1.2 Million & The Porch is Yours

As the high-end single family home home boom continues unabated throughout the Northside of Chicago, builders are struggling to find details that will help their generic designs stand out. Coffered ceilings and wi-fi mudrooms are not enough. One Andersonville developer was kind enough to preserve a traditional brick two flatrental building by converting it into a luxury single family home. But to appeal to the clientele who buy such properties, he constructed a minimalist inspired front porch, lovingly sprayed with the finest automotive primer.
Andersonville

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park

Hockey Dad Promises Better Rink Next Year

A Logan Square father, hockey fanatic, and home seller has promised all interested parties including but not limited to his dear children and extremely irate wife, that he will not attempt to build an ice rink in their future basement. He has suggested that perhaps the new home might have space for an indoor pool.
Logan Square

Santa Disappointed with Chimney Renovation

Modern homeowners who have allowed the mason industry to fulfill their desires for 'taller than my neighbor' structures have started to irritate Chicago's most respected chimney sweep. Speaking to reporters during his busy season, the heavyset Union boss said, "This is it. I'm done after this year. I can't be expected to fit in there. I hear there are some Drones from the Amazon that charge less then me. Let them do it. Little people, I seen them. Illegals probably, gonna put me out of business. But I don't care. I'm moving to Mexico to live off my social security."
North Center

DIY Seller Shows Realtors How to Sell

Refusing to waste thousands on a Realtor, a local Ravenswood homeowner figured it couldn't be that hard to sell a home. After all, he reasoned, he'd sold plenty on Craigslist. So he boarded up the broken windows, left the broken tree limbs to cover them up, grabbed some flags from a nearby Street festival dumpster, and put up a For Sale sign previously used on his 93' Camry LE.

As of press time, a Realtor sign had been spotted along with shinier flags and pictures of the seller's agent covering the plywood windows.
Ravenswood

Nosey Neighbor Creeps Buyers Out

In Chicago, most residents, whether they be homeowners or renters, expect to see a sheer wall of brick or siding mere feet from their bedroom window. And when window meets window, the curtain drops. But in this Ukrainian Village two flat, a smarmy looking child refused to go to bed, content with flashing faux gang signs while brandishing a Vidal Sassoon bottle.
Ukrainian Village

Seller Refuses to Include Headboard in Sale

The seller of this historic Ukrainian Village worker's cottage was adamant that the "rocks is not stay." He claimed that including them "then I make price higher but nobody paying me high price of rock." The buyer assured her realtor that she'd replace them with a more tasteful glass mosaic tile.
Ukrainian Village

Parents Upset Child Can't Make More Fire

The progressive diaper free parents of two small toddlers were upset their free range children would be unable to fully explore the magic of multiple fires in their newly acquired Wicker Park worker's cottage and are now debating the implications this could have on the future success of their children.
Wicker Park

Illinois In-Laws Refuse to Live in In-Law

In an argument heard several yards away, the buyers of this Andersonville two flat were berated by their in-laws after attempting to persuade them to live in their soon to be acquired in-law cottage. "I didn't bust my behind to retirement just to take care of your kids. If you can't handle it, maybe you should stick your children in there and lock the door!" The buyers are currently interviewing nannies and directors of assisted living facilities.
Andersonville

Realtor Promises that Creepy Dolls Included

The listing agent of this Lincoln Square three flat assured all prospective buyers that the rare collection of assorted Pop icon Barbie dolls could be included in the sale price of the home, not to worry. However, she was unable to assure anybody if the roof was still leaking, or the basement remained dry, or the electric was updated, or that anything in the house worked at all.
Lincoln Square

Daughter's Pitiful Look Shows Well

In an effort to add some emotional value to their overpriced Albany Park two flat, the sellers asked their eight year old daughter to scribble sentimental notes on the wall and remain in mourning when potential buyers wanted to look in her room. The sellers did offer to leave their daughter if the buyers paid more for their furnishings.
Albany Park

SpongeBob Shows His Dirty Side

Tired of concealing the fact that his sponge is dirtier than children realize, Ukrainian Village resident Bob Yushenko, better known to those outside Chicago as SpongeBob, has made it clear to the potential buyers of his historic brick four flat that there are two ways to handle things. When the excited buyer asked SpongeBob if his kid could use the urinal, the porous pauper grunted, "not have money to do everything the two way, but I open window for your boy, go ahead."
Ukrainian Village

Hybrid Flooring Relieves Buyer's Insomnia

After viewing too many run down properties, a buyer became incapable of making a decision when the rehab seller of this Albany Park brick two flat actually offered her a choice of hardwood floors or wool carpeting. Four evenings of online research and a litany of calls to close friends and family further incapacitated the buyer. "No problem. I am make for you special floor. Maybe you like dance, and child is play on floor. I making many floor like this. Buyer like."
Albany Park

Bank Steals Tenant's Stolen Stove

The former owner of this Pilsen brick two flat, affectionately know as "the landlord", had purchased a used stove from a nearby shop specializing in used stoves that purchases their stoves from gentlemen who arrive at their store early in the morning accompanied by a shopping cart and a refreshing beverage.

When the previous owner of the building was unable to pay his mortgage due to the over borrowing of additional money against his property, his tenant, allegedly an artist, decided that she would be the caretaker of the stove, even going so far as to claim it as her very own. Now, the bank, who will not give the artist a loan, but was more than willing to loan to the previous owner, has taken ownership of the stove. As of this writing, there were gentleman, transported by a simple four wheeled vehicle, enjoying a cloaked beverage while inspecting the property.
Pilsen

Hard & Firm Snowman Scaring Buyers

Buyers have been reluctant to enter this Avondale single family home due to the imposing snow thing placed near the entry by an agent notorious for expressing his negotiation skills in various manners, including Autumn's previously erected stiff and rigid scarecrow, and last summer's impressively thick and imposing sand castle.
Avondale

Backyard Offers Stark View of Reality

The potential buyer of this Logan Square turn of the century brick two flat was surprised to discover the ominous message looming over his prospective backyard. The longtime owner noticed the buyer's look of despair and cheerily added, "Oh, don't mind that, the sponsor seems to change every decade or so, but the message is always the same."
Logan Square

Free Cookies Didn't Work at Open House

Having failed to connive potential buyers with home baked cookies, a Ukrainian Village couple, proudly selling their severely overpriced brick three flat, has resorted to giving away free alcohol in an effort to blur buyers' ability to notice smallish bedrooms, an outdated kitchen, those three elongated cracks in the ceiling, and the strong odor of wet Labrador mixed with rotting Indian food.
Ukrainian Village

Statue of Liberty Sees the Light, Finally

After two centuries of darkness, struggling with the anxieties and tumult that come with being the sole bearer of liberty, Our Fair and Balanced Lady has finally seen the light. She was abducted by the unidentified flying object from the roof of this brick Avondale three flat at approximately twenty-three hundred hours yesterday evening by resident aliens who apparently mistook Our Lady for the illegal aliens that were harboring her.
AVONDALE

Seller Gives Assurance that Everything is OK

The seller of this aging Pilsen storefront turned artist home and studio gave promising assurances that his unmaintained 123 year old building was "perfectly fine". He claimed the bathtub full of water was for his photo darkroom and the shaking floors were part of the home's charm.
Pilsen

Proud Graduate Cheated on Plumbing Finals

An enthusiastic graduate of a nearby trade school in Humboldt Park apparently stopped attending classes after the demolition lectures. However, his mom, the proud seller of this brick worker's cottage, told us he was "so very, very special" before proceeding to yell across the house, "I told you to stop swinging that thing!"
Humboldt Park