Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years.
Andersonville

Who likes to Party?

Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Lincoln Square

Gaudí Disciples Fail

In a valiant effort to pay tribute to the Spanish surrealist architect Antonio Gaudí, the seller of these overpriced Andersonville new construction homes attempted to present classic American shake shingles in an 'updated' fashion as explained by the realtor, failing to mention that the new owner of these gaudy tinderboxes will inherit the tastes of an inebriated lego baby.
Bowmanville

Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Logan Square

Is Selling a Home like Fun or like a Chore?

Apparently neither. This might explain, why after seven unsuccessful months, this overpriced Lincoln Square two flat remains on the market.
Lincoln Square

Multiiple Offers Intoxicate Seller

Surprised that five different buyers wanted to pay more than she paid at the height of the Chicago real estate boom, an overjoyed seller spent the evening, and most of the next three days, sequestered in her non-functioning jacuzzi tub wondering where exactly she would move to.
River North

Free Cookies Didn't Work at Open House

Having failed to connive potential buyers with home baked cookies, a Ukrainian Village couple, proudly selling their severely overpriced brick three flat, has resorted to giving away free alcohol in an effort to blur buyers' ability to notice smallish bedrooms, an outdated kitchen, those three elongated cracks in the ceiling, and the strong odor of wet Labrador mixed with rotting Indian food.
Ukrainian Village

New Year Vow Shields TV from Cruel World

In an effort to protect the only possession he owns outright, the seller of this Edgewater vintage single family home promised his 61" plasma television that it would no longer be forced to witness the stream of buyers that have spent the past year walking in front of it, grumbling about how they refused to pay 2006 prices for a neglected home that hasn't been updated since the first Mayor Daley was in office.
Edgewater

Bi-Polar Seller Offers Conflicting Sales Pitch

The Seller of this Lincoln Square two flat has assured all buyers that they will absolutely love her restored 1920's brick building, that is, if they are even willing to knock on her front door.
Lincoln Square

Grilled Cheese Banned from Open House

A young vegetarian couple was rudely asked to leave an open house this weekend for eating a grilled gruyere on seven grain sourdough with free range fair trade mustard. As they protested, the seller barked, "How would it make you feel if someone grabbed your udders in an exploitative manner?" Still no response from the buyers.
WICKER PARK

Bed Toys Unite & Beg You to Buy Home

In a desperate attempt to relocate to a bedroom that will allow them more space, sleeping companions from very divided factions have united in their plea to passing buyers. A young Bart Simpson pleaded with a potential buyer, "If I have to spend one more night crammed in Dora's armpit I'm gonna go on a serious rampage. Would ya just buy the place already!" The bi-partisan toy camp seemed to have no comment on the faulty plumbing fixtures and excessive listing price.
Logan Square

Couple Foreclosed On for Bad Taste

During a meeting with a Citibank loan officer regarding the possible restructuring of a Logan Square couple's mortgage, the bank official was overhead yelling, "Are you kidding me? You've got to be f#@k'n kidding me! The reason you haven't been able to sell your home in two and half years is because nobody wants to buy a rotting frame house with walls covered in fake gold paneling! But, can I interest you in a 0% transfer offer on our new CitiForeClosez credit card?"
Logan Square