Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Logan Square

Couple Turns to Stone Waiting for Short Sale

Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Portage Park

Family Goes Invisible During Showing

Unable to determine why nobody would purchase their modernist condo, a Boystown family decided to go invisible for their most recent showings in an effort to hear what buyers really thought of their home. "I didn't know androgynous albinos were mutes as well." seemed to be the most common observation.
Boystown - East Lakeview

Family Lion Prevents Bidding War

Lured by the rarely seen affordable price tag on this Bucktown single family home, several anxious couples packed the home's slightly dated quarters whispering in hushed tones about their plans to tear down, expand, blow-up, re-build and granite out this century old dwelling. Upon exiting the property, each of the buyers told their realtor how much to bid until they were rudely interrupted by the lion guarding the front door, who brusquely told them, "keep walking. you don't want this place." The lion is currently in negotiations to acquire the property.
Bucktown

Greek Goddess of Foreclosure Turns to Stone

In yet another positive sign that the Chicago housing market is beginning to rebound, housing analysts have cited the recent Andersonville appearance of the Greek Goddess of Foreclosure as a positive indicator of growth. One well known analyst from LaSalle Street summed up his findings to NPR, "Before, she was, you know, moving, laughing, mocking the homes she appeared in front of, but now, she has returned to stone and is beginning to wither just like she did back in the early 1940's. This is good news for the economy. You can count on it."
ANDERSONVILLE