This Schmuck can Sell

Schmucks have been maligned throughout their unfortunate history. What is seldom discussed is that some schmucks make a really good cabinet, the kind that makes one resent purchasing trendy IKEA cabinets which were likely built to service the greater schmuck population.

At an open house for this Andersonville home, buyers seemed unimpressed by the knock-off mid-century furnishings or over-done crown moulding, but they were positively giddy with excitement when they gazed upon the beauty of a genuine hard wood Schmuck cabinet. Many realtors will tell you that great kitchens sell a home. But what they don't often mention, is that a great schmuck can sell it as well.
Andersonville

Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge".
Portage Park

Buyer's Wife Threatens Castration & Divorce

An untreated addiction to home renovation shows compelled one Chicago home buyer to offer on this 'lovely home in need of some TLC.' Local castration professionals have cited a correlation between the rise in house remodeling programs and wait times for appointments.
West Town

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

In an effort to appeal to the small but growing number of home buyers who are appalled at the rapidly disintegrating conditions of the nearly endangered Midwestern dust mite, the seller of this Bronzeville rowhome enlisted the professional expertise of neighborhood carpet salvagers to create a rug so luxuriantly beautiful that dust mites would no longer have to be concerned with their eradication at the hands of hardwood floor elitists who have exhibited a wholesale philistinism toward the rights and habitat of our most beloved allergens.
Bronzeville

It's a Lovely Home - Please Tear it Down

Bucktown once hosted one of Chicago's largest collections of worker's cottages, compact brick A-frame structures that were a precursor to the more well known 'bungalow', both providing an affordable version of the stand alone home so many apartment dwellers craved. Now these endangered monuments to architectural modesty act as charming totems reeling in neighborhood migrants with their "oh, isn't that home cute" looks only to serve as designer landfill for their future 5400 square foot hedge fund cottage, a wall-less box of namaste nastiness.

For those doubtful of the phenomenon, we shall look at the neighborhood's most current cottage to come to market, fully habitable and shown here, with the following listing headline, "Attractive Bucktown Cottage, followed by the captivating: Property has been in same family since 19th century , which was then buttressed with this pithy remark: Prime Bucktown lot for new construction.
Bucktown

Buyer Prefers Newer New Construction

The kitchen countertops weren't right. And the tile in the bathroom was too big. And those earth tones on the wall were just terrible. Some plebeians would attempt a moderate renovation, or god forbid, live with it. But among the new elite class that are flocking to Chicago's Andersonville neighborhood, status has become defined by how recently your home was built.
Andersonville

Santa Disappointed with Chimney Renovation

Modern homeowners who have allowed the mason industry to fulfill their desires for 'taller than my neighbor' structures have started to irritate Chicago's most respected chimney sweep. Speaking to reporters during his busy season, the heavyset Union boss said, "This is it. I'm done after this year. I can't be expected to fit in there. I hear there are some Drones from the Amazon that charge less then me. Let them do it. Little people, I seen them. Illegals probably, gonna put me out of business. But I don't care. I'm moving to Mexico to live off my social security."
North Center

Logan Square Continues to Innovate

As Chicago's latest destination for the creative class, Logan Square has become a showplace for cutting edge design. One proud resident, who has decided to sell his two flat to move into a re-purposed Sub-Zero refrigerator box, showed off his ceiling surround sound, promising Sonic Youth "at a whole new level, man."
Logan Square

Who likes to Party?

Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Lincoln Square

Wall-less Bathrooms a Hit in Chicago

In the constant battle to stay ahead of the crowd, contractors have been introducing a design concept not yet seen in Chicago: a truly open bathroom. Cutting edge builders are citing the rise in open kitchens as their inspiration. One prominent Chicago developer stated, "hey, in mom's generation nobody wanted to see you cook, so who am I to say that among these millinelly, or whatever they are, buyers they don't wants to be in the shower and watch the kiddos play."
Andersonville

Federal Reserve Sells Penny to GE

Buyers of this still under renovation Lincoln Park two flat were surprised to find GE's newly released penny-light, which has promised users that the recent surge in Chinese toggle sales with not affect Americans' ability to use their lights because it's new switches have been specifically designed to turn on with your "now worthless pennies." Critics have complained of GE trying to capitalize on the popularity of Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln".
Lincoln Park

Owner Demonstrates Structural Integrity

The potential buyers of this Logan Square three flat were without words, but clearly satisfied, after the extremely confident owner demonstrated that the home's smaller than usual support posts were nothing to be concerned about. She also informed the buyers that she would be willing to perform the same tests during their home inspection, and if they were really interested, she could attempt a similar test at other properties for a nominal fee.
Logan Square

Owner Not So Sure About Open Kitchen

All of his friends were doing it, so the seller of this modern Lincoln Park single family home thought that was what he should do. He had already followed their advice on those pricey granite countertops, and even pricier stainless appliances. But within weeks of using his new open kitchen, he realized something wasn't right. "I would be, like, you know, trying to cook dinner, and my date would see that I wasn't cooking anything but just taking it all out of the Trader Joe's package. Didn't look very cool. So, I said, screw my friends, I'll put up a curtain, kinda like the hospital, so now, when my dates come over, I just pull the curtain closed. Now, that is something people should follow."
Lincoln Park

Hard & Firm Snowman Scaring Buyers

Buyers have been reluctant to enter this Avondale single family home due to the imposing snow thing placed near the entry by an agent notorious for expressing his negotiation skills in various manners, including Autumn's previously erected stiff and rigid scarecrow, and last summer's impressively thick and imposing sand castle.
Avondale

Cable Keeps Clothes Dry & Supports Building

A Wicker Park family faced a dilemma with their two flat: they wanted to Go Green for their lovely son yet not spend money. So instead of replacing their broken dryer or destroying their crumbling rear porch, they devised a solution to make natural fabric dryers and indoor zipliners jealous. Surprisingly, the family has abandoned the property.
Wicker Park

Nostalgia Growing for Bush in Chicago

After a year of failed attempts by their elected leader to plunder the Unions, some Chicagoans are missing their favorite anti-proletariat politician of the last decade.
Little Italy

Walls Oozing Ooze

A mysterious yellow substance was discovered in the rear porch of this Avondale two flat but the buyers were put at ease when told that the "walls only do that in winter, you'll hardly notice any come summer."
Avondale

Seller Gives Assurance that Everything is OK

The seller of this aging Pilsen storefront turned artist home and studio gave promising assurances that his unmaintained 123 year old building was "perfectly fine". He claimed the bathtub full of water was for his photo darkroom and the shaking floors were part of the home's charm.
Pilsen

Obama Math Initiatives Paying Off

Years of poor quality Chicago rehabs may be coming to an end. Recent evidence obtained from an Avondale brick two flat suggests that workers doing affordable renovation work, often with limited education and disputable residency status, have been taking advantage of government programs to ensure they have the necessary mathematical skills to compete in today's highly competitive and mathematical world.
AVONDALE

Plastic Bags are the New Subway Tiles

Tired of being like everybody else, some homeowners are forgoing the trendy subway wall tiles and even glass mosaics for a more eco-friendly aesthetic. One homeseller summed it up to the buyers of her Logan Square two flat as, "there are just too many plastic bags littering our streets, and not many people know they are waterproof, so why give money to those huge tile conglomerates, when we should all just re-cycle, re-use and re-shower."
Logan Square