Stolen Fresco the Highlight of Open House

Buyers were not interested in the Jewel cookies or poorly staged bedrooms of this Rogers Park historic bungalow, but they all agreed on thing - that 'art thing' over the living room windows was 'really f*&king cool'. When told by the listing agent that the really f*&king cool art thing was not included in the sale, potential buyers were outraged, stating it was the 'only thing in the house of any value'. The realtor apologized profusely, then offered extra cookies to anybody willing to write an offer right there and then. One rather large gentleman wrote an offer, took his free box of cookies, and left. Upon reviewing the offer, the listing agent muttered a bit too loudly, "I f*&king hate open houses."
Rogers Park

Open House a bit too Open

The potential buyers of this pre-war Rogers Park home were so offended by the implication that they should 'get in bed' at an Open House that they finally enacted their destiny by taking their home search to lovely suburban Naperville, where the schools are better, the communities employ darling aspirational names, and neighbors simply request you place your keys in a bowl when coming to their 'special' nighttime parties, highlighting the social etiquette so desperately needed in Chicago.
Rogers Park

Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

A buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous.
Mayfair

It's a Lovely Home - Please Tear it Down

Bucktown once hosted one of Chicago's largest collections of worker's cottages, compact brick A-frame structures that were a precursor to the more well known 'bungalow', both providing an affordable version of the stand alone home so many apartment dwellers craved. Now these endangered monuments to architectural modesty act as charming totems reeling in neighborhood migrants with their "oh, isn't that home cute" looks only to serve as designer landfill for their future 5400 square foot hedge fund cottage, a wall-less box of namaste nastiness.

For those doubtful of the phenomenon, we shall look at the neighborhood's most current cottage to come to market, fully habitable and shown here, with the following listing headline, "Attractive Bucktown Cottage, followed by the captivating: Property has been in same family since 19th century , which was then buttressed with this pithy remark: Prime Bucktown lot for new construction.
Bucktown

Tile that Fell off Back of Truck Found

A citywide hunt to locate a large quantity of missing tile, intended for a graciously appointed new construction project, has been located on a historic home in Chicago's Ravenswood Manor neighborhood. Realtors have been indundating the owner with promises of a high sales price due to the rare opportunity to live among such ornate detail. Personal injury attorneys have joined their well liked brethren in soliciting the reclusive owner in hopes of securing the role of lead counsel in the impending case of, "Chicago v. The Porch that Maims."
Ravenswood Manor

Dead Hipster Reveals Shocking Truth

Home Inspectors and savvy realtors warn buyers to beware of the glitz. Check out the basement, they say, it's where you'll find the ugly truth.

Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man".
Logan Square

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park

Buyers Warned About Going Number 1

The elderly seller of this Albany Park bungalow could not understand why potential buyers (or grandchildren) of his family home kept urinating in the basement. Apparently, the owner didn't know that raccoons can't read.
Albany Park

Realtor Exhausted After Open House

An afternoon of saying, "welcome" and "please fill in the sign-in sheet" has left this Chicago realtor ready for nigh-nigh. Potential home buyers were confused by the agent's muffled vocabulary, but relieved to find his large bunny friend sleeping in the upstairs guest bedroom.
Portage Park

Realtors Monopoly Threatened by Post-Its

Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Portage Park

Tripping on Linoleum Intrigues Buyers

Buyers from throughout Chicago lined up to trip on linoleum at this rarely available craftsman bungalow in Edgewater. The listing agent advertised that "tripping on linoleum has never been so fun" but was surprised to see that her cutesy expression attracted so many disheveled people, adorned with infantile teddy bears and fish, who appeared incapable of owning a home.
Edgewater

Bad Boy Alleges Discrimination Against Seller

A boy who is not considered good filed a complaint against the realtor and seller of this Ravenswood Manor home for failure to provide literature or other knowledge based forms of learning that would enlighten potential buyers to the complexities of misbehaved boys. The seller quickly issued a public statement claiming, "we used to have those too, but after the divorce, my husband took them."
Ravenswood Manor

Buyers Given One Hour to Decide or else...

A young couple looking to buy their first home in the Edgewater neighborhood was locked in the basement and told to 'work it out'. After thirty-five minutes, the realtor briefly entered the cellar, told the buyers they only had twenty-five minutes remaining, and left them a cheese ball. After one hour, there was a loud noise, and a realtor spotted leaving with a half-eaten cheese ball.
Edgewater

Afghan Immigrant Struggling with Native Rugs

Despite growing up among the world's most sought after floor coverings, this Edgewater resident left his native Afghanistan for the rich and luxurious world of American synthetic fibers where it was decided that he would turn his bungalow's basement into the personalized intimate rug emporium he felt Chicago needed. Several floods later, and harboring a carpet collection he deemed, "so very ugly that my people are not even to let their animals go bathroom on it", the salesman exclaimed, "I am finish carpet. I am finish basement. I am go wood floor for condo. Maybe have some granite and steel kitchen. This is the good American life."
Edgewater

Alcoholic Discovers the Perfect Stairs

After weeks of looking at homes with perilous descents, this proud and mighty drinker was overcome with joy to encounter a basement stairway that would allow him to successfully slumber back up to bed after a night of basement boozing. The sellers of this Rogers Park bungalow even offered to throw in their safety harness for those extra special occasions.
Rogers Park

Gay Couple Excited to Paint House

The new buyers of this vintage North Park bungalow have been making plans to paint murals of Adam & Steve and The Three Kings starring Liberace on their cracking plaster walls after discovering a manual giving them step by step instructions.
North Park

Wife Insists Man's Cave Resemble Cave

A local Chicago woman, one half of the real estate duo attempting to sell their historic Portage Park bungalow, has told reporters that she refused to allow her husband to have his own bar, home theater system and pool table while she was relegated to the pantry. A mystified husband countered that the pantry had an extensive shelving system, a fold down ironing board and room for a stackable washer and dryer.
Portage Park

Flippers Touting Luxury Uitility Sinks

With the ubiquity of cherry cabinets, granite counters and Brazilian hardwood, investors rehabbing houses, commonly referred to by their maritime mammalian codename, "flipper", have sought out new ways to attract cutting edge home buyers. In this Mayfair bungalow, a flipper has marketed his 'reclaimed vintage' utility sink with high end Grohe shower faucet as a "must have item for those wanting the latest in utility sink fashion."
Mayfair

Couple Turns to Stone Waiting for Short Sale

Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Portage Park

Nostalgia Growing for Bush in Chicago

After a year of failed attempts by their elected leader to plunder the Unions, some Chicagoans are missing their favorite anti-proletariat politician of the last decade.
Little Italy