All photos taken live from Chicago properties & environs

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Landlord Really Wants to Rent

When asked why he wouldn't lower the rent on his Andersonville storefront to allow a start-up business a short term lease rather than keep the space vacant for months, the seasoned owner replied, "I'd rather take the losses on my taxes." When asked further if he felt his empty storefront was a blight on the neighborhood, he responded bluntly, "f*#k blight", before continuing, "It's my building not the neighborhood's."

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

1.2 Million & The Porch is Yours

As the high-end single family home home boom continues unabated throughout the Northside of Chicago, builders are struggling to find details that will help their generic designs stand out. Coffered ceilings and wi-fi mudrooms are not enough. One Andersonville developer was kind enough to preserve a traditional brick two flatrental building by converting it into a luxury single family home. But to appeal to the clientele who buy such properties, he constructed a minimalist inspired front porch, lovingly sprayed with the finest automotive primer.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Dead Hipster Reveals Shocking Truth

Home Inspectors and savvy realtors warn buyers to beware of the glitz. Check out the basement, they say, it's where you'll find the ugly truth.

Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man".
Logan Square

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Reclaimed Wood Fridge Claimed by No One

When purchasing a home, items such as appliances and lights are considered a part of the home unless a seller decides they want to keep them. But it isn't common for buyers to refuse a fixture. Until now.

The buyers of this turn of the century Garfield Park two flat demanded that the reclaimed wood refrigerator be removed from the property by closing. They told undisclosed sources that they thought the reclaimed wood as a disgrace because it wasn't old enough, and that they would reclaim even older, more age appropriate wood for their non-stainless refrigerator.
Garfield Park

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Frozen Barware Taunts Children's Playroom

A Bridgeport family converted their two flat's basement into a drinking preparation center so their children could safely play while gaining exposure to the subterranean dwelling's future use. The little ones were told that the wall was a Southside piñata that they'll get to break open on their thirteenth birthdays.

Prospective home buyers were assured that the liquor bottles and glasses were suitable for children as young as nine but that all liquor remaining was to be transferred in As-Is condition.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Crafty Seller Finds Planter Box Alternative

Known around the neighborhood for his mason jar lamps and mixing bowl hats, the owner of this historic Andersonville home was searching for a resourceful way to landscape. And when he found perfectly empty usable aluminum troughs surrounding his house, the owner just knew his neighbors would be so impressed by his latest repurposing project.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Realtor Outsourcing Proves Successful

Honoring the public's request to fall off the face of the earth, realtors have begun to outsource their traditional role as home guide and disseminator of the obvious. Buyers and sellers alike seem happy with the trend, anxiously awaiting the day when hell freezes over so they can enjoy a reduction in commission fees.
Rogers Park

Friday, June 26, 2015

Buyers Warned About Going Number 1

The elderly seller of this Albany Park bungalow could not understand why potential buyers (or grandchildren) of his family home kept urinating in the basement. Apparently, the owner didn't know that raccoons can't read.
Albany Park

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Patriotic & Paranoid - A True American

In preparation for July 4th, the potential seller of this Pilsen home let it be known that God blesses our nation and private property, however God will not consider VA loans. Cash only please.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Pilsen Artists Really Struggling

The tenants of this Pilsen two flat were bemoaning increasing rents to prospective buyers of their building, highlighting their third world television as a prime example of their financial difficulties. They then retreated to their enclosed porch to watch a BitTorrent download of Game of Thrones on their new Macbook.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Bathroom Fan Eliminated

In an effort to provide users with a guilt-free experience, the sellers of this Avondale single family home have created a towering structure guaranteed to conquer even the worst odors. Broan fans have allegedly announced a merger with Febreze to thwart all efforts at unseating their monopoly on the residential bathroom experience.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Aliens Have Finally Landed...in Chicago

Generations of Americans have wondered why the Aliens, the ones on UFOs, never seem to land in a big city. Well they finally did! And now the owner of this Edgewater home wants out. The extra terrestrial infestation is likely driving the sale of this non-traditional Chicago home, which some are speculating could be the latest design for the now ubiquitous boxy SmartTech home. As of press time, the aliens are postponing showings until they can remove all signs of Earthly life.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Buyer Seduced by Staging

Cookies baking at Open Houses, perfectly organized closets and color coordinated shelves failed to woo a discriminating home buyer who claimed "that garbage doesn't work on me." He later remarked, on repeated occasions, "do they honestly think that I'm that stupid?" And then he chanced upon the owner's bed, which hosted his Dostoevsky novel and reading glasses, obvious remnants of a busy man before he raced into his travertine glass mosaic full body spray rain shower on his way to the office. Sold! 4 month old unspoiled fruit and water-free orchids included.
Lincoln Square

Friday, April 24, 2015

Low Cost Realtor Keeps Delivering

In a real estate market this hot, simply discussing the sale of your home brings in offers. And the ever-so-clever real estate business has a plan for you. For a mere $6,950, they'll take a photo, click the upload button, leave a box on your door with keys to your home and for a limited time only, visit the property one time to post a professional SOLD sign.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

DISH TV Feeling Inadequate

Size still matters. That is the hard lesson a deflated DISH TV was feeling in West Town during an Open House this past Sunday. Buyers and their realtors were pouring into the backyard, a normally lackluster experience in Chicago, raving about "how big it is", and "oh my, I haven't seen one that big since college", and the often repeated, "they probably won't be leaving that".
West Town

Monday, April 6, 2015

80's Tiki Tub Fools Buyers

Enchanted by 1950's and 1980's decor, a very young and hip Logan Square couple knew they found their dream house when they came across this Tiki jacuzzi tub in the master suite. As their realtor pointed out the likely defects in the heating and plumbing system, along with the large foundation wall cracks, the buyers continued talking about the huge Mai-Tai bath parties they were going to have before exclaiming they were ready to offer.
Logan Square

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Hockey Dad Promises Better Rink Next Year

A Logan Square father, hockey fanatic, and home seller has promised all interested parties including but not limited to his dear children and extremely irate wife, that he will not attempt to build an ice rink in their future basement. He has suggested that perhaps the new home might have space for an indoor pool.
Logan Square

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Realtor Exhausted After Open House

An afternoon of saying, "welcome" and "please fill in the sign-in sheet" has left this Chicago realtor ready for nigh-nigh. Potential home buyers were confused by the agent's muffled vocabulary, but relieved to find his large bunny friend sleeping in the upstairs guest bedroom.
Portage Park

Friday, February 20, 2015

Couple Loses Baby During Open House

"Have you seen my baby?" These were the frantic words pleaded by a couple at an Open House in Humboldt Park this weekend. The buyers were hoping to get a great deal on a two flat that they could convert into a single family home, but one of the families, who was at risk of losing their affordable apartment, decided that prayer over the little one might engender feelings of empathy from the child's parents. When the child was finally discovered by the distraught couple, they admonished the praying renters by loudly exclaiming, "we were going to give you people a full thirty days notice to vacate and allow you to have our moving boxes too, but not anymore!"
Humboldt Park

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Buffalo Threatens Buyers

A beheaded Cape buffalo overheard potential buyers discussing how he could be included with the sale of this historic three flat. Initially, he was peeved at being referred to as a mere 'bull', but what really enraged him was the buyers' decision to put their tv over the fireplace and move the buffalo to the future basement bar. "My master once had a tv over the fireplace, but when he brought me home from the auction, I told him, 'what kind of philistine are you? Don't you ever put a television over a fireplace! What kind of fu*#*@ idiot does that? And if somebody is going to be the center of attention, it's me godda$#%*!" The buffalo convinced the seller to get an additional five thousand dollars for the head so the buffalo could buy a 3D printout of his body and get the $#@! out of Lincoln Park."
Lincoln Park

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Buyer Prefers Newer New Construction

The kitchen countertops weren't right. And the tile in the bathroom was too big. And those earth tones on the wall were just terrible. Some plebeians would attempt a moderate renovation, or god forbid, live with it. But among the new elite class that are flocking to Chicago's Andersonville neighborhood, status has become defined by how recently your home was built.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Insulted Owner Refuses to Work With Realtor

Avondale is Chicago's next hot neighborhood, and realtors have been relentlessly pursuing owners to sell their poorly maintained frame homes. But on a recent Sunday afternoon, one homeowner, irate and shirtless in January, was seen screaming from his front porch, "I refuse to sell my home of twenty-three years just so some website designing smartphone brat can live in walking distance to a twenty dollar cocktail. How much you think I can get? WHAT??? You guys all suck! Why don't you bother my neighbor, she's invisible so you might have better luck. JAG!!!"

Monday, January 12, 2015

Realtor Promises Buyers Change is Coming

One of Chicago's top real estate agents refused to disappoint his clients. The buyers were not interested in restoring an older home or dealing with the quirks associated with vintage properties in Chicago. They wanted something new, so their agent took them to a property near the el with city views. And then he offset his clients fearful looks with a surprising billboard validating his assertions about change.
Garfield Park
Jan. 2015

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Beanie Babies Decide to Sell Their Home

Declaring that "Roscoe Village is done!", a collective of rarely seen Beanie Babies have decided to sell their quaint Roscoe Village house. "You know, we like moved here twenty plus years ago. Back then we were the only babies around. Now, babies are everywhere." Asked where to next, the group was split with older babies crying, "cities are nothin' more than overpriced boutiques and slums. We're going to get a farm in Indiana, plenty of shelf space there." But the younger ones simply said, "southside, baby."
Roscoe Village

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Santa Disappointed with Chimney Renovation

Modern homeowners who have allowed the mason industry to fulfill their desires for 'taller than my neighbor' structures have started to irritate Chicago's most respected chimney sweep. Speaking to reporters during his busy season, the heavyset Union boss said, "This is it. I'm done after this year. I can't be expected to fit in there. I hear there are some Drones from the Amazon that charge less then me. Let them do it. Little people, I seen them. Illegals probably, gonna put me out of business. But I don't care. I'm moving to Mexico to live off my social security."
North Center

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Vulcan Seller Offers Free Gifts with Purchase

With yuletide hopes that some holiday shopper may overlook his years of deferred maintenance due to frequent trips to a far far away place, a Ravenswood Vulcan has decided to include his rare collection of plasticized family members should an intrepid buyer be willing to pay the steep list price on his neglected Victorian. Batteries not included.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Picket Shortage Solved with Discarded Bikes

As the rise of unaffordable new construction homes sweeps Humboldt Park and Logan Square, home improvement stores are unable to keep fence pickets in stock as new neighbors begin the process of walling off from the native inhabitants. Some residents have protested by utilizing the remains of light pole festering bicycles in an effort to show new homeowners the essence of Logan Square. One bike fence re-purposer remarked, "This is Logan. Logan equals bikes. And bikes were here first." When asked why he didn't move further west where he could afford real pickets, the bike fencer responded, "Uh, well, there is nowhere to get a locally grown Mulled Apple Cider Ginger Mule."
Logan Square

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Proud Garage Shelters Homeless Rodents

An Edgewater garage, proud to be a member of the famed Balmoral alley, has decided to offset the premature Polar Vortex by allowing neighborhood rodents, vermin and other feral strays to lodge beneath her warm rafters.

When asked about the potential problems that might be caused for the home's sellers, the garage quickly responded, "Look, these buyers today don't care about us. My friends down the alley already warned me. The real estate agent says, 'do you want to see the garage', and they are like, 'no, that's ok. it's just a garage'. Just a garage! Well, I'll show them. Let's see what they think of my little betting parlor here, Rats vs. Cat. Already got a reality tv show calling." Edgewater

Thursday, November 6, 2014

All Natural Garden Gutters Attract Green Folk

With Green Homes and Green Design being such desirable traits, sellers are looking for all possible angles to highlight their property's green features. And buyers continue to look for visibly symbolic ways to offset their SUVs and triple head rain showers. Welcome the highly ornate, yet affordable, organic garden gutter, a new feature to the Chicago housing landscape, guaranteed to attract native wildlife while only allowing for gradual sustained water damage.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Jury Summons for the Dead Sells Home

An elaborate home staging helped transform a neglected Uptown three flat into an empathy generating estate sale. The sympathetic buyer quietly asked, "does this mean we can low ball them?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logan Square Continues to Innovate

As Chicago's latest destination for the creative class, Logan Square has become a showplace for cutting edge design. One proud resident, who has decided to sell his two flat to move into a re-purposed Sub-Zero refrigerator box, showed off his ceiling surround sound, promising Sonic Youth "at a whole new level, man."
Logan Square

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Hidden Nanny Cam Impresses Buyers

After going through an extensive list of minor renovations in order to sell their home, the sellers of this Sauganash colonial were surprised to find out that their Coon Cam was a persuading factor. Despite the persistent objections of their realtor, the sellers were convinced their technological taxidermy would impress potential buyers, and after twenty-one months on the market, they obviously knew best.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Who likes to Party?

Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Lincoln Square

Monday, September 22, 2014

Realtors Monopoly Threatened by Post-Its

Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Portage Park

Friday, September 12, 2014

Neighbors Sad to See Garden Tenant Moving

The seller of this Logan Square three flat was unable to resist increasing home prices in his neighborhood, and finally accepted an offer, confiding in his neighbors that, "it has been nice to provide affordable rents and all, but this is an incredible offer, and to just tear it down, can you believe it?". The shocked neighbor quickly responded, "Does this mean Jerry is moving from downstairs? We really enjoyed his bathing routine."
Logan Square

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Tripping on Linoleum Intrigues Buyers

Buyers from throughout Chicago lined up to trip on linoleum at this rarely available craftsman bungalow in Edgewater. The listing agent advertised that "tripping on linoleum has never been so fun" but was surprised to see that her cutesy expression attracted so many disheveled people, adorned with infantile teddy bears and fish, who appeared incapable of owning a home.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

August's Fortunate Son Dons Flag Burqa

The feline guardian of this Albany Park Italianate villa was unable to deal with his castle's lack of central air conditioning despite knowing it is only needed for twenty-two days a year in Chicago. Honoring a tour of duty in Arabia that included dalliances with his more modest companions, a proud Sir Leo cooled off by raising his Stars and Stripes half-burqa.

And waiting for September so he can run free and let the uptight Virgo take over house greeting duties.
Albany Park

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Seller Not Sure Who the Mad Men Are

An elderly home seller, confused and upset, was overheard asking her realtor why so many buyers kept traipsing through her home talking about 'mad men'. The listing agent was instructed to tell all potential home buyers that the men who spent time in this room were all good family men who gathered here most weeknights to avoid interfering with their wives and children.
Budlong Woods

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Home Prices Plummet due to Plant Vandals

Andersonville residents will tolerate a lot. But not when it comes to plant abuse. Someone or something has been targeting plants located on the parkway, sometimes known legally as Property of the City of Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Homeowners are being urged to electrocute their parkways (aka 'the swale'), but some home buyers feel that things may never turn around, instead opting for the suburbs, where the lack of parkways and sidewalks ensure a dog will never need a walk and a resident can happily drive to their neighbor's place.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

DIY Seller Shows Realtors How to Sell

Refusing to waste thousands on a Realtor, a local Ravenswood homeowner figured it couldn't be that hard to sell a home. After all, he reasoned, he'd sold plenty on Craigslist. So he boarded up the broken windows, left the broken tree limbs to cover them up, grabbed some flags from a nearby Street festival dumpster, and put up a For Sale sign previously used on his 93' Camry LE.

As of press time, a Realtor sign had been spotted along with shinier flags and pictures of the seller's agent covering the plywood windows.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Nosey Neighbor Creeps Buyers Out

In Chicago, most residents, whether they be homeowners or renters, expect to see a sheer wall of brick or siding mere feet from their bedroom window. And when window meets window, the curtain drops. But in this Ukrainian Village two flat, a smarmy looking child refused to go to bed, content with flashing faux gang signs while brandishing a Vidal Sassoon bottle.
Ukrainian Village

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Gaudí Disciples Fail

In a valiant effort to pay tribute to the Spanish surrealist architect Antonio Gaudí, the seller of these overpriced Andersonville new construction homes attempted to present classic American shake shingles in an 'updated' fashion as explained by the realtor, failing to mention that the new owner of these gaudy tinderboxes will inherit the tastes of an inebriated lego baby.