Direct Vent Toilet Fan a Big Hit

Tired of the inefficiencies of his standard bathroom exhaust fan, a crafty Ukrainian Village home seller came up with a solution to put Glade out of business. He proudly told one potential home buyer, "Before, even after three minute, very bad smell, yes, but now you spend maybe one hour, and still yes smelling like the new."
Ukrainian Village

Cable Keeps Clothes Dry & Supports Building

A Wicker Park family faced a dilemma with their two flat: they wanted to Go Green for their lovely son yet not spend money. So instead of replacing their broken dryer or destroying their crumbling rear porch, they devised a solution to make natural fabric dryers and indoor zipliners jealous. Surprisingly, the family has abandoned the property.
Wicker Park

Free Range Chicken Enjoying Captivity

The tenants of this Edgewater three flat decided that their backyard chicken might enjoy the indoors for the winter. After initial disappointment at the lack of space, the formerly free ranging chicken has really taken to his new environs, enjoying such delicacies as peanut butter, soy sauce, mild mango salsa, a variety of Hormel products and finely aged half eaten pizza.
Edgewater

RePurpose ChildProofing Not Serving Purpose

A Logan Square couple, enthusiastic about their recent success in repurposing old truck tires into a patio table thought they would use their new found artistic frugality to prevent their three year old child from falling over the low porch railing. Oddly, and perhaps fortunately, it was the couple's inebriated friend Jimbo who took the sixteen foot plunge rather than the little one.
Logan Square

DIY and OMG Forming Partnership

A Lakeview homeowner came home one inebriated afternoon from Wrigley and decided to renovate her shower. The Ku-Ku Cubbie decided to work straight through the evening before eventually passing out on the bathroom floor. She was awoken from her roommate, apparently unable to figure out how to use the new shower, who sent a alarm ringing text message,"WTF!"
Lakeview

Nostalgia Growing for Bush in Chicago

After a year of failed attempts by their elected leader to plunder the Unions, some Chicagoans are missing their favorite anti-proletariat politician of the last decade.
Little Italy

Seller Blames Virgin on His Short Sale

A despondent seller of a Bridgeport two flat, and former patron of St. Mary's Church, blamed the misguided advice he received from Mother Mary on the excessive home equity loans he took out on his family's historic compound that have led to his unwanted short sale situation.
BRIDGEPORT

Fervent Democrat Accepts New Bathroom

After years as a "green" girl, with green linens, and green dresses and a crush on Nader, and even a green car, the buyer of this Logan Square bungalow has decided that her unyielding support for the Democratic party should extend to the bathroom. She told this to all who would listen after receiving the $12,000 bill to completely remodel it.
Logan Square

Upset Tenant Posts Subliminal Messages

Obviously upset about the pending sale of her current Lincoln Square residence, a disgruntled tenant let it be known that danger lurked in the pipes below. In a re-assuring effort, the seller's realtor drank a glass of water from the kitchen tap. She has not been seen since.
Lincoln Square

Walls Oozing Ooze

A mysterious yellow substance was discovered in the rear porch of this Avondale two flat but the buyers were put at ease when told that the "walls only do that in winter, you'll hardly notice any come summer."
Avondale

Seller Gives Assurance that Everything is OK

The seller of this aging Pilsen storefront turned artist home and studio gave promising assurances that his unmaintained 123 year old building was "perfectly fine". He claimed the bathtub full of water was for his photo darkroom and the shaking floors were part of the home's charm.
Pilsen

Bank Asks Cat to Guard Historic Fireplace

After allowing tens of thousands of properties in the Chicago area to remain improperly secured, the nation's banks have decided they should start protecting the valuable items that remain inside the foreclosed dwellings. In this bank owned Edgewater two flat, security was lovingly provided by a feral cat, most likely belonging to the former owner who abandoned her for a quaint beach home in Honduras that she bought with her over-mortgaged home equity loan.
Edgewater

Campaigns Keep Calling Abandoned House

On the holiest political day of the year, even the ghostly victims (perpetrators) of the foreclosure crisis were not immune from last minute campaign pitches clamoring against the Marxist Muslim or the Machiavellian Mormon. But the empty Victorian sat silently, adorned by hacked off copper pipes and faded Tribunes screaming something about some brothers in a meltdown, The Lehmans.
Logan Square

Hermosa Residents Not Welcoming Yuppies

In an effort to prevent outsiders from thinking they can just move in, throw up large fences, and properly maintain their properties, Hermosa residents let their wishes be known today by adorning their homes with ancient deities attributed to Mayan conquests, despite the fact that the "yuppies" won their too.
HERMOSA

Seller Displays Brains of His Children

In the continued quest of young American parents to highlight the exceptionalism of their little ones, a Lincoln Square couple has framed the above average sized brains of their two lovely children complemented by their equally above average size hearts. The estate sale also includes a rare coffee table constructed with the limbs of the family's beloved golden retriever, Gimpy.
Lincoln Square

Obama Math Initiatives Paying Off

Years of poor quality Chicago rehabs may be coming to an end. Recent evidence obtained from an Avondale brick two flat suggests that workers doing affordable renovation work, often with limited education and disputable residency status, have been taking advantage of government programs to ensure they have the necessary mathematical skills to compete in today's highly competitive and mathematical world.
AVONDALE

Retro Tiles Vie to Remain in Bath Remodel

Two distinctly vintage tiles battled passionately for the love of a new Logan Square homeowner, who was meeting with her contractor to discuss plans for her bathroom remodel. The new buyer admitted she was torn over which funky vintage tile to choose, as they each manipulated the afternooon light to gain her favor. The contractor simply stated, "No good. Very old. I bring new tile. Many people love. You love it too. I am going. Thank you."
Logan Square

Proud Graduate Cheated on Plumbing Finals

An enthusiastic graduate of a nearby trade school in Humboldt Park apparently stopped attending classes after the demolition lectures. However, his mom, the proud seller of this brick worker's cottage, told us he was "so very, very special" before proceeding to yell across the house, "I told you to stop swinging that thing!"
Humboldt Park

Family Stashing Cheetos in Bathroom

Inspired by the popular weight-loss programs dominating prime time television, a local Logan Square family has decided to re-locate their food storage to a less convenient snacking location. However, it should be noted that the bathroom was occupied for the first twenty minutes of a recent visit. The prospective buyers were surprised to enter a completely odorless and moisture free space.
Logan Square

Sheepish Buyer Admits He Likes It

After weeks of walking through vintage two flats with their ornate wood trim, and perfectly worn hardwood floors, and then a new round of searching 1920's bungalows with their huge barren attics and stained glass windows, this home buyer looked up and meekly blurted, "that, over there, maybe we should just see that thing. It, it, uh, might be kind of cool."
Ukrainian Village

Drunk Roommate Asleep in Closet

The tenants of this Humboldt Park three flat were asked by the building's owner to show potential buyers around their apartment. Unfortunately, due to acute intoxication, one tenant wasn't capable of pointing out the highlights of her bedroom. At least not while we were visiting.
Humboldt Park

Clean Everything in One Sitting

The rehabber of this Logan Square two flat told us he was proud to finally be able to offer a place where people can multi-task in sanitary tranquility. "You see, what we have here is da future of da batroom. While use doin' your bizness, you can be brushin' dose teeth and bathin' dose feet all at da same time. Smart, right?"
Logan Square

Just in Case

When the homeseller of this northwest side bungalow was asked why she had so many toilet paper rolls in their bathroom, she politely responded, "just in case." From the down the hall, an older man could be heard yelling, "cause she uses half a roll every time she goes in there!"
Mayfair

Plastic Bags are the New Subway Tiles

Tired of being like everybody else, some homeowners are forgoing the trendy subway wall tiles and even glass mosaics for a more eco-friendly aesthetic. One homeseller summed it up to the buyers of her Logan Square two flat as, "there are just too many plastic bags littering our streets, and not many people know they are waterproof, so why give money to those huge tile conglomerates, when we should all just re-cycle, re-use and re-shower."
Logan Square

Dryer Vent Union Encourages Healthy Eating

In their bid to make Local 219, Union of Dryer Vent & Exhaust Fan Workers, an example for the expanding girth of fellow Union Brothers, the Dryer Vent Union has been leaving remnants of their lunch behind in a concerted effort to promote the healthy changes that Union workers are making to reduce health care costs while ensuring that your lint has immediate access to the outdoors. Ravenswood

Bi-Polar Seller Offers Conflicting Sales Pitch

The Seller of this Lincoln Square two flat has assured all buyers that they will absolutely love her restored 1920's brick building, that is, if they are even willing to knock on her front door.
Lincoln Square

Child Still Missing

While their parents explored a brick turn of the century two flat in Chicago's Logan Square neighborhood, two adventurous children decided to play hide and go seek. One child is still hiding.
Logan Square

Dead Linoleum Salesman Leaves Treasure

Prospective buyers to this Lincoln Square bungalow were treated to an awesome display of mid to late 20th century vinyl flooring. Available immediately were 1955's famed sunburst yellow herringbone design and 1973's notorious Serpico Brown.
Lincoln Square

Owner Decides to Leave Electric Chair

The retiring owner of this Humboldt Park multi-family building has decided to bequeath his infamous electric chair to the new owners of his much beloved near Northwest side compound. When asked why he didn't want to take his electric chair with him, the owner quickly replied, "Me. No need this chair. People here sometime make problem for me. No want pay rent. I say, ok. You no pay, you come with me basement. I put them chair. They are cry like baby. One minute later they are pay me. Cash. They always have so much cash. Good building. You will like."
Humboldt Park (WEST BUCKTOWN!)

Agent Can't Find Bathroom Fan

After spending the better part of seven minutes trying to locate the bathroom fan, known to millions worldwide as "the cover-up device", the listing agent of this Wicker Park worker's cottage apologized profusely, stating "I wouldn't want to use a bathroom without a fan either. I promise you the owner will fix this."
Wicker Park

Boiler Enjoying New Hair Care Products

After experiencing a near melt-down with a value size can of AquaNet, this SouthSide boiler has recently switched to the more soothing, and safer, styling gel, choosing Walgreens brand because he exclaimed, "it's all the same sh#t, just like these brick two flats, just depends on how you use them."
Bridgeport

Greek Goddess of Foreclosure Turns to Stone

In yet another positive sign that the Chicago housing market is beginning to rebound, housing analysts have cited the recent Andersonville appearance of the Greek Goddess of Foreclosure as a positive indicator of growth. One well known analyst from LaSalle Street summed up his findings to NPR, "Before, she was, you know, moving, laughing, mocking the homes she appeared in front of, but now, she has returned to stone and is beginning to wither just like she did back in the early 1940's. This is good news for the economy. You can count on it."
ANDERSONVILLE

Pit Bull Not Smarter than Bank

In yet another blow to the much maligned pet, a national bank, far larger than the largest of Humboldt Park's official canine, has taken down the honor roll pouncing beast. When the sheriff was asked how he outsmarted a creature smarter than an honor roll student, he swiftly replied, "Well, the honor roll in Chicago just means your kid made it to the end of the school day."
RAVENSWOOD! (really)

7 Year Itch Affecting Avondale Couple

Finding marriage to be more difficult than previously thought, a local Chicago couple was clearly showing signs of disengagement upon the recent showing of their home. Only the brown paneling seemed to be holding them together, which they both admitted was symbolic of their failed attempts to achieve their renovation dreams.
AVONDALE

User of LSD Decides Now the Time to Sell

A frequent user of LakeShoreDrive has decided he no longer needs that over-rated route, and wants to start taking something different. When asked about the difficult decision, the seller cheerfully responded, "I'm so over LSD. The trip takes way too long. If I'm gonna use something everyday, it's gotta be a lot smoother than that. Surely Chicago has something better for me."
BRIDGEPORT

Vegan Buyers Can't Find Seitan Button

A disappointed couple looking to buy their first home in Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood was distraught that the sellers didn't think to install an oven that would suit their dietary requirements. When the seller was asked how he could make such an egregious mistake, he calmly responded, "Go f&#* yourself."
Pilsen

Local AA President Foreclosed On

A very close of friend of Bill W., known to many South Side Chicago locals as the head of their local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter, has lost his two flat due to foreclosure. Neighbors were surprised to find the living room completely empty, and further, showed complete confusion over where to hold their next AA meeting.
SOUTH SIDE

Chicago Home Offers View of Amazon

A Chicago landlord has taken measures to ensure that his tenants will no longer have to stare at the brick wall that surrounds his Albany Park multi-family. As of press time, the current tenants are enjoying the views of an Amazonian waterfall, and eagerly await the building owner's promise to offer celestial vistas and eventually deliver Rahm Emanuel's stately Ravenswood home.
ALBANY PARK

Drought Reduces Price of Inner City Dock

A scorching rainless summer is finally taking its toll on an already struggling local real estate market, drying out precious inner city wetlands while turning this once desirable waterfront property into what the listing realtor is now calling "a front row seat to a luscious Chicago savannah.
BRIDGEPORT

Seller Proud of AT&T Upgrade, Really Proud

The elderly seller of this Portage Park bungalow spent the better part of a minute promoting her spacious bathroom and the unique ability to make phone calls in there, something no other homes in the area could offer, she proclaimed.
Portage Park

Rehabber Discovers He's Illiterate

After his cousin Arthur told him he could make a quick buck, a suburban office worker turned rehabber decided to renovate this multi-family in Wicker Park himself. After a quick demo job, he thought things were easy. Then he tried to read Home Depot's allegedly simple-to-use rehab books. He under-estimated the sophistication of the literature. And then he was served.
Wicker Park

Owner Finds New Use for His Slinky

After years of neglecting his rusty slinky, a Bridgeport two flat owner decided he could use it to heat his bedroom.
BRIDGEPORT

Large Mammal Requires Two Showers

An unusually large mammal, unable to fully bathe himself, requested the landlord of his Albany Park three flat to provide an additional watering hole so that he would no longer have to explain to fellow mammals why one side of his body remained so pungent.
ALBANY PARK

Bank Turns Pastor into F-Bomb Monster

After years as a respected neighborhood Evangelical pastor, the owner of this Logan Square three flat claims the Devil took control of the bank, then took control of him. The profanity spewing pastor did not understand why a representative of the good lord should be required to pay property taxes, or for that matter, pay his mortgage every month, especially when the Holy Father requested his favorite Earthling drive a more suitable vehicle to better attract those new people with the really large strollers that are moving into the neighborhood.
LOGAN SQUARE

Former Owner Said He Saw the Signs

The former owner of this Ukrainian Village brick 4 flat said he doesn't blame his unrealistic expectation of a selling price, or overeager withdrawl of his home's equity for his foreclosure, but simply, and perhaps deeply spiritually, says there were signs telling him that he was in trouble and he needed to vacate.
UKRAINIAN VILLAGE

Emergency Exit only for Real Emergencies

In Chicago's Lakeview neighborhood, some two flat and three flat owners are rebelling against the high cost of installing emergency staircases, sometimes referred to as a rear egress or back porch. Their defense is that they only need an actual door size exit. As this homeseller stated, "what's all the friggin' fuss. Don't you see them shrubs I planted. You may get banged up but you ain't gonna die. It's for friggin' emergencies not so you and some lass can have a smoke and admire the skyline."
LAKEVIEW