Junkmail Protests Lead to Bigger Peepholes

More Chicago residents are joining the growing junkmail protest movement erupting throughout the country by removing their mailboxes. Some northside owners and tenants have noted the added benefit of a large security window. One resident commented, "Now I don't even open the gate. Pizza man just put the pizza in the mailbox, and Boom, I get my food, and he don't get in my place. Never did trust that pizza man." Albany Park

Lion King Loses Crown

The Lion King has recently been spotted around Logan Square, the fourth such sighting in the last week, but unfortunately his crown has been displaced and he is asking for your assistance in returning it. No mention of an award was mentioned but he appeared open to negotiation. LOGAN SQUARE

The Hulk Attacks Another Bungalow

Homesellers have had to contend with the harmful effects of foreclosures, short sales, and a nervous buying public. And now a new threat has extended the agony. A buyer calling himself Mr. Hulk has been making his way to open houses in the Chicago area, last seen running through this brick wall in the Bridgeport neighborhood. If you or someone you know sees him, authorities are asking that you stay far away. But a contractor named Mishka is asking that anyone coming across this Mr. Hulk call him immediately because his demo guy has been missing for the last week. BRIDGEPORT

Sellers Turn on Their Lovelight for Earth Day

Homesellers across unincorporated sections of West Bucktown, known to some locals as Humboldt Park, have coordinated their love for Earth this weekend, by letting their lovelights shine.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Fireplace Wars set to Replace Cupcake Wars

HGTV has recently announced that it will have a new reality show centered around fireplace competitions marketing itself with the tagline, "We'll burn your cupcakes...with our electric fireplaces."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Tenants Threaten to Use Squirting Faucet

Upset that their landlord didn't notify them about an impending eviction due to foreclosure, despite collecting their generous section 8 vouchers every month, the tenants of this Logan Square four flat left lethal warnings throughout the property that visitors may be attacked with a very long squirting faucet, one of the many things their former landlord refused to touch.
LOGAN SQUARE

4 Dimensional Room Leaves Buyers Stranded

As of presstime, the buyers are still there.
AVONDALE

Hieroglyphs Found. Buyers Delighted.

A young Chicago couple, purchasing their first home in the city's West Town neighborhood, was overcome with enthusiastic glee upon discovering ancient wall writings depicting life for the building's former inhabitants. The wife was overheard telling her bewildered husband, "they wanted us to enjoy their toilet seat since they were moving to a smaller home."
WEST TOWN

Drunk Radiator Man Screws Up Again

That one really inexpensive radiator guy people love to call for simple heating repairs has done it again. When the landlord noticed his radiators on the ceiling, he simply shrugged and said, "he always do such things, but for that price, what to do? Tenant no can say anything. Look. You see. Still hot."
LOGAN SQUARE

In-Laws Prevented From Coming Up

After several months of late night kitchen snacking in the buff interruptions, numerous unsolicited opinions on how to best grow his business, and several instances of hard to recover remotes, an Albany Park homeowner has decided to permanently cut off his In-Laws access to his first floor living space. The owner has been selling his house with the tagline, "finally, a Chicago 'in-law' that keeps them where they belong!"
ALBANY PARK

Bank Forces Homeowner to Play William Tell

An investigator for a large national bank showed up at this Logan Square two flat last week, bearing a crossbow and painted the dreaded Burroughs Circle on the kitchen wall before asking the borrower to assume the position and verify one more time if he's actually been unemployed for three years or has chosen not to work and live rent free. The home appeared vacant upon inspection with the buyers noting the strong smell of "something rotting."
LOGAN SQUARE

Voice From Above Told Him To Do It

A stately gentleman in a University of Wisconsin sweatshirt and a delicate pair of fraying sandals was discovered early today, on this Ukrainian Village porch, sprawled on his back, mumbling incoherently as he pointed to the ceiling, "up there, the voice, he told me to go away, that he didn't want to see me. Did you know that God's a woman?"
Ukrainian Village

Army of Little People Vanishes

A small but powerful band of marauding little people, last seen entering a dwarfish door in this abandoned Wicker Park 3 flat has not been seen in over a week despite the odd glow neighbors have reported seeing through the crumbling attic windows. Anyone with information is requested to call the Little People Motorbike Association immediately.
WICKER PARK

What is Behind that Red Leather Door?

Potential buyers of this Bucktown multi-unit are being asked if they are interested in entering a raffle to guess what is behind the locked red leather door for a chance to win a free furnace cleaning and one year of free furnace filters should they purchase the several hundred thousand dollar property.
BUCKTOWN

Alcoholic Buyer Re-thinks His Habits

Having loudly exclaimed, "that's the coolest f$@kin staircase I've ever seen" a local alcoholic buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, then quickly retorted to himself, "guess this means my drink days may be over" but his frown was quickly resuscitated by the rays of light shining on a tall water pipe structure, visible in the distance with a smiling skull encompassing it's base.
BUCKTOWN

Window Restrained For Continued Outbursts

An unruly window in a Bros occupied Wicker Park three flat was forced into submission by one Bro who could be heard yelling to his Bromate, "Bro, I'm tired of finding the window in the gangway when I come home from the gym." "Sorry bro", was meekly uttered from the rear bedroom over the drone of heated ESPN analysis.
WICKER PARK

Dutch Woman Last Seen on Roof

An elderly Dutch woman, alleged to be Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas, was last seen on her northwest side bungalow roof, attempting to complete her monthly moth ball distribution. Anyone who may have seen Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas should contact the Association for Lost Dutch Grandmothers making sure to note exact clog size.
PORTAGE PARK

Organic Juice Lady Targets Cobra Drinkers

Local crazy Juice woman known to many locals as "that crazy Juice woman" has elevated her campaign to get Humboldt Park residents to drink healthy yummy organic locally pressed non pasteurized fair trade juice. She is calling her new campaign, "40's for Juice" and is imploring locals currently residing in the park to trade in their favorite malt liquor bottles and receive "a forty that won't need a paper bag."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Bank Lovingly Provides Caretaker's Bedroom

Devastated by a wave of vandalism that has been dragging down the already below market prices of bank owned foreclosures, especially here in Chicago, banks have begun providing incentives for tenants or caretakers to remain in the property in order to maintain the appearance of a home in liveable condition.
ROGERS PARK

Seller Brags About New Shower Seat

Taking over tour duties for his slack realtor, the excitable seller of this Jefferson Park two flat raved about the health benefits he has received over the years from enjoying extended showers sitting upright on his homemade therapeutic resting spot, one he affectionately called his "little wet pole".
JEFFERSON PARK