A NOT SO GLAMOROUS LOOK AT THE UNDERBELLY OF CHICAGO'S HOUSING MARKET


All photos taken live from Chicago properties & environs

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Bad Boy Alleges Discrimination Against Seller


A boy who is not considered good filed a complaint against the realtor and seller of this Ravenswood Manor home for failure to provide literature or other knowledge based forms of learning that would enlighten potential buyers to the complexities of misbehaved boys. The seller quickly issued a public statement claiming, "we used to have those too, but after the divorce, my husband took them."
Ravenswood Manor

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Parents Demanding Time Out Caves in 2014


In an effort to fuse their quest for Asian level test scores and Scandinavian levels of happiness, Chicago parents are demanding homes sold with Time Out Caves in order to better prepare their children for 21st century success. Children have greeted the latest Chicago home fashion trend warmly, with one Northside brat telling reporters, "beats those stupid Suzuki piano lessons and quiet time yoga with my dumb stupid sister."
Lakeview

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Jealous Swans Force AFLAC Executive to Sell


The Swans had no idea. They had been residing blissfully in the master ensuite, an adoring owner who thanked them repeatedly for his fortunes. Then their master left the bathroom television on by accident one day. The swans were furious. How dare their captor use a lowly duck to solicit the masses. An attempted drowning followed, then a quick call to a realtor, and now a battery executive is rumored to be the new buyer.
Edgewater

Friday, March 21, 2014

NAACP Vegan Girls Wear Fur to Sell Home


Selling a home in Hyde Park requires just the right mix of eccentricity to appeal to the neighborhood's notoriously unique reputation. And this family's children, rumored to be friends with the Obama girls, has taken to wearing their favorite furs to sell their childhood Victorian home. As an added bonus, the girls are offering buyers their famed Broccoli Brats at this weekend's open house.
Hyde Park

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Realtor Promises that Creepy Dolls Included


The listing agent of this Lincoln Square three flat assured all prospective buyers that the rare collection of assorted Pop icon Barbie dolls could be included in the sale price of the home, not to worry. However, she was unable to assure anybody if the roof was still leaking, or the basement remained dry, or the electric was updated, or that anything in the house worked at all.
Lincoln Square

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Seller Assumes Nobody Will Notice

The seller of this outdated Bucktown worker's cottage knew his lack of windows would turn off potential buyers. So he did what any native Chicagoan would do, and installed a beautiful bay window, directly on top of a five foot mound of snow. "At least he used a level," muttered one prospective buyer.
Bucktown

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Children's Bathroom Sells Home

Parents are tired of exposing their children to marketing devices cloaked inside adorable furry creatures. At least that was the sentiment coming from the buyer of this loft style home, in West Town, who looked at his screen-free kids before proudly blurting, "Now that is what I'm talking about. Sold!"
West Town

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wall-less Bathrooms a Hit in Chicago

In the constant battle to stay ahead of the crowd, contractors have been introducing a design concept not yet seen in Chicago: a truly open bathroom. Cutting edge builders are citing the rise in open kitchens as their inspiration. One prominent Chicago developer stated, "hey, in mom's generation nobody wanted to see you cook, so who am I to say that among these millinelly, or whatever they are, buyers they don't wants to be in the shower and watch the kiddos play."
Andersonville

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Supreme Court to Rule on Hardwood Floors

A local Chicago buyer has taken her builder to the nation's top court to decide if her hard wood floors are truly hardwood floors. The builder released this statement through his press agent, "I am builder, yes? She is ask for hard wood floor. I am make hard wood floor. I no understand problem. Lady is tell me she like deck I make very much. I am even make her special baseboard. America is crazy country."
Albany Park

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Lincoln Square Alcoholics Celebrate Winter

Refusing to give in to Polar Vortexes and Global Cooling, a coterie of Lincoln Square residents, who casually drink six nights a week but definitely do not have a drinking problem, have been gathering around the Yule Pole of a recently listed property to enjoy bottles of Skyy Vodka. The owner of the aging Victorian has welcomed any activity that prevents buyers from realizing he has resided in the home for twenty years without spending a dime on property maintenance.
Lincoln Square

Friday, February 7, 2014

Rosemarie's Baby Found in Northside Attic

Hoping that a duplex up could salvage this tiny Albany Park two flat, an adventurous pair of buyers journeyed up into the attic. Upon hearing the screams of doom, both realtors and the seller utilized their recently obtained concealed weapon permits to bravely enter up the hatch. After a few erroneous shots, the seller started laughing, and calmly told the shivering buyers, "Ahh, that's what you hollering about, that's just the spawn of Satan. He's harmless".
Albany Park

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Buyers Given One Hour to Decide or else...

A young couple looking to buy their first home in the Edgewater neighborhood was locked in the basement and told to 'work it out'. After thirty-five minutes, the realtor briefly entered the cellar, told the buyers they only had twenty-five minutes remaining, and left them a cheese ball. After one hour, there was a loud noise, and a realtor spotted leaving with a half-eaten cheese ball.
Edgewater

Friday, January 24, 2014

Owner Markets Home to Kids Who Love Doors

In an effort to assist homebuyers in seeing past forty-three years of neglect, the owner of this Logan Square Victorian decided she would take a cue from Saturday morning cartoon advertisers and appeal to parents through their children, putting "Behind the Brown Door" on her flyers. The owner is currently debating between two offers, one in the form of a paper airplane, and the other in crayon.
Logan Square

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Logan Square

Monday, January 6, 2014

Waterfall Feature Helps Owner Sell Dump

Lured by the promise of a "rare two story waterfall", a pair of new homebuyers were duped into overlooking various details of this poorly maintained Logan Square two flat. As soon as the potential buyer asked about low water pressure, the owner would say, "oh, yeah, the waterfall does freeze up in winter but it's still beautiful. The neighbors are jealous, for sure."
Logan Square

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Foreclosures Offer Free Christmas Marketing

In a year end blitzkrieg to clear their already tainted books, major U.S. banks have teamed up with local retailers to offer promotions inside foreclosed properties in a last ditch attempt to lure home buyers into properties that even members of Chicago's vaunted homeless community have derided as "making our here shelters look like da damn Drake."
Albany Park

Monday, December 16, 2013

Hansel & Gretel Fireplace Scares Nanny

In an effort to find some new amenity that homeowners will waste their money on, Grimm Brothers Construction, a local Chicago builder, has begun adding child-friendly fireplaces to their finished basements, with a promise that "your kids will learn the skills to enjoy life organically, creating combustion from both wood and flesh."
Old Irving Park

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Pop-Up Restaurant in Foreclosure

Driven by a lack of restaurants in the Old Irving Park area, one homeowner decided to create his own in-home bistro, hoping its BYO status would attract budget conscious parents looking for a night time escape. Unfortunately, the diners were not aware that it was 'bring your own everything'. The bank is including the restaurant with the home sale.
Old Irving Park

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thanksgiving Trix Tossed in Toilet

Two days before Black Friday and a day before that other holiday, a bowl of Trix cereal has found its way into the Glacier Bay Commode located on the second floor of this Edgewater two flat. The aggrieved party has threatened to eat those soggy little balls for Thanksgiving dinner, in front of Uncle Karl and everyone. The seller of the building, otherwise known as "cruel cruel mommy", has yet to respond.
Edgewater

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Seller Stages Home to Attract Those People

The seller of this converted Ukrainian Village storefront was adamant she appeal to those people, you know, she squawked, the ones who get it. Ninety-four days later, nobody seems to get it, except those that aren't permitted to buy the property due to a school across the street.
Ukrainian Village

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Landlord Solves Triplets' Breastfeeding Issues

The tenant of this Humboldt Park four flat was having difficulty holding down a job while also striving to breastfeed her triplet girls until the landlord presented her with another one of his crazy Eddy solutions, this one guaranteed to feed "the whole litter at once." Shortly after the appearance of 'miracle mommy in the sky', more limb shaped protrusions began to descend throughout the building until crazy Eddy realized he couldn't feed the whole place, and decided to sell.
Humboldt Park

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Afghan Immigrant Struggling with Native Rugs

Despite growing up among the world's most sought after floor coverings, this Edgewater resident left his native Afghanistan for the rich and luxurious world of American synthetic fibers where it was decided that he would turn his bungalow's basement into the personalized intimate rug emporium he felt Chicago needed. Several floods later, and harboring a carpet collection he deemed, "so very ugly that my people are not even to let their animals go bathroom on it", the salesman exclaimed, "I am finish carpet. I am finish basement. I am go wood floor for condo. Maybe have some granite and steel kitchen. This is the good American life."
Edgewater

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Is Selling a Home like Fun or like a Chore?


Apparently neither. This might explain, why after seven unsuccessful months, this overpriced Lincoln Square two flat remains on the market.
Lincoln Square

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Buyer Sees the Light

After ten grueling minutes slogging through a dilapidated Pilsen foreclosure wondering why his realtor brought him to such a place, the exasperated buyer finally saw the light. And the rat holes. And the dusty stack of unpaid bills. And, the exit.
Pilsen

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Alcoholic Discovers the Perfect Stairs

After weeks of looking at homes with perilous descents, this proud and mighty drinker was overcome with joy to encounter a basement stairway that would allow him to successfully slumber back up to bed after a night of basement boozing. The sellers of this Rogers Park bungalow even offered to throw in their safety harness for those extra special occasions.
Rogers Park

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Mother Intimidates Buyers Into Purchasing

A young couple looking at a worker's cottage in the Wicker Park neighborhood could not decide if they could accept the small yard, dated kitchen, and only one bathroom despite the competitive price. That was, until the matron of the home peered from behind the bedroom door, and sternly declared, "you don't buy this home, my kids don't eat."
Wicker Park

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Gay Couple Excited to Paint House


The new buyers of this vintage North Park bungalow have been making plans to paint murals of Adam & Steve and The Three Kings starring Liberace on their cracking plaster walls after discovering a manual giving them step by step instructions.
North Park

Monday, September 30, 2013

Buyer Impressed by Stars Wars People

The buyer of this mid-century Rogers Park ranch had always assumed that people who were into Star Wars lived below their mothers in musty basement apartments surrounded by George Lucas propaganda. Then he came across the seller's sleek orange fireplace and rhapsodized about the 'oh so cool' stylings of a previously dismissed class. Due to time constraints the buyer was unable to see the charred remains of Ewoks inside the coveted fireplace.
Rogers Park

Friday, September 20, 2013

God Admits to Landlord Troubles


God told the potential buyers of her 3 flat greystone that modern ideas of tolerance are not practical. "Back in the old days, you don't pay ya rent, I stone ya. And that don't work, I take ya first born."
Garfield Park

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Dutch Elm Disease Spreads to Kitchen

Refusing to be another pile of mulch in yet another Chicago community garden, this quadriplegic stump survivor decided he would reclaim his final years infecting the buttocks of Wicker Park renters who forgot to move to Logan Square ten years ago.
Wicker Park

Monday, September 9, 2013

Bedroom Flooded With Light Excites Buyer

A Chicago realtor advertising a Logan Square brick two flat as having a master bedroom flooded with light enticed one buyer to cancel his afternoon appointments in order to view this rare Chicago commodity. The current tenant expressed his satisfaction with the space exclaiming it was better than the run down garage he used to crash in.
Logan Square

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Wife Insists Man's Cave Resemble Cave

A local Chicago woman, one half of the real estate duo attempting to sell their historic Portage Park bungalow, has told reporters that she refused to allow her husband to have his own bar, home theater system and pool table while she was relegated to the pantry. A mystified husband countered that the pantry had an extensive shelving system, a fold down ironing board and room for a stackable washer and dryer.
Portage Park

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Stainless Hoarders Hoarding Stained Stainless

Years after stainless steel appliances captivated kitchen owners across the country, their legacy, stained stainless, has finally taken control, and new home buyers can not wait to finally own these highly impractical overpriced machines. But one Lincoln Square curmudgeon has refused to let any home buyer get their greasy fingers on his perfectly fingered stained stainless refrigerator. And buyers are protesting by refusing to write offers.
Lincoln Square

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Flippers Touting Luxury Uitility Sinks


With the ubiquity of cherry cabinets, granite counters and Brazilian hardwood, investors rehabbing houses, commonly referred to by their maritime mammalian codename, "flipper", have sought out new ways to attract cutting edge home buyers. In this Mayfair bungalow, a flipper has marketed his 'reclaimed vintage' utility sink with high end Grohe shower faucet as a "must have item for those wanting the latest in utility sink fashion."
Mayfair

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

A Cock and A Cookie Seduce Potential Buyer

For the last few years, more and more realtors are delegating sales responsibilities to the very dependable, and always hardworking, lockbox community. But sometimes a truly motivated realtor will engage in clever sales tactics like the listing agent for this fading Edgewater Victorian who deputized a local rooster to bake some cookies for the evening showings.
Edgewater

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Open House Turnout Larger than Expected


Open Houses are generally known as a place where realtors can pick up new clients while pretending to be aggressively getting buyers through the home. Over the years, home baked cookies and assorted treats have been popular items to bring in nosy neighbors and other undesirables. But one Chicago agent discovered that a misplaced laundry line can really make your clients think you are working hard.
Andersonville

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Mysterious Banking Cabal Unveiled


Since the 2007-2008 housing and banking crash, investigators have been entrenched in a worldwide hunt to uncover the notorious yet unknown cabal responsible for the gross misconduct dealt to the American financial system. At approximately 17:00 hours this past Friday, the cartel was discovered lounging in the basement of a Jefferson Park estate sale. When pressed for answers to their egregious behavior, the bearded one radiating light laughed, then serenely pronounced, "y'all loved it while it lasted. 'nother brewski please."
Jefferson Park

Friday, July 12, 2013

Duck Duck Buy


A new game has emerged with home buyers in the low inventory Chicago market, where a buyer so desperate for a property will begin to blindly place bids on every third property in hopes that somebody, somewhere, please, yes, you, will take our offer even if we are unable to stand up in a single room.
Logan Square

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Couple Turns to Stone Waiting for Short Sale


Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Portage Park

Friday, July 5, 2013

Swingers Abandon Property


Apparently too much swinging can eventually lead to the same financial calamities that have affected other foreclosed homes. Potential buyers and even their realtors are now asked to sign a swinging waiver before entering a property that clarifies that any swinging they may do is at their own risk.
Sauganash

Friday, June 28, 2013

Juliet Upset Over New Home


Former Verona resident Juliet Montague was upset over her husband's purchase of this aging Avondale single family home stating that the suspended outdoor space was woefully unsuited to lure neighborhood men who might choose to serenade her on a warm evening.
Avondale

Friday, June 21, 2013

Daughter's Pitiful Look Shows Well



In an effort to add some emotional value to their overpriced Albany Park two flat, the sellers asked their eight year old daughter to scribble sentimental notes on the wall and remain in mourning when potential buyers wanted to look in her room. The sellers did offer to leave their daughter if the buyers paid more for their furnishings.
Albany Park

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Dog Waiting to Attack Unsuspecting Buyers


Hoping to disguise ongoing water damage in their guest bedroom, the sellers of this Albany Park turn of the century cottage quarantined their dog to provide a seemingly valid excuse for why nobody could enter the room. One potential buyer overheard the ruffian muttering to himself, "my mother is a lying $#@&. save me. please. these glade plug-ins are killing me!"
Albany Park

Friday, June 14, 2013

Little Girl Scared of HGTV


After hours of being forced to watch HGTV by her parents, who were desperately trying to sell their overpriced Ukrainian Village home, this adventurous young girl decided to hide above her ill-fitting clothes. She was overheard by a realtor whispering, "Have you seen my backpack or my monkey?"
Ukrainian Village

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Multiiple Offers Intoxicate Seller


Surprised that five different buyers wanted to pay more than she paid at the height of the Chicago real estate boom, an overjoyed seller spent the evening, and most of the next three days, sequestered in her non-functioning jacuzzi tub wondering where exactly she would move to.
River North

Friday, June 7, 2013

Questionable Wallpaper Choice Explained



The seller's realtor was unable to provide a satisfactory answer as to why a 21st century homeowner would wallpaper the ceiling of an otherwise beautiful Logan Square Victorian. Then the buyer wandered into the basement office. As of press time, the buyer is still missing.
Logan Square