Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy

A rigorous Montessori program has allowed a local Humboldt Park toddler to build an elevated toilet so that her father could rest like a king when he tells her, "Daddy's busy now, go ask your mother". The same coveted preschool program is introducing an entire curriculum based around the crafting of space 'to honor those who love you.' It was stressed during class that the 'potty palace' could be for either parent much as the re-purposed Swedish massage room featuring exchange teacher/au pair Magnus on select evenings. After the construction of the second project, this featured home is now for sale.
Humboldt Park

Vintage Waterproofing Attracts Thrifty Buyers

For a certain class of Chicago homebuyer, one seeking out historic properties at a low low price, there are elements of the 19th century they are hoping discover: tin ceilings hidden above a dropped tile ceiling, ornate molding stacked in an attic corner, stained glass windows buried in drywall, coal chute doors behind a piece of plywood.

One discovery in Garfield Park has lit up the DIY chatrooms - basement walls mounted on freestanding bricks. With so many Chicago basements subject to water penetration, homeowners spend inordinate amounts of money to keep basements dry only to find that the wily ways of water found yet another point of entry. Now the deal seeking buyers of Garfield Park greystones are recognizing the inherent genius in a forgotten turn of the century innovation. When one online commenter suggested, "you hipster idiots should get your heads examined", he was bombarded by posters telling him to, "go back to Lincoln Park" and "yuppie scum don't get re-use".
Garfield Park

Realtor Offers Indian Chief to Help Home Sell

With the internet pushing to reduce the real estate profession the way of stockbrokers and video store clerks, more realtors are looking for ways to offer value to their services. One Logan Square agent is promising sacrificed animal carcasses and Native Americans to assure a speedy and successful home sale. When the sellers of this Logan Square vintage home asked if the real estate agent also included staging as part of their services, they were confidently told, "with me, you don't need staging, just the Indian and some discarded fruit scraps."
Logan Square

Couple Loses Baby During Open House

"Have you seen my baby?" These were the frantic words pleaded by a couple at an Open House in Humboldt Park this weekend. The buyers were hoping to get a great deal on a two flat that they could convert into a single family home, but one of the families, who was at risk of losing their affordable apartment, decided that prayer over the little one might engender feelings of empathy from the child's parents. When the child was finally discovered by the distraught couple, they admonished the praying renters by loudly exclaiming, "we were going to give you people a full thirty days notice to vacate and allow you to have our moving boxes too, but not anymore!"
Humboldt Park

Picket Shortage Solved with Discarded Bikes

As the rise of unaffordable new construction homes sweeps Humboldt Park and Logan Square, home improvement stores are unable to keep fence pickets in stock as new neighbors begin the process of walling off from the native inhabitants. Some residents have protested by utilizing the remains of light pole festering bicycles in an effort to show new homeowners the essence of Logan Square. One bike fence re-purposer remarked, "This is Logan. Logan equals bikes. And bikes were here first." When asked why he didn't move further west where he could afford real pickets, the bike fencer responded, "Uh, well, there is nowhere to get a locally grown Mulled Apple Cider Ginger Mule."
Logan Square

Neighbors Sad to See Garden Tenant Moving

The seller of this Logan Square three flat was unable to resist increasing home prices in his neighborhood, and finally accepted an offer, confiding in his neighbors that, "it has been nice to provide affordable rents and all, but this is an incredible offer, and to just tear it down, can you believe it?". The shocked neighbor quickly responded, "Does this mean Jerry is moving from downstairs? We really enjoyed his bathing routine."
Logan Square

Landlord Solves Triplets' Breastfeeding Issues

The tenant of this Humboldt Park four flat was having difficulty holding down a job while also striving to breastfeed her triplet girls until the landlord presented her with another one of his crazy Eddy solutions, this one guaranteed to feed "the whole litter at once." Shortly after the appearance of 'miracle mommy in the sky', more limb shaped protrusions began to descend throughout the building until crazy Eddy realized he couldn't feed the whole place, and decided to sell.
Humboldt Park

SpongeBob Shows His Dirty Side

Tired of concealing the fact that his sponge is dirtier than children realize, Ukrainian Village resident Bob Yushenko, better known to those outside Chicago as SpongeBob, has made it clear to the potential buyers of his historic brick four flat that there are two ways to handle things. When the excited buyer asked SpongeBob if his kid could use the urinal, the porous pauper grunted, "not have money to do everything the two way, but I open window for your boy, go ahead."
Ukrainian Village

Mayor Proposes Foreclosure Target Shooting

As the city of Chicago continues to search for creative ways to bring more revenue into city coffers, one new suggestion has been allowed a trial period: Foreclosure target shooting. The program is already receiving backing from the NRA who applauded the decision stating, "'bout time those liberals understood the value of a gun." And one outspoken alderman remarked, "you know we got so many guns in this city here, and da feds won't let us ban 'em, and we got all these empty buildings, so why don't we just put 'em all together and make a few bucks."
Ukrainian Village

For Sale Sign Replaced with Honest Signs

In a nascent effort to alter the perception of real estate as an industry that emulates the ethics of third world governments, a local Chicago real estate firm has decided to remove their lovely For Sale signs and the welcoming women who adorn them. In their place, signs directing the buyer to potential issues with the property have been installed. Buyers are even given a certified inspection report upon previewing the property to ensure they know exactly what they are bidding on.
Humboldt Park

Free Cookies Didn't Work at Open House

Having failed to connive potential buyers with home baked cookies, a Ukrainian Village couple, proudly selling their severely overpriced brick three flat, has resorted to giving away free alcohol in an effort to blur buyers' ability to notice smallish bedrooms, an outdated kitchen, those three elongated cracks in the ceiling, and the strong odor of wet Labrador mixed with rotting Indian food.
Ukrainian Village

Fervent Democrat Accepts New Bathroom

After years as a "green" girl, with green linens, and green dresses and a crush on Nader, and even a green car, the buyer of this Logan Square bungalow has decided that her unyielding support for the Democratic party should extend to the bathroom. She told this to all who would listen after receiving the $12,000 bill to completely remodel it.
Logan Square

Retro Tiles Vie to Remain in Bath Remodel

Two distinctly vintage tiles battled passionately for the love of a new Logan Square homeowner, who was meeting with her contractor to discuss plans for her bathroom remodel. The new buyer admitted she was torn over which funky vintage tile to choose, as they each manipulated the afternooon light to gain her favor. The contractor simply stated, "No good. Very old. I bring new tile. Many people love. You love it too. I am going. Thank you."
Logan Square

Proud Graduate Cheated on Plumbing Finals

An enthusiastic graduate of a nearby trade school in Humboldt Park apparently stopped attending classes after the demolition lectures. However, his mom, the proud seller of this brick worker's cottage, told us he was "so very, very special" before proceeding to yell across the house, "I told you to stop swinging that thing!"
Humboldt Park

Family Stashing Cheetos in Bathroom

Inspired by the popular weight-loss programs dominating prime time television, a local Logan Square family has decided to re-locate their food storage to a less convenient snacking location. However, it should be noted that the bathroom was occupied for the first twenty minutes of a recent visit. The prospective buyers were surprised to enter a completely odorless and moisture free space.
Logan Square

Drunk Roommate Asleep in Closet

The tenants of this Humboldt Park three flat were asked by the building's owner to show potential buyers around their apartment. Unfortunately, due to acute intoxication, one tenant wasn't capable of pointing out the highlights of her bedroom. At least not while we were visiting.
Humboldt Park

Owner Decides to Leave Electric Chair

The retiring owner of this Humboldt Park multi-family building has decided to bequeath his infamous electric chair to the new owners of his much beloved near Northwest side compound. When asked why he didn't want to take his electric chair with him, the owner quickly replied, "Me. No need this chair. People here sometime make problem for me. No want pay rent. I say, ok. You no pay, you come with me basement. I put them chair. They are cry like baby. One minute later they are pay me. Cash. They always have so much cash. Good building. You will like."
Humboldt Park (WEST BUCKTOWN!)

Pit Bull Not Smarter than Bank

In yet another blow to the much maligned pet, a national bank, far larger than the largest of Humboldt Park's official canine, has taken down the honor roll pouncing beast. When the sheriff was asked how he outsmarted a creature smarter than an honor roll student, he swiftly replied, "Well, the honor roll in Chicago just means your kid made it to the end of the school day."
RAVENSWOOD! (really)

Easter Bunny Refuses to Drink MicroBrews

While enjoying his new outdoor space, the Easter Bunny made it clear to prospective buyers that he only drinks American, "real American", not that microbrew crap. He then yelled out that his kegerator was not included in the sale.
HERMOSA

Dogs Prohibited from Airing in Logan Square

As neighborhoods in Chicago change, so do the expectations of residents. Logan Square and Humboldt Park were once a haven for canines who were allowed to air freely and without harassment, but as new inhabitants stake claim to the once public parkways, dogs are finding it increasingly difficult to aire.
Logan Square / Humboldt Park