Couple Loses Baby During Open House

"Have you seen my baby?" These were the frantic words pleaded by a couple at an Open House in Humboldt Park this weekend. The buyers were hoping to get a great deal on a two flat that they could convert into a single family home, but one of the families, who was at risk of losing their affordable apartment, decided that prayer over the little one might engender feelings of empathy from the child's parents. When the child was finally discovered by the distraught couple, they admonished the praying renters by loudly exclaiming, "we were going to give you people a full thirty days notice to vacate and allow you to have our moving boxes too, but not anymore!"
Humboldt Park

Parents Demanding Time Out Caves in 2014

In an effort to fuse their quest for Asian level test scores and Scandinavian levels of happiness, Chicago parents are demanding homes sold with Time Out Caves in order to better prepare their children for 21st century success. Children have greeted the latest Chicago home fashion trend warmly, with one Northside brat telling reporters, "beats those stupid Suzuki piano lessons and quiet time yoga with my dumb stupid sister."
Lakeview

Buyers Given One Hour to Decide or else...

A young couple looking to buy their first home in the Edgewater neighborhood was locked in the basement and told to 'work it out'. After thirty-five minutes, the realtor briefly entered the cellar, told the buyers they only had twenty-five minutes remaining, and left them a cheese ball. After one hour, there was a loud noise, and a realtor spotted leaving with a half-eaten cheese ball.
Edgewater

Owner Markets Home to Kids Who Love Doors

In an effort to assist homebuyers in seeing past forty-three years of neglect, the owner of this Logan Square Victorian decided she would take a cue from Saturday morning cartoon advertisers and appeal to parents through their children, putting "Behind the Brown Door" on her flyers. The owner is currently debating between two offers, one in the form of a paper airplane, and the other in crayon.
Logan Square

Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Logan Square

Swingers Abandon Property

Apparently too much swinging can eventually lead to the same financial calamities that have affected other foreclosed homes. Potential buyers and even their realtors are now asked to sign a swinging waiver before entering a property that clarifies that any swinging they may do is at their own risk.
Sauganash

Little Girl Scared of HGTV

After hours of being forced to watch HGTV by her parents, who were desperately trying to sell their overpriced Ukrainian Village home, this adventurous young girl decided to hide above her ill-fitting clothes. She was overheard by a realtor whispering, "Have you seen my backpack or my monkey?"
Ukrainian Village

Sequester Affects North Center Post Office

As the median home prices in the North Center neighborhood of Chicago skyrocket, and the U.S. government sequester forces federal agencies to cut services or find other sources of revenue, the local North Center post office has announced that it will sell it's lucrative branch office to a developer who is turning the 9,300 square foot facility into a LEED certified luxury single family home for a middle aged couple and their small child.

Energetic and civic minded residents have recently unveiled their replacement post office, something they assure fellow residents will never be sold, unless, of course, Whole Foods is interested in opening an urban drive-thru.
North Center

Family Lion Prevents Bidding War

Lured by the rarely seen affordable price tag on this Bucktown single family home, several anxious couples packed the home's slightly dated quarters whispering in hushed tones about their plans to tear down, expand, blow-up, re-build and granite out this century old dwelling. Upon exiting the property, each of the buyers told their realtor how much to bid until they were rudely interrupted by the lion guarding the front door, who brusquely told them, "keep walking. you don't want this place." The lion is currently in negotiations to acquire the property.
Bucktown

Leaking Wall Provides Green Water Source

Placing her three year old pug's bowl in front of a constant leak allowed the seller of this Lincoln Square single family to get LEED certified for a her green watering practices. She is now in negotiations with a local green building consultant to install a direct vent toilet gutter that will permit her home's commodes to fertilize her native gardens below.

Lincoln Square

Owner Not So Sure About Open Kitchen

All of his friends were doing it, so the seller of this modern Lincoln Park single family home thought that was what he should do. He had already followed their advice on those pricey granite countertops, and even pricier stainless appliances. But within weeks of using his new open kitchen, he realized something wasn't right. "I would be, like, you know, trying to cook dinner, and my date would see that I wasn't cooking anything but just taking it all out of the Trader Joe's package. Didn't look very cool. So, I said, screw my friends, I'll put up a curtain, kinda like the hospital, so now, when my dates come over, I just pull the curtain closed. Now, that is something people should follow."
Lincoln Park

CHAMBER Helps Sell Tiny Bedrooms

Riding the surge of the micro seller's market sweeping certain parts of Chicago, some realtors are now referring to their Victorian twin size bedrooms as 'chambers' as in this crumbling late 19th century cottage branded as a "lovely piece of history with four splendid chambers". By this summer, local realtors hope to re-cast the utility room as a 'parlor' and the small kitchen pantry as a 'boudoir'.
Uptown

Hugh Hefner's Original Club For Sale

Chicago's original Playboy club, started by Mr. Hefner in the second grade, is finally available for purchase, even including some of Hugh's earliest literature. Buyers will only be shown the famed grotto after they sign a waiver stating that if they disappear, the seller is not responsible.
AVONDALE

Hard & Firm Snowman Scaring Buyers

Buyers have been reluctant to enter this Avondale single family home due to the imposing snow thing placed near the entry by an agent notorious for expressing his negotiation skills in various manners, including Autumn's previously erected stiff and rigid scarecrow, and last summer's impressively thick and imposing sand castle.
Avondale

For Sale Sign Replaced with Honest Signs

In a nascent effort to alter the perception of real estate as an industry that emulates the ethics of third world governments, a local Chicago real estate firm has decided to remove their lovely For Sale signs and the welcoming women who adorn them. In their place, signs directing the buyer to potential issues with the property have been installed. Buyers are even given a certified inspection report upon previewing the property to ensure they know exactly what they are bidding on.
Humboldt Park

RePurpose ChildProofing Not Serving Purpose

A Logan Square couple, enthusiastic about their recent success in repurposing old truck tires into a patio table thought they would use their new found artistic frugality to prevent their three year old child from falling over the low porch railing. Oddly, and perhaps fortunately, it was the couple's inebriated friend Jimbo who took the sixteen foot plunge rather than the little one.
Logan Square

Seller Displays Brains of His Children

In the continued quest of young American parents to highlight the exceptionalism of their little ones, a Lincoln Square couple has framed the above average sized brains of their two lovely children complemented by their equally above average size hearts. The estate sale also includes a rare coffee table constructed with the limbs of the family's beloved golden retriever, Gimpy.
Lincoln Square

Vegan Buyers Can't Find Seitan Button

A disappointed couple looking to buy their first home in Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood was distraught that the sellers didn't think to install an oven that would suit their dietary requirements. When the seller was asked how he could make such an egregious mistake, he calmly responded, "Go f&#* yourself."
Pilsen

Definition of 'Electronics' Causes Confusion

The seller of this Roscoe Village single family home was observed smiling in the corner, abiding by the rules of his timeout. Then, without warning, he gleefully blurted out, "my wife has all these rules, all these rules, but she's losing this one. I do one 'mean' thing, like call her 'thick' or something, and then I can't use the dishwasher, or call to tell her I'm running late, or fix the DVR. It's great. Every husband should be put on the Electronics Time Monitoring System"
Roscoe Village

Hinckley Springs Offers Green Water System

In renewed efforts to capture the lucrative 'green' market, Hinckley Springs has begun offering homeowners a unique water filtration service that turns their leaky roofs into that "delicious Hinckley Springs taste you've come to trust".
JEFFERSON PARK