Abstract Cabinetry Winning Over Hipsters

In their continued efforts to fight against mainstream orthodoxy, a certain class of buyer, sometimes referred to as 'hipster', is eschewing the 42" solid cherry cabinets that have been corrupting home buyers for the last decade, and are now opting for a cleaner minimalist look. As one enraptured young Chicago homebuyer explained, "this is what all these trendy houses don't get. We don't need to be wasting resources building cabinets to house a bunch of junk we shouldn't be storing to begin with. This new generation of cabinetry gets to the soul of who we are. See for yourself."
Ukrainian Village

Pescatarians File Fair Housing Violation

Proclaiming they were no longer willing to sit back and accept the blatant discrimination they have faced in the Chicago housing market, a young Northside couple has decided to file a Fair Housing complaint against the seller of this Edgewater three flat for refusing to acknowledge fish eaters as people who also deserve a place to cut in the kitchen.
Edgewater

Mayor Proposes Foreclosure Target Shooting

As the city of Chicago continues to search for creative ways to bring more revenue into city coffers, one new suggestion has been allowed a trial period: Foreclosure target shooting. The program is already receiving backing from the NRA who applauded the decision stating, "'bout time those liberals understood the value of a gun." And one outspoken alderman remarked, "you know we got so many guns in this city here, and da feds won't let us ban 'em, and we got all these empty buildings, so why don't we just put 'em all together and make a few bucks."
Ukrainian Village

Physical Therapist Redesigns Bathroom

After her client refused to do exercises to rehabilitate his torn rotator cuff, a local Chicago physical therapist decided her client could practice his arm stretches somewhere more comfortable. After seeing positive results, she is currently raising the height of all the light switches and has suspended his living room couch from the ceiling.
Logan Square

The Red Phone is Not a Toy

The buyer of this gorgeous Art Deco condo near the lake in Chicago's Gold Coast neighborhood assumed the red phone was merely decoration in the wood paneled study. Now authorities at the Pentagon are placing frenzied calls to leaders around the world that "they are terribly sorry, but budget cuts affected the Cold War dismantle program, and now, well, uh, you still have a few hours to evacuate."
Gold Coast

Leaking Wall Provides Green Water Source

Placing her three year old pug's bowl in front of a constant leak allowed the seller of this Lincoln Square single family to get LEED certified for a her green watering practices. She is now in negotiations with a local green building consultant to install a direct vent toilet gutter that will permit her home's commodes to fertilize her native gardens below.

Lincoln Square

Owner Demonstrates Structural Integrity

The potential buyers of this Logan Square three flat were without words, but clearly satisfied, after the extremely confident owner demonstrated that the home's smaller than usual support posts were nothing to be concerned about. She also informed the buyers that she would be willing to perform the same tests during their home inspection, and if they were really interested, she could attempt a similar test at other properties for a nominal fee.
Logan Square

Owner Not So Sure About Open Kitchen

All of his friends were doing it, so the seller of this modern Lincoln Park single family home thought that was what he should do. He had already followed their advice on those pricey granite countertops, and even pricier stainless appliances. But within weeks of using his new open kitchen, he realized something wasn't right. "I would be, like, you know, trying to cook dinner, and my date would see that I wasn't cooking anything but just taking it all out of the Trader Joe's package. Didn't look very cool. So, I said, screw my friends, I'll put up a curtain, kinda like the hospital, so now, when my dates come over, I just pull the curtain closed. Now, that is something people should follow."
Lincoln Park

Penitentiary Chic Replaces Travertine Oasis

In an effort to woo sophisticated urban buyers sympathetic to the plight of marginalized prisoners, home sellers have begun to discard their glass mosaics and tumbled travertines for an aesthetic one Chicago realtor described as, "artist loft meets abandoned cellar with a sprinkle of post-millennial apocalypse".
Andersonville