Chicago Cracks Down on Illegal Fireplaces

The City of Chicago, under fresh leadership from Mayor Emanuel, allegedly has been targeting owners of illegal fireplaces, such as the seller of this Albany Park home, who refused to give his address for fear that the notoriously ruthless city inspectors will discover his illicit heating device.
Albany Park

Ceasefire Reaches Out to Pretty Men

In order to fend off the alleged pending lawsuits of discrimination, rumors have it that Ceasefire, the nationally acclaimed local organization that intervenes in gang disputes to prevent further violence, is now reaching out to the white male preppy population, the white male hipster population, and the white male tight tee shirt population in order to settle long stemming feuds that are leading to a rabid increase in young white males coming home late to dinner or forsaking their dessert altogether. Young women throughout the city have been supporting Ceasefire in growing numbers as evidenced by this bedroom in a Logan Square home for sale.
LOGAN SQUARE

Gremlin Locked in Room During Showing

A recent showing was met with loud noises behind a highly secured door. These weren't your typical domesticated pet noises but rather something like this, "GrrrrAAAAAwackwackwackGrrAhhhhhhhhhhhh"
When the seller was asked why he went with the Bungee Security System rather than ADT or something more local like Schlage or Kwikset, he responded, "Oh, that, uh, uh, that's just to keep the door shut cause, you know, uh, it, uh, like opens, all the time.
"GrrrrrrAAAAAwackwackGrrAhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Humboldt Park

Short Selling Owners Dealing Moonshine

In an effort to hide money from their lender, some homesellers, attempting to shortsale their home, are resorting to basement speakeasies where they are easily able to disguise the $34 in revenue they earn from weekend Miller Lite sales. It's probably no coincidence that these underground watering holes are popping up in the mayoral umbilical cord of Bridgeport.
Bridgeport

Tenant Re-purposes Hunk of Iron

Confused about the 'stupid piece of tall metal on the bathroom floor', a recently arrived tenant from Miami decided to turn it into a towel rack. He was later overheard asking the owner where the thermostat for the air conditioner was.
Old Irving Park

Owner Forgot about THAT Wall

The seller of this Avondale multi-unit was allegedly overheard telling people, "hey, I had no idea that wall was there. I Swear. The Builder told me he could make me a nice deck." Luckily for this seller, the real estate industry is composed of many junior college advertising majors, and now this building is being advertised with a "unique Manhattan terrace." At least they didn't say it's located in North Logan Square.
AVONDALE

Wired for Surround Sound

Developers have always been a crafty lot, bringing the buying public such needed amenities as berber carpet, ceramic tile, and granite. Ohhhhh, how we swoon for granite. Well, times are a changing, and despite buyers still demanding luxuries like pre-wired walls for home entertainment systems, developers are being forced to cut on expenses. In this recent rehab, in the Chicago neighborhood of Humboldt Park, the developer showed off his green building techniques by using less wire, same full sound.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Shh @t Properties Cares

In an effort to show how much the realty industry cares about it's clients, this note was originally found attached (with a very fine paperclip) to the unfortunate cyclist who locked his bicycle to the outside of this fence while he briefly went inside a neighboring house which did not have a fence.

Well the secret may not be out, so....shh @t properties is a valued member of the community who refuses to let careless bike owners utilize the exterior of a fence. And to celebrate it's impeccable property care, that is, shh @t properties, has recently announced a generous price cut to the property from whence this caring noticed was placed. That's right, shh @t properties is now offering this new construction split face block brick faced home for the low low price of 1.25 million dollars. That is a steal...and you know why, well,
shh @t properties originally wanted 1.7 million dollars, but four years of market time later, they have come to realize that their client deserves the best representation possible. And now that the neighboring home is selling for $335,000, a lucky buyer will benefit. You heard it here, but it's still our secret:
Shh @t properties. They're everywhere.
LAKEVIEW

DIY WTF

In an effort to utilize natural resources for modern day comforts, these Bridgeport tenants have harnessed the power of the sun to power their space heater, which then runs their washing machine, which doubles as a meat grinder to produce kitty nibble which can be proudly displayed atop the 'Miracle Box'.
BRIDGEPORT

Automobiles Now Facing Foreclosure

After three years of a home mortgage crisis, in which owners are abandoning their properties rather than pay the bank money they had previously agreed to pay, the disease of irresponsibility seems to be spreading to the collector car market. The owner of this American Classic was overheard telling friends at a Sox game, "I put over fifteen k into that car, and nobody wants to buy it. You know how much I owe on that...fugeddaboutit. Let 'dem come to my place and take it."
McKinley Park

Boogey Man Trapped

Since last Friday, when this Logan Square couple re-arranged their twin sons' bedroom, the resident boogeyman has been unable to escape his closet cave and inflict psychological torment upon the two little innocents who sleep here. The downstairs tenants have complained that every night, around 3am, they hear a high pitched squeal followed by a few kicks, and a faint odor has begun to creep through their windows.
LOGAN SQUARE

Stairs Unhappy About Wife's Decorating

After nearly a century of uninhibited views across the foyer, this 93 year old Little Italy staircase has had enough. First the new owners, mainly that 'woman who thinks she knows where everything goes', filled the foyer with large tropical plants. Then she moved the plants and put a table covered with vases. But now, now she's really done it by placing two couches and a coffee table right in the 'god damn entryway'.

The staircase voiced his concern about the future of foyers, and for that matter, grand staircases, "I'm afraid I may be the one out of the times. Afterall, I've spent my whole life inside this handcrafted brick rowhome. And this woman, well she is the future. Soon doors will open directly into the living room and stairs will be hidden behind doors. I think I'm going to die now. Goodbye."
LITTLE ITALY

Poor People are Hungry

A group of Logan Square residents, upset over the fact the no one wants to pay them a living wage to create clothes hanger sculptures that represent the symbiosis between modern culture and ancient cloth, have taken to decorating the sides of garages, including this foreclosure, with their new mantra. When asked to explain their motives, a spokesperson said, "hey man, it's cause of these rich people that I'm stuck eating raw ramen noodles every night. So LET'S EAT THEM!!" When asked who he thought would support his art, the spokesperson meekly quipped, "Somebody who will pay me what it's worth."
LOGAN SQUARE

Brick Shortage Changing Chicago Architecture

The famous 'Chicago Pinks', the highly coveted brick used in the majority of the city's turn of the century buildings, are rapidly depleting due to a rapid rise of 'Chicawovilles' throughout China. Desperate bricklayers here in Chicago have been forced to construct walls as sparsely as possible. Meanwhile, the burgeoning middle class in China is enjoying 'Chicawo bwick' by building bathtubs and boxsprings out of our beloved fired pink clay.
WICKER PARK

Watching Neighbor Shower Got More Difficult

Residents of this quiet Portage Park street had spent generations watching first floor tenants utilize their extremely light filled bathroom. That all changed with the recent installation of this 'Chagall for Menard's' window. One stoop peeper put it this way, "Not a good day, use know? My gramps, and my pops, and me too, we spent so many hours here, learnin' bout, use know, uh, the human body. And now, how 'm I suppose to teach my boy about dat. Dese gentrify peoples be ruining Chicago."
PORTAGE PARK

Bungalow Not So Sure About Haircut

In an effort to keep up with his neighbors, this classic northwest side Chicago bungalow, who had been quite comfortable with his tasteful woodwork, sunny parlor, and roomy attic perfect for one of 'dem master suites that couples always dream about, started suffering from what housing psychologists deem 'roofline envy'.

Convinced by his caretakers that a massive second floor addition built from sophisticated modern stucco rather than peon's brick would allow the caretaker's one child to have the room necessary to grow up 'healthy', the historically confident bungalow underwent a 17 month makeover. It's gonna take while for it to grow out.
JEFFERSON PARK

New Owners Can't Figure Out Avant-Garde Stove

After purchasing what they assumed to be a 'one-of-a-kind' oven, the new owners of this Jefferson Park three flat were unable to find those things you put pots and pans on, you know, the things that get real hot. After suffering an evening of frustration and empty staring, they realized it had been years since they used a stove-top anyway, and went back to the microwave "cause you don't be needin' a flame for the micro honey."
JEFFERSON PARK

Sock Fairy is Getting Old

After years of depositing socks in faraway places, from Saturn to China, from deep inside the Earth's mantle to fast moving clouds, old age is catching up with the Sock Fairy, and she has pleaded with external sources to find a replacement. A recent Craigslist ad, located in the always difficult to interpret 'ETC.' section, stated "Are you energetic? Do you have an innate ability to do things without people knowing that you did it? Can you travel at the speed of light? Do you hate socks? Then we may have the job for you."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Climber Locked in Attic By Acrophobes

A young college graduate, forced to live in her parent's stinking boring flat midwestern home due to economic circumstances beyond her stinking control, has been quarantined to her family's attic where she has been plotting her route over K2, which she assures the potential buyers of her family's Lincoln Park mansion that she will summit as soon as her parents release her and somebody gives her a stinking job.
LINCOLN PARK

Fat People Forbidden From Washing Machine

During a 15 month South Beach Atkins Egg Salad Beetle Juice Diet, a Jefferson Park homeowner measured her weight loss by decreasing the amount of space she could use to access the washing machine. With re-built walls, washing is now limited to those under 100 pounds. But the Seller of this home swears it keeps her motivated. "If I put the weight back on, I'll have to live with dirty clothes and I just HATE dirty clothes!"
JEFFERSON PARK

Mold Artists Now in High Demand

After struggling for years to get discriminating homeowners to see the value of their work, Chicago mold artists are now witnessing a huge boom in their business as Sellers are no longer willing to pay for travertine tile and slate flooring.
JEFFERSON PARK

Alchoholic Owner Says Beer Isn't Alcohol

In a concerted effort to eliminate liquor from his daily diet, a local homeowner in Chicago's Mayfair neighborhood installed a beer faucet ("Old Style, whadja think I drink") in the family kitchen. After two years of forgetting to pay the mortgage, the bank decided it was left with no choice but to foreclose. The Owner is now submitting leniency papers to stall his foreclosure due to his recently diagnosed alcoholism. When asked by the bank's appraiser why he still had the beer tap, the owner said, "Dat ain't no beers tap, dats where my kids get fresh apple juice."
MAYFAIR

Seller Offers a Variety of Flooring

Having to meet the demands of a discriminating home buying market, some sellers are beginning to offer buyers choices. No longer is a buyer forced to live with stained moldy industrial carpet, but they can opt for finely aged vinyl, or delicately scratched hardwood. Creative Sellers are now offering a combo so that a floor will be completed with all three highly coveted elements.
EDGEWATER

New Interior Decorator Struggles

Trying to transition from the doldrums of corporate America to the glamorous world of real estate staging, this young interior decorator was given a budget of $8.25 from his first ever client, a seller eager to vacate his property, who allegedly told his new hire, "Me leaving house. I no more pay bank. Too much money they are wanting from me. Not fair. Not like this system. Here is good money. You make home look beautiful, yes?" The seller is currently using his credit cards to buy a new RV and drive across America, ("I am live where I want, how I am want, not be like stupid American people."), periodically checking in with his decorator, "You make house look good, many people wanting? You can do it, Yes, I am trust you."
AVONDALE

Refrigerator Still Embarrassed

After being threatened over and over by a frustrated homeowner unable to sell his overpriced hovel that he would replace that 'brown piece of sh*t' with one of 'dem stainless jobs, the 1973 Frigidaire PooPoo Deluxe ducked into an abandoned pantry hoping that he could please his demanding master by convincing prospective homebuyers that he is a purpose built SubZero.
ANDERSONVILLE

Peeping Made Easier

In a new effort to watch his attractive upstairs neighbor pass his door at exactly 8:17 and 6:34 each weekday, and various times throughout the weekend, a 2nd floor Albany Park tenant has upgraded his standard peephole for the highly coveted Peepinator XL2000, a controversial peephole apparatus that was banned in the United States in 1952 when scared women began reporting that communists were utilizing them to x-ray vision their underpants. Shortly thereafter, a local businessman began advertising an inferior eyeglass version in the back of comic books.
ALBANY PARK

Family Prays For Dying Citrus

After buying a 10 pound bag of oranges to save $1.68 from buying the four she originally wanted, an Edgewater homeowner was forced to ask a higher power to help salvage her slowly rotting breakfast fruits.
EDGEWATER

Dueling Piano Players Still Invisible

Some may think that this photo was pulled from the family album, the one where Uncle Ricky has the big stash and is hitting on mom, but NO, it's from yesterday, right here, in our very own Logan Square. Not seen: The fully stocked bar and subsequent bar scene from The Shining that kept us down there for hours waiting...and waiting.
LOGAN SQUARE

Realtors are So Crafty...

From a recent Chicago real estate listing: move-in condition, but there is plenty of room for value adding improvements

That's like saying, "my ex is available, but she could probably do with some help" or the walls are still standing and the roof will keep you dry but the house hasn't been updated since UHF channels came to the telly.
LOGAN SQUARE

New Chicago Porch Rules Now in Effect

Fed up with inspecting Chicago's estimated 473,000 slowly rotting porches, local officials have decided that all new porches may only contain a 48 inch high wrought iron railing not more than 3 inches from an exterior door. Only one person is allowed to use the porch at a time, or property owners face hefty fines, protracted legal battles, and immediate closure of their porch.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Squatters Forced To Sign In

After being tied up for months in the Springfield legislature, Illinois has finally passed the 'Squat Don't Rot' bill which assures that those who wish to use an abandoned foreclosed property for shelter may do so provided they register on their new bedroom wall with only one of the thirteen approved colors. Squatters caught signing in with unapproved colors will be asked to leave immediately by the next approaching realtor.
LOGAN SQUARE

Exposed Drywall Finally Wooing Buyers

After years of exposing metal electrical conduit, heating ducts, ceiling joists, and brick walls, contractors have finally found a market for open drywall. Buyers are raving about it's space creating opportunities and green properties. Sellers are now paying drywallers to come and cleanly remove portions of their previously finished works, allowing the thriving illegal immigrant drywall trade to enclose the following note in their monthly western union remittances, "America great country. No leave. People pay much money to make easy wall. Now pay much money to remove easy wall."
LOGAN SQUARE

Young Homebuyers Confused About Appliance

Young couples in their early thirties continue to bypass this Logan Square two flat amidst confusion over the necessity for these antique crepe machines. They were further turned off by room clogging cast iron grates and large wooden cabinets containing see-through glassware.
LOGAN SQUARE

Scott Baio Poster Finally Torn Down

After parental banishment from the kitchen, living room, dad's library, the garage, main foyer and the basement, this handsome young man found himself declared King of 11 year old Angelica's bedroom. Contract specifically says that poster NOT included in home sale.
ROGERS PARK

Fake Fireplace Fools Fake Carpet

A Logan Square landlord decided the best way to deal with his garden unit tenant's constant complaining that 'she was cold' was to install a fireless fireplace. Next she complained about the drafty windows so he gave her fans and told her to blow it back outside.
LOGAN SQUARE

Hieroglyphics Discovered in Abandoned Hipster Bedroom

Found on the living room wall, this checklist continues to prove that Apple owners still love dodgeball, replacing faulty MAC batteries, and canceling credit reports, while validating Apple owners creative resourcefulness, since a square PC owner would have simply utilized an old fashioned piece of paper and stuck it on the fridge. Lame.
LOGAN SQUARE

Webster's adds REMODELATED to lexicon

taken from current MLS listing:EDGEWATER TWO FLAT AND A BASMENT, FRESH PAINTED HOME, NEW ROOF, NEW HEATHERS, SEPARATED UTILITIES, NEW CERAMIC FLOORS, AND REMODELATED BATHS W/NEW CERAMIC TILE.

It's not Florida, so 'ceramic' floors are frightening enough in zero degree weather, and 'remodelated' things are prone to attack when you least expect it, but what's really interesting here is the desperation of sellers to start offering humans with the property. Edgewater, particularly Andersonville has been known for it's 'Heathers', but now you can get some with your new home.
EDGEWATER/ANDERSONVILLE

Logan Square Resident Makes Alien Contact

After unsuccessfully utilizing all of his Direct TV's 482 channels, a local homeowner upgraded his television package to Direct TV's premium Gemini E.T. package which purports to offer outer-planetary contact to any viewer who can successfully channel surf back to channel two without falling asleep.
LOGAN SQUARE

Confused Bather Stays Dirty

High end Sellers continue to add options to the primitive shower of yesterday's generation. In today's upscale homes, a shower is required to simulataneoulsy clean all orifices while providing the bather an opportunity to massage a minimum of three body parts while having waterproof bluetooth accessibility through a teleconferencing ready tablet. One Seller is offering fair trade organic granite bidets, even in the basement powder room.
LINCOLN PARK

Welders No Longer Needed

Innovative homeowners are putting the once strong Chicago IronWorkers Union, otherwise known as 'those scary mask guys who make small concentrated fire beams on metal pieces', out of business. Even the makers of Duck Tape are beginning to worry, evidenced by their recent purchase of String, Rope, Cord, and Wire. Duck Tape spokesman, Mr. Donald, assures customers that their favorite materials for questionable bonding will not be discontinued but will now include an extra piece of duck tape, 'just in case'.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Crown Molding Companies Cutting Costs

After discarding the 'dated' original trim, this contractor decided Chicago dwellings were significantly deficient in nautical themed bedrooms, and recently has decided to remove the roofing structure over shower stalls to allow residents to enjoy the bounty of God's tears.
BUCKTOWN

Pink...It's the New Black, Oops, Ebony...The New Ebony

The National Association of Realty Professionals in America has recently announced that in addition to baking cookies upon every showing that owners should highlight the color pink which studies have shown to increase libido which in turn heightens purchasing urgency. Several agents are currently offering to paint your place pink in exchange for a listing.
LOGAN SQUARE

Foreclosure Taken Over by Renegade Manequins

In an effort to stem the rapid increase in foreclosure vandalism, otherwise referred to as, "'dem crackheads be on up there again," banks have been studying the success of the Hollywood smash hit, 'Home Alone,' and after a 13.2 million dollar study conducted by Fannie Mae, the industry has decided that two dimensional cutouts can deter 'dem crackheads by a sixty percent margin. The success rate has been shown to increase when any resemblance of Michael Jordan remains in sight of the front window.
AVONDALE

Rahm Forbids Park Naming

Dead politicians, ethnic warriors, and masculine botanists will have to look elsewhere for their legacy as Chicago has decided names inevitably affect one voting class or the other. When asked about offending the valuable Roman Numeral constituency, Mayor Emanuel responded, "Screw those people. I could never figure out what year a building was really built. And I still have no idea what Super Bowl we're on."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Lady Gaga Moves to Chicago Garden Apartment

Earthtones are so yesterday.
LOGAN SQUARE

Developer Promises To Clean 'this junk' Out

After a 110 years of life, various owners, and two major housing depressions, somehow, this ornate craftsmanship survived unscathed. But don't worry, 5 dollar sheets of drywall can cover it up.
HUMBOLDT PARK