Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge".
Portage Park

Who likes to Party?

Chicago is serving as a test market for the new party machine, and single family home builders on the Northside are racing to provide them as part of the coveted overpriced new construction kitchen arsenal which includes a faucet over the stove guaranteed to save you upwards of five steps to your sink, a wine cooler that promises to deliver temperatures almost as good as your basement, and subway tiled everything to remind you of the delicious wafts once reserved for the depths of State and Lake.
Lincoln Square

Maria Refuses to See Disgraceful Rehab Work

Local Logan Square icon, Maria, sometimes referred to as "The Celibate One", appearing simultaneously under nearby highway bridges and neighborhood backyards, has taken a new oath (with the help of Skylar's beer pong equipment) of blindness in an effort to avoid witnessing the overpriced single family conversion of this former Logan Square two flat, which substituted vintage detail for gleaming drywall and large shiny appliances.
Logan Square

Flippers Touting Luxury Uitility Sinks

With the ubiquity of cherry cabinets, granite counters and Brazilian hardwood, investors rehabbing houses, commonly referred to by their maritime mammalian codename, "flipper", have sought out new ways to attract cutting edge home buyers. In this Mayfair bungalow, a flipper has marketed his 'reclaimed vintage' utility sink with high end Grohe shower faucet as a "must have item for those wanting the latest in utility sink fashion."
Mayfair

Hybrid Flooring Relieves Buyer's Insomnia

After viewing too many run down properties, a buyer became incapable of making a decision when the rehab seller of this Albany Park brick two flat actually offered her a choice of hardwood floors or wool carpeting. Four evenings of online research and a litany of calls to close friends and family further incapacitated the buyer. "No problem. I am make for you special floor. Maybe you like dance, and child is play on floor. I making many floor like this. Buyer like."
Albany Park

Obama Math Initiatives Paying Off

Years of poor quality Chicago rehabs may be coming to an end. Recent evidence obtained from an Avondale brick two flat suggests that workers doing affordable renovation work, often with limited education and disputable residency status, have been taking advantage of government programs to ensure they have the necessary mathematical skills to compete in today's highly competitive and mathematical world.
AVONDALE

Retro Tiles Vie to Remain in Bath Remodel

Two distinctly vintage tiles battled passionately for the love of a new Logan Square homeowner, who was meeting with her contractor to discuss plans for her bathroom remodel. The new buyer admitted she was torn over which funky vintage tile to choose, as they each manipulated the afternooon light to gain her favor. The contractor simply stated, "No good. Very old. I bring new tile. Many people love. You love it too. I am going. Thank you."
Logan Square

Vegan Buyers Can't Find Seitan Button

A disappointed couple looking to buy their first home in Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood was distraught that the sellers didn't think to install an oven that would suit their dietary requirements. When the seller was asked how he could make such an egregious mistake, he calmly responded, "Go f&#* yourself."
Pilsen

Rehabber Discovers He's Illiterate

After his cousin Arthur told him he could make a quick buck, a suburban office worker turned rehabber decided to renovate this multi-family in Wicker Park himself. After a quick demo job, he thought things were easy. Then he tried to read Home Depot's allegedly simple-to-use rehab books. He under-estimated the sophistication of the literature. And then he was served.
Wicker Park

Easter Bunny Enjoying His Rehabbed Two Flat

Tired of being that "other religious superhero", and perturbed about his lack of a dramatic entryway, the Easter Bunny has recently renovated an Avondale two flat to provide himself with a means to practice Resurrection Day Chimney Dives while still affording him the queer comforts of Peeps Moderne.
AVONDALE

Artistic Drywall Man Not Very Tall

Inspired by a translated copy of The Fountainhead, a Central American drywall install specialist continued his Chicago quest to make closets that inspire, that come from his soul, and don't conform to useless standards imposed by the mindless masses. Unfortunately, his contractors keep firing him for his inability to create entryways that American adults can fit through. The fired drywall specialist is now being represented by an activist attorney specializing in discrimination against immigrant employees who suffer from undiagnosed spatial recognition disorder, sometimes referred to as Mayan Syndrome.
North Center

Mysterious Electrical Fire Baffles Everyone

After accepting a contractor who not only offered the lowest bid, but assured the owners he could do work without a permit, a Pilsen family is still trying to discover why a fire erupted in their kitchen while microwaving dinner while blowdrying the children's hair while toasting some stale bread. PILSEN

Owls Asked to Watch Over Cats for Awhile

Six felines were observed running naked and free throughout this Bridgeport two flat while the building's lone residents, a tight knit group of rare Calumet Owls, kept watch over the dwelling. The owls had no word on the whereabouts of the home's owners. BRIDGEPORT

The Hulk Attacks Another Bungalow

Homesellers have had to contend with the harmful effects of foreclosures, short sales, and a nervous buying public. And now a new threat has extended the agony. A buyer calling himself Mr. Hulk has been making his way to open houses in the Chicago area, last seen running through this brick wall in the Bridgeport neighborhood. If you or someone you know sees him, authorities are asking that you stay far away. But a contractor named Mishka is asking that anyone coming across this Mr. Hulk call him immediately because his demo guy has been missing for the last week. BRIDGEPORT

Recent Recent New Artifact Found

Finally, after thirty nine years of sleep in the back corner of this Ravenswood basement, a bourbon bottle has not exceeded it's promise.
RAVENSWOOD

Fabric Master Upset Over His Demotion

After decades of mastering the intricate drying cycles of delicates, semi-delicates, rayon, silk, polyester, cotton, blankies, boots, hats, rugs, and small pets, The Fabric Master has been relegated to the far musty corner of this Northside basement where he has been assigned to the much maligned dish towel and re-usable diaper duties. His resentment is brewing as the new Kenmore XL2000 moisture meter continues to deliver dry shrink-free yoga pants to a fawning mother day after day. "Just wait until she sees how much those replacement parts cost, she'll be begging me for work again. I'm the real Yogi here," Fabric Master muttered in disgust.
EDGEWATER

Remaining in the Closet Not So Easy

A tenant who has spent his entire life hiding in the closet is not taking lightly to his landlady's recent rehab work.
ALBANY PARK

Buyer Still Deciding Whether it's Safe to Go

As of press time, the anxious buyer was still alone in the Avondale basement, staring, deciding if something would come up and bite her if she used the facility. She also debated the functionality, hygiene, privacy, and legal implications of using the commode during the showing.
AVONDALE

Brick Union Now Known as Wallpaper Union

What's happened to Chicago's famed brick walls, a fixture in the city for over one hundred years? Some blame the rising popularity of the vomit face block used in many new construction dwellings, while others keep shouting, "It's the banks" or "It's cause of China." Union reps and Builders have all taken notice, and are now offering homeowners tuckpoint-free brick for interiors, promising easy sponge cleaning and a look just guaranteed to impress.
Bridgeport (where else?)

Could the Incans Build a Temple here?

“Wasn't that the place with the short basement ceilings?” my client asked as if he was Granpa trying to remember his childhood home.

“I think so. Let me check the photos.”

A buyer will see so many homes that eventually he will think the kitchen of one place belongs to the living room of another that has the yard of a completely different place.

Besides the photos, going back for a second visit usually keeps a place in the running, or finds it unceremoniously dumped like an internet date with a falsified photo.

An investor bought the property in foreclosure for $30,000. They renovated the home, two stories and a rehabbed basement converted into a famous Chicago 'in-law,' which should probably be known as an 'out-law' considering the city considers them illegal if not zoned properly. But people need a place to live, and many building owners rent out basements to those looking to save a few dollars and enjoy the fresh smells of Mother Earth. Rarely are the apartments ever shut down.

The new owner wanted $150,000. And people will think, “that's a crazy mark-up, I'll just buy my own cheap place and renovate it.” Except few people today can get a bank to loan them money on a trashed property and then find the additional $75,000 to do the work. Or they don't have the time.

And one major benefit of buying a home from a Rehabber is that often times you can negotiate in your contract to get them to either fix things to your inspector's recommendations, or better yet, they will tear down a wall, build a garage, add fixtures, even put on a dormer. As long as the property can appraise, it's like getting a rehab loan without the work. Your place is ready for move-in at closing.

The date was going well. The top two floors looked exactly how we remembered. Wood trim preserved, hardwood re-finished, windows replaced, and bathrooms completely remodeled. But the basement was the core. The date conversation was changing from 'what's the last movie you saw' to 'how do you feel about an open relationship?'

A home with a finished basement that has separate entrances along with a bath and a kitchen hookup lets an owner have additional 'roommates' or family stay with them. It's tangible security. Many will take their chances with the city and rent it since the new income will be the difference between just making the mortgage and having Alinea money every month. Or Petrillo's.

The descent down the re-built stairs allowed the new paint fumes to excite us with possibility. And a cheap afternoon high. That was a joke. You can't get high on latex paint fumes. I've watched people in the alley try, unsuccessfully, until they gave up and found the nearest 40 ounce bottle of a fine malted beverage gently sheathed by the slight crumpled reveal of brown paper.

The cermaic tile glistened. Basements are the only part of a home, outside bathrooms, that are allowed to have tile. That's a law. An unwritten law that keeps your hard earned money from going to waste on wood floors that will warp or carpet that is bound to asphyxiate your tenants with a moldy stank. My client strolled the large living area with a smile inching up his face until he saw scraping my ear scraping against the freshly drywalled ceiling. I guess I could travel the apartment by office roller chair like Alex P. Keaton.

I turned to the investor/owner/sales guy, my aching head slanted ninety degrees. “You did such a nice job of renovating this place. It shows great. But what happened down here? Did you think Chicago had an under served dwarf population tired of getting on step stools to open their bathroom doors?”

“No, actually, it's funny you bring that up, cause, you know, we debated taking the floor down some, but we figured this apartment would be for a hispanic family. And they're short, you know. They can definitely fit in here. This neighborhood has lots of them hispanics. But you know something, about 90% of the people who come to look at the building are Anglos, like you guys.”

“I'm not actually an Anglo. I'm just White.”

I yelled over to my client, his smile retreating back to neutral, “Hey, are you an Anglo?”

“No, not really. Part German, but mostly I'm just White.”

First dates are always deceiving. The second date predicts the future. And this relationship will be another one of the many, where one kitchen merges with somebody else's perfect master bathroom. The Hunt continues.