Couple Turns to Stone Waiting for Short Sale

Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Portage Park

Embarrassed Walls Melting in Protest

Suffering from the humiliation of it's curtain being forcefully removed by disgruntled tenants, this Albany Park shower has slowly begun the disintegration process. It has requested that anybody willing to save it consider those really neat glass mosaic tiles, otherwise please replace curtain immediately.
Albany Park

Charmin Introduces the "Multi-Ply"

Couples and families who have long disagreed over the thickness of their bathroom tissue paper can rest easy with Charmin's new Multi-Ply, advertised as "Use what you need, and they'll use what they need. Everyone's happy with Charmin's new Multi-ply."
RIVER NORTH

Renegade Jewish Stenciler Strikes Again

In a trend sweeping Chicago's foreclosures, low budget Jewish graffiti artists are decorating abandoned walls. Some speculate that this is actually an insidious strategy to deter the anti-semitic buying population from purchasing, and drive down prices. A spokesperson for the Jewish stencil gang allegedly claimed his group only uses blue Stars of David, and suggested concerned parties contact the local Satanist gangs who utilize the same star. When told there was no evidence of blood, Lucifer's spokesperson claimed, "nope, not ours. Check the Rastas." Still waiting for their response...
West Town

Couple Foreclosed On for Bad Taste

During a meeting with a Citibank loan officer regarding the possible restructuring of a Logan Square couple's mortgage, the bank official was overhead yelling, "Are you kidding me? You've got to be f#@k'n kidding me! The reason you haven't been able to sell your home in two and half years is because nobody wants to buy a rotting frame house with walls covered in fake gold paneling! But, can I interest you in a 0% transfer offer on our new CitiForeClosez credit card?"
Logan Square