Friday, April 24, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Size still matters. That is the hard lesson a deflated DISH TV was feeling in West Town during an Open House this past Sunday. Buyers and their realtors were pouring into the backyard, a normally lackluster experience in Chicago, raving about "how big it is", and "oh my, I haven't seen one that big since college", and the often repeated, "they probably won't be leaving that".
Monday, April 6, 2015
Enchanted by 1950's and 1980's decor, a very young and hip Logan Square couple knew they found their dream house when they came across this Tiki jacuzzi tub in the master suite. As their realtor pointed out the likely defects in the heating and plumbing system, along with the large foundation wall cracks, the buyers continued talking about the huge Mai-Tai bath parties they were going to have before exclaiming they were ready to offer.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
A Logan Square father, hockey fanatic, and home seller has promised all interested parties including but not limited to his dear children and extremely irate wife, that he will not attempt to build an ice rink in their future basement. He has suggested that perhaps the new home might have space for an indoor pool.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
The kitchen countertops weren't right. And the tile in the bathroom was too big. And those earth tones on the wall were just terrible. Some plebeians would attempt a moderate renovation, or god forbid, live with it. But among the new elite class that are flocking to Chicago's Andersonville neighborhood, status has become defined by how recently your home was built.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Avondale is Chicago's next hot neighborhood, and realtors have been relentlessly pursuing owners to sell their poorly maintained frame homes. But on a recent Sunday afternoon, one homeowner, irate and shirtless in January, was seen screaming from his front porch, "I refuse to sell my home of twenty-three years just so some website designing smartphone brat can live in walking distance to a twenty dollar cocktail. How much you think I can get? WHAT??? You guys all suck! Why don't you bother my neighbor, she's invisible so you might have better luck. JAG!!!"
Monday, January 12, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Declaring that "Roscoe Village is done!", a collective of rarely seen Beanie Babies have decided to sell their quaint Roscoe Village house. "You know, we like moved here twenty plus years ago. Back then we were the only babies around. Now, babies are everywhere." Asked where to next, the group was split with older babies crying, "cities are nothin' more than overpriced boutiques and slums. We're going to get a farm in Indiana, plenty of shelf space there." But the younger ones simply said, "southside, baby."
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
An Edgewater garage, proud to be a member of the famed Balmoral alley, has decided to offset the premature Polar Vortex by allowing neighborhood rodents, vermin and other feral strays to lodge beneath her warm rafters.
When asked about the potential problems that might be caused for the home's sellers, the garage quickly responded, "Look, these buyers today don't care about us. My friends down the alley already warned me. The real estate agent says, 'do you want to see the garage', and they are like, 'no, that's ok. it's just a garage'. Just a garage! Well, I'll show them. Let's see what they think of my little betting parlor here, Rats vs. Cat. Already got a reality tv show calling." Edgewater
Thursday, November 6, 2014
With Green Homes and Green Design being such desirable traits, sellers are looking for all possible angles to highlight their property's green features. And buyers continue to look for visibly symbolic ways to offset their SUVs and triple head rain showers. Welcome the highly ornate, yet affordable, organic garden gutter, a new feature to the Chicago housing landscape, guaranteed to attract native wildlife while only allowing for gradual sustained water damage.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Friday, September 12, 2014
The seller of this Logan Square three flat was unable to resist increasing home prices in his neighborhood, and finally accepted an offer, confiding in his neighbors that, "it has been nice to provide affordable rents and all, but this is an incredible offer, and to just tear it down, can you believe it?". The shocked neighbor quickly responded, "Does this mean Jerry is moving from downstairs? We really enjoyed his bathing routine."
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
And waiting for September so he can run free and let the uptight Virgo take over house greeting duties.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Andersonville residents will tolerate a lot. But not when it comes to plant abuse. Someone or something has been targeting plants located on the parkway, sometimes known legally as Property of the City of Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Homeowners are being urged to electrocute their parkways (aka 'the swale'), but some home buyers feel that things may never turn around, instead opting for the suburbs, where the lack of parkways and sidewalks ensure a dog will never need a walk and a resident can happily drive to their neighbor's place.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Refusing to waste thousands on a Realtor, a local Ravenswood homeowner figured it couldn't be that hard to sell a home. After all, he reasoned, he'd sold plenty on Craigslist. So he boarded up the broken windows, left the broken tree limbs to cover them up, grabbed some flags from a nearby Street festival dumpster, and put up a For Sale sign previously used on his 93' Camry LE.
As of press time, a Realtor sign had been spotted along with shinier flags and pictures of the seller's agent covering the plywood windows.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Friday, May 16, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
The In-Law apartment included with this Uptown multi-family building was touted as 'Euro style', and only when the buyer saw the toilet paper next to the kitchen sink did he fully understand the centuries old driving force behind U.S. immigration.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
A progressive pair of Chicago Northsiders, attempting to move to an area of Chicago they could afford to own, has felt intimidated to place a low offer on an overpriced Jefferson Park two flat. Following the showing, the husband whined, "Look sweetie, you know how these people are, we should just pay him what he wants. Interest rates are so low it doesn't matter. I just, you know, I can't buy a gun. I just can't."
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Thursday, April 10, 2014
A boy who is not considered good filed a complaint against the realtor and seller of this Ravenswood Manor home for failure to provide literature or other knowledge based forms of learning that would enlighten potential buyers to the complexities of misbehaved boys. The seller quickly issued a public statement claiming, "we used to have those too, but after the divorce, my husband took them."
Thursday, April 3, 2014
In an effort to fuse their quest for Asian level test scores and Scandinavian levels of happiness, Chicago parents are demanding homes sold with Time Out Caves in order to better prepare their children for 21st century success. Children have greeted the latest Chicago home fashion trend warmly, with one Northside brat telling reporters, "beats those stupid Suzuki piano lessons and quiet time yoga with my dumb stupid sister."
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
The Swans had no idea. They had been residing blissfully in the master ensuite, an adoring owner who thanked them repeatedly for his fortunes. Then their master left the bathroom television on by accident one day. The swans were furious. How dare their captor use a lowly duck to solicit the masses. An attempted drowning followed, then a quick call to a realtor, and now a battery executive is rumored to be the new buyer.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Selling a home in Hyde Park requires just the right mix of eccentricity to appeal to the neighborhood's notoriously unique reputation. And this family's children, rumored to be friends with the Obama girls, has taken to wearing their favorite furs to sell their childhood Victorian home. As an added bonus, the girls are offering buyers their famed Broccoli Brats at this weekend's open house.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The listing agent of this Lincoln Square three flat assured all prospective buyers that the rare collection of assorted Pop icon Barbie dolls could be included in the sale price of the home, not to worry. However, she was unable to assure anybody if the roof was still leaking, or the basement remained dry, or the electric was updated, or that anything in the house worked at all.