Squirrel Refused to Honor Dibs

Attending an open house in Andersonville this weekend proved dangerous for an out of town squirrel. The visiting rodent was interested in seeing the spacious attic potential homebuyers had been talking about but was unable to find parking on the street due to the proliferation of discarded lawn furniture residents were using to claim public parking spaces. The attic squatting varmint was unaware that fifteen minutes of shoveling entitled a shoveler to indefinite ownership over said area despite the fact that her people have long practiced a similar claim after boring holes below a roofline. The last time a witness spotted the garden tormentor alive was when she discreetly placed the dibs items on the parkway. Services are being held at nearby Keim Furs.
Andersonville

Parents Demanding Time Out Caves in 2014

In an effort to fuse their quest for Asian level test scores and Scandinavian levels of happiness, Chicago parents are demanding homes sold with Time Out Caves in order to better prepare their children for 21st century success. Children have greeted the latest Chicago home fashion trend warmly, with one Northside brat telling reporters, "beats those stupid Suzuki piano lessons and quiet time yoga with my dumb stupid sister."
Lakeview

Rosemarie's Baby Found in Northside Attic

Hoping that a duplex up could salvage this tiny Albany Park two flat, an adventurous pair of buyers journeyed up into the attic. Upon hearing the screams of doom, both realtors and the seller utilized their recently obtained concealed weapon permits to bravely enter up the hatch. After a few erroneous shots, the seller started laughing, and calmly told the shivering buyers, "Ahh, that's what you hollering about, that's just the spawn of Satan. He's harmless".
Albany Park

Sheepish Buyer Admits He Likes It

After weeks of walking through vintage two flats with their ornate wood trim, and perfectly worn hardwood floors, and then a new round of searching 1920's bungalows with their huge barren attics and stained glass windows, this home buyer looked up and meekly blurted, "that, over there, maybe we should just see that thing. It, it, uh, might be kind of cool."
Ukrainian Village

Dead Linoleum Salesman Leaves Treasure

Prospective buyers to this Lincoln Square bungalow were treated to an awesome display of mid to late 20th century vinyl flooring. Available immediately were 1955's famed sunburst yellow herringbone design and 1973's notorious Serpico Brown.
Lincoln Square

Dumbbell Asked To Do Something For Once

An abandoned dumbbell was asked to pull it's weight after freeloading in this Bucktown attic for the last half century. Dumbbell has been asking if he's free to go yet.
BUCKTOWN