Trump Supporters Protest Open House

Open Houses are not much different than politics - they make the seller think there is a lot of interest in their home, and hence their 'representative' is doing a great job, when in fact they are a conduit to allow a multitude of unrepresented buyers an introduction to their potential new representative, the 'hard working' open house host. But when the freshman house rep chooses the emblem of southern invaders to lure his unsuspecting constituents, he probably forgot that the far northwest side of Chicago is a stronghold of the MAGA RED. Several protesters were seen lurking around following the demonstration, hoping for an opportunity to get a little Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. One protestor, barely able to speak as a volcano of cheesy substance splooged from his mouth, mumbled, "what...doritos belong to us!"
Avondale

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park

Hidden Nanny Cam Impresses Buyers

After going through an extensive list of minor renovations in order to sell their home, the sellers of this Sauganash colonial were surprised to find out that their Coon Cam was a persuading factor. Despite the persistent objections of their realtor, the sellers were convinced their technological taxidermy would impress potential buyers, and after twenty-one months on the market, they obviously knew best.
Sauganash

Liberal Couple Scared to Low-Ball

A progressive pair of Chicago Northsiders, attempting to move to an area of Chicago they could afford to own, has felt intimidated to place a low offer on an overpriced Jefferson Park two flat. Following the showing, the husband whined, "Look sweetie, you know how these people are, we should just pay him what he wants. Interest rates are so low it doesn't matter. I just, you know, I can't buy a gun. I just can't."
Jefferson Park

Wife Insists Man's Cave Resemble Cave

A local Chicago woman, one half of the real estate duo attempting to sell their historic Portage Park bungalow, has told reporters that she refused to allow her husband to have his own bar, home theater system and pool table while she was relegated to the pantry. A mystified husband countered that the pantry had an extensive shelving system, a fold down ironing board and room for a stackable washer and dryer.
Portage Park

Portage Park Pee Pee Peeves Purchaser

After a splendid tour of this Portage Park bungalow, the would-be buyer was already imagining her living room furniture in the crown molding stained glass living room, until she had to excuse herself for the restroom. Upon returning, she freaked out that the seller had the audacity to chart her pee pee. "I haven't eat asparagus in days," she cried.
Portage Park

Just in Case

When the homeseller of this northwest side bungalow was asked why she had so many toilet paper rolls in their bathroom, she politely responded, "just in case." From the down the hall, an older man could be heard yelling, "cause she uses half a roll every time she goes in there!"
Mayfair

Owner Decides to Leave Electric Chair

The retiring owner of this Humboldt Park multi-family building has decided to bequeath his infamous electric chair to the new owners of his much beloved near Northwest side compound. When asked why he didn't want to take his electric chair with him, the owner quickly replied, "Me. No need this chair. People here sometime make problem for me. No want pay rent. I say, ok. You no pay, you come with me basement. I put them chair. They are cry like baby. One minute later they are pay me. Cash. They always have so much cash. Good building. You will like."
Humboldt Park (WEST BUCKTOWN!)

4 Dimensional Room Leaves Buyers Stranded

As of presstime, the buyers are still there.
AVONDALE

Stairs to Nowhere Bill Finally Passes

After years of wrangling between lobbyists on both sides of the Stairs to Nowhere issue, Congress finally passed the controversial legislation which advocates hail as an important milestone in providing impoverished families with the physical embodiment "of a way out" that will in turn help jump start the economy, while opponents are decrying the passage as "just one more needless piece of welfare that handicaps it's recipients rather than setting them free." Local detractors in Chicago are already pointing out loopholes that allow for the hanging of personal clothing items which effectively close the Stairs to Nowhere.
Mayfair

Dutch Woman Last Seen on Roof

An elderly Dutch woman, alleged to be Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas, was last seen on her northwest side bungalow roof, attempting to complete her monthly moth ball distribution. Anyone who may have seen Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas should contact the Association for Lost Dutch Grandmothers making sure to note exact clog size.
PORTAGE PARK

Buyers Kept Awake by Strange Ceiling

Despite finding two other appealing homes, a Chicago couple spent the night arguing and googling about what could have been on the ceiling in that one Northside two flat that they had no intention of buying. Sculpted metal? Antique tin panel ceiling? Papier-mâché? An elaborate water leak cover-up? The work of an alien race?
Old Irving Park