Couple Loses Baby During Open House

"Have you seen my baby?" These were the frantic words pleaded by a couple at an Open House in Humboldt Park this weekend. The buyers were hoping to get a great deal on a two flat that they could convert into a single family home, but one of the families, who was at risk of losing their affordable apartment, decided that prayer over the little one might engender feelings of empathy from the child's parents. When the child was finally discovered by the distraught couple, they admonished the praying renters by loudly exclaiming, "we were going to give you people a full thirty days notice to vacate and allow you to have our moving boxes too, but not anymore!"
Humboldt Park

Large Open House Turnout Surprises Seller

A local realtor was surprisingly honest when he told his Lincoln Square seller that the only reason he would host an open house would be to find new buyers. But the line to get in the bathroom went out the front door. When the seller came home and asked one of the many fashionable people in line why she didn't want to see the rest of the house, the girl in line exclaimed, "well, you know, we heard there was some good stuff in the bathroom, but we just heard on Twitter that they ran out, so we brought our own."
Lincoln Square

Seller Assumes Nobody Will Notice

The seller of this outdated Bucktown worker's cottage knew his lack of windows would turn off potential buyers. So he did what any native Chicagoan would do, and installed a beautiful bay window, directly on top of a five foot mound of snow. "At least he used a level," muttered one prospective buyer.
Bucktown

Wall-less Bathrooms a Hit in Chicago

In the constant battle to stay ahead of the crowd, contractors have been introducing a design concept not yet seen in Chicago: a truly open bathroom. Cutting edge builders are citing the rise in open kitchens as their inspiration. One prominent Chicago developer stated, "hey, in mom's generation nobody wanted to see you cook, so who am I to say that among these millinelly, or whatever they are, buyers they don't wants to be in the shower and watch the kiddos play."
Andersonville

Mysterious Banking Cabal Unveiled

Since the 2007-2008 housing and banking crash, investigators have been entrenched in a worldwide hunt to uncover the notorious yet unknown cabal responsible for the gross misconduct dealt to the American financial system. At approximately 17:00 hours this past Friday, the cartel was discovered lounging in the basement of a Jefferson Park estate sale. When pressed for answers to their egregious behavior, the bearded one radiating light laughed, then serenely pronounced, "y'all loved it while it lasted. 'nother brewski please."
Jefferson Park

Wife's Visualization Not Always an Asset

She has spent the last two months helping her husband understand how dilapidated foreclosed kitchens can transform into their dream kombucha brewing pizza baking oasis, and gone through elaborate pantomime to demonstrate how an outdated smoke stained living room can become the mid-century masterpiece they have dreamed so long about.

Now, this rabid visualizer is having to confront her own lethal skills, which she carefully whispered to her sympathetic buyer's agent, "I saw us getting ready for work in the morning. He was on the toilet and I was brushing my teeth, when I looked up in the mirror and our eyes made contact, the Tom's organic mint sprayed across the vanity. It was frightening. We have to go."
Lincoln Square

Sinkwashers Boosting Lincoln Park Prices

In an effort to increase rent, and not turn off would-be renters in one of Chicago's toniest neighborhoods, the owner of this Lincoln Park three flat has transformed his sink cabinet with a used dishwasher panel. When asked about potential tenants feeling deceived by his non-functioning dishwasher, the three flat owner tersely remarked, "I not do such thing. You not know nothing the dishwash! I am leave open drain pipe. Renter only putting dish in dishwash, then open water, and he wash dish, then take dish from dishwash CLEAN. This is dishwasher, yes? Yes, this is dishwash."
LINCOLN PARK

Hugh Hefner's Original Club For Sale

Chicago's original Playboy club, started by Mr. Hefner in the second grade, is finally available for purchase, even including some of Hugh's earliest literature. Buyers will only be shown the famed grotto after they sign a waiver stating that if they disappear, the seller is not responsible.
AVONDALE

Embarrassed Potty Makers Elated & Relieved

Legions of embarrassed potty makers, especially those looking to purchase potty maker friendly houses in the City of Chicago, have taken to social media to express their gratitude to the growing number of home sellers and developers who recognize the often forgotten community of home buyers suffering from Potty Making Syndrome.

For years, these home buyers, and others, have had to waste countless gallons of water and innumerable excuses to convince passers by that the potty making machine was not in use. Now, with the help of Victorian furniture, born in an era when people understood the perils of potty making, potty making outfitters have introduced the perfect potty making foil allowing users to simply leave the door open while they enjoy their magazine with a spot of tea.
Lakeview

New Owner Opts to Shower in Sink

After spending several months searching for a historically accurate Lincoln Park home, the new owner has spent every morning of his first week of residence staring at his showers before giving up and retreating to the sink basin. Sources claim that he is hopeful that next week will bring better luck.
Lincoln Park

Limbless Man Asked to Protect Floppy Disks

The owner of this West Town multi-unit was unable to continue occupying his near West Side building due to an unfortunate circumstance which consisted of his inability to stop thinking about how much easier life would be in Arizona. Upon absconding from his Chicago brick pit, he asked his good friend, whom he'd met in a World Market, if he would watch over his valuable Commodore 64 computer and stack of confidential floppy disks.
West Town

Seller Impresses With Amazing City View

The seller of this historic Little Italy rowhouse spent the entire house tour extolling the magnificent panoramic city views that his rooftop deck afforded. Once the group of potential buyers arrived on the legendary roof, one disrespectful attendee questioned, "which way is the city? I can't see anything." A clearly surprised owner quickly replied, "That place, over there, you see it, that one building. That's downtown, baby, downtown Chi-town!"
Little Italy

Portage Park Pee Pee Peeves Purchaser

After a splendid tour of this Portage Park bungalow, the would-be buyer was already imagining her living room furniture in the crown molding stained glass living room, until she had to excuse herself for the restroom. Upon returning, she freaked out that the seller had the audacity to chart her pee pee. "I haven't eat asparagus in days," she cried.
Portage Park

New Year Vow Shields TV from Cruel World

In an effort to protect the only possession he owns outright, the seller of this Edgewater vintage single family home promised his 61" plasma television that it would no longer be forced to witness the stream of buyers that have spent the past year walking in front of it, grumbling about how they refused to pay 2006 prices for a neglected home that hasn't been updated since the first Mayor Daley was in office.
Edgewater

Cable Keeps Clothes Dry & Supports Building

A Wicker Park family faced a dilemma with their two flat: they wanted to Go Green for their lovely son yet not spend money. So instead of replacing their broken dryer or destroying their crumbling rear porch, they devised a solution to make natural fabric dryers and indoor zipliners jealous. Surprisingly, the family has abandoned the property.
Wicker Park

RePurpose ChildProofing Not Serving Purpose

A Logan Square couple, enthusiastic about their recent success in repurposing old truck tires into a patio table thought they would use their new found artistic frugality to prevent their three year old child from falling over the low porch railing. Oddly, and perhaps fortunately, it was the couple's inebriated friend Jimbo who took the sixteen foot plunge rather than the little one.
Logan Square

DIY and OMG Forming Partnership

A Lakeview homeowner came home one inebriated afternoon from Wrigley and decided to renovate her shower. The Ku-Ku Cubbie decided to work straight through the evening before eventually passing out on the bathroom floor. She was awoken from her roommate, apparently unable to figure out how to use the new shower, who sent a alarm ringing text message,"WTF!"
Lakeview

Nostalgia Growing for Bush in Chicago

After a year of failed attempts by their elected leader to plunder the Unions, some Chicagoans are missing their favorite anti-proletariat politician of the last decade.
Little Italy

Seller Blames Virgin on His Short Sale

A despondent seller of a Bridgeport two flat, and former patron of St. Mary's Church, blamed the misguided advice he received from Mother Mary on the excessive home equity loans he took out on his family's historic compound that have led to his unwanted short sale situation.
BRIDGEPORT

Fervent Democrat Accepts New Bathroom

After years as a "green" girl, with green linens, and green dresses and a crush on Nader, and even a green car, the buyer of this Logan Square bungalow has decided that her unyielding support for the Democratic party should extend to the bathroom. She told this to all who would listen after receiving the $12,000 bill to completely remodel it.
Logan Square