The seller of this Wicker Park 3 flat assured buyers that they would not be harmed in the making of his tenants 'little movie thing'. The seller, or "that cheap bastard in the basement" as he's referred to by his upstairs neighbors, has been renting to the artist community since the Great Wicker Park Artist Migration of the late 1980's. As buildings were gut renovated or torn down, that cheap bastard in the basement decided he'd rather keep his home and his loyal tenants than update his building. Considered one of the last great hold-outs of the 'old' Wicker Park, the seller told buyers he could have made a 'mint' years ago when values skyrocketed but was committed to the neighborhood until property taxes became unsustainable. "Why are these clowns at the county saying my building is worth a million dollars. I didn't pay anything near that for this place and shouldn't have to pay a tax based on that. Plus, they closed the Double Door. That was it."
Wicker Park
Chicago Real Estate... The OTHER Side
Photos & Stories from the Chicago Property Hunt
A NOT SO GLAMOROUS LOOK AT THE UNDERBELLY OF CHICAGO'S HOUSING MARKET
All photos taken live from Chicago properties & environs
All photos taken live from Chicago properties & environs
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Tenants Struggle with Psycho Remake
Labels:
3 flat,
agent,
artists,
Beer Baron Row,
Busy Bee,
buyers,
Double Door,
Great Migration,
grunge,
Hitchcock,
Logan Square sucks,
Lounge Ax,
Milwaukee Avenue,
realtor,
seller,
tenant,
the Crotch,
victorian,
Wicker Park
Thursday, September 26, 2019
This Schmuck can Sell
Schmucks have been maligned throughout their unfortunate history. What is seldom discussed is that some schmucks make a really good cabinet, the kind that makes one resent purchasing trendy IKEA cabinets which were likely built to service the greater schmuck population.
At an open house for this Andersonville home, buyers seemed unimpressed by the knock-off mid-century furnishings or over-done crown moulding, but they were positively giddy with excitement when they gazed upon the beauty of a genuine hard wood Schmuck cabinet. Many realtors will tell you that great kitchens sell a home. But what they don't often mention, is that a great schmuck can sell it as well.
Andersonville
At an open house for this Andersonville home, buyers seemed unimpressed by the knock-off mid-century furnishings or over-done crown moulding, but they were positively giddy with excitement when they gazed upon the beauty of a genuine hard wood Schmuck cabinet. Many realtors will tell you that great kitchens sell a home. But what they don't often mention, is that a great schmuck can sell it as well.
Andersonville
Labels:
agent,
Amish,
andersonville,
buyers,
cabinets,
chicago,
crown moulding,
hard to sell,
home,
IKEA,
kitchen,
lincoln square,
mid-century,
putz,
realtor,
renovation,
schmuck,
sell,
Trump
Thursday, July 18, 2019
Summer Heat Causes ICE Problems
A Logan Square homeowner frustrated that nobody would buy her home has decided 'For Sale' signs are a complete waste in a buying culture that relies solely on online access. In an effort to attract buyers to acknowledge the existence of her lovely vintage yet modern home, she has turned to large handmade boards expressing puzzling non-sequitur phrases. Similar to Open Houses, people are now stopping there, but they still aren't buying, and seem quite upset that nobody is providing them with cookies.
Logan Square
Logan Square
Labels:
affordable,
buyers,
chicago,
For Sale signs,
hard to sell,
hell,
homemade,
homeowner,
ice,
Immigration,
iron fence,
logan square,
market,
modern,
northside,
open houses,
overheated,
vintage,
worker's cottage
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Attics: Creepy & Fun
It has become common knowledge, at least among Chicago home shoppers, that attics make ideal places for teenagers to experiment with mind alternating substances, fathers to yearn for their ancestral caves, wives to store the decomposing corpses of their missing in-laws, and poltergeists to roam free. But what is seldom discussed in real estate, or housing as it is known to some, is that attics make really kick-a$$ spaces to bring some light into an otherwise dark room, provide additional headroom, and simply offer a place for the phantasms to nest in the forgotten vegetation of the unreachable ceiling.
Logan Square
Logan Square
Labels:
agents,
attics,
bathroom remodel,
buyers,
chicago,
custom bathroom,
drugs,
flowers,
Goonies,
home shoppers,
housing,
in-laws,
logan square,
plant shelves,
poltergeist,
real estate,
realtor,
skylight
Friday, April 12, 2019
Evanston Decides to Support More Colors
Chicago's neighboring borough to the north has long been described as colorful, an accepting place where Benetton was not merely an ad, but rather a way of living. It's a city-state-township that showcases it's Purple Lines in equal proportion to it's Black Matters. In a continued effort to demonstrate it's prowess at reaching beyond ROY G BIV, Evanston is now welcoming the Browns. And as in many things Evanstonian, this color must abide by a stringent set of rules or risk dismissal from the NIMBY Kingdom.
Evanston(where else)
Evanston(where else)
Labels:
agent,
Black Lives Matter,
buyers,
Evanston,
good schools,
Immigration,
Latin America,
Nimby,
Northwestern,
refugees,
Strange People,
street signs,
white,
yard signs
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Trump Supporters Protest Open House
Open Houses are not much different than politics - they make the seller think there is a lot of interest in their home, and hence their 'representative' is doing a great job, when in fact they are a conduit to allow a multitude of unrepresented buyers an introduction to their potential new representative, the 'hard working' open house host. But when the freshman house rep chooses the emblem of southern invaders to lure his unsuspecting constituents, he probably forgot that the far northwest side of Chicago is a stronghold of the MAGA RED. Several protesters were seen lurking around following the demonstration, hoping for an opportunity to get a little Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. One protestor, barely able to speak as a volcano of cheesy substance splooged from his mouth, mumbled, "what...doritos belong to us!"
Avondale
Avondale
Labels:
agent,
avondale,
buyers,
chicago,
Doritos,
food truck,
grifter,
immigrants,
MAGA,
northwest side,
open house,
protest,
real estate signs,
realtor,
sanctuary city,
sellers,
splooge,
Taco Bell,
the machine,
Trump
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Seller Offers Christmas Warning
Selling a home over the holidays, once known as Christmas and New Years, is usually considered a sign of desperation, much like going to a bar alone on Christmas morning. Sellers in Chicago, as in much of the country, will take their homes off the market for roughly 6-8 weeks to not give the impression that they are indeed that same individual who stumbled into the bar Christmas morning. For the brave few who decide to expose their desperation to the city's rabid home buying population, limits are considered a must, and realtors are requested to find tactful ways of displaying their clients' wishes.
Irving Park
Irving Park
Labels:
bathroom,
Beelzebub,
chicago,
Christmas,
clients,
cocaine,
desperate,
elves,
Hanukkah,
Holidays,
home buyers,
Horner Park,
housing crash,
Irving Park,
Kwanzaa,
new construction,
Reagan,
realtor,
sellers
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Stolen Fresco the Highlight of Open House
Buyers were not interested in the Jewel cookies or poorly staged bedrooms of this Rogers Park historic bungalow, but they all agreed on thing - that 'art thing' over the living room windows was 'really f*&king cool'. When told by the listing agent that the really f*&king cool art thing was not included in the sale, potential buyers were outraged, stating it was the 'only thing in the house of any value'. The realtor apologized profusely, then offered extra cookies to anybody willing to write an offer right there and then. One rather large gentleman wrote an offer, took his free box of cookies, and left. Upon reviewing the offer, the listing agent muttered a bit too loudly, "I f*&king hate open houses."
Rogers Park
Rogers Park
Labels:
art,
bungalow,
buyers,
chicago,
edgewater,
estate sale,
fresco,
gluttony,
Jewel cookies,
listing agent,
northside,
offer,
open house,
realtor,
rogers park,
sale,
stolen,
vintage
Monday, October 29, 2018
Spurned Seller Ruins the Halloween Spirit
A Bowmanville homeowner dismayed at the high prices buyers are paying for homes in his neighborhood decided to offend loyalists of America's largest two political parties mistakenly assuming said leaders and their adherents were the cause for the removal of affordable housing stock in this newly desirable enclave hidden between Lincoln Square and Andersonville. It was later revealed that the true reason the sourpuss could not simply stick upside down witches' legs in his yard like everybody else was due to the fact that no buyer would pay him the Redfin estimate for his home.
Bowmanville
Bowmanville
Labels:
affordable housing,
andersonville,
bowmanville,
buyers,
captain realty,
chicago,
halloween,
lincoln square,
north side,
offensive,
political signs,
realtor,
Redfin,
rising prices,
Trump Clinton intercourse,
zombies
Monday, September 17, 2018
Open House a bit too Open
The potential buyers of this pre-war Rogers Park home were so offended by the implication that they should 'get in bed' at an Open House that they finally enacted their destiny by taking their home search to lovely suburban Naperville, where the schools are better, the communities employ darling aspirational names, and neighbors simply request you place your keys in a bowl when coming to their 'special' nighttime parties, highlighting the social etiquette so desperately needed in Chicago.
Rogers Park
Rogers Park
Labels:
bungalow,
communities,
daybed,
deco,
etiquette,
home,
lakefront,
Naperville,
northside,
open house,
polyamorous,
potential buyers,
pre-war,
realtor,
rogers park,
schools,
subdivisions,
swingers,
vintage
Friday, August 10, 2018
Mujahideen Cafe Opens in Albany Park
Chicago's Albany Park neighborhood is known for it's wide array of inexpensive and delicious international eateries. However, the rising cost of Northside real estate has forced some enterprising restaurateurs into the city's burgeoning micro-restaurant scene, known colloquially as "eating at somebody's house". The latest underground hotspot to avoid the marauding onslaught of Yelp reviewers is the trendy 3368, serving up tasty delicacies from the caves of Afghanistan and select Pakistani compounds. Those fortunate enough to have dined at 3368 caution against the erratic hours and mercurial owner residing in the basement cellar.
Albany Park
Albany Park
Labels:
Afghanistan,
agent,
albany park,
bidding war,
buyers,
chicago,
conspiracy theory,
For Sale sign,
market bust,
mujahideen,
northside,
osama,
pakistan,
real estate,
realtor,
restaurant,
unique locks
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
DON'T TEAR DOWN THAT GARAGE!
The Convertible Garage business is booming. In Chicago, garages are generally poorly constructed frame structures left to rot until they collapse, or endure the wrath of a certain spouse who possesses supernatural abilities to foresee impending death. An enterprising Northside entrepreneur did what Amercians do best - find a need for something useless and promote it until it's needed. Soon, he discovered a segment of collapsing garage owners who craved room for their favorite sports but Chicago's small backyards were unable to accommodate.
So they began offering Rink-Rages, HalfCourt-Rages, and Raquetball-Rages. When the proprietor was confronted about the anger he was infusing into his products in an era of the Anti-Bully, the press were told "well, I can't do the phonetic 'Raj" or I would have to deal with the Anti-Colonial British Empire hating crowd, and they have far more Instagram followers." The same Mahatma devotee was told his business had no place in Logan Square due to the hipster dismissal of sports as "too bro." Reporters were then told, "Logan is now Brogan, and all the hipsters have left for run-down mid-century homes in Northern Indiana."
Logan Square
So they began offering Rink-Rages, HalfCourt-Rages, and Raquetball-Rages. When the proprietor was confronted about the anger he was infusing into his products in an era of the Anti-Bully, the press were told "well, I can't do the phonetic 'Raj" or I would have to deal with the Anti-Colonial British Empire hating crowd, and they have far more Instagram followers." The same Mahatma devotee was told his business had no place in Logan Square due to the hipster dismissal of sports as "too bro." Reporters were then told, "Logan is now Brogan, and all the hipsters have left for run-down mid-century homes in Northern Indiana."
Logan Square
Labels:
agent,
america,
avondale,
backyard ice rink,
basketball court,
bro,
Brogan,
bully,
buyers,
chicago,
code violation,
entrepreneur,
garage,
hipster,
logan square,
northside,
owners,
realtor,
seller,
tear-down
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Carpet is Back
Since Nancy Reagan's brutal War on Carpets decimated the furry flooring business, rugrats throughout the Basement Nation have been clamoring for it's return, joining various occult forces to expedite the demise of the public's soulless hardwood floor addiction. And they appear to be winning. winning. Realtors have long been this great country's arbiter of what a homeowner needs to be fulfilled, and Chicago real estate agents are infamous for taking a leading role, whether it be in redlining or blockbusting, granite or waterbeds, you can count on your local realtor to assure the Joneses are never too far ahead. Upon viewing this Lakeview single family home, the buyers remarked, "Who the f*#k wants carpet. We're outta here."
Lakeview
Lakeview
Labels:
agent,
basement,
buyers,
carpet,
chicago,
floors,
granite,
hardwood,
lakeview,
multiple offers,
Nancy Reagan,
northside,
realtor,
shag,
single family home,
wall to wall,
War on Drugs,
waterbed,
winning
Friday, April 27, 2018
Tenants Help Seller Find the Right Buyer
The low rent paying tenants of this Logan Square three flat promised the out of state owner of their building that they'd be happy to assist with fixing up the basement and making sure prospective buyers had full access to the property. The seller's realtor has also been happy with this arrangement which has allowed him to charge a full commission while never having to actually go to the property. After sixty-seven weeks on the market, neither seller nor agent can figure out why their once 'hot' property is not selling.
LOGAN SQUARE
LOGAN SQUARE
Labels:
2 flat,
agent,
basement,
building,
chicago,
dead people,
hipster,
hot property,
landlord,
logan square,
Lord,
low rent,
multi-unit,
prospective buyer,
realtor,
rent,
seller,
slumlord,
tenants,
three flat
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Jay-Z Reminds Male Buyers to Ask Wife First
A friend of Jay-Z's old neighbor's cousin's ex-girlfriend's brother-in-law wanted perspective buyers of his Lincoln Square three flat to know that all offers would require an extended period of time for a response as he'll need to wait for certain outside advice on how to counter.
Lincoln Square
Lincoln Square
Labels:
3 flat,
agent,
Beyonce,
buyers,
chicago,
counter,
desk placard,
George & Weezie,
Jay-Z,
lincoln square,
multi-unit,
multiple offers,
offer,
ravenswood manor,
realtor,
sign,
three flat,
vintage
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Squirrel Refused to Honor Dibs
Attending an open house in Andersonville this weekend proved dangerous for an out of town squirrel. The visiting rodent was interested in seeing the spacious attic potential homebuyers had been talking about but was unable to find parking on the street due to the proliferation of discarded lawn furniture residents were using to claim public parking spaces. The attic squatting varmint was unaware that fifteen minutes of shoveling entitled a shoveler to indefinite ownership over said area despite the fact that her people have long practiced a similar claim after boring holes below a roofline. The last time a witness spotted the garden tormentor alive was when she discreetly placed the dibs items on the parkway. Services are being held at nearby Keim Furs.
Andersonville
Andersonville
Labels:
andersonville,
attic,
chicago,
dead squirrel,
dibs,
dibshit,
furrier,
garage,
home buyer,
lincoln square,
murder,
northside,
open house,
parking,
pest removal,
police brutality,
realtor,
shovel,
snow,
Trump
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Santa Giving Up This Year
The Chicago neighborhood of Woodlawn has been experiencing the interest of developers and home buyers priced out of neighboring Hyde Park. But another curious entity has also discovered this Southside trend - Santa. Just days before the celebration of Christ's birth, children's toys have been mysteriously turning up in vacant backyards throughout Woodlawn and South Shore.
One source close to the nimble footed Chunky Claus told reporters that she heard him mumbling about the unaccommodating hours of Toys-R-Us, then the higher cost of elf labor, and now the unrelenting assault by "Amazonk" who has essentially rendered his services worthless. It has been rumored that the former head of the largest toy distributing ring in the universe is considering driving for Lyft, telling the unnamed source "I don't need GPS, and I can cover way more ground than these schlubs. Sure after factoring in the cost of additional reindeers, increased reindeer dietary needs and reindeer insurance, I probably won't make much more than minimum wage, but what I am gonna do - sit around with those greedy midgets all winter."
Woodlawn
One source close to the nimble footed Chunky Claus told reporters that she heard him mumbling about the unaccommodating hours of Toys-R-Us, then the higher cost of elf labor, and now the unrelenting assault by "Amazonk" who has essentially rendered his services worthless. It has been rumored that the former head of the largest toy distributing ring in the universe is considering driving for Lyft, telling the unnamed source "I don't need GPS, and I can cover way more ground than these schlubs. Sure after factoring in the cost of additional reindeers, increased reindeer dietary needs and reindeer insurance, I probably won't make much more than minimum wage, but what I am gonna do - sit around with those greedy midgets all winter."
Woodlawn
Labels:
agent,
amazon,
angry santa,
backyard,
chicago,
Christmas,
developer,
discarded toys,
elves,
home buyer,
hyde park,
Lyft,
neighborhood,
realtor,
south shore,
soutside,
unions,
woodlawn
Friday, December 1, 2017
Swings Have No Home Here
Rogers Park is a Chicago neighborhood known for it's social activism, but some resident activists have felt defeated in their battle to solve lives that matter, homes that hate, and presidents that really suck. So they have organized to support an entity that residents of all beliefs and political parties can stand behind. Literally. Local activists are feeling good about their efforts, but remaining cautiously optimistic, stating "we are starting to hear about certain families being divided, often with one sibling refusing to swing." The spokesperson continued to tell the only reporter present, "people think this is about raising our home values, which would be nice, and I wouldn't complain, cause you know, our price is still down from the 2007 peak, but this is really about supporting our local swings. How much do you think I could get for my place?"
Rogers Park
Rogers Park
Labels:
activists,
agent,
buyers,
chicago,
hate has no home,
home,
home value,
lakefront,
lives matter,
market crash,
protest,
rogers park,
sellers,
swingers,
swings,
Trump sucks,
vintage,
yard sign
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
An Agent & A Drone Meet in a Bar
Realtors are constantly trying to make themselves stand out in a profession surrounded by so many that are The Best, The Most Trustworthy, The Most Reliable, Top Rated, Best Looking Photo to Snuggle Against on a Bus Bench, etc. So, one Chicago agent has decided that buyers and sellers are finally ready for some honesty by advertising what they actually do, but a recent client was unwilling to vouch for his forthright real estate professional, exclaiming, "this is typical of the bums in this industry. I thought they were going to fly one of those little planes over my home cause I hear the people buying home now only buy if they get home photos from sky. They lie. The all lie!" The honest yet confused drone agent responded, "Why would he want me to provide expensive photos that are free to everybody in Google Maps. I spent so much time talking at him but I guess he didn't listen."
Ravenswood
Ravenswood
Labels:
#1,
3 flat,
advertising,
agent,
bowmanville,
buyers,
chicago,
cutting edge,
drone,
google maps,
home,
honesty,
lincoln square,
ravenswood,
realtor,
reliable,
sellers,
The best,
two flat,
unique
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Whack-A-Mole Glory Hole a Big Hit
The basement bar has long been a staple of the American Home, a place where returning World War II soldiers could experience the brotherhood they left behind on the shores of Normandy or hills of Iwo Jima. And from one military conflict to another, the American basement bar prevailed until the Clinton years when a lack of foreign interventions and boy band mania led to the deconstruction of these icons of patriotism. Now, after fifteen years of glorious international combat, Chicago is leading the way with it's post-modern basement bar tribute - a true sanctuary where patrons can experience the pleasures of subterranean prestige. Buyers of this Avondale home have been leaving in a hushed awe, swept away with wonder at the promise of something beyond the imagination.
Avondale
Avondale
Labels:
alcoholics,
american,
avondale,
bar,
basement,
bush,
buyers,
carpet,
chicago,
Clinton,
flooding,
foreign conflict,
glory hole,
handy,
logan square,
northside,
realtor,
red,
Trump,
Whack-a-mole
Monday, August 21, 2017
Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy
A rigorous Montessori program has allowed a local Humboldt Park toddler to build an elevated toilet so that her father could rest like a king when he tells her, "Daddy's busy now, go ask your mother". The same coveted preschool program is introducing an entire curriculum based around the crafting of space 'to honor those who love you.' It was stressed during class that the 'potty palace' could be for either parent much as the re-purposed Swedish massage room featuring exchange teacher/au pair Magnus on select evenings. After the construction of the second project, this featured home is now for sale.
Humboldt Park
Humboldt Park
Labels:
agent,
au pair,
bucktown,
buyers,
chicago,
diy,
exchange student,
extramarital,
for sale,
humboldt park,
logan square,
montessori,
preschool,
realtor,
repurpose,
Scandinavian design,
toddler,
Wicker Park
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man
A buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous.
Mayfair
Mayfair
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Double the Pleasure Double the Fun
Logan Square continues to showcase why it's the hippest neighborhood in Chicago with gut renovations featuring side by side commodes where research has shown that couples/roommates/dinner guests are most likely to forge deep connections with others. With an increased interest in open marriages and advanced age triplicates, some Logan developers have even been discussing the addition of a third loo.
Logan Square
Logan Square
Labels:
agent,
avondale,
broker,
buyer's agent,
chicago,
condo,
double toilet bowls,
doublemint gum,
fertility drugs,
gut renovations,
hipster,
logan square,
loo,
neighborhood,
new construction,
poop,
realtor,
seller
Monday, February 27, 2017
Realtors Worth Their Weight in Paper
Real estate agents have finally begun to understand their true value lies in successfully choosing the correct fonts - a specialized skill that requires the delicate navigation of thousands of letter types, only one of which will yield the necessary offer. For an upgrade fee, select Chicago realtors will highlight items a novice buyer might have otherwise missed. However, hand selected fonts will entail an additional charge.
Hyde Park
Hyde Park
Labels:
alternative facts,
buyer,
chicago,
comic sans,
fonts,
home,
hyde park,
Kenwood,
outsource,
real estate signs,
realtor,
seller,
south side,
toilet,
virtual agents
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers
As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge".
Portage Park
Portage Park
Labels:
architect,
bubble,
buyer,
chicago,
Chistmas,
crawlspace,
flips,
garish,
gentrification,
hiding,
lawn decoration,
nazis,
portage park,
realtor,
rehab,
renovation,
second floor addition,
tear-down,
yuuge
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017
The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak.
Irving Park
Irving Park
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Tenants Attempt to Scare Future Buyers
In an effort to undermine their elderly landlord's attempt to sell his only worthwhile asset, and hopefully preserve their very below market rent, the tenants of this renovated Lakeview 6 flat posted a distinct warning to give prospective buyers doubts on their potential purchase. As of press time, there is still no confirmation that the tenants were subsidizing the homeless gentleman that was sleeping on their front stoop.
Lakeview
Lakeview
Labels:
2 flat,
6 flat,
agent,
asset,
below market rent,
exterminator,
homeless,
lakeview,
landlord,
lincoln square,
prospective buyers,
purchase,
rats,
realtor,
sell,
stoop,
tenants,
Trump sucks,
warning signs
Monday, November 14, 2016
Trump Supporters Offer Staging Services
A Bridgeport home seller with limited funds was desperately looking to modernize his aging two flat when he came across a new local start-up, Frumpy Trumpers, who convincingly assured prospective clients that they would make their home attractive to the right kind of buyer.
Bridgeport
Bridgeport
Labels:
2016 vote,
agent,
attractive,
buyer,
charlatan,
chicago,
Clinton,
Donald,
frumpy,
Hillary,
Lesbian Weiners,
paneling,
popular vote,
segregation,
seller,
staging,
Trump,
white power
Friday, October 21, 2016
Local Bath Fan Spreads the Wealth
The seller of this Jefferson Park bungalow apparently misunderstood his wife when she asked him to install a bath fan to satisfy a buyer's home inspection report. When confronted by his spouse about what kind of idiot was he, the bathroom fan installer responded, "You ask bath fan. I put bath fan. Now smell very much hallway. I no understand the women."
Jefferson Park
Jefferson Park
Labels:
agent,
bath fan,
buyer,
chicago,
diy,
exhaust fan,
home inspection report,
jefferson park,
mars and venus,
one of a kind bathroom,
portage park,
real estate,
seller,
six corners,
spousal idiots,
TESL
Friday, October 14, 2016
Lincoln Park - The Other Side
Lincoln Park is known in Chicago for it's well preserved and not inexpensive buildings consistently drawing the highest square foot home pricing in the city. However, if one looks closely between the multi-million dollar renovations and urban mansions, the sight of slightly decaying hundred year old frame buildings cast an odd wrinkle to the neighboring wealth. And much to a Lincoln Parker's dismay, the old miserly landlord won't sell. And his tenants prefer Bud Light to bathing much to the consternation of nouveau Logan Square residents who, despite their boastful pride of not being 'from' Lincoln Park, only differ in their eagerness to spend a disproportionate amount of their lower incomes on micro-brewed beers, who themselves, are hoping Bud Light will finally decide to buy them out so they can retire to Lincoln Park.
Lincoln Park
Lincoln Park
Labels:
agent,
bathtub full of cheap beer boxes,
beer,
inexpensive,
landlord,
lincoln park,
logan square,
micro-brewery,
miser,
mop,
preserved,
realtor,
renovations,
snob,
square foot,
tenants,
urban mansion
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home
Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years.
Andersonville
Andersonville
Labels:
agent,
alley,
andersonville,
black magic,
bowmanville,
buyers,
chicago,
foreclose,
garbage,
greed,
home,
lincoln square,
marketing,
occult,
Ouija board,
overpriced,
realtor,
sellers,
short sale,
The Big Short
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Buyer's Wife Threatens Castration & Divorce
An untreated addiction to home renovation shows compelled one Chicago home buyer to offer on this 'lovely home in need of some TLC.' Local castration professionals have cited a correlation between the rise in house remodeling programs and wait times for appointments.
West Town
West Town
Labels:
addiction,
agent,
buyer,
castration,
chicago,
dilapidated,
divorce,
hgtv,
home repair,
horror film set,
house remodeling,
househunters,
northside,
professional,
realtor,
renovation,
TLC,
West Town,
Wicker Park
Friday, August 26, 2016
Hipster Security Windows Attracting Thieves
Avondale home sellers are being forced to re-consider staging their homes with bike parts from Craigslist. The rapid increase in bicycle thefts across Chicago has seen a glut in demand for used bicycle parts leaving some bike burglars covering their windows to prevent other bike burglars from burglaring their recently burgled bikes.
Avondale
Avondale
Labels:
agent,
avondale,
bikes,
blue line,
broker,
burglars,
buyer,
chicago,
demand,
fixed gear,
hamburglar,
homes,
logan square,
realtor,
security windows,
seller,
staging,
thieves
Monday, August 15, 2016
Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution
In an effort to appeal to the small but growing number of home buyers who are appalled at the rapidly disintegrating conditions of the nearly endangered Midwestern dust mite, the seller of this Bronzeville rowhome enlisted the professional expertise of neighborhood carpet salvagers to create a rug so luxuriantly beautiful that dust mites would no longer have to be concerned with their eradication at the hands of hardwood floor elitists who have exhibited a wholesale philistinism toward the rights and habitat of our most beloved allergens.
Bronzeville
Bronzeville
Labels:
70's,
agent,
allergy,
Bronzeville,
buyers,
carpet,
chicago,
dust mite,
elitist,
flooring,
hardwood,
home,
hyde park,
philistine,
real estate,
renovation,
rowhome,
salvage,
shag,
south side
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Sellers Find Unique Way to Hide Water Stains
Selling a home requires money to update and repair all the neglected items homeowners have ignored over the years. But after years of dumping money into their homes, many sellers refuse to spend more money on something they want to turn around and sell. This Albany Park home creatively tried to blend cost savings while appealing to the new hipster element slowly moving into the neighborhood. The owners are hoping buyers don't decide to try on a hat.
Albany Park
Albany Park
Labels:
agent,
albany park,
bidding war,
buyers,
chicago,
creative,
hats,
hipster,
Irving Park,
lice,
lincoln square,
listing,
neighborhood,
pork pie,
realtor,
sellers,
staging,
unique,
water damage
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Vintage Waterproofing Attracts Thrifty Buyers
For a certain class of Chicago homebuyer, one seeking out historic properties at a low low price, there are elements of the 19th century they are hoping discover: tin ceilings hidden above a dropped tile ceiling, ornate molding stacked in an attic corner, stained glass windows buried in drywall, coal chute doors behind a piece of plywood.
One discovery in Garfield Park has lit up the DIY chatrooms - basement walls mounted on freestanding bricks. With so many Chicago basements subject to water penetration, homeowners spend inordinate amounts of money to keep basements dry only to find that the wily ways of water found yet another point of entry. Now the deal seeking buyers of Garfield Park greystones are recognizing the inherent genius in a forgotten turn of the century innovation. When one online commenter suggested, "you hipster idiots should get your heads examined", he was bombarded by posters telling him to, "go back to Lincoln Park" and "yuppie scum don't get re-use".
Garfield Park
One discovery in Garfield Park has lit up the DIY chatrooms - basement walls mounted on freestanding bricks. With so many Chicago basements subject to water penetration, homeowners spend inordinate amounts of money to keep basements dry only to find that the wily ways of water found yet another point of entry. Now the deal seeking buyers of Garfield Park greystones are recognizing the inherent genius in a forgotten turn of the century innovation. When one online commenter suggested, "you hipster idiots should get your heads examined", he was bombarded by posters telling him to, "go back to Lincoln Park" and "yuppie scum don't get re-use".
Garfield Park
Labels:
agents,
basement,
bricks,
chatroom,
chicago,
damage,
diy,
flood,
Garfield Park,
greystones,
hipster,
historic,
homebuyer,
humboldt park,
idiot,
lincoln park,
realtor,
vintage,
waterproof,
yuppie
Friday, April 8, 2016
Stuck between a Rock & a Meter
The prospective buyers of this Pilsen two flat refused to purchase a property that didn't have at least two bathrooms on one floor. After an exhaustive search, they discovered, behind a flapping piece of plywood, a secluded defecation alcove, nestled snug between the exterior porch and brick garage, lovingly heated by a dryer exhaust vent with unobstructed views of their tenant's kilowatt usage. The wife suggested making the toilet composting. The husband added that a skylight could be nice. And they lived happily ever after.
Pilsen
Pilsen
Labels:
agent,
bathroom,
brick garage,
buyers,
chicago,
compost,
cozy,
crapper,
creative,
green,
listing lies,
meters,
outhouse,
pilsen,
property,
purchase,
real estate,
two flat,
water views
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Realtor Offers Indian Chief to Help Home Sell
With the internet pushing to reduce the real estate profession the way of stockbrokers and video store clerks, more realtors are looking for ways to offer value to their services. One Logan Square agent is promising sacrificed animal carcasses and Native Americans to assure a speedy and successful home sale. When the sellers of this Logan Square vintage home asked if the real estate agent also included staging as part of their services, they were confidently told, "with me, you don't need staging, just the Indian and some discarded fruit scraps."
Logan Square
Logan Square
Labels:
agent,
animal sacrifice,
buyers,
chicago,
chief,
home,
hot market,
humboldt park,
indian,
internet,
logan square,
obsolete,
prayer,
real estate,
realtor,
santeria,
sellers,
staging,
vintage,
worship
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
It's a Lovely Home - Please Tear it Down
Bucktown once hosted one of Chicago's largest collections of worker's cottages, compact brick A-frame structures that were a precursor to the more well known 'bungalow', both providing an affordable version of the stand alone home so many apartment dwellers craved. Now these endangered monuments to architectural modesty act as charming totems reeling in neighborhood migrants with their "oh, isn't that home cute" looks only to serve as designer landfill for their future 5400 square foot hedge fund cottage, a wall-less box of namaste nastiness.
For those doubtful of the phenomenon, we shall look at the neighborhood's most current cottage to come to market, fully habitable and shown here, with the following listing headline, "Attractive Bucktown Cottage, followed by the captivating: Property has been in same family since 19th century , which was then buttressed with this pithy remark: Prime Bucktown lot for new construction.
Bucktown
For those doubtful of the phenomenon, we shall look at the neighborhood's most current cottage to come to market, fully habitable and shown here, with the following listing headline, "Attractive Bucktown Cottage, followed by the captivating: Property has been in same family since 19th century , which was then buttressed with this pithy remark: Prime Bucktown lot for new construction.
Bucktown
Labels:
affordable,
agent,
box home,
bucktown,
bungalow,
chicago,
hedge fund,
historic,
listing,
luxury,
neighborhood,
new construction,
new money,
realtor,
renovation,
tear down,
vintage,
Wicker Park,
worker's cottage,
yuppie
Monday, March 7, 2016
Lowest Flow Toilet Attracts Green Buyers
In a bid to attract more discerning and eco-conscious buyers, developers and sellers alike are beginning to offer zero water toilets. While initially only popular with buyers hailing from particular countries, more environmentally savvy buyers are now requesting this resource saving dynamo. This home seller told reporters, "after dropping $100,000 on a geothermal heating system, and another $200,000 for a backyard windmill, it's a real relief to only spend a few thousand bucks on one of these."
Rogers Park
Rogers Park
Labels:
agent,
buyers,
chicago,
china,
crapper,
crunchy,
developer,
dump. plunger,
eco,
environment,
Evanston,
green,
low flow toilet,
northside,
potty,
realtor,
rogers park,
seller
Monday, February 22, 2016
Tile that Fell off Back of Truck Found
A citywide hunt to locate a large quantity of missing tile, intended for a graciously appointed new construction project, has been located on a historic home in Chicago's Ravenswood Manor neighborhood. Realtors have been indundating the owner with promises of a high sales price due to the rare opportunity to live among such ornate detail. Personal injury attorneys have joined their well liked brethren in soliciting the reclusive owner in hopes of securing the role of lead counsel in the impending case of, "Chicago v. The Porch that Maims."
Ravenswood Manor
Ravenswood Manor
Labels:
agent,
albany park,
American four square,
bungalow,
buyer,
chicago,
historic,
lincoln square,
new construction,
polish,
porch,
ravenswood manor,
realtor,
seller,
slip and fall,
tile,
trendy,
why
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Landlord Really Wants to Rent
When asked why he wouldn't lower the rent on his Andersonville storefront to allow a start-up business a short term lease rather than keep the space vacant for months, the seasoned owner replied, "I'd rather take the losses on my taxes." When asked further if he felt his empty storefront was a blight on the neighborhood, he responded bluntly, "f*#k blight", before continuing, "It's my building not the neighborhood's."
Andersonville
Andersonville
Labels:
agent,
andersonville,
chicago,
edgewater,
gut renovation,
high rents,
IRS,
landlord,
listing,
mixed-use,
ravenswood,
real estate,
realtor,
storefront,
taxes,
tenant,
toilet,
Trump,
two flat
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
1.2 Million & The Porch is Yours
As the high-end single family home home boom continues unabated throughout the Northside of Chicago, builders are struggling to find details that will help their generic designs stand out. Coffered ceilings and wi-fi mudrooms are not enough. One Andersonville developer was kind enough to preserve a traditional brick two flatrental building by converting it into a luxury single family home. But to appeal to the clientele who buy such properties, he constructed a minimalist inspired front porch, lovingly sprayed with the finest automotive primer.
Andersonville
Andersonville
Labels:
andersonville,
brick,
builder,
buyers,
chicago,
design,
developer,
edgewater,
high-end,
luxury,
minimalist,
new construction,
northside,
porch,
single-family home,
tacky,
traditional,
two flat
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Dead Hipster Reveals Shocking Truth
Home Inspectors and savvy realtors warn buyers to beware of the glitz. Check out the basement, they say, it's where you'll find the ugly truth.
Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man".
Logan Square
Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man".
Logan Square
Labels:
agent,
artisanal,
basement,
bogeyman,
bungalow,
buyers,
cafe,
chock full o nuts,
coffee,
coffee can,
estate,
fair trade,
hipster,
home,
home inspector,
immigrant,
irony,
north side,
re-purposing,
realtor
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Reclaimed Wood Fridge Claimed by No One
When purchasing a home, items such as appliances and lights are considered a part of the home unless a seller decides they want to keep them. But it isn't common for buyers to refuse a fixture. Until now.
The buyers of this turn of the century Garfield Park two flat demanded that the reclaimed wood refrigerator be removed from the property by closing. They told undisclosed sources that they thought the reclaimed wood as a disgrace because it wasn't old enough, and that they would reclaim even older, more age appropriate wood for their non-stainless refrigerator.
Garfield Park
The buyers of this turn of the century Garfield Park two flat demanded that the reclaimed wood refrigerator be removed from the property by closing. They told undisclosed sources that they thought the reclaimed wood as a disgrace because it wasn't old enough, and that they would reclaim even older, more age appropriate wood for their non-stainless refrigerator.
Garfield Park
Labels:
agent,
buyers,
chicago,
closing,
contract,
Garfield Park,
historic,
home,
house,
property,
real estate,
realtor,
reclaimed wood,
refrigerator,
seller,
south side,
stainless,
trendy,
turn of the century,
two flat
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Frozen Barware Taunts Children's Playroom
A Bridgeport family converted their two flat's basement into a drinking preparation center so their children could safely play while gaining exposure to the subterranean dwelling's future use. The little ones were told that the wall was a Southside piñata that they'll get to break open on their thirteenth birthdays.
Prospective home buyers were assured that the liquor bottles and glasses were suitable for children as young as nine but that all liquor remaining was to be transferred in As-Is condition.
Bridgeport
Prospective home buyers were assured that the liquor bottles and glasses were suitable for children as young as nine but that all liquor remaining was to be transferred in As-Is condition.
Bridgeport
Labels:
2 flat,
agent,
As-Is,
bar,
basement conversion,
Bill W,
bridgeport,
broker,
buyers,
children,
contract,
family room,
home,
liquor,
listing,
playroom,
realtor,
southside,
transferred,
two flat
Friday, August 14, 2015
Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure
The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park
Portage Park
Labels:
agent,
blue line,
brick,
bungalow,
chicago,
clocks,
condominium,
home,
internet,
jefferson park,
new construction,
northwest side,
obama,
portage park,
realtor,
sellers,
single family home,
socialist,
vintage
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Crafty Seller Finds Planter Box Alternative
Known around the neighborhood for his mason jar lamps and mixing bowl hats, the owner of this historic Andersonville home was searching for a resourceful way to landscape. And when he found perfectly empty usable aluminum troughs surrounding his house, the owner just knew his neighbors would be so impressed by his latest repurposing project.
Andersonville
Andersonville
Labels:
agent,
andersonville,
buyer,
chicago,
downspout,
edgewater,
flooding,
gutters,
historic,
home,
house,
Lakewood Balmoral,
neighborhood,
projects,
rain garden,
realtor,
repurposing,
seller,
water damage
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Realtor Outsourcing Proves Successful
Honoring the public's request to fall off the face of the earth, realtors have begun to outsource their traditional role as home guide and disseminator of the obvious. Buyers and sellers alike seem happy with the trend, anxiously awaiting the day when hell freezes over so they can enjoy a reduction in commission fees.
Rogers Park
Rogers Park
Labels:
agent,
buyers,
chicago,
commission,
discount,
edgewater,
Edgewater Glen,
fees,
guide,
hell,
home,
northside,
outsourcing,
public,
real estate,
realtor,
red line,
rogers park,
sellers,
signs
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