Buyer Tries to Sneak Nap on Grannie's Bed

A buyer circled Granma's attic resting spot over and over, tempted by the sweet smells of starch, moth balls, and childhood memories. Only when the elderly seller of this Northside Chicago bungalow came upstairs did the buyer ask, "Is the bed included in the sale?"
Mayfair

Makers of Simon Create Keyless Door

After years of lackluster sales and declining market position due to the advent of, well, pretty much everything, the manufacturers of the formerly popular game Simon have introduced their highly praised keyless windowless penitentiary door to Chicago. Users will no longer have to worry about losing their keys, but inebriation, medication, or life may cause them difficulty in remembering the complex color codes needed to open Fannie Mae's steel gauntlet to their light-free homes.
Ukrainian Village

Montessori Says Creativity Must Have Limits

Montessori officials allegedly are not taking kindly to the growing Montefiore movement in Chicago, an affordable charter alternative to the pricey educational offerings of Montessori. One official was overheard stating that "those guys should just be called the M.F'ers. Nobody discounts Montessori. They'll always be McDowell's to us!"
Chicago

Brick Union Now Known as Wallpaper Union

What's happened to Chicago's famed brick walls, a fixture in the city for over one hundred years? Some blame the rising popularity of the vomit face block used in many new construction dwellings, while others keep shouting, "It's the banks" or "It's cause of China." Union reps and Builders have all taken notice, and are now offering homeowners tuckpoint-free brick for interiors, promising easy sponge cleaning and a look just guaranteed to impress.
Bridgeport (where else?)

Going Green: Seller Makes Dubious Claim

In an effort to appeal to the Green Generation, more homesellers are deciding to support their homes with fallen utility poles, rather than Chinese made metal products. When this seller was asked what he planned on doing about the other 27 missing structural supports, he said, "Being GREEN ain't easy, ya know. It takes time, and patience, but in the end, use get a good product, ya know." Seconds later the Buyer was seen fleeing from the organic basement.
Pilsen

Renegade Jewish Stenciler Strikes Again

In a trend sweeping Chicago's foreclosures, low budget Jewish graffiti artists are decorating abandoned walls. Some speculate that this is actually an insidious strategy to deter the anti-semitic buying population from purchasing, and drive down prices. A spokesperson for the Jewish stencil gang allegedly claimed his group only uses blue Stars of David, and suggested concerned parties contact the local Satanist gangs who utilize the same star. When told there was no evidence of blood, Lucifer's spokesperson claimed, "nope, not ours. Check the Rastas." Still waiting for their response...
West Town

Couple Foreclosed On for Bad Taste

During a meeting with a Citibank loan officer regarding the possible restructuring of a Logan Square couple's mortgage, the bank official was overhead yelling, "Are you kidding me? You've got to be f#@k'n kidding me! The reason you haven't been able to sell your home in two and half years is because nobody wants to buy a rotting frame house with walls covered in fake gold paneling! But, can I interest you in a 0% transfer offer on our new CitiForeClosez credit card?"
Logan Square

Buyers Kept Awake by Strange Ceiling

Despite finding two other appealing homes, a Chicago couple spent the night arguing and googling about what could have been on the ceiling in that one Northside two flat that they had no intention of buying. Sculpted metal? Antique tin panel ceiling? Papier-mâché? An elaborate water leak cover-up? The work of an alien race?
Old Irving Park

Dawgs Refuse Banks' Bones for Keys Offer

After twenty-one months of missed mortgage payments, failed loan modifications, and refusals to answer automated phone calls, this Northside family of twenty-six Croatian Dalmations was offered a lucrative Bones for Keys incentive to politely exit their dwelling. After some heated barkuments, the family decided they would rather live rent free then give up their doodie-when-we-want-how-we-want home for a two week supply of low quality Purina dog bones.
EDGEWATER

Electricians Take Bribes from da Limbo Union

Seen as a sign of the ever growing powers of the Limbo Union in Chicago, electricians have been exposing their metal piping in doorways throughout the city in an effort to abide by the Limbo Union's stated mission of getting citizens to re-gain an appreciation for America's favorite birthday party ritual, and in turn put many out of work limbo stick holders, dancers, manufacturers, distributors, & mc's back to work. How low can YOU go?
Pilsen

Foreclosed Owner Aligns Himself with Greece

Greece's impending economic implosion is being met with genuine empathy by certain foreclosed Chicago homeowners, who know all too well the tragic results of fiscal irresponsibility. But the same owners are expressing hope, since two years of zero mortgage payments have left their eager bank accounts ready for the purchase of a lovely whitewashed island cottage on Santorini, complete with a hot dog souvlaki food truck.
LOGAN SQUARE

Chicago Decriminalizes Burlap Curtains

The Chicago City Council narrowly approved an ordinance that will allow residential homeowners to cover up to eight windows with burlap bags. The Federal government has so far not commented on whether it will enforce federal anti-burlap curtain laws. Meanwhile, the City Council continues to consider risky legislation as they get ready to vote on banning plastic nickel, dime and quarter bags that litter city streets, or whether they will ask vendors to charge customers a premium to help deter usage.
Avondale