In-Laws Prevented From Coming Up

After several months of late night kitchen snacking in the buff interruptions, numerous unsolicited opinions on how to best grow his business, and several instances of hard to recover remotes, an Albany Park homeowner has decided to permanently cut off his In-Laws access to his first floor living space. The owner has been selling his house with the tagline, "finally, a Chicago 'in-law' that keeps them where they belong!"
ALBANY PARK

Bank Forces Homeowner to Play William Tell

An investigator for a large national bank showed up at this Logan Square two flat last week, bearing a crossbow and painted the dreaded Burroughs Circle on the kitchen wall before asking the borrower to assume the position and verify one more time if he's actually been unemployed for three years or has chosen not to work and live rent free. The home appeared vacant upon inspection with the buyers noting the strong smell of "something rotting."
LOGAN SQUARE

Child Scared of New Bedroom

While shopping for an affordable home in the Lakeview neighborhood, a couple excitedly told their six year old child, "this is going to be the best bedroom ever", before the husband whispered to his wife, "is this really how we have to live for him to attend a good public school in Chicago?"
LAKEVIEW (Bell School District!!!!! Yeah!)

Dumbbell Asked To Do Something For Once

An abandoned dumbbell was asked to pull it's weight after freeloading in this Bucktown attic for the last half century. Dumbbell has been asking if he's free to go yet.
BUCKTOWN

Voice From Above Told Him To Do It

A stately gentleman in a University of Wisconsin sweatshirt and a delicate pair of fraying sandals was discovered early today, on this Ukrainian Village porch, sprawled on his back, mumbling incoherently as he pointed to the ceiling, "up there, the voice, he told me to go away, that he didn't want to see me. Did you know that God's a woman?"
Ukrainian Village

Army of Little People Vanishes

A small but powerful band of marauding little people, last seen entering a dwarfish door in this abandoned Wicker Park 3 flat has not been seen in over a week despite the odd glow neighbors have reported seeing through the crumbling attic windows. Anyone with information is requested to call the Little People Motorbike Association immediately.
WICKER PARK

What is Behind that Red Leather Door?

Potential buyers of this Bucktown multi-unit are being asked if they are interested in entering a raffle to guess what is behind the locked red leather door for a chance to win a free furnace cleaning and one year of free furnace filters should they purchase the several hundred thousand dollar property.
BUCKTOWN

Alcoholic Buyer Re-thinks His Habits

Having loudly exclaimed, "that's the coolest f$@kin staircase I've ever seen" a local alcoholic buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, then quickly retorted to himself, "guess this means my drink days may be over" but his frown was quickly resuscitated by the rays of light shining on a tall water pipe structure, visible in the distance with a smiling skull encompassing it's base.
BUCKTOWN

Window Restrained For Continued Outbursts

An unruly window in a Bros occupied Wicker Park three flat was forced into submission by one Bro who could be heard yelling to his Bromate, "Bro, I'm tired of finding the window in the gangway when I come home from the gym." "Sorry bro", was meekly uttered from the rear bedroom over the drone of heated ESPN analysis.
WICKER PARK

Southside Basement Devastated by Vandalism

The owners of this Bridgeport two flat pleaded with potential buyers to avoid going in the basement, claiming imminent danger for those who descended. Upon returning from the lower level, the sellers were seen with heads hung in shame, a Sox flag hanging at half mast flapping behind them.
BRIDGEPORT

Embarrassed Walls Melting in Protest

Suffering from the humiliation of it's curtain being forcefully removed by disgruntled tenants, this Albany Park shower has slowly begun the disintegration process. It has requested that anybody willing to save it consider those really neat glass mosaic tiles, otherwise please replace curtain immediately.
Albany Park

Grout Lined Granite is All the Rage

Remodelers and Developers continue to set trends in housing by offering the one thing a buyer should care about: Quality Countertops. In their latest effort to offer the prospective homebuyer comfort and luxury, builders are altering the previous decade's demand for smooth granite with the more contrasting feel of grout lined granite, formerly known as TILE. And all this is available right now, for the same price as the less desirable grout free granite.
AVONDALE

Plumber Forgets to put Pipes Behind Wall

Worried he might be late to his weekly Weight Watchers meeting, a plumber in this Logan Square Victorian hurriedly assembled his copper plumbing pipes and rejoiced when he turned the water back on and discovered no leaks. Mysteriously, the plumber nor the contractor have returned to the home to retrieve the remainder of their tools. The owner has been highlighting the odd piping structure as a Green way to warm and dry your towels while enjoying the luxury of hot toilet paper.
LOGAN SQUARE