Spurned Seller Ruins the Halloween Spirit

A Bowmanville homeowner dismayed at the high prices buyers are paying for homes in his neighborhood decided to offend loyalists of America's largest two political parties mistakenly assuming said leaders and their adherents were the cause for the removal of affordable housing stock in this newly desirable enclave hidden between Lincoln Square and Andersonville. It was later revealed that the true reason the sourpuss could not simply stick upside down witches' legs in his yard like everybody else was due to the fact that no buyer would pay him the Redfin estimate for his home.
Bowmanville

Home Prices Plummet due to Plant Vandals

Andersonville residents will tolerate a lot. But not when it comes to plant abuse. Someone or something has been targeting plants located on the parkway, sometimes known legally as Property of the City of Chicago, Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Homeowners are being urged to electrocute their parkways (aka 'the swale'), but some home buyers feel that things may never turn around, instead opting for the suburbs, where the lack of parkways and sidewalks ensure a dog will never need a walk and a resident can happily drive to their neighbor's place.
Andersonville

Lincoln Square Alcoholics Celebrate Winter

Refusing to give in to Polar Vortexes and Global Cooling, a coterie of Lincoln Square residents, who casually drink six nights a week but definitely do not have a drinking problem, have been gathering around the Yule Pole of a recently listed property to enjoy bottles of Skyy Vodka. The owner of the aging Victorian has welcomed any activity that prevents buyers from realizing he has resided in the home for twenty years without spending a dime on property maintenance.
Lincoln Square

Condo Board Declares Van an Eyesore

In a move widely lauded by the residents of that new construction condo building on West Lawrence that looks like every other new construction condo building in Chicago, the Condo Board mandated the immediate removal of the "crazy black van" because it detracted from the ornate architecture of their building. Various home insurance companies are now competing for the high visibility parking spot.
Mayfair

Fervent Democrat Accepts New Bathroom

After years as a "green" girl, with green linens, and green dresses and a crush on Nader, and even a green car, the buyer of this Logan Square bungalow has decided that her unyielding support for the Democratic party should extend to the bathroom. She told this to all who would listen after receiving the $12,000 bill to completely remodel it.
Logan Square

Upset Tenant Posts Subliminal Messages

Obviously upset about the pending sale of her current Lincoln Square residence, a disgruntled tenant let it be known that danger lurked in the pipes below. In a re-assuring effort, the seller's realtor drank a glass of water from the kitchen tap. She has not been seen since.
Lincoln Square

Walls Oozing Ooze

A mysterious yellow substance was discovered in the rear porch of this Avondale two flat but the buyers were put at ease when told that the "walls only do that in winter, you'll hardly notice any come summer."
Avondale

Campaigns Keep Calling Abandoned House

On the holiest political day of the year, even the ghostly victims (perpetrators) of the foreclosure crisis were not immune from last minute campaign pitches clamoring against the Marxist Muslim or the Machiavellian Mormon. But the empty Victorian sat silently, adorned by hacked off copper pipes and faded Tribunes screaming something about some brothers in a meltdown, The Lehmans.
Logan Square

Obama Math Initiatives Paying Off

Years of poor quality Chicago rehabs may be coming to an end. Recent evidence obtained from an Avondale brick two flat suggests that workers doing affordable renovation work, often with limited education and disputable residency status, have been taking advantage of government programs to ensure they have the necessary mathematical skills to compete in today's highly competitive and mathematical world.
AVONDALE

Family Stashing Cheetos in Bathroom

Inspired by the popular weight-loss programs dominating prime time television, a local Logan Square family has decided to re-locate their food storage to a less convenient snacking location. However, it should be noted that the bathroom was occupied for the first twenty minutes of a recent visit. The prospective buyers were surprised to enter a completely odorless and moisture free space.
Logan Square

ComEd Provides Buddhas to Boost Energy Use

Concerned over the growing 'green' movement,and its advocacy of less energy consumption, local electric provider ComEd has decided to utilize the alleged leader of all things conscientious, the esteemed Siddhartha Buddha, a.k.a "that fat smiling guy, Jimmy". ComEd customers can now go to the company's website and request that a service representative come to the billing address and affix a Buddha sculpture within six to eight inches of their thermostat. ComEd officials are also considering the dispersal of other encouraging statues, including but not limited to Jesus H. Christ, Al Gore, Jerry Garcia, and Pamela Anderson.
JEFFERSON PARK

Banks Putting the Unemployed to Work

Whether it's increased federal regulation or a growing conscience for the plight of the nation's least fortunate, banks have begun hiring the jobless to paint foreclosed properties, and as of today, May 9th, both parties appear very content with the results. HUMBOLDT PARK

Chicago Sells Off Sidewalks to Hasbro

In his continued push to allow the private sector to control elements of Chicago's infrastructure, the Mayor has begun leasing sections of Chicago's highly prized sidewalks.

Some residents have already begun complaining that walking on certain portions of the leased sidewalk could mean an immediate trip to jail. And a few keen eyes have noted that the promised 'free parking' is nothing more than a gimmick since the one available spot is always occupied by a mysterious black van. One member of the city's highly influential government subsidized population was excited about the prospect of gaining 200 dollars for "nothing more than walking around the block." AVONDALE

Loner Son Unhappy About Brother's Success

While touring potential buyers through his deceased parent's century old Pilsen worker's cottage, the son of the estate pointed to the wall and declared, "Look at that huge painting of my older brother and his stupid wife that everyone thinks is so amazing and their stupid little castle in Europe. And then me, with only that little photo. My parents never understood me. I hope you buy this place so I can get back to the desert and away from all this stuff."
PILSEN

Little People Have Bad Taste Too

Long immune from aesthetic critique due to the difficulty in adapting to everyday tall people situations, little people are now facing the wrath of HGTV couch critics who have deplored the latest trend in little people showers as "It wasn't 80's trash for just the tall people."
BRIDGEPORT

Hieroglyphs Found. Buyers Delighted.

A young Chicago couple, purchasing their first home in the city's West Town neighborhood, was overcome with enthusiastic glee upon discovering ancient wall writings depicting life for the building's former inhabitants. The wife was overheard telling her bewildered husband, "they wanted us to enjoy their toilet seat since they were moving to a smaller home."
WEST TOWN

Army of Little People Vanishes

A small but powerful band of marauding little people, last seen entering a dwarfish door in this abandoned Wicker Park 3 flat has not been seen in over a week despite the odd glow neighbors have reported seeing through the crumbling attic windows. Anyone with information is requested to call the Little People Motorbike Association immediately.
WICKER PARK

Window Restrained For Continued Outbursts

An unruly window in a Bros occupied Wicker Park three flat was forced into submission by one Bro who could be heard yelling to his Bromate, "Bro, I'm tired of finding the window in the gangway when I come home from the gym." "Sorry bro", was meekly uttered from the rear bedroom over the drone of heated ESPN analysis.
WICKER PARK

Bathroom Escape Hatches Gaining Popularity

Developers and Remodelers in Chicago are responding to growing homeowner demand to provide washroom facilities that allow users to exit through a backdoor in order to avoid issues that may result from the user's recent breakdown at dinner over her husband's inappropriate use of a salad fork to eat his steak, or itching desire to escape the constant nagging of her mother-in-law, or simply to allow the Indian dinner to air itself naturally.
RAVENSWOOD

Owners Suspected of Sacrificing...Something

The prospective buyers of this Lincoln Square greystone tried desperately to figure out why there were bones and fabric around the fireplace. When asked if they wanted to take another look at the new master suite addition, they responded with a curt, "No, this is much more interesting."
LINCOLN SQUARE