Greek Goddess of Foreclosure Turns to Stone

In yet another positive sign that the Chicago housing market is beginning to rebound, housing analysts have cited the recent Andersonville appearance of the Greek Goddess of Foreclosure as a positive indicator of growth. One well known analyst from LaSalle Street summed up his findings to NPR, "Before, she was, you know, moving, laughing, mocking the homes she appeared in front of, but now, she has returned to stone and is beginning to wither just like she did back in the early 1940's. This is good news for the economy. You can count on it."
ANDERSONVILLE

Pit Bull Not Smarter than Bank

In yet another blow to the much maligned pet, a national bank, far larger than the largest of Humboldt Park's official canine, has taken down the honor roll pouncing beast. When the sheriff was asked how he outsmarted a creature smarter than an honor roll student, he swiftly replied, "Well, the honor roll in Chicago just means your kid made it to the end of the school day."
RAVENSWOOD! (really)

7 Year Itch Affecting Avondale Couple

Finding marriage to be more difficult than previously thought, a local Chicago couple was clearly showing signs of disengagement upon the recent showing of their home. Only the brown paneling seemed to be holding them together, which they both admitted was symbolic of their failed attempts to achieve their renovation dreams.
AVONDALE

User of LSD Decides Now the Time to Sell

A frequent user of LakeShoreDrive has decided he no longer needs that over-rated route, and wants to start taking something different. When asked about the difficult decision, the seller cheerfully responded, "I'm so over LSD. The trip takes way too long. If I'm gonna use something everyday, it's gotta be a lot smoother than that. Surely Chicago has something better for me."
BRIDGEPORT

Vegan Buyers Can't Find Seitan Button

A disappointed couple looking to buy their first home in Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood was distraught that the sellers didn't think to install an oven that would suit their dietary requirements. When the seller was asked how he could make such an egregious mistake, he calmly responded, "Go f&#* yourself."
Pilsen

Local AA President Foreclosed On

A very close of friend of Bill W., known to many South Side Chicago locals as the head of their local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter, has lost his two flat due to foreclosure. Neighbors were surprised to find the living room completely empty, and further, showed complete confusion over where to hold their next AA meeting.
SOUTH SIDE

Chicago Home Offers View of Amazon

A Chicago landlord has taken measures to ensure that his tenants will no longer have to stare at the brick wall that surrounds his Albany Park multi-family. As of press time, the current tenants are enjoying the views of an Amazonian waterfall, and eagerly await the building owner's promise to offer celestial vistas and eventually deliver Rahm Emanuel's stately Ravenswood home.
ALBANY PARK