Low Cost Realtor Keeps Delivering

In a real estate market this hot, simply discussing the sale of your home brings in offers. And the ever-so-clever real estate business has a plan for you. For a mere $6,950, they'll take a photo, click the upload button, leave a box on your door with keys to your home and for a limited time only, visit the property one time to post a professional SOLD sign.
Ravenswood

Couple Turns to Stone Waiting for Short Sale

Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Portage Park

Multiiple Offers Intoxicate Seller

Surprised that five different buyers wanted to pay more than she paid at the height of the Chicago real estate boom, an overjoyed seller spent the evening, and most of the next three days, sequestered in her non-functioning jacuzzi tub wondering where exactly she would move to.
River North

Sinkwashers Boosting Lincoln Park Prices

In an effort to increase rent, and not turn off would-be renters in one of Chicago's toniest neighborhoods, the owner of this Lincoln Park three flat has transformed his sink cabinet with a used dishwasher panel. When asked about potential tenants feeling deceived by his non-functioning dishwasher, the three flat owner tersely remarked, "I not do such thing. You not know nothing the dishwash! I am leave open drain pipe. Renter only putting dish in dishwash, then open water, and he wash dish, then take dish from dishwash CLEAN. This is dishwasher, yes? Yes, this is dishwash."
LINCOLN PARK

Carlton Sheets Acolyte Now Selling Herbalife

One foreclosed building owner, in Chicago's tony Roscoe Village neighborhood, blames his broken VCR for his inability to turn Guru Sheets sage advice into a Chicago real estate empire.

"I bought my first building here in late 2006, got some tenants, and started watching the second tape, "Using your new equity", when my stupid stupid VCR went. Gone! I spent a year trying to fix it, then said screw it, tried to sell, didn't know what I was doing wrong, and then decided to let the bank take it. But hey, it took them four years to foreclose, I still made some cash, and, uh,hey, you want to try this drink here. Really, it's awesome. You'll love it. Go ahead, take a sip..."
ROSCOE VILLAGE(building altered for legal reasons, tapes real)

Mysterious Electrical Fire Baffles Everyone

After accepting a contractor who not only offered the lowest bid, but assured the owners he could do work without a permit, a Pilsen family is still trying to discover why a fire erupted in their kitchen while microwaving dinner while blowdrying the children's hair while toasting some stale bread. PILSEN

Bank Forces Homeowner to Play William Tell

An investigator for a large national bank showed up at this Logan Square two flat last week, bearing a crossbow and painted the dreaded Burroughs Circle on the kitchen wall before asking the borrower to assume the position and verify one more time if he's actually been unemployed for three years or has chosen not to work and live rent free. The home appeared vacant upon inspection with the buyers noting the strong smell of "something rotting."
LOGAN SQUARE

Grout Lined Granite is All the Rage

Remodelers and Developers continue to set trends in housing by offering the one thing a buyer should care about: Quality Countertops. In their latest effort to offer the prospective homebuyer comfort and luxury, builders are altering the previous decade's demand for smooth granite with the more contrasting feel of grout lined granite, formerly known as TILE. And all this is available right now, for the same price as the less desirable grout free granite.
AVONDALE

ComEd Introduces Fahrenheit Plus

In it's continued efforts to get customers to cut their energy use, and reduce profits to shareholders, ComEd has recently introduced FahrenheitPlus, a revolutionary new temperature system that takes the emotional pain out of setting your thermostat to 74 degrees in the winter. Now, you can simply round up, call it '8' and enjoy the warmth.
BOWMANVILLE

Brick Union Now Known as Wallpaper Union

What's happened to Chicago's famed brick walls, a fixture in the city for over one hundred years? Some blame the rising popularity of the vomit face block used in many new construction dwellings, while others keep shouting, "It's the banks" or "It's cause of China." Union reps and Builders have all taken notice, and are now offering homeowners tuckpoint-free brick for interiors, promising easy sponge cleaning and a look just guaranteed to impress.
Bridgeport (where else?)