Stuck between a Rock & a Meter

The prospective buyers of this Pilsen two flat refused to purchase a property that didn't have at least two bathrooms on one floor. After an exhaustive search, they discovered, behind a flapping piece of plywood, a secluded defecation alcove, nestled snug between the exterior porch and brick garage, lovingly heated by a dryer exhaust vent with unobstructed views of their tenant's kilowatt usage. The wife suggested making the toilet composting. The husband added that a skylight could be nice. And they lived happily ever after.
Pilsen

Lowest Flow Toilet Attracts Green Buyers

In a bid to attract more discerning and eco-conscious buyers, developers and sellers alike are beginning to offer zero water toilets. While initially only popular with buyers hailing from particular countries, more environmentally savvy buyers are now requesting this resource saving dynamo. This home seller told reporters, "after dropping $100,000 on a geothermal heating system, and another $200,000 for a backyard windmill, it's a real relief to only spend a few thousand bucks on one of these."
Rogers Park

All Natural Garden Gutters Attract Green Folk

With Green Homes and Green Design being such desirable traits, sellers are looking for all possible angles to highlight their property's green features. And buyers continue to look for visibly symbolic ways to offset their SUVs and triple head rain showers. Welcome the highly ornate, yet affordable, organic garden gutter, a new feature to the Chicago housing landscape, guaranteed to attract native wildlife while only allowing for gradual sustained water damage.
Avondale

Leaking Wall Provides Green Water Source

Placing her three year old pug's bowl in front of a constant leak allowed the seller of this Lincoln Square single family to get LEED certified for a her green watering practices. She is now in negotiations with a local green building consultant to install a direct vent toilet gutter that will permit her home's commodes to fertilize her native gardens below.

Lincoln Square

Direct Vent Toilet Fan a Big Hit

Tired of the inefficiencies of his standard bathroom exhaust fan, a crafty Ukrainian Village home seller came up with a solution to put Glade out of business. He proudly told one potential home buyer, "Before, even after three minute, very bad smell, yes, but now you spend maybe one hour, and still yes smelling like the new."
Ukrainian Village

Cable Keeps Clothes Dry & Supports Building

A Wicker Park family faced a dilemma with their two flat: they wanted to Go Green for their lovely son yet not spend money. So instead of replacing their broken dryer or destroying their crumbling rear porch, they devised a solution to make natural fabric dryers and indoor zipliners jealous. Surprisingly, the family has abandoned the property.
Wicker Park

ComEd Provides Buddhas to Boost Energy Use

Concerned over the growing 'green' movement,and its advocacy of less energy consumption, local electric provider ComEd has decided to utilize the alleged leader of all things conscientious, the esteemed Siddhartha Buddha, a.k.a "that fat smiling guy, Jimmy". ComEd customers can now go to the company's website and request that a service representative come to the billing address and affix a Buddha sculpture within six to eight inches of their thermostat. ComEd officials are also considering the dispersal of other encouraging statues, including but not limited to Jesus H. Christ, Al Gore, Jerry Garcia, and Pamela Anderson.
JEFFERSON PARK

Hinckley Springs Offers Green Water System

In renewed efforts to capture the lucrative 'green' market, Hinckley Springs has begun offering homeowners a unique water filtration service that turns their leaky roofs into that "delicious Hinckley Springs taste you've come to trust".
JEFFERSON PARK

Owner Reluctantly Sells off Ruins

After generations of trusted guardianship, the owner of the famous East Albany Park Ruins has decided to sell of his family's prized possession. When asked why he decided to not trust a realtor who specializes in delicate ruin properties, he responded, "dis is very emotional for da family. Dis was a special place for all da neighbors to come, and I know da times are tough, but I ain't sellin' dis here property to any ol' person, and dose realtor folk, dey don't care. I wants somebody who gonna care for dis here special place, ya know?" ALBANY PARK

Grout Lined Granite is All the Rage

Remodelers and Developers continue to set trends in housing by offering the one thing a buyer should care about: Quality Countertops. In their latest effort to offer the prospective homebuyer comfort and luxury, builders are altering the previous decade's demand for smooth granite with the more contrasting feel of grout lined granite, formerly known as TILE. And all this is available right now, for the same price as the less desirable grout free granite.
AVONDALE

Plumber Forgets to put Pipes Behind Wall

Worried he might be late to his weekly Weight Watchers meeting, a plumber in this Logan Square Victorian hurriedly assembled his copper plumbing pipes and rejoiced when he turned the water back on and discovered no leaks. Mysteriously, the plumber nor the contractor have returned to the home to retrieve the remainder of their tools. The owner has been highlighting the odd piping structure as a Green way to warm and dry your towels while enjoying the luxury of hot toilet paper.
LOGAN SQUARE

Organic Juice Lady Targets Cobra Drinkers

Local crazy Juice woman known to many locals as "that crazy Juice woman" has elevated her campaign to get Humboldt Park residents to drink healthy yummy organic locally pressed non pasteurized fair trade juice. She is calling her new campaign, "40's for Juice" and is imploring locals currently residing in the park to trade in their favorite malt liquor bottles and receive "a forty that won't need a paper bag."
HUMBOLDT PARK

ComEd Introduces Fahrenheit Plus

In it's continued efforts to get customers to cut their energy use, and reduce profits to shareholders, ComEd has recently introduced FahrenheitPlus, a revolutionary new temperature system that takes the emotional pain out of setting your thermostat to 74 degrees in the winter. Now, you can simply round up, call it '8' and enjoy the warmth.
BOWMANVILLE

Grilled Cheese Banned from Open House

A young vegetarian couple was rudely asked to leave an open house this weekend for eating a grilled gruyere on seven grain sourdough with free range fair trade mustard. As they protested, the seller barked, "How would it make you feel if someone grabbed your udders in an exploitative manner?" Still no response from the buyers.
WICKER PARK

Foreclosures Going Green

Riding the wave of Green euphoria sweeping the nation, banks have recently decided to provide green energy to their abandoned dilapidated uncared for properties so that prospective buyers will have solar powered lighting to witness the complete destruction caused by the bank's fine managerial practices.
BRIDGEPORT

Dual Flush Toilets for the Budget Minded

First time home buyers with limited budgets have discovered that five minutes with a sledgehammer significantly strengthens their environmental credentials.
Humboldt Park

Ruins of Failed Organic Family Discovered

An Albany Park homeseller has given up on growing food for his family after he discovered that tomatoes only come up once a year compared to his local Dominicks where he can get them everyday. His wife then discovered the same about carrots, and peas, and broccoli. They asked me to let everybody know that there is a great coupon for 99 cents frozen spinach. Only valid this week.
Albany Park

Going Green: Seller Makes Dubious Claim

In an effort to appeal to the Green Generation, more homesellers are deciding to support their homes with fallen utility poles, rather than Chinese made metal products. When this seller was asked what he planned on doing about the other 27 missing structural supports, he said, "Being GREEN ain't easy, ya know. It takes time, and patience, but in the end, use get a good product, ya know." Seconds later the Buyer was seen fleeing from the organic basement.
Pilsen