Tenants Struggle with Psycho Remake

The seller of this Wicker Park 3 flat assured buyers that they would not be harmed in the making of his tenants 'little movie thing'. The seller, or "that cheap bastard in the basement" as he's referred to by his upstairs neighbors, has been renting to the artist community since the Great Wicker Park Artist Migration of the late 1980's. As buildings were gut renovated or torn down, that cheap bastard in the basement decided he'd rather keep his home and his loyal tenants than update his building. Considered one of the last great hold-outs of the 'old' Wicker Park, the seller told buyers he could have made a 'mint' years ago when values skyrocketed but was committed to the neighborhood until property taxes became unsustainable. "Why are these clowns at the county saying my building is worth a million dollars. I didn't pay anything near that for this place and shouldn't have to pay a tax based on that. Plus, they closed the Double Door. That was it."
Wicker Park

This Schmuck can Sell

Schmucks have been maligned throughout their unfortunate history. What is seldom discussed is that some schmucks make a really good cabinet, the kind that makes one resent purchasing trendy IKEA cabinets which were likely built to service the greater schmuck population.

At an open house for this Andersonville home, buyers seemed unimpressed by the knock-off mid-century furnishings or over-done crown moulding, but they were positively giddy with excitement when they gazed upon the beauty of a genuine hard wood Schmuck cabinet. Many realtors will tell you that great kitchens sell a home. But what they don't often mention, is that a great schmuck can sell it as well.
Andersonville

Summer Heat Causes ICE Problems

A Logan Square homeowner frustrated that nobody would buy her home has decided 'For Sale' signs are a complete waste in a buying culture that relies solely on online access. In an effort to attract buyers to acknowledge the existence of her lovely vintage yet modern home, she has turned to large handmade boards expressing puzzling non-sequitur phrases. Similar to Open Houses, people are now stopping there, but they still aren't buying, and seem quite upset that nobody is providing them with cookies.
Logan Square

Attics: Creepy & Fun

It has become common knowledge, at least among Chicago home shoppers, that attics make ideal places for teenagers to experiment with mind alternating substances, fathers to yearn for their ancestral caves, wives to store the decomposing corpses of their missing in-laws, and poltergeists to roam free. But what is seldom discussed in real estate, or housing as it is known to some, is that attics make really kick-a$$ spaces to bring some light into an otherwise dark room, provide additional headroom, and simply offer a place for the phantasms to nest in the forgotten vegetation of the unreachable ceiling.
Logan Square

Evanston Decides to Support More Colors

Chicago's neighboring borough to the north has long been described as colorful, an accepting place where Benetton was not merely an ad, but rather a way of living. It's a city-state-township that showcases it's Purple Lines in equal proportion to it's Black Matters. In a continued effort to demonstrate it's prowess at reaching beyond ROY G BIV, Evanston is now welcoming the Browns. And as in many things Evanstonian, this color must abide by a stringent set of rules or risk dismissal from the NIMBY Kingdom.
Evanston(where else)

Trump Supporters Protest Open House

Open Houses are not much different than politics - they make the seller think there is a lot of interest in their home, and hence their 'representative' is doing a great job, when in fact they are a conduit to allow a multitude of unrepresented buyers an introduction to their potential new representative, the 'hard working' open house host. But when the freshman house rep chooses the emblem of southern invaders to lure his unsuspecting constituents, he probably forgot that the far northwest side of Chicago is a stronghold of the MAGA RED. Several protesters were seen lurking around following the demonstration, hoping for an opportunity to get a little Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. One protestor, barely able to speak as a volcano of cheesy substance splooged from his mouth, mumbled, "what...doritos belong to us!"
Avondale

Stolen Fresco the Highlight of Open House

Buyers were not interested in the Jewel cookies or poorly staged bedrooms of this Rogers Park historic bungalow, but they all agreed on thing - that 'art thing' over the living room windows was 'really f*&king cool'. When told by the listing agent that the really f*&king cool art thing was not included in the sale, potential buyers were outraged, stating it was the 'only thing in the house of any value'. The realtor apologized profusely, then offered extra cookies to anybody willing to write an offer right there and then. One rather large gentleman wrote an offer, took his free box of cookies, and left. Upon reviewing the offer, the listing agent muttered a bit too loudly, "I f*&king hate open houses."
Rogers Park

Spurned Seller Ruins the Halloween Spirit

A Bowmanville homeowner dismayed at the high prices buyers are paying for homes in his neighborhood decided to offend loyalists of America's largest two political parties mistakenly assuming said leaders and their adherents were the cause for the removal of affordable housing stock in this newly desirable enclave hidden between Lincoln Square and Andersonville. It was later revealed that the true reason the sourpuss could not simply stick upside down witches' legs in his yard like everybody else was due to the fact that no buyer would pay him the Redfin estimate for his home.
Bowmanville

Mujahideen Cafe Opens in Albany Park

Chicago's Albany Park neighborhood is known for it's wide array of inexpensive and delicious international eateries. However, the rising cost of Northside real estate has forced some enterprising restaurateurs into the city's burgeoning micro-restaurant scene, known colloquially as "eating at somebody's house". The latest underground hotspot to avoid the marauding onslaught of Yelp reviewers is the trendy 3368, serving up tasty delicacies from the caves of Afghanistan and select Pakistani compounds. Those fortunate enough to have dined at 3368 caution against the erratic hours and mercurial owner residing in the basement cellar.
Albany Park

DON'T TEAR DOWN THAT GARAGE!

The Convertible Garage business is booming. In Chicago, garages are generally poorly constructed frame structures left to rot until they collapse, or endure the wrath of a certain spouse who possesses supernatural abilities to foresee impending death. An enterprising Northside entrepreneur did what Amercians do best - find a need for something useless and promote it until it's needed. Soon, he discovered a segment of collapsing garage owners who craved room for their favorite sports but Chicago's small backyards were unable to accommodate.

So they began offering Rink-Rages, HalfCourt-Rages, and Raquetball-Rages. When the proprietor was confronted about the anger he was infusing into his products in an era of the Anti-Bully, the press were told "well, I can't do the phonetic 'Raj" or I would have to deal with the Anti-Colonial British Empire hating crowd, and they have far more Instagram followers." The same Mahatma devotee was told his business had no place in Logan Square due to the hipster dismissal of sports as "too bro." Reporters were then told, "Logan is now Brogan, and all the hipsters have left for run-down mid-century homes in Northern Indiana."
Logan Square

Carpet is Back

Since Nancy Reagan's brutal War on Carpets decimated the furry flooring business, rugrats throughout the Basement Nation have been clamoring for it's return, joining various occult forces to expedite the demise of the public's soulless hardwood floor addiction. And they appear to be winning. winning. Realtors have long been this great country's arbiter of what a homeowner needs to be fulfilled, and Chicago real estate agents are infamous for taking a leading role, whether it be in redlining or blockbusting, granite or waterbeds, you can count on your local realtor to assure the Joneses are never too far ahead. Upon viewing this Lakeview single family home, the buyers remarked, "Who the f*#k wants carpet. We're outta here."
Lakeview

Jay-Z Reminds Male Buyers to Ask Wife First

A friend of Jay-Z's old neighbor's cousin's ex-girlfriend's brother-in-law wanted perspective buyers of his Lincoln Square three flat to know that all offers would require an extended period of time for a response as he'll need to wait for certain outside advice on how to counter.
Lincoln Square

Swings Have No Home Here

Rogers Park is a Chicago neighborhood known for it's social activism, but some resident activists have felt defeated in their battle to solve lives that matter, homes that hate, and presidents that really suck. So they have organized to support an entity that residents of all beliefs and political parties can stand behind. Literally. Local activists are feeling good about their efforts, but remaining cautiously optimistic, stating "we are starting to hear about certain families being divided, often with one sibling refusing to swing." The spokesperson continued to tell the only reporter present, "people think this is about raising our home values, which would be nice, and I wouldn't complain, cause you know, our price is still down from the 2007 peak, but this is really about supporting our local swings. How much do you think I could get for my place?"
Rogers Park

An Agent & A Drone Meet in a Bar

Realtors are constantly trying to make themselves stand out in a profession surrounded by so many that are The Best, The Most Trustworthy, The Most Reliable, Top Rated, Best Looking Photo to Snuggle Against on a Bus Bench, etc. So, one Chicago agent has decided that buyers and sellers are finally ready for some honesty by advertising what they actually do, but a recent client was unwilling to vouch for his forthright real estate professional, exclaiming, "this is typical of the bums in this industry. I thought they were going to fly one of those little planes over my home cause I hear the people buying home now only buy if they get home photos from sky. They lie. The all lie!" The honest yet confused drone agent responded, "Why would he want me to provide expensive photos that are free to everybody in Google Maps. I spent so much time talking at him but I guess he didn't listen."
Ravenswood

Whack-A-Mole Glory Hole a Big Hit

The basement bar has long been a staple of the American Home, a place where returning World War II soldiers could experience the brotherhood they left behind on the shores of Normandy or hills of Iwo Jima. And from one military conflict to another, the American basement bar prevailed until the Clinton years when a lack of foreign interventions and boy band mania led to the deconstruction of these icons of patriotism. Now, after fifteen years of glorious international combat, Chicago is leading the way with it's post-modern basement bar tribute - a true sanctuary where patrons can experience the pleasures of subterranean prestige. Buyers of this Avondale home have been leaving in a hushed awe, swept away with wonder at the promise of something beyond the imagination.
Avondale

Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy

A rigorous Montessori program has allowed a local Humboldt Park toddler to build an elevated toilet so that her father could rest like a king when he tells her, "Daddy's busy now, go ask your mother". The same coveted preschool program is introducing an entire curriculum based around the crafting of space 'to honor those who love you.' It was stressed during class that the 'potty palace' could be for either parent much as the re-purposed Swedish massage room featuring exchange teacher/au pair Magnus on select evenings. After the construction of the second project, this featured home is now for sale.
Humboldt Park

Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

A buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous.
Mayfair

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak.
Irving Park

Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years.
Andersonville

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

In an effort to appeal to the small but growing number of home buyers who are appalled at the rapidly disintegrating conditions of the nearly endangered Midwestern dust mite, the seller of this Bronzeville rowhome enlisted the professional expertise of neighborhood carpet salvagers to create a rug so luxuriantly beautiful that dust mites would no longer have to be concerned with their eradication at the hands of hardwood floor elitists who have exhibited a wholesale philistinism toward the rights and habitat of our most beloved allergens.
Bronzeville