Alcoholic Discovers the Perfect Stairs

After weeks of looking at homes with perilous descents, this proud and mighty drinker was overcome with joy to encounter a basement stairway that would allow him to successfully slumber back up to bed after a night of basement boozing. The sellers of this Rogers Park bungalow even offered to throw in their safety harness for those extra special occasions.
Rogers Park

Sinkwashers Boosting Lincoln Park Prices

In an effort to increase rent, and not turn off would-be renters in one of Chicago's toniest neighborhoods, the owner of this Lincoln Park three flat has transformed his sink cabinet with a used dishwasher panel. When asked about potential tenants feeling deceived by his non-functioning dishwasher, the three flat owner tersely remarked, "I not do such thing. You not know nothing the dishwash! I am leave open drain pipe. Renter only putting dish in dishwash, then open water, and he wash dish, then take dish from dishwash CLEAN. This is dishwasher, yes? Yes, this is dishwash."
LINCOLN PARK

Owner Decides to Leave Electric Chair

The retiring owner of this Humboldt Park multi-family building has decided to bequeath his infamous electric chair to the new owners of his much beloved near Northwest side compound. When asked why he didn't want to take his electric chair with him, the owner quickly replied, "Me. No need this chair. People here sometime make problem for me. No want pay rent. I say, ok. You no pay, you come with me basement. I put them chair. They are cry like baby. One minute later they are pay me. Cash. They always have so much cash. Good building. You will like."
Humboldt Park (WEST BUCKTOWN!)

Angry Old Man Won't Let Buyers In

Despite providing him with the secret code, offering naming rights to their second born, promising to keep the pink tiles in the guest bathroom, assuring that the paneling will remain in the basement, and swearing to never turn the heat past 62, a young chipper professional couple was outraged when this stone faced curmudgeon refused to let them pass. LAKEVIEW

Dogs Prohibited from Airing in Logan Square

As neighborhoods in Chicago change, so do the expectations of residents. Logan Square and Humboldt Park were once a haven for canines who were allowed to air freely and without harassment, but as new inhabitants stake claim to the once public parkways, dogs are finding it increasingly difficult to aire.
Logan Square / Humboldt Park

Mysterious Electrical Fire Baffles Everyone

After accepting a contractor who not only offered the lowest bid, but assured the owners he could do work without a permit, a Pilsen family is still trying to discover why a fire erupted in their kitchen while microwaving dinner while blowdrying the children's hair while toasting some stale bread. PILSEN

Junkmail Protests Lead to Bigger Peepholes

More Chicago residents are joining the growing junkmail protest movement erupting throughout the country by removing their mailboxes. Some northside owners and tenants have noted the added benefit of a large security window. One resident commented, "Now I don't even open the gate. Pizza man just put the pizza in the mailbox, and Boom, I get my food, and he don't get in my place. Never did trust that pizza man." Albany Park

Lion King Loses Crown

The Lion King has recently been spotted around Logan Square, the fourth such sighting in the last week, but unfortunately his crown has been displaced and he is asking for your assistance in returning it. No mention of an award was mentioned but he appeared open to negotiation. LOGAN SQUARE

The Hulk Attacks Another Bungalow

Homesellers have had to contend with the harmful effects of foreclosures, short sales, and a nervous buying public. And now a new threat has extended the agony. A buyer calling himself Mr. Hulk has been making his way to open houses in the Chicago area, last seen running through this brick wall in the Bridgeport neighborhood. If you or someone you know sees him, authorities are asking that you stay far away. But a contractor named Mishka is asking that anyone coming across this Mr. Hulk call him immediately because his demo guy has been missing for the last week. BRIDGEPORT

Bank Forces Homeowner to Play William Tell

An investigator for a large national bank showed up at this Logan Square two flat last week, bearing a crossbow and painted the dreaded Burroughs Circle on the kitchen wall before asking the borrower to assume the position and verify one more time if he's actually been unemployed for three years or has chosen not to work and live rent free. The home appeared vacant upon inspection with the buyers noting the strong smell of "something rotting."
LOGAN SQUARE

Government Regulating Dirty Laundry

In an effort to attract more homebuyers to assist the banks in alleviating their increasing foreclosure stock, the federal government has recently passed the SLOPPI(Soiled Laundry OMG Prevents Purchaser's Interest) Bill to assuage potential buyers fears that discarded clothing articles will become inherited fixtures. Violators, who refuse to place a visible barricade no closer than 32 inches from the offending pile, are urged to be reported to the SLOPPI hotline, 800-RU-SLOPI.
ROGERS PARK

Seller Keeps Forgetting Her Name

After years of forgetting what people called her, the owner of this quaint northside home decided she would trade her notorious brooches for a rainbow assortment of easy-to-remove adhesive identifiers that required minimal storage space in her coat closet.
ANDERSONVILLE

Foreclosures Going Green

Riding the wave of Green euphoria sweeping the nation, banks have recently decided to provide green energy to their abandoned dilapidated uncared for properties so that prospective buyers will have solar powered lighting to witness the complete destruction caused by the bank's fine managerial practices.
BRIDGEPORT

Optical Illusion Turns Out to Not Be

Two windows for the price of one. Some contractors are now offering this special throughout the Southside for value oriented consumers. They plan on launching a similar program for doors in the Spring.
Bridgeport

Owners Suspected of Sacrificing...Something

The prospective buyers of this Lincoln Square greystone tried desperately to figure out why there were bones and fabric around the fireplace. When asked if they wanted to take another look at the new master suite addition, they responded with a curt, "No, this is much more interesting."
LINCOLN SQUARE