Tenants Help Seller Find the Right Buyer

The low rent paying tenants of this Logan Square three flat promised the out of state owner of their building that they'd be happy to assist with fixing up the basement and making sure prospective buyers had full access to the property. The seller's realtor has also been happy with this arrangement which has allowed him to charge a full commission while never having to actually go to the property. After sixty-seven weeks on the market, neither seller nor agent can figure out why their once 'hot' property is not selling.
LOGAN SQUARE

Jay-Z Reminds Male Buyers to Ask Wife First

A friend of Jay-Z's old neighbor's cousin's ex-girlfriend's brother-in-law wanted perspective buyers of his Lincoln Square three flat to know that all offers would require an extended period of time for a response as he'll need to wait for certain outside advice on how to counter.
Lincoln Square

Realtor Promises that Creepy Dolls Included

The listing agent of this Lincoln Square three flat assured all prospective buyers that the rare collection of assorted Pop icon Barbie dolls could be included in the sale price of the home, not to worry. However, she was unable to assure anybody if the roof was still leaking, or the basement remained dry, or the electric was updated, or that anything in the house worked at all.
Lincoln Square

Waterfall Feature Helps Owner Sell Dump

Lured by the promise of a "rare two story waterfall", a pair of new homebuyers were duped into overlooking various details of this poorly maintained Logan Square two flat. As soon as the potential buyer asked about low water pressure, the owner would say, "oh, yeah, the waterfall does freeze up in winter but it's still beautiful. The neighbors are jealous, for sure."
Logan Square

Pescatarians File Fair Housing Violation

Proclaiming they were no longer willing to sit back and accept the blatant discrimination they have faced in the Chicago housing market, a young Northside couple has decided to file a Fair Housing complaint against the seller of this Edgewater three flat for refusing to acknowledge fish eaters as people who also deserve a place to cut in the kitchen.
Edgewater

Sinkwashers Boosting Lincoln Park Prices

In an effort to increase rent, and not turn off would-be renters in one of Chicago's toniest neighborhoods, the owner of this Lincoln Park three flat has transformed his sink cabinet with a used dishwasher panel. When asked about potential tenants feeling deceived by his non-functioning dishwasher, the three flat owner tersely remarked, "I not do such thing. You not know nothing the dishwash! I am leave open drain pipe. Renter only putting dish in dishwash, then open water, and he wash dish, then take dish from dishwash CLEAN. This is dishwasher, yes? Yes, this is dishwash."
LINCOLN PARK

Limbless Man Asked to Protect Floppy Disks

The owner of this West Town multi-unit was unable to continue occupying his near West Side building due to an unfortunate circumstance which consisted of his inability to stop thinking about how much easier life would be in Arizona. Upon absconding from his Chicago brick pit, he asked his good friend, whom he'd met in a World Market, if he would watch over his valuable Commodore 64 computer and stack of confidential floppy disks.
West Town

Missing Wood Posts Concern Buyer

The potential buyers of this 1890's Lakeview Victorian displayed profound concern upon descending into the basement to discover that the entire house was being supported by tree trunks. The wife looked over to her husband, and in a firm but slightly anxious voice, said, "We have GOT to get out of here. Why wouldn't they support their home with wood posts like everybody else. This is NOT safe. We have GOT to go. NOW!"
Lakeview

Progressive Parents Ban Cell Phones

In an effort save their family from the ills of a cell phone addicted society, one Albany Park couple has installed a pay phone, which was explained to the potential buyers of their organically decorated three flat as "necessary to combat the destruction of our culture, and besides, after paying for Montessori, Whole Foods delivery and our Audi Diesel, who afford those crazy phone bills. Hey, could I borrow your phone to check my email for a minute?"
Albany Park

Obama Math Initiatives Paying Off

Years of poor quality Chicago rehabs may be coming to an end. Recent evidence obtained from an Avondale brick two flat suggests that workers doing affordable renovation work, often with limited education and disputable residency status, have been taking advantage of government programs to ensure they have the necessary mathematical skills to compete in today's highly competitive and mathematical world.
AVONDALE

Clean Everything in One Sitting

The rehabber of this Logan Square two flat told us he was proud to finally be able to offer a place where people can multi-task in sanitary tranquility. "You see, what we have here is da future of da batroom. While use doin' your bizness, you can be brushin' dose teeth and bathin' dose feet all at da same time. Smart, right?"
Logan Square

Plastic Bags are the New Subway Tiles

Tired of being like everybody else, some homeowners are forgoing the trendy subway wall tiles and even glass mosaics for a more eco-friendly aesthetic. One homeseller summed it up to the buyers of her Logan Square two flat as, "there are just too many plastic bags littering our streets, and not many people know they are waterproof, so why give money to those huge tile conglomerates, when we should all just re-cycle, re-use and re-shower."
Logan Square

Owner Decides to Leave Electric Chair

The retiring owner of this Humboldt Park multi-family building has decided to bequeath his infamous electric chair to the new owners of his much beloved near Northwest side compound. When asked why he didn't want to take his electric chair with him, the owner quickly replied, "Me. No need this chair. People here sometime make problem for me. No want pay rent. I say, ok. You no pay, you come with me basement. I put them chair. They are cry like baby. One minute later they are pay me. Cash. They always have so much cash. Good building. You will like."
Humboldt Park (WEST BUCKTOWN!)

Boiler Enjoying New Hair Care Products

After experiencing a near melt-down with a value size can of AquaNet, this SouthSide boiler has recently switched to the more soothing, and safer, styling gel, choosing Walgreens brand because he exclaimed, "it's all the same sh#t, just like these brick two flats, just depends on how you use them."
Bridgeport

Pit Bull Not Smarter than Bank

In yet another blow to the much maligned pet, a national bank, far larger than the largest of Humboldt Park's official canine, has taken down the honor roll pouncing beast. When the sheriff was asked how he outsmarted a creature smarter than an honor roll student, he swiftly replied, "Well, the honor roll in Chicago just means your kid made it to the end of the school day."
RAVENSWOOD! (really)

User of LSD Decides Now the Time to Sell

A frequent user of LakeShoreDrive has decided he no longer needs that over-rated route, and wants to start taking something different. When asked about the difficult decision, the seller cheerfully responded, "I'm so over LSD. The trip takes way too long. If I'm gonna use something everyday, it's gotta be a lot smoother than that. Surely Chicago has something better for me."
BRIDGEPORT

Seller Proud of AT&T Upgrade, Really Proud

The elderly seller of this Portage Park bungalow spent the better part of a minute promoting her spacious bathroom and the unique ability to make phone calls in there, something no other homes in the area could offer, she proclaimed.
Portage Park

Rehabber Discovers He's Illiterate

After his cousin Arthur told him he could make a quick buck, a suburban office worker turned rehabber decided to renovate this multi-family in Wicker Park himself. After a quick demo job, he thought things were easy. Then he tried to read Home Depot's allegedly simple-to-use rehab books. He under-estimated the sophistication of the literature. And then he was served.
Wicker Park

Owner Finds New Use for His Slinky

After years of neglecting his rusty slinky, a Bridgeport two flat owner decided he could use it to heat his bedroom.
BRIDGEPORT

Large Mammal Requires Two Showers

An unusually large mammal, unable to fully bathe himself, requested the landlord of his Albany Park three flat to provide an additional watering hole so that he would no longer have to explain to fellow mammals why one side of his body remained so pungent.
ALBANY PARK