Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

A buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous.
Mayfair

Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge".
Portage Park

Local Bath Fan Spreads the Wealth

The seller of this Jefferson Park bungalow apparently misunderstood his wife when she asked him to install a bath fan to satisfy a buyer's home inspection report. When confronted by his spouse about what kind of idiot was he, the bathroom fan installer responded, "You ask bath fan. I put bath fan. Now smell very much hallway. I no understand the women."
Jefferson Park

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park

Realtor Exhausted After Open House

An afternoon of saying, "welcome" and "please fill in the sign-in sheet" has left this Chicago realtor ready for nigh-nigh. Potential home buyers were confused by the agent's muffled vocabulary, but relieved to find his large bunny friend sleeping in the upstairs guest bedroom.
Portage Park

Realtors Monopoly Threatened by Post-Its

Craigslist and Zillow have been scaring realtors for years that their practical monopoly of real estate sales was coming to an end. But that was nothing compared to the latest trend of DIY culture that has home sellers bypassing the internet and fast talking bluetooths altogether. Sellers of homes throughout Chicago have been spotted posting detailed descriptions of their properties. And to honor their hard work, they have refused to discount previously included commissions from their listing price, erroneously citing their right to eminent domain.
Portage Park

Liberal Couple Scared to Low-Ball

A progressive pair of Chicago Northsiders, attempting to move to an area of Chicago they could afford to own, has felt intimidated to place a low offer on an overpriced Jefferson Park two flat. Following the showing, the husband whined, "Look sweetie, you know how these people are, we should just pay him what he wants. Interest rates are so low it doesn't matter. I just, you know, I can't buy a gun. I just can't."
Jefferson Park

Wife Insists Man's Cave Resemble Cave

A local Chicago woman, one half of the real estate duo attempting to sell their historic Portage Park bungalow, has told reporters that she refused to allow her husband to have his own bar, home theater system and pool table while she was relegated to the pantry. A mystified husband countered that the pantry had an extensive shelving system, a fold down ironing board and room for a stackable washer and dryer.
Portage Park

Mysterious Banking Cabal Unveiled

Since the 2007-2008 housing and banking crash, investigators have been entrenched in a worldwide hunt to uncover the notorious yet unknown cabal responsible for the gross misconduct dealt to the American financial system. At approximately 17:00 hours this past Friday, the cartel was discovered lounging in the basement of a Jefferson Park estate sale. When pressed for answers to their egregious behavior, the bearded one radiating light laughed, then serenely pronounced, "y'all loved it while it lasted. 'nother brewski please."
Jefferson Park

Couple Turns to Stone Waiting for Short Sale

Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Portage Park

Portage Park Pee Pee Peeves Purchaser

After a splendid tour of this Portage Park bungalow, the would-be buyer was already imagining her living room furniture in the crown molding stained glass living room, until she had to excuse herself for the restroom. Upon returning, she freaked out that the seller had the audacity to chart her pee pee. "I haven't eat asparagus in days," she cried.
Portage Park

Just in Case

When the homeseller of this northwest side bungalow was asked why she had so many toilet paper rolls in their bathroom, she politely responded, "just in case." From the down the hall, an older man could be heard yelling, "cause she uses half a roll every time she goes in there!"
Mayfair

Seller Proud of AT&T Upgrade, Really Proud

The elderly seller of this Portage Park bungalow spent the better part of a minute promoting her spacious bathroom and the unique ability to make phone calls in there, something no other homes in the area could offer, she proclaimed.
Portage Park

Hinckley Springs Offers Green Water System

In renewed efforts to capture the lucrative 'green' market, Hinckley Springs has begun offering homeowners a unique water filtration service that turns their leaky roofs into that "delicious Hinckley Springs taste you've come to trust".
JEFFERSON PARK

Stairs to Nowhere Bill Finally Passes

After years of wrangling between lobbyists on both sides of the Stairs to Nowhere issue, Congress finally passed the controversial legislation which advocates hail as an important milestone in providing impoverished families with the physical embodiment "of a way out" that will in turn help jump start the economy, while opponents are decrying the passage as "just one more needless piece of welfare that handicaps it's recipients rather than setting them free." Local detractors in Chicago are already pointing out loopholes that allow for the hanging of personal clothing items which effectively close the Stairs to Nowhere.
Mayfair

Dutch Woman Last Seen on Roof

An elderly Dutch woman, alleged to be Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas, was last seen on her northwest side bungalow roof, attempting to complete her monthly moth ball distribution. Anyone who may have seen Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas should contact the Association for Lost Dutch Grandmothers making sure to note exact clog size.
PORTAGE PARK