This Schmuck can Sell

Schmucks have been maligned throughout their unfortunate history. What is seldom discussed is that some schmucks make a really good cabinet, the kind that makes one resent purchasing trendy IKEA cabinets which were likely built to service the greater schmuck population.

At an open house for this Andersonville home, buyers seemed unimpressed by the knock-off mid-century furnishings or over-done crown moulding, but they were positively giddy with excitement when they gazed upon the beauty of a genuine hard wood Schmuck cabinet. Many realtors will tell you that great kitchens sell a home. But what they don't often mention, is that a great schmuck can sell it as well.
Andersonville

Trump Supporters Protest Open House

Open Houses are not much different than politics - they make the seller think there is a lot of interest in their home, and hence their 'representative' is doing a great job, when in fact they are a conduit to allow a multitude of unrepresented buyers an introduction to their potential new representative, the 'hard working' open house host. But when the freshman house rep chooses the emblem of southern invaders to lure his unsuspecting constituents, he probably forgot that the far northwest side of Chicago is a stronghold of the MAGA RED. Several protesters were seen lurking around following the demonstration, hoping for an opportunity to get a little Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. One protestor, barely able to speak as a volcano of cheesy substance splooged from his mouth, mumbled, "what...doritos belong to us!"
Avondale

Squirrel Refused to Honor Dibs

Attending an open house in Andersonville this weekend proved dangerous for an out of town squirrel. The visiting rodent was interested in seeing the spacious attic potential homebuyers had been talking about but was unable to find parking on the street due to the proliferation of discarded lawn furniture residents were using to claim public parking spaces. The attic squatting varmint was unaware that fifteen minutes of shoveling entitled a shoveler to indefinite ownership over said area despite the fact that her people have long practiced a similar claim after boring holes below a roofline. The last time a witness spotted the garden tormentor alive was when she discreetly placed the dibs items on the parkway. Services are being held at nearby Keim Furs.
Andersonville

Whack-A-Mole Glory Hole a Big Hit

The basement bar has long been a staple of the American Home, a place where returning World War II soldiers could experience the brotherhood they left behind on the shores of Normandy or hills of Iwo Jima. And from one military conflict to another, the American basement bar prevailed until the Clinton years when a lack of foreign interventions and boy band mania led to the deconstruction of these icons of patriotism. Now, after fifteen years of glorious international combat, Chicago is leading the way with it's post-modern basement bar tribute - a true sanctuary where patrons can experience the pleasures of subterranean prestige. Buyers of this Avondale home have been leaving in a hushed awe, swept away with wonder at the promise of something beyond the imagination.
Avondale

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak.
Irving Park

Trump Supporters Offer Staging Services

A Bridgeport home seller with limited funds was desperately looking to modernize his aging two flat when he came across a new local start-up, Frumpy Trumpers, who convincingly assured prospective clients that they would make their home attractive to the right kind of buyer.
Bridgeport

Landlord Really Wants to Rent

When asked why he wouldn't lower the rent on his Andersonville storefront to allow a start-up business a short term lease rather than keep the space vacant for months, the seasoned owner replied, "I'd rather take the losses on my taxes." When asked further if he felt his empty storefront was a blight on the neighborhood, he responded bluntly, "f*#k blight", before continuing, "It's my building not the neighborhood's."
Andersonville