Plastic Bags are the New Subway Tiles

Tired of being like everybody else, some homeowners are forgoing the trendy subway wall tiles and even glass mosaics for a more eco-friendly aesthetic. One homeseller summed it up to the buyers of her Logan Square two flat as, "there are just too many plastic bags littering our streets, and not many people know they are waterproof, so why give money to those huge tile conglomerates, when we should all just re-cycle, re-use and re-shower."
Logan Square

Dryer Vent Union Encourages Healthy Eating

In their bid to make Local 219, Union of Dryer Vent & Exhaust Fan Workers, an example for the expanding girth of fellow Union Brothers, the Dryer Vent Union has been leaving remnants of their lunch behind in a concerted effort to promote the healthy changes that Union workers are making to reduce health care costs while ensuring that your lint has immediate access to the outdoors. Ravenswood

Bi-Polar Seller Offers Conflicting Sales Pitch

The Seller of this Lincoln Square two flat has assured all buyers that they will absolutely love her restored 1920's brick building, that is, if they are even willing to knock on her front door.
Lincoln Square

Child Still Missing

While their parents explored a brick turn of the century two flat in Chicago's Logan Square neighborhood, two adventurous children decided to play hide and go seek. One child is still hiding.
Logan Square

Dead Linoleum Salesman Leaves Treasure

Prospective buyers to this Lincoln Square bungalow were treated to an awesome display of mid to late 20th century vinyl flooring. Available immediately were 1955's famed sunburst yellow herringbone design and 1973's notorious Serpico Brown.
Lincoln Square

Owner Decides to Leave Electric Chair

The retiring owner of this Humboldt Park multi-family building has decided to bequeath his infamous electric chair to the new owners of his much beloved near Northwest side compound. When asked why he didn't want to take his electric chair with him, the owner quickly replied, "Me. No need this chair. People here sometime make problem for me. No want pay rent. I say, ok. You no pay, you come with me basement. I put them chair. They are cry like baby. One minute later they are pay me. Cash. They always have so much cash. Good building. You will like."
Humboldt Park (WEST BUCKTOWN!)

Agent Can't Find Bathroom Fan

After spending the better part of seven minutes trying to locate the bathroom fan, known to millions worldwide as "the cover-up device", the listing agent of this Wicker Park worker's cottage apologized profusely, stating "I wouldn't want to use a bathroom without a fan either. I promise you the owner will fix this."
Wicker Park

Boiler Enjoying New Hair Care Products

After experiencing a near melt-down with a value size can of AquaNet, this SouthSide boiler has recently switched to the more soothing, and safer, styling gel, choosing Walgreens brand because he exclaimed, "it's all the same sh#t, just like these brick two flats, just depends on how you use them."
Bridgeport

Greek Goddess of Foreclosure Turns to Stone

In yet another positive sign that the Chicago housing market is beginning to rebound, housing analysts have cited the recent Andersonville appearance of the Greek Goddess of Foreclosure as a positive indicator of growth. One well known analyst from LaSalle Street summed up his findings to NPR, "Before, she was, you know, moving, laughing, mocking the homes she appeared in front of, but now, she has returned to stone and is beginning to wither just like she did back in the early 1940's. This is good news for the economy. You can count on it."
ANDERSONVILLE

Pit Bull Not Smarter than Bank

In yet another blow to the much maligned pet, a national bank, far larger than the largest of Humboldt Park's official canine, has taken down the honor roll pouncing beast. When the sheriff was asked how he outsmarted a creature smarter than an honor roll student, he swiftly replied, "Well, the honor roll in Chicago just means your kid made it to the end of the school day."
RAVENSWOOD! (really)

7 Year Itch Affecting Avondale Couple

Finding marriage to be more difficult than previously thought, a local Chicago couple was clearly showing signs of disengagement upon the recent showing of their home. Only the brown paneling seemed to be holding them together, which they both admitted was symbolic of their failed attempts to achieve their renovation dreams.
AVONDALE

User of LSD Decides Now the Time to Sell

A frequent user of LakeShoreDrive has decided he no longer needs that over-rated route, and wants to start taking something different. When asked about the difficult decision, the seller cheerfully responded, "I'm so over LSD. The trip takes way too long. If I'm gonna use something everyday, it's gotta be a lot smoother than that. Surely Chicago has something better for me."
BRIDGEPORT

Vegan Buyers Can't Find Seitan Button

A disappointed couple looking to buy their first home in Chicago's Pilsen neighborhood was distraught that the sellers didn't think to install an oven that would suit their dietary requirements. When the seller was asked how he could make such an egregious mistake, he calmly responded, "Go f&#* yourself."
Pilsen

Local AA President Foreclosed On

A very close of friend of Bill W., known to many South Side Chicago locals as the head of their local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter, has lost his two flat due to foreclosure. Neighbors were surprised to find the living room completely empty, and further, showed complete confusion over where to hold their next AA meeting.
SOUTH SIDE

Chicago Home Offers View of Amazon

A Chicago landlord has taken measures to ensure that his tenants will no longer have to stare at the brick wall that surrounds his Albany Park multi-family. As of press time, the current tenants are enjoying the views of an Amazonian waterfall, and eagerly await the building owner's promise to offer celestial vistas and eventually deliver Rahm Emanuel's stately Ravenswood home.
ALBANY PARK

Drought Reduces Price of Inner City Dock

A scorching rainless summer is finally taking its toll on an already struggling local real estate market, drying out precious inner city wetlands while turning this once desirable waterfront property into what the listing realtor is now calling "a front row seat to a luscious Chicago savannah.
BRIDGEPORT

Seller Proud of AT&T Upgrade, Really Proud

The elderly seller of this Portage Park bungalow spent the better part of a minute promoting her spacious bathroom and the unique ability to make phone calls in there, something no other homes in the area could offer, she proclaimed.
Portage Park

Rehabber Discovers He's Illiterate

After his cousin Arthur told him he could make a quick buck, a suburban office worker turned rehabber decided to renovate this multi-family in Wicker Park himself. After a quick demo job, he thought things were easy. Then he tried to read Home Depot's allegedly simple-to-use rehab books. He under-estimated the sophistication of the literature. And then he was served.
Wicker Park

Owner Finds New Use for His Slinky

After years of neglecting his rusty slinky, a Bridgeport two flat owner decided he could use it to heat his bedroom.
BRIDGEPORT

Large Mammal Requires Two Showers

An unusually large mammal, unable to fully bathe himself, requested the landlord of his Albany Park three flat to provide an additional watering hole so that he would no longer have to explain to fellow mammals why one side of his body remained so pungent.
ALBANY PARK

Bank Turns Pastor into F-Bomb Monster

After years as a respected neighborhood Evangelical pastor, the owner of this Logan Square three flat claims the Devil took control of the bank, then took control of him. The profanity spewing pastor did not understand why a representative of the good lord should be required to pay property taxes, or for that matter, pay his mortgage every month, especially when the Holy Father requested his favorite Earthling drive a more suitable vehicle to better attract those new people with the really large strollers that are moving into the neighborhood.
LOGAN SQUARE

Former Owner Said He Saw the Signs

The former owner of this Ukrainian Village brick 4 flat said he doesn't blame his unrealistic expectation of a selling price, or overeager withdrawl of his home's equity for his foreclosure, but simply, and perhaps deeply spiritually, says there were signs telling him that he was in trouble and he needed to vacate.
UKRAINIAN VILLAGE

Emergency Exit only for Real Emergencies

In Chicago's Lakeview neighborhood, some two flat and three flat owners are rebelling against the high cost of installing emergency staircases, sometimes referred to as a rear egress or back porch. Their defense is that they only need an actual door size exit. As this homeseller stated, "what's all the friggin' fuss. Don't you see them shrubs I planted. You may get banged up but you ain't gonna die. It's for friggin' emergencies not so you and some lass can have a smoke and admire the skyline."
LAKEVIEW

Definition of 'Electronics' Causes Confusion

The seller of this Roscoe Village single family home was observed smiling in the corner, abiding by the rules of his timeout. Then, without warning, he gleefully blurted out, "my wife has all these rules, all these rules, but she's losing this one. I do one 'mean' thing, like call her 'thick' or something, and then I can't use the dishwasher, or call to tell her I'm running late, or fix the DVR. It's great. Every husband should be put on the Electronics Time Monitoring System"
Roscoe Village

ComEd Provides Buddhas to Boost Energy Use

Concerned over the growing 'green' movement,and its advocacy of less energy consumption, local electric provider ComEd has decided to utilize the alleged leader of all things conscientious, the esteemed Siddhartha Buddha, a.k.a "that fat smiling guy, Jimmy". ComEd customers can now go to the company's website and request that a service representative come to the billing address and affix a Buddha sculpture within six to eight inches of their thermostat. ComEd officials are also considering the dispersal of other encouraging statues, including but not limited to Jesus H. Christ, Al Gore, Jerry Garcia, and Pamela Anderson.
JEFFERSON PARK

Hinckley Springs Offers Green Water System

In renewed efforts to capture the lucrative 'green' market, Hinckley Springs has begun offering homeowners a unique water filtration service that turns their leaky roofs into that "delicious Hinckley Springs taste you've come to trust".
JEFFERSON PARK

Stainless Cousin Fails to Gentrify

After almost two decades of peaceful co-existence, a Lakeview kitchen has been forced to accept an overbearing neighbor who has made no efforts to warm up to the long standing residents of this incredibly functional but aesthetically scorned kitchen.
LAKEVIEW

Seller Leaves Baby Outside for Showings

In order to successfully sell a home, owners are told to get rid of clutter, put up a fresh coat of paint, and make sure there are no distractions in the home when potential buyers come visit. This Bridgeport home seller wanted to highlight the fact that he was a father but also understood what it takes to sell a home in today's market.
BRIDGEPORT

Easter Bunny Refuses to Drink MicroBrews

While enjoying his new outdoor space, the Easter Bunny made it clear to prospective buyers that he only drinks American, "real American", not that microbrew crap. He then yelled out that his kegerator was not included in the sale.
HERMOSA

Easter Bunny Enjoying His Rehabbed Two Flat

Tired of being that "other religious superhero", and perturbed about his lack of a dramatic entryway, the Easter Bunny has recently renovated an Avondale two flat to provide himself with a means to practice Resurrection Day Chimney Dives while still affording him the queer comforts of Peeps Moderne.
AVONDALE

Robot Warns Buyer Against Purchase

Several minutes had passed before the buyer of this Logan Square two flat realized somebody was actually talking to him. The elderly, but friendly, if not somewhat monotone, basement robot explained in precise and historical detail the long list of issues the imposing brick structure had in store for the new owner. Upon leaving the programmed creature's subterranean lair, one could hear the faint sounds of electronic Horseshack giggles.
LOGAN SQUARE

Owner Tired of Laundry Peep Shows

Enough is enough. This was the sentiment shared by a fed-up North Center home owner. After an extended honeymoon period where she enjoyed weekly peep shows provided by her stackable wash & dry, she has demanded that her machines decide if they want to take it all off, or get locked behind some Chinese drywall, but she is tired of this insufferable relationship they now have.
North Center

Artistic Drywall Man Not Very Tall

Inspired by a translated copy of The Fountainhead, a Central American drywall install specialist continued his Chicago quest to make closets that inspire, that come from his soul, and don't conform to useless standards imposed by the mindless masses. Unfortunately, his contractors keep firing him for his inability to create entryways that American adults can fit through. The fired drywall specialist is now being represented by an activist attorney specializing in discrimination against immigrant employees who suffer from undiagnosed spatial recognition disorder, sometimes referred to as Mayan Syndrome.
North Center

Carlton Sheets Acolyte Now Selling Herbalife

One foreclosed building owner, in Chicago's tony Roscoe Village neighborhood, blames his broken VCR for his inability to turn Guru Sheets sage advice into a Chicago real estate empire.

"I bought my first building here in late 2006, got some tenants, and started watching the second tape, "Using your new equity", when my stupid stupid VCR went. Gone! I spent a year trying to fix it, then said screw it, tried to sell, didn't know what I was doing wrong, and then decided to let the bank take it. But hey, it took them four years to foreclose, I still made some cash, and, uh,hey, you want to try this drink here. Really, it's awesome. You'll love it. Go ahead, take a sip..."
ROSCOE VILLAGE(building altered for legal reasons, tapes real)

Angry Old Man Won't Let Buyers In

Despite providing him with the secret code, offering naming rights to their second born, promising to keep the pink tiles in the guest bathroom, assuring that the paneling will remain in the basement, and swearing to never turn the heat past 62, a young chipper professional couple was outraged when this stone faced curmudgeon refused to let them pass. LAKEVIEW

Dogs Prohibited from Airing in Logan Square

As neighborhoods in Chicago change, so do the expectations of residents. Logan Square and Humboldt Park were once a haven for canines who were allowed to air freely and without harassment, but as new inhabitants stake claim to the once public parkways, dogs are finding it increasingly difficult to aire.
Logan Square / Humboldt Park

Mysterious Electrical Fire Baffles Everyone

After accepting a contractor who not only offered the lowest bid, but assured the owners he could do work without a permit, a Pilsen family is still trying to discover why a fire erupted in their kitchen while microwaving dinner while blowdrying the children's hair while toasting some stale bread. PILSEN

Junkmail Protests Lead to Bigger Peepholes

More Chicago residents are joining the growing junkmail protest movement erupting throughout the country by removing their mailboxes. Some northside owners and tenants have noted the added benefit of a large security window. One resident commented, "Now I don't even open the gate. Pizza man just put the pizza in the mailbox, and Boom, I get my food, and he don't get in my place. Never did trust that pizza man." Albany Park

Lion King Loses Crown

The Lion King has recently been spotted around Logan Square, the fourth such sighting in the last week, but unfortunately his crown has been displaced and he is asking for your assistance in returning it. No mention of an award was mentioned but he appeared open to negotiation. LOGAN SQUARE

Banks Putting the Unemployed to Work

Whether it's increased federal regulation or a growing conscience for the plight of the nation's least fortunate, banks have begun hiring the jobless to paint foreclosed properties, and as of today, May 9th, both parties appear very content with the results. HUMBOLDT PARK

Chicago Sells Off Sidewalks to Hasbro

In his continued push to allow the private sector to control elements of Chicago's infrastructure, the Mayor has begun leasing sections of Chicago's highly prized sidewalks.

Some residents have already begun complaining that walking on certain portions of the leased sidewalk could mean an immediate trip to jail. And a few keen eyes have noted that the promised 'free parking' is nothing more than a gimmick since the one available spot is always occupied by a mysterious black van. One member of the city's highly influential government subsidized population was excited about the prospect of gaining 200 dollars for "nothing more than walking around the block." AVONDALE

Squatters Using Reptiles to Thwart Buyers

Fed up with the endless stream of prospective buyers interrupting their quality of life, a group of Bridgeport foreclosure squatters turned their basement into a snake terrarium. Now they are besieged with calls from reptile enthusiasts from around the Midwest. One squatter was overheard telling his fellow squatter, "people just don't respect your right to live peacefully anymore." BRIDGEPORT

Owner Reluctantly Sells off Ruins

After generations of trusted guardianship, the owner of the famous East Albany Park Ruins has decided to sell of his family's prized possession. When asked why he decided to not trust a realtor who specializes in delicate ruin properties, he responded, "dis is very emotional for da family. Dis was a special place for all da neighbors to come, and I know da times are tough, but I ain't sellin' dis here property to any ol' person, and dose realtor folk, dey don't care. I wants somebody who gonna care for dis here special place, ya know?" ALBANY PARK

Owls Asked to Watch Over Cats for Awhile

Six felines were observed running naked and free throughout this Bridgeport two flat while the building's lone residents, a tight knit group of rare Calumet Owls, kept watch over the dwelling. The owls had no word on the whereabouts of the home's owners. BRIDGEPORT

The Hulk Attacks Another Bungalow

Homesellers have had to contend with the harmful effects of foreclosures, short sales, and a nervous buying public. And now a new threat has extended the agony. A buyer calling himself Mr. Hulk has been making his way to open houses in the Chicago area, last seen running through this brick wall in the Bridgeport neighborhood. If you or someone you know sees him, authorities are asking that you stay far away. But a contractor named Mishka is asking that anyone coming across this Mr. Hulk call him immediately because his demo guy has been missing for the last week. BRIDGEPORT