LOGAN SQUARE

Hieroglyphics Discovered in Abandoned Hipster Bedroom

Found on the living room wall, this checklist continues to prove that Apple owners still love dodgeball, replacing faulty MAC batteries, and canceling credit reports, while validating Apple owners creative resourcefulness, since a square PC owner would have simply utilized an old fashioned piece of paper and stuck it on the fridge. Lame.
LOGAN SQUARE

Webster's adds REMODELATED to lexicon

taken from current MLS listing:EDGEWATER TWO FLAT AND A BASMENT, FRESH PAINTED HOME, NEW ROOF, NEW HEATHERS, SEPARATED UTILITIES, NEW CERAMIC FLOORS, AND REMODELATED BATHS W/NEW CERAMIC TILE.

It's not Florida, so 'ceramic' floors are frightening enough in zero degree weather, and 'remodelated' things are prone to attack when you least expect it, but what's really interesting here is the desperation of sellers to start offering humans with the property. Edgewater, particularly Andersonville has been known for it's 'Heathers', but now you can get some with your new home.
EDGEWATER/ANDERSONVILLE

Logan Square Resident Makes Alien Contact

After unsuccessfully utilizing all of his Direct TV's 482 channels, a local homeowner upgraded his television package to Direct TV's premium Gemini E.T. package which purports to offer outer-planetary contact to any viewer who can successfully channel surf back to channel two without falling asleep.
LOGAN SQUARE

Confused Bather Stays Dirty

High end Sellers continue to add options to the primitive shower of yesterday's generation. In today's upscale homes, a shower is required to simulataneoulsy clean all orifices while providing the bather an opportunity to massage a minimum of three body parts while having waterproof bluetooth accessibility through a teleconferencing ready tablet. One Seller is offering fair trade organic granite bidets, even in the basement powder room.
LINCOLN PARK

Welders No Longer Needed

Innovative homeowners are putting the once strong Chicago IronWorkers Union, otherwise known as 'those scary mask guys who make small concentrated fire beams on metal pieces', out of business. Even the makers of Duck Tape are beginning to worry, evidenced by their recent purchase of String, Rope, Cord, and Wire. Duck Tape spokesman, Mr. Donald, assures customers that their favorite materials for questionable bonding will not be discontinued but will now include an extra piece of duck tape, 'just in case'.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Crown Molding Companies Cutting Costs

After discarding the 'dated' original trim, this contractor decided Chicago dwellings were significantly deficient in nautical themed bedrooms, and recently has decided to remove the roofing structure over shower stalls to allow residents to enjoy the bounty of God's tears.
BUCKTOWN

Pink...It's the New Black, Oops, Ebony...The New Ebony

The National Association of Realty Professionals in America has recently announced that in addition to baking cookies upon every showing that owners should highlight the color pink which studies have shown to increase libido which in turn heightens purchasing urgency. Several agents are currently offering to paint your place pink in exchange for a listing.
LOGAN SQUARE

Foreclosure Taken Over by Renegade Manequins

In an effort to stem the rapid increase in foreclosure vandalism, otherwise referred to as, "'dem crackheads be on up there again," banks have been studying the success of the Hollywood smash hit, 'Home Alone,' and after a 13.2 million dollar study conducted by Fannie Mae, the industry has decided that two dimensional cutouts can deter 'dem crackheads by a sixty percent margin. The success rate has been shown to increase when any resemblance of Michael Jordan remains in sight of the front window.
AVONDALE

Rahm Forbids Park Naming

Dead politicians, ethnic warriors, and masculine botanists will have to look elsewhere for their legacy as Chicago has decided names inevitably affect one voting class or the other. When asked about offending the valuable Roman Numeral constituency, Mayor Emanuel responded, "Screw those people. I could never figure out what year a building was really built. And I still have no idea what Super Bowl we're on."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Lady Gaga Moves to Chicago Garden Apartment

Earthtones are so yesterday.
LOGAN SQUARE

Developer Promises To Clean 'this junk' Out

After a 110 years of life, various owners, and two major housing depressions, somehow, this ornate craftsmanship survived unscathed. But don't worry, 5 dollar sheets of drywall can cover it up.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Found on Today's MLS

...rents low due to seller's generosity

No mention of the rats or bucket only showers.
BRIDGEPORT

Owners Take Extreme Measures to Protect Low Quality Mulch

They may not use wrought iron to keep you from ring and running in the 'nicer' parts of the Northside, but they will do everything possible to keep you off 'their' barren parkway.
LAKEVIEW

Walls...Where We're Going There are NO walls

Subterranean living is full of surprises including one of the most common reasons landlords will reduce rent: Shared Toilet in Utility Room
ADDISON MALL AREA

B.Y.O........

Sellers continue to give buyers discounts. Now trending: bring your own water heaters, furnace, and ductwork and we'll throw in an appliance-free kitchen
AVONDALE

George Lucas Remains found in local Basement

Ebay Seller? Avid Collector? Christmas Thief? Hanukkah Harry? Ramaddan Rafa? Kwanzaa Kwame? Toys 'R Us employee of the Month?
ROGERS PARK

Stainless or Not, Stainless or Not,..Why not Both!!!

With the dismal real estate market, sellers can't decide if new home buyers will pay more for stainless, so they have decided to offer both, and reduce your $299,500 home price by 500 bucks if you choose to only keep the white one. Sellers....always strategizing. Some are considering showing potential buyers a bathtub and a showerstall with option to remove either.
EVANSTON

30 Inch Clawfoot Good For Something

Pretty in Pink...so what if it's too small to bathe a baby, with a little color one can shower in their own little pink infirmary
EVANSTON

Efficiency is SO Overrated

This is how you heat a home! People's Gas will even give you a personalized credit card if you promise to keep this system in place.
ALBANY PARK

Little Person's Door Offends Tall Buyer

A crafty homeowner played on the idea of the old swinging kitchen saloon doors by making his own. Unfortunately, his 6 year old can now see all the illicit activity that takes place behind closed doors.
HORNER PARK

Elderly Man Still Making Bombs

Nobody could verify why the doorbells had been left with their guts exposed, but the house had a faint odor of mothballs.
NORTH PARK/BUDLONG WOODS

Missing Children's Remnants Found

There's a reason you were scared to go in the basement as a kid. And still are...
BUDLONG WOODS/NORTH PARK