Stairs to Nowhere Bill Finally Passes

After years of wrangling between lobbyists on both sides of the Stairs to Nowhere issue, Congress finally passed the controversial legislation which advocates hail as an important milestone in providing impoverished families with the physical embodiment "of a way out" that will in turn help jump start the economy, while opponents are decrying the passage as "just one more needless piece of welfare that handicaps it's recipients rather than setting them free." Local detractors in Chicago are already pointing out loopholes that allow for the hanging of personal clothing items which effectively close the Stairs to Nowhere.
Mayfair

Dutch Woman Last Seen on Roof

An elderly Dutch woman, alleged to be Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas, was last seen on her northwest side bungalow roof, attempting to complete her monthly moth ball distribution. Anyone who may have seen Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas should contact the Association for Lost Dutch Grandmothers making sure to note exact clog size.
PORTAGE PARK

Organic Juice Lady Targets Cobra Drinkers

Local crazy Juice woman known to many locals as "that crazy Juice woman" has elevated her campaign to get Humboldt Park residents to drink healthy yummy organic locally pressed non pasteurized fair trade juice. She is calling her new campaign, "40's for Juice" and is imploring locals currently residing in the park to trade in their favorite malt liquor bottles and receive "a forty that won't need a paper bag."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Bank Lovingly Provides Caretaker's Bedroom

Devastated by a wave of vandalism that has been dragging down the already below market prices of bank owned foreclosures, especially here in Chicago, banks have begun providing incentives for tenants or caretakers to remain in the property in order to maintain the appearance of a home in liveable condition.
ROGERS PARK

Government Regulating Dirty Laundry

In an effort to attract more homebuyers to assist the banks in alleviating their increasing foreclosure stock, the federal government has recently passed the SLOPPI(Soiled Laundry OMG Prevents Purchaser's Interest) Bill to assuage potential buyers fears that discarded clothing articles will become inherited fixtures. Violators, who refuse to place a visible barricade no closer than 32 inches from the offending pile, are urged to be reported to the SLOPPI hotline, 800-RU-SLOPI.
ROGERS PARK

Bathroom Escape Hatches Gaining Popularity

Developers and Remodelers in Chicago are responding to growing homeowner demand to provide washroom facilities that allow users to exit through a backdoor in order to avoid issues that may result from the user's recent breakdown at dinner over her husband's inappropriate use of a salad fork to eat his steak, or itching desire to escape the constant nagging of her mother-in-law, or simply to allow the Indian dinner to air itself naturally.
RAVENSWOOD

Local Poets Fighting Gentrification

In the ongoing saga to keep local Chicago neighborhoods real, and free from the onslaught of people who care about their properties, block, and children, local poets have gone on a poetic rampage, with rivals posting lesser knowns tags:
Tattletales get Battlenails
Sellouts get Hellpouts
Yuppies get Puppies
HUMBOLDT PARK (where else?)

Don't Worry, Just a Small Leak

Realtors earned their name because they are so Realistic, evidenced by the multiple assurances delivered by this realtor that "it's nothing, just a small leak, very easy to fix". The seller's realtor was so realistic she avoided standing under the soon to collapse ceiling of this Logan Square single family home.
LOGAN SQUARE

Seller Brags About New Shower Seat

Taking over tour duties for his slack realtor, the excitable seller of this Jefferson Park two flat raved about the health benefits he has received over the years from enjoying extended showers sitting upright on his homemade therapeutic resting spot, one he affectionately called his "little wet pole".
JEFFERSON PARK

Recent Recent New Artifact Found

Finally, after thirty nine years of sleep in the back corner of this Ravenswood basement, a bourbon bottle has not exceeded it's promise.
RAVENSWOOD

New Porch Embarrassed by Views

After a $9,000 facelift to comply with Chicago's "if it can't hold a mack truck, it's out" new porch ordinance, this near west side porch has requested that visitors refrain from looking to their right, or they will be asked to leave. When asked for comment, the rehabbed porch grunted, "location, location location my @ss. why they no say, 'neighbor, neighbor, neighbor'. No matter what job you have. All job stinky. Matter who work with you."
UKRAINIAN VILLAGE

ComEd Introduces Fahrenheit Plus

In it's continued efforts to get customers to cut their energy use, and reduce profits to shareholders, ComEd has recently introduced FahrenheitPlus, a revolutionary new temperature system that takes the emotional pain out of setting your thermostat to 74 degrees in the winter. Now, you can simply round up, call it '8' and enjoy the warmth.
BOWMANVILLE