This Schmuck can Sell

Schmucks have been maligned throughout their unfortunate history. What is seldom discussed is that some schmucks make a really good cabinet, the kind that makes one resent purchasing trendy IKEA cabinets which were likely built to service the greater schmuck population.

At an open house for this Andersonville home, buyers seemed unimpressed by the knock-off mid-century furnishings or over-done crown moulding, but they were positively giddy with excitement when they gazed upon the beauty of a genuine hard wood Schmuck cabinet. Many realtors will tell you that great kitchens sell a home. But what they don't often mention, is that a great schmuck can sell it as well.
Andersonville

Open House a bit too Open

The potential buyers of this pre-war Rogers Park home were so offended by the implication that they should 'get in bed' at an Open House that they finally enacted their destiny by taking their home search to lovely suburban Naperville, where the schools are better, the communities employ darling aspirational names, and neighbors simply request you place your keys in a bowl when coming to their 'special' nighttime parties, highlighting the social etiquette so desperately needed in Chicago.
Rogers Park

Swings Have No Home Here

Rogers Park is a Chicago neighborhood known for it's social activism, but some resident activists have felt defeated in their battle to solve lives that matter, homes that hate, and presidents that really suck. So they have organized to support an entity that residents of all beliefs and political parties can stand behind. Literally. Local activists are feeling good about their efforts, but remaining cautiously optimistic, stating "we are starting to hear about certain families being divided, often with one sibling refusing to swing." The spokesperson continued to tell the only reporter present, "people think this is about raising our home values, which would be nice, and I wouldn't complain, cause you know, our price is still down from the 2007 peak, but this is really about supporting our local swings. How much do you think I could get for my place?"
Rogers Park

An Agent & A Drone Meet in a Bar

Realtors are constantly trying to make themselves stand out in a profession surrounded by so many that are The Best, The Most Trustworthy, The Most Reliable, Top Rated, Best Looking Photo to Snuggle Against on a Bus Bench, etc. So, one Chicago agent has decided that buyers and sellers are finally ready for some honesty by advertising what they actually do, but a recent client was unwilling to vouch for his forthright real estate professional, exclaiming, "this is typical of the bums in this industry. I thought they were going to fly one of those little planes over my home cause I hear the people buying home now only buy if they get home photos from sky. They lie. The all lie!" The honest yet confused drone agent responded, "Why would he want me to provide expensive photos that are free to everybody in Google Maps. I spent so much time talking at him but I guess he didn't listen."
Ravenswood

Realtors Worth Their Weight in Paper

Real estate agents have finally begun to understand their true value lies in successfully choosing the correct fonts - a specialized skill that requires the delicate navigation of thousands of letter types, only one of which will yield the necessary offer. For an upgrade fee, select Chicago realtors will highlight items a novice buyer might have otherwise missed. However, hand selected fonts will entail an additional charge.
Hyde Park

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak.
Irving Park

Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years.
Andersonville

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

In an effort to appeal to the small but growing number of home buyers who are appalled at the rapidly disintegrating conditions of the nearly endangered Midwestern dust mite, the seller of this Bronzeville rowhome enlisted the professional expertise of neighborhood carpet salvagers to create a rug so luxuriantly beautiful that dust mites would no longer have to be concerned with their eradication at the hands of hardwood floor elitists who have exhibited a wholesale philistinism toward the rights and habitat of our most beloved allergens.
Bronzeville

Realtor Offers Indian Chief to Help Home Sell

With the internet pushing to reduce the real estate profession the way of stockbrokers and video store clerks, more realtors are looking for ways to offer value to their services. One Logan Square agent is promising sacrificed animal carcasses and Native Americans to assure a speedy and successful home sale. When the sellers of this Logan Square vintage home asked if the real estate agent also included staging as part of their services, they were confidently told, "with me, you don't need staging, just the Indian and some discarded fruit scraps."
Logan Square

Dead Hipster Reveals Shocking Truth

Home Inspectors and savvy realtors warn buyers to beware of the glitz. Check out the basement, they say, it's where you'll find the ugly truth.

Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man".
Logan Square

Reclaimed Wood Fridge Claimed by No One

When purchasing a home, items such as appliances and lights are considered a part of the home unless a seller decides they want to keep them. But it isn't common for buyers to refuse a fixture. Until now.

The buyers of this turn of the century Garfield Park two flat demanded that the reclaimed wood refrigerator be removed from the property by closing. They told undisclosed sources that they thought the reclaimed wood as a disgrace because it wasn't old enough, and that they would reclaim even older, more age appropriate wood for their non-stainless refrigerator.
Garfield Park

Frozen Barware Taunts Children's Playroom

A Bridgeport family converted their two flat's basement into a drinking preparation center so their children could safely play while gaining exposure to the subterranean dwelling's future use. The little ones were told that the wall was a Southside piñata that they'll get to break open on their thirteenth birthdays.

Prospective home buyers were assured that the liquor bottles and glasses were suitable for children as young as nine but that all liquor remaining was to be transferred in As-Is condition.
Bridgeport

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park

Crafty Seller Finds Planter Box Alternative

Known around the neighborhood for his mason jar lamps and mixing bowl hats, the owner of this historic Andersonville home was searching for a resourceful way to landscape. And when he found perfectly empty usable aluminum troughs surrounding his house, the owner just knew his neighbors would be so impressed by his latest repurposing project.
Andersonville

Realtor Outsourcing Proves Successful

Honoring the public's request to fall off the face of the earth, realtors have begun to outsource their traditional role as home guide and disseminator of the obvious. Buyers and sellers alike seem happy with the trend, anxiously awaiting the day when hell freezes over so they can enjoy a reduction in commission fees.
Rogers Park

Patriotic & Paranoid - A True American

In preparation for July 4th, the potential seller of this Pilsen home let it be known that God blesses our nation and private property, however God will not consider VA loans. Cash only please.
Pilsen

The Aliens Have Finally Landed...in Chicago

Generations of Americans have wondered why the Aliens, the ones on UFOs, never seem to land in a big city. Well they finally did! And now the owner of this Edgewater home wants out. The extra terrestrial infestation is likely driving the sale of this non-traditional Chicago home, which some are speculating could be the latest design for the now ubiquitous boxy SmartTech home. As of press time, the aliens are postponing showings until they can remove all signs of Earthly life.
Edgewater

Realtor Exhausted After Open House

An afternoon of saying, "welcome" and "please fill in the sign-in sheet" has left this Chicago realtor ready for nigh-nigh. Potential home buyers were confused by the agent's muffled vocabulary, but relieved to find his large bunny friend sleeping in the upstairs guest bedroom.
Portage Park

Insulted Owner Refuses to Work With Realtor

Avondale is Chicago's next hot neighborhood, and realtors have been relentlessly pursuing owners to sell their poorly maintained frame homes. But on a recent Sunday afternoon, one homeowner, irate and shirtless in January, was seen screaming from his front porch, "I refuse to sell my home of twenty-three years just so some website designing smartphone brat can live in walking distance to a twenty dollar cocktail. How much you think I can get? WHAT??? You guys all suck! Why don't you bother my neighbor, she's invisible so you might have better luck. JAG!!!"
Avondale

Beanie Babies Decide to Sell Their Home

Declaring that "Roscoe Village is done!", a collective of rarely seen Beanie Babies have decided to sell their quaint Roscoe Village house. "You know, we like moved here twenty plus years ago. Back then we were the only babies around. Now, babies are everywhere." Asked where to next, the group was split with older babies crying, "cities are nothin' more than overpriced boutiques and slums. We're going to get a farm in Indiana, plenty of shelf space there." But the younger ones simply said, "southside, baby."
Roscoe Village