A NOT SO GLAMOROUS LOOK AT THE UNDERBELLY OF CHICAGO'S HOUSING MARKET


All photos taken live from Chicago properties & environs

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Jury Summons for the Dead Sells Home

An elaborate home staging helped transform a neglected Uptown three flat into an empathy generating estate sale. The sympathetic buyer quietly asked, "does this mean we can low ball them?"
Uptown

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Logan Square Continues to Innovate

As Chicago's latest destination for the creative class, Logan Square has become a showplace for cutting edge design. One proud resident, who has decided to sell his two flat to move into a re-purposed Sub-Zero refrigerator box, showed off his ceiling surround sound, promising Sonic Youth "at a whole new level, man."
Logan Square

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Hidden Nanny Cam Impresses Buyers

After going through an extensive list of minor renovations in order to sell their home, the sellers of this Sauganash colonial were surprised to find out that their Coon Cam was a persuading factor. Despite the persistent objections of their realtor, the sellers were convinced their technological taxidermy would impress potential buyers, and after twenty-one months on the market, they obviously knew best.
Sauganash

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Who likes to Party?


Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Lincoln Square

Monday, September 22, 2014

Realtors Monopoly Threatened by Post-Its


Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Portage Park

Friday, September 12, 2014

Neighbors Sad to See Garden Tenant Moving


The seller of this Logan Square three flat was unable to resist increasing home prices in his neighborhood, and finally accepted an offer, confiding in his neighbors that, "it has been nice to provide affordable rents and all, but this is an incredible offer, and to just tear it down, can you believe it?". The shocked neighbor quickly responded, "Does this mean Jerry is moving from downstairs? We really enjoyed his bathing routine."
Logan Square

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Tripping on Linoleum Intrigues Buyers

Buyers from throughout Chicago lined up to trip on linoleum at this rarely available craftsman bungalow in Edgewater. The listing agent advertised that "tripping on linoleum has never been so fun" but was surprised to see that her cutesy expression attracted so many disheveled people who appeared incapable of owning a home.
Edgewater

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

August's Fortunate Son Dons Flag Burqa

The feline guardian of this Albany Park Italianate villa was unable to deal with his castle's lack of central air conditioning despite knowing it is only needed for twenty-two days a year in Chicago. Honoring a tour of duty in Arabia that included dalliances with his more modest companions, a proud Sir Leo cooled off by raising his Stars and Stripes half-burqa.

And waiting for September so he can run free and let the uptight Virgo take over house greeting duties.
Albany Park

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Seller Not Sure Who the Mad Men Are

An elderly home seller, confused and upset, was overheard asking her realtor why so many buyers kept traipsing through her home talking about 'mad men'. The listing agent was instructed to tell all potential home buyers that the men who spent time in this room were all good family men who gathered here most weeknights to avoid interfering with their wives and children.
Budlong Woods

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Home Prices Plummet due to Plant Vandals


Andersonville residents will tolerate a lot. But not when it comes to plant abuse. Someone or something has been targeting plants located on the parkway, sometimes known legally as Property of the City of Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Homeowners are being urged to electrocute their parkways (aka 'the swale'), but some home buyers feel that things may never turn around, instead opting for the suburbs, where the lack of parkways and sidewalks ensure a dog will never need a walk and a resident can happily drive to their neighbor's place.
Andersonville

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

DIY Seller Shows Realtors How to Sell


Refusing to waste thousands on a Realtor, a local Ravenswood homeowner figured it couldn't be that hard to sell a home. After all, he reasoned, he'd sold plenty on Craigslist. So he boarded up the broken windows, left the broken tree limbs to cover them up, grabbed some flags from a nearby Street festival dumpster, and put up a For Sale sign previously used on his 93' Camry LE.

As of press time, a Realtor sign had been spotted along with shinier flags and pictures of the seller's agent covering the plywood windows.
Ravenswood

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Nosey Neighbor Creeps Buyers Out

In Chicago, most residents, whether they be homeowners or renters, expect to see a sheer wall of brick or siding mere feet from their bedroom window. And when window meets window, the curtain drops. But in this Ukrainian Village two flat, a smarmy looking child refused to go to bed, content with flashing faux gang signs while brandishing a Vidal Sassoon bottle.
Ukrainian Village

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Gaudí Disciples Fail

In a valiant effort to pay tribute to the Spanish surrealist architect Antonio Gaudí, the seller of these overpriced Andersonville new construction homes attempted to present classic American shake shingles in an 'updated' fashion as explained by the realtor, failing to mention that the new owner of these gaudy tinderboxes will inherit the tastes of an inebriated lego baby.
Bowmanville

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Seller Refuses to Include Headboard in Sale

The seller of this historic Ukrainian Village worker's cottage was adamant that the "rocks is not stay." He claimed that including them "then I make price higher but nobody paying me high price of rock." The buyer assured her realtor that she'd replace them with a more tasteful glass mosaic tile.
Ukrainian Village

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Parents Upset Child Can't Make More Fire

The progressive diaper free parents of two small toddlers were upset their free range children would be unable to fully explore the magic of multiple fires in their newly acquired Wicker Park worker's cottage and are now debating the implications this could have on the future success of their children.
Wicker Park

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Illinois In-Laws Refuse to Live in In-Law

In an argument heard several yards away, the buyers of this Andersonville two flat were berated by their in-laws after attempting to persuade them to live in their soon to be acquired in-law cottage. "I didn't bust my behind to retirement just to take care of your kids. If you can't handle it, maybe you should stick your children in there and lock the door!" The buyers are currently interviewing nannies and directors of assisted living facilities.
Andersonville

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Local Boiler Hired to Teach Economics

As economists have struggled to correctly explain the economy's direction, one well renowned Chicago university has decided to give an adjunct professorship to a local Pilsen boiler, who correctly read the economy in 1953 and again in 1979, and today serves as an adviser to many home buyers looking for clues to the market's future.
Pilsen

Friday, May 16, 2014

Mirror Mirror On the Wall

An Avondale vanity refused to sanction the presumed beauty of her frame cottage's potential suitors. When asked by witnesses to account for such unbecoming behavior, the reflective oracle bluntly stated, "look, I'm not used to deese kind of peoples. Youse know da type, want good looks vali-dation and then upset I ain't no Robern or Kohler. $%*# dose people. I couldn't take it. So I cracked. I'm a mirror goddammit. And dis here is Avondale."
Avondale

Friday, May 9, 2014

Buyer Still Looking for Bathroom


The In-Law apartment included with this Uptown multi-family building was touted as 'Euro style', and only when the buyer saw the toilet paper next to the kitchen sink did he fully understand the centuries old driving force behind U.S. immigration.
UPTOWN

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Liberal Couple Scared to Low-Ball


A progressive pair of Chicago Northsiders, attempting to move to an area of Chicago they could afford to own, has felt intimidated to place a low offer on an overpriced Jefferson Park two flat. Following the showing, the husband whined, "Look sweetie, you know how these people are, we should just pay him what he wants. Interest rates are so low it doesn't matter. I just, you know, I can't buy a gun. I just can't."
Jefferson Park

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Large Open House Turnout Surprises Seller

A local realtor was surprisingly honest when he told his Lincoln Square seller that the only reason he would host an open house would be to find new buyers. But the line to get in the bathroom went out the front door. When the seller came home and asked one of the many fashionable people in line why she didn't want to see the rest of the house, the girl in line exclaimed, "well, you know, we heard there was some good stuff in the bathroom, but we just heard on Twitter that they ran out, so we brought our own."
Lincoln Square

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Bad Boy Alleges Discrimination Against Seller


A boy who is not considered good filed a complaint against the realtor and seller of this Ravenswood Manor home for failure to provide literature or other knowledge based forms of learning that would enlighten potential buyers to the complexities of misbehaved boys. The seller quickly issued a public statement claiming, "we used to have those too, but after the divorce, my husband took them."
Ravenswood Manor

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Parents Demanding Time Out Caves in 2014


In an effort to fuse their quest for Asian level test scores and Scandinavian levels of happiness, Chicago parents are demanding homes sold with Time Out Caves in order to better prepare their children for 21st century success. Children have greeted the latest Chicago home fashion trend warmly, with one Northside brat telling reporters, "beats those stupid Suzuki piano lessons and quiet time yoga with my dumb stupid sister."
Lakeview

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Jealous Swans Force AFLAC Executive to Sell


The Swans had no idea. They had been residing blissfully in the master ensuite, an adoring owner who thanked them repeatedly for his fortunes. Then their master left the bathroom television on by accident one day. The swans were furious. How dare their captor use a lowly duck to solicit the masses. An attempted drowning followed, then a quick call to a realtor, and now a battery executive is rumored to be the new buyer.
Edgewater

Friday, March 21, 2014

NAACP Vegan Girls Wear Fur to Sell Home


Selling a home in Hyde Park requires just the right mix of eccentricity to appeal to the neighborhood's notoriously unique reputation. And this family's children, rumored to be friends with the Obama girls, has taken to wearing their favorite furs to sell their childhood Victorian home. As an added bonus, the girls are offering buyers their famed Broccoli Brats at this weekend's open house.
Hyde Park

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Realtor Promises that Creepy Dolls Included


The listing agent of this Lincoln Square three flat assured all prospective buyers that the rare collection of assorted Pop icon Barbie dolls could be included in the sale price of the home, not to worry. However, she was unable to assure anybody if the roof was still leaking, or the basement remained dry, or the electric was updated, or that anything in the house worked at all.
Lincoln Square

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Seller Assumes Nobody Will Notice

The seller of this outdated Bucktown worker's cottage knew his lack of windows would turn off potential buyers. So he did what any native Chicagoan would do, and installed a beautiful bay window, directly on top of a five foot mound of snow. "At least he used a level," muttered one prospective buyer.
Bucktown

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Children's Bathroom Sells Home

Parents are tired of exposing their children to marketing devices cloaked inside adorable furry creatures. At least that was the sentiment coming from the buyer of this loft style home, in West Town, who looked at his screen-free kids before proudly blurting, "Now that is what I'm talking about. Sold!"
West Town

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wall-less Bathrooms a Hit in Chicago

In the constant battle to stay ahead of the crowd, contractors have been introducing a design concept not yet seen in Chicago: a truly open bathroom. Cutting edge builders are citing the rise in open kitchens as their inspiration. One prominent Chicago developer stated, "hey, in mom's generation nobody wanted to see you cook, so who am I to say that among these millinelly, or whatever they are, buyers they don't wants to be in the shower and watch the kiddos play."
Andersonville

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Supreme Court to Rule on Hardwood Floors

A local Chicago buyer has taken her builder to the nation's top court to decide if her hard wood floors are truly hardwood floors. The builder released this statement through his press agent, "I am builder, yes? She is ask for hard wood floor. I am make hard wood floor. I no understand problem. Lady is tell me she like deck I make very much. I am even make her special baseboard. America is crazy country."
Albany Park

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Lincoln Square Alcoholics Celebrate Winter

Refusing to give in to Polar Vortexes and Global Cooling, a coterie of Lincoln Square residents, who casually drink six nights a week but definitely do not have a drinking problem, have been gathering around the Yule Pole of a recently listed property to enjoy bottles of Skyy Vodka. The owner of the aging Victorian has welcomed any activity that prevents buyers from realizing he has resided in the home for twenty years without spending a dime on property maintenance.
Lincoln Square

Friday, February 7, 2014

Rosemarie's Baby Found in Northside Attic

Hoping that a duplex up could salvage this tiny Albany Park two flat, an adventurous pair of buyers journeyed up into the attic. Upon hearing the screams of doom, both realtors and the seller utilized their recently obtained concealed weapon permits to bravely enter up the hatch. After a few erroneous shots, the seller started laughing, and calmly told the shivering buyers, "Ahh, that's what you hollering about, that's just the spawn of Satan. He's harmless".
Albany Park

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Buyers Given One Hour to Decide or else...

A young couple looking to buy their first home in the Edgewater neighborhood was locked in the basement and told to 'work it out'. After thirty-five minutes, the realtor briefly entered the cellar, told the buyers they only had twenty-five minutes remaining, and left them a cheese ball. After one hour, there was a loud noise, and a realtor spotted leaving with a half-eaten cheese ball.
Edgewater

Friday, January 24, 2014

Owner Markets Home to Kids Who Love Doors

In an effort to assist homebuyers in seeing past forty-three years of neglect, the owner of this Logan Square Victorian decided she would take a cue from Saturday morning cartoon advertisers and appeal to parents through their children, putting "Behind the Brown Door" on her flyers. The owner is currently debating between two offers, one in the form of a paper airplane, and the other in crayon.
Logan Square

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Logan Square

Monday, January 6, 2014

Waterfall Feature Helps Owner Sell Dump

Lured by the promise of a "rare two story waterfall", a pair of new homebuyers were duped into overlooking various details of this poorly maintained Logan Square two flat. As soon as the potential buyer asked about low water pressure, the owner would say, "oh, yeah, the waterfall does freeze up in winter but it's still beautiful. The neighbors are jealous, for sure."
Logan Square

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Foreclosures Offer Free Christmas Marketing

In a year end blitzkrieg to clear their already tainted books, major U.S. banks have teamed up with local retailers to offer promotions inside foreclosed properties in a last ditch attempt to lure home buyers into properties that even members of Chicago's vaunted homeless community have derided as "making our here shelters look like da damn Drake."
Albany Park

Monday, December 16, 2013

Hansel & Gretel Fireplace Scares Nanny

In an effort to find some new amenity that homeowners will waste their money on, Grimm Brothers Construction, a local Chicago builder, has begun adding child-friendly fireplaces to their finished basements, with a promise that "your kids will learn the skills to enjoy life organically, creating combustion from both wood and flesh."
Old Irving Park

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Pop-Up Restaurant in Foreclosure

Driven by a lack of restaurants in the Old Irving Park area, one homeowner decided to create his own in-home bistro, hoping its BYO status would attract budget conscious parents looking for a night time escape. Unfortunately, the diners were not aware that it was 'bring your own everything'. The bank is including the restaurant with the home sale.
Old Irving Park

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thanksgiving Trix Tossed in Toilet

Two days before Black Friday and a day before that other holiday, a bowl of Trix cereal has found its way into the Glacier Bay Commode located on the second floor of this Edgewater two flat. The aggrieved party has threatened to eat those soggy little balls for Thanksgiving dinner, in front of Uncle Karl and everyone. The seller of the building, otherwise known as "cruel cruel mommy", has yet to respond.
Edgewater

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Seller Stages Home to Attract Those People

The seller of this converted Ukrainian Village storefront was adamant she appeal to those people, you know, she squawked, the ones who get it. Ninety-four days later, nobody seems to get it, except those that aren't permitted to buy the property due to a school across the street.
Ukrainian Village

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Landlord Solves Triplets' Breastfeeding Issues

The tenant of this Humboldt Park four flat was having difficulty holding down a job while also striving to breastfeed her triplet girls until the landlord presented her with another one of his crazy Eddy solutions, this one guaranteed to feed "the whole litter at once." Shortly after the appearance of 'miracle mommy in the sky', more limb shaped protrusions began to descend throughout the building until crazy Eddy realized he couldn't feed the whole place, and decided to sell.
Humboldt Park

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Afghan Immigrant Struggling with Native Rugs

Despite growing up among the world's most sought after floor coverings, this Edgewater resident left his native Afghanistan for the rich and luxurious world of American synthetic fibers where it was decided that he would turn his bungalow's basement into the personalized intimate rug emporium he felt Chicago needed. Several floods later, and harboring a carpet collection he deemed, "so very ugly that my people are not even to let their animals go bathroom on it", the salesman exclaimed, "I am finish carpet. I am finish basement. I am go wood floor for condo. Maybe have some granite and steel kitchen. This is the good American life."
Edgewater