Realtors Worth Their Weight in Paper

Real estate agents have finally begun to understand their true value lies in successfully choosing the correct fonts - a specialized skill that requires the delicate navigation of thousands of letter types, only one of which will yield the necessary offer. For an upgrade fee, select Chicago realtors will highlight items a novice buyer might have otherwise missed. However, hand selected fonts will entail an additional charge.
Hyde Park

Landlord Really Wants to Rent

When asked why he wouldn't lower the rent on his Andersonville storefront to allow a start-up business a short term lease rather than keep the space vacant for months, the seasoned owner replied, "I'd rather take the losses on my taxes." When asked further if he felt his empty storefront was a blight on the neighborhood, he responded bluntly, "f*#k blight", before continuing, "It's my building not the neighborhood's."
Andersonville

Thanksgiving Trix Tossed in Toilet

Two days before Black Friday and a day before that other holiday, a bowl of Trix cereal has found its way into the Glacier Bay Commode located on the second floor of this Edgewater two flat. The aggrieved party has threatened to eat those soggy little balls for Thanksgiving dinner, in front of Uncle Karl and everyone. The seller of the building, otherwise known as "cruel cruel mommy", has yet to respond.
Edgewater

Penitentiary Chic Replaces Travertine Oasis

In an effort to woo sophisticated urban buyers sympathetic to the plight of marginalized prisoners, home sellers have begun to discard their glass mosaics and tumbled travertines for an aesthetic one Chicago realtor described as, "artist loft meets abandoned cellar with a sprinkle of post-millennial apocalypse".
Andersonville

Wife's Visualization Not Always an Asset

She has spent the last two months helping her husband understand how dilapidated foreclosed kitchens can transform into their dream kombucha brewing pizza baking oasis, and gone through elaborate pantomime to demonstrate how an outdated smoke stained living room can become the mid-century masterpiece they have dreamed so long about.

Now, this rabid visualizer is having to confront her own lethal skills, which she carefully whispered to her sympathetic buyer's agent, "I saw us getting ready for work in the morning. He was on the toilet and I was brushing my teeth, when I looked up in the mirror and our eyes made contact, the Tom's organic mint sprayed across the vanity. It was frightening. We have to go."
Lincoln Square

Embarrassed Potty Makers Elated & Relieved

Legions of embarrassed potty makers, especially those looking to purchase potty maker friendly houses in the City of Chicago, have taken to social media to express their gratitude to the growing number of home sellers and developers who recognize the often forgotten community of home buyers suffering from Potty Making Syndrome.

For years, these home buyers, and others, have had to waste countless gallons of water and innumerable excuses to convince passers by that the potty making machine was not in use. Now, with the help of Victorian furniture, born in an era when people understood the perils of potty making, potty making outfitters have introduced the perfect potty making foil allowing users to simply leave the door open while they enjoy their magazine with a spot of tea.
Lakeview

Portage Park Pee Pee Peeves Purchaser

After a splendid tour of this Portage Park bungalow, the would-be buyer was already imagining her living room furniture in the crown molding stained glass living room, until she had to excuse herself for the restroom. Upon returning, she freaked out that the seller had the audacity to chart her pee pee. "I haven't eat asparagus in days," she cried.
Portage Park

Buyer Still Deciding Whether it's Safe to Go

As of press time, the anxious buyer was still alone in the Avondale basement, staring, deciding if something would come up and bite her if she used the facility. She also debated the functionality, hygiene, privacy, and legal implications of using the commode during the showing.
AVONDALE