Brick Shortage Changing Chicago Architecture

The famous 'Chicago Pinks', the highly coveted brick used in the majority of the city's turn of the century buildings, are rapidly depleting due to a rapid rise of 'Chicawovilles' throughout China. Desperate bricklayers here in Chicago have been forced to construct walls as sparsely as possible. Meanwhile, the burgeoning middle class in China is enjoying 'Chicawo bwick' by building bathtubs and boxsprings out of our beloved fired pink clay.
WICKER PARK

Watching Neighbor Shower Got More Difficult

Residents of this quiet Portage Park street had spent generations watching first floor tenants utilize their extremely light filled bathroom. That all changed with the recent installation of this 'Chagall for Menard's' window. One stoop peeper put it this way, "Not a good day, use know? My gramps, and my pops, and me too, we spent so many hours here, learnin' bout, use know, uh, the human body. And now, how 'm I suppose to teach my boy about dat. Dese gentrify peoples be ruining Chicago."
PORTAGE PARK

Bungalow Not So Sure About Haircut

In an effort to keep up with his neighbors, this classic northwest side Chicago bungalow, who had been quite comfortable with his tasteful woodwork, sunny parlor, and roomy attic perfect for one of 'dem master suites that couples always dream about, started suffering from what housing psychologists deem 'roofline envy'.

Convinced by his caretakers that a massive second floor addition built from sophisticated modern stucco rather than peon's brick would allow the caretaker's one child to have the room necessary to grow up 'healthy', the historically confident bungalow underwent a 17 month makeover. It's gonna take while for it to grow out.
JEFFERSON PARK

New Owners Can't Figure Out Avant-Garde Stove

After purchasing what they assumed to be a 'one-of-a-kind' oven, the new owners of this Jefferson Park three flat were unable to find those things you put pots and pans on, you know, the things that get real hot. After suffering an evening of frustration and empty staring, they realized it had been years since they used a stove-top anyway, and went back to the microwave "cause you don't be needin' a flame for the micro honey."
JEFFERSON PARK

Sock Fairy is Getting Old

After years of depositing socks in faraway places, from Saturn to China, from deep inside the Earth's mantle to fast moving clouds, old age is catching up with the Sock Fairy, and she has pleaded with external sources to find a replacement. A recent Craigslist ad, located in the always difficult to interpret 'ETC.' section, stated "Are you energetic? Do you have an innate ability to do things without people knowing that you did it? Can you travel at the speed of light? Do you hate socks? Then we may have the job for you."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Climber Locked in Attic By Acrophobes

A young college graduate, forced to live in her parent's stinking boring flat midwestern home due to economic circumstances beyond her stinking control, has been quarantined to her family's attic where she has been plotting her route over K2, which she assures the potential buyers of her family's Lincoln Park mansion that she will summit as soon as her parents release her and somebody gives her a stinking job.
LINCOLN PARK

Fat People Forbidden From Washing Machine

During a 15 month South Beach Atkins Egg Salad Beetle Juice Diet, a Jefferson Park homeowner measured her weight loss by decreasing the amount of space she could use to access the washing machine. With re-built walls, washing is now limited to those under 100 pounds. But the Seller of this home swears it keeps her motivated. "If I put the weight back on, I'll have to live with dirty clothes and I just HATE dirty clothes!"
JEFFERSON PARK

Mold Artists Now in High Demand

After struggling for years to get discriminating homeowners to see the value of their work, Chicago mold artists are now witnessing a huge boom in their business as Sellers are no longer willing to pay for travertine tile and slate flooring.
JEFFERSON PARK

Alchoholic Owner Says Beer Isn't Alcohol

In a concerted effort to eliminate liquor from his daily diet, a local homeowner in Chicago's Mayfair neighborhood installed a beer faucet ("Old Style, whadja think I drink") in the family kitchen. After two years of forgetting to pay the mortgage, the bank decided it was left with no choice but to foreclose. The Owner is now submitting leniency papers to stall his foreclosure due to his recently diagnosed alcoholism. When asked by the bank's appraiser why he still had the beer tap, the owner said, "Dat ain't no beers tap, dats where my kids get fresh apple juice."
MAYFAIR

Seller Offers a Variety of Flooring

Having to meet the demands of a discriminating home buying market, some sellers are beginning to offer buyers choices. No longer is a buyer forced to live with stained moldy industrial carpet, but they can opt for finely aged vinyl, or delicately scratched hardwood. Creative Sellers are now offering a combo so that a floor will be completed with all three highly coveted elements.
EDGEWATER

New Interior Decorator Struggles

Trying to transition from the doldrums of corporate America to the glamorous world of real estate staging, this young interior decorator was given a budget of $8.25 from his first ever client, a seller eager to vacate his property, who allegedly told his new hire, "Me leaving house. I no more pay bank. Too much money they are wanting from me. Not fair. Not like this system. Here is good money. You make home look beautiful, yes?" The seller is currently using his credit cards to buy a new RV and drive across America, ("I am live where I want, how I am want, not be like stupid American people."), periodically checking in with his decorator, "You make house look good, many people wanting? You can do it, Yes, I am trust you."
AVONDALE

Refrigerator Still Embarrassed

After being threatened over and over by a frustrated homeowner unable to sell his overpriced hovel that he would replace that 'brown piece of sh*t' with one of 'dem stainless jobs, the 1973 Frigidaire PooPoo Deluxe ducked into an abandoned pantry hoping that he could please his demanding master by convincing prospective homebuyers that he is a purpose built SubZero.
ANDERSONVILLE

Peeping Made Easier

In a new effort to watch his attractive upstairs neighbor pass his door at exactly 8:17 and 6:34 each weekday, and various times throughout the weekend, a 2nd floor Albany Park tenant has upgraded his standard peephole for the highly coveted Peepinator XL2000, a controversial peephole apparatus that was banned in the United States in 1952 when scared women began reporting that communists were utilizing them to x-ray vision their underpants. Shortly thereafter, a local businessman began advertising an inferior eyeglass version in the back of comic books.
ALBANY PARK

Family Prays For Dying Citrus

After buying a 10 pound bag of oranges to save $1.68 from buying the four she originally wanted, an Edgewater homeowner was forced to ask a higher power to help salvage her slowly rotting breakfast fruits.
EDGEWATER