Is Selling a Home like Fun or like a Chore?

Apparently neither. This might explain, why after seven unsuccessful months, this overpriced Lincoln Square two flat remains on the market.
Lincoln Square

Buyer Sees the Light

After ten grueling minutes slogging through a dilapidated Pilsen foreclosure wondering why his realtor brought him to such a place, the exasperated buyer finally saw the light. And the rat holes. And the dusty stack of unpaid bills. And, the exit.
Pilsen

Alcoholic Discovers the Perfect Stairs

After weeks of looking at homes with perilous descents, this proud and mighty drinker was overcome with joy to encounter a basement stairway that would allow him to successfully slumber back up to bed after a night of basement boozing. The sellers of this Rogers Park bungalow even offered to throw in their safety harness for those extra special occasions.
Rogers Park

Mother Intimidates Buyers Into Purchasing

A young couple looking at a worker's cottage in the Wicker Park neighborhood could not decide if they could accept the small yard, dated kitchen, and only one bathroom despite the competitive price. That was, until the matron of the home peered from behind the bedroom door, and sternly declared, "you don't buy this home, my kids don't eat."
Wicker Park

Gay Couple Excited to Paint House

The new buyers of this vintage North Park bungalow have been making plans to paint murals of Adam & Steve and The Three Kings starring Liberace on their cracking plaster walls after discovering a manual giving them step by step instructions.
North Park

Buyer Impressed by Stars Wars People

The buyer of this mid-century Rogers Park ranch had always assumed that people who were into Star Wars lived below their mothers in musty basement apartments surrounded by George Lucas propaganda. Then he came across the seller's sleek orange fireplace and rhapsodized about the 'oh so cool' stylings of a previously dismissed class. Due to time constraints the buyer was unable to see the charred remains of Ewoks inside the coveted fireplace.
Rogers Park

God Admits to Landlord Troubles

God told the potential buyers of her 3 flat greystone that modern ideas of tolerance are not practical. "Back in the old days, you don't pay ya rent, I stone ya. And that don't work, I take ya first born."
Garfield Park

Dutch Elm Disease Spreads to Kitchen

Refusing to be another pile of mulch in yet another Chicago community garden, this quadriplegic stump survivor decided he would reclaim his final years infecting the buttocks of Wicker Park renters who forgot to move to Logan Square ten years ago.
Wicker Park

Bedroom Flooded With Light Excites Buyer

A Chicago realtor advertising a Logan Square brick two flat as having a master bedroom flooded with light enticed one buyer to cancel his afternoon appointments in order to view this rare Chicago commodity. The current tenant expressed his satisfaction with the space exclaiming it was better than the run down garage he used to crash in.
Logan Square

Wife Insists Man's Cave Resemble Cave

A local Chicago woman, one half of the real estate duo attempting to sell their historic Portage Park bungalow, has told reporters that she refused to allow her husband to have his own bar, home theater system and pool table while she was relegated to the pantry. A mystified husband countered that the pantry had an extensive shelving system, a fold down ironing board and room for a stackable washer and dryer.
Portage Park

Stainless Hoarders Hoarding Stained Stainless

Years after stainless steel appliances captivated kitchen owners across the country, their legacy, stained stainless, has finally taken control, and new home buyers can not wait to finally own these highly impractical overpriced machines. But one Lincoln Square curmudgeon has refused to let any home buyer get their greasy fingers on his perfectly fingered stained stainless refrigerator. And buyers are protesting by refusing to write offers.
Lincoln Square

Flippers Touting Luxury Uitility Sinks

With the ubiquity of cherry cabinets, granite counters and Brazilian hardwood, investors rehabbing houses, commonly referred to by their maritime mammalian codename, "flipper", have sought out new ways to attract cutting edge home buyers. In this Mayfair bungalow, a flipper has marketed his 'reclaimed vintage' utility sink with high end Grohe shower faucet as a "must have item for those wanting the latest in utility sink fashion."
Mayfair

A Cock and A Cookie Seduce Potential Buyer

For the last few years, more and more realtors are delegating sales responsibilities to the very dependable, and always hardworking, lockbox community. But sometimes a truly motivated realtor will engage in clever sales tactics like the listing agent for this fading Edgewater Victorian who deputized a local rooster to bake some cookies for the evening showings.
Edgewater

Open House Turnout Larger than Expected

Open Houses are generally known as a place where realtors can pick up new clients while pretending to be aggressively getting buyers through the home. Over the years, home baked cookies and assorted treats have been popular items to bring in nosy neighbors and other undesirables. But one Chicago agent discovered that a misplaced laundry line can really make your clients think you are working hard.
Andersonville

Mysterious Banking Cabal Unveiled

Since the 2007-2008 housing and banking crash, investigators have been entrenched in a worldwide hunt to uncover the notorious yet unknown cabal responsible for the gross misconduct dealt to the American financial system. At approximately 17:00 hours this past Friday, the cartel was discovered lounging in the basement of a Jefferson Park estate sale. When pressed for answers to their egregious behavior, the bearded one radiating light laughed, then serenely pronounced, "y'all loved it while it lasted. 'nother brewski please."
Jefferson Park

Duck Duck Buy

A new game has emerged with home buyers in the low inventory Chicago market, where a buyer so desperate for a property will begin to blindly place bids on every third property in hopes that somebody, somewhere, please, yes, you, will take our offer even if we are unable to stand up in a single room.
Logan Square

Couple Turns to Stone Waiting for Short Sale

Rescuers discovered the missing bodies of a pair of buyers who had stowed away in the basement of the Portage Park bungalow they had hoped to buy. The Cook County Coroner has estimated the approximate date of their stoning to be approximately 139 weeks after placing their short sale offer. Upstairs, the owners of the home were found enjoying the latest in modern conveniences without the hassles of paying a mortgage.
Portage Park

Swingers Abandon Property

Apparently too much swinging can eventually lead to the same financial calamities that have affected other foreclosed homes. Potential buyers and even their realtors are now asked to sign a swinging waiver before entering a property that clarifies that any swinging they may do is at their own risk.
Sauganash

Juliet Upset Over New Home

Former Verona resident Juliet Montague was upset over her husband's purchase of this aging Avondale single family home stating that the suspended outdoor space was woefully unsuited to lure neighborhood men who might choose to serenade her on a warm evening.
Avondale

Daughter's Pitiful Look Shows Well

In an effort to add some emotional value to their overpriced Albany Park two flat, the sellers asked their eight year old daughter to scribble sentimental notes on the wall and remain in mourning when potential buyers wanted to look in her room. The sellers did offer to leave their daughter if the buyers paid more for their furnishings.
Albany Park

Dog Waiting to Attack Unsuspecting Buyers

Hoping to disguise ongoing water damage in their guest bedroom, the sellers of this Albany Park turn of the century cottage quarantined their dog to provide a seemingly valid excuse for why nobody could enter the room. One potential buyer overheard the ruffian muttering to himself, "my mother is a lying $#@&. save me. please. these glade plug-ins are killing me!"
Albany Park

Little Girl Scared of HGTV

After hours of being forced to watch HGTV by her parents, who were desperately trying to sell their overpriced Ukrainian Village home, this adventurous young girl decided to hide above her ill-fitting clothes. She was overheard by a realtor whispering, "Have you seen my backpack or my monkey?"
Ukrainian Village

Multiiple Offers Intoxicate Seller

Surprised that five different buyers wanted to pay more than she paid at the height of the Chicago real estate boom, an overjoyed seller spent the evening, and most of the next three days, sequestered in her non-functioning jacuzzi tub wondering where exactly she would move to.
River North

Questionable Wallpaper Choice Explained

The seller's realtor was unable to provide a satisfactory answer as to why a 21st century homeowner would wallpaper the ceiling of an otherwise beautiful Logan Square Victorian. Then the buyer wandered into the basement office. As of press time, the buyer is still missing.
Logan Square

Anti-Smoking VHS Bootlegger Foreclosed On

A notorious northside VHS video pirate who would place subliminal anti-smoking messages in his bootlegs was unable to compete with the booming LaserDisc market and has become another victim of the Chicago real estate crisis, losing his Edgewater Victorian mansion to foreclosure.
EDGEWATER

Child Confused...About Everything

The six year old child of potential buyers who were looking at this turn of the century Logan Square two flat bombarded her parents with questions after the family shared an extended and very awkward moment of silence.

"Mommy, why are the sheets on the ceiling? Daddy, why is there a cat on the wall? Why is is one octopus happy and one mad? Why do the legs of the happy octopus look like something my friend Connor has? Mommy, do people really live here?"
Logan Square

Federal Reserve Sells Penny to GE

Buyers of this still under renovation Lincoln Park two flat were surprised to find GE's newly released penny-light, which has promised users that the recent surge in Chinese toggle sales with not affect Americans' ability to use their lights because it's new switches have been specifically designed to turn on with your "now worthless pennies." Critics have complained of GE trying to capitalize on the popularity of Steven Spielberg's "Lincoln".
Lincoln Park

Family Goes Invisible During Showing

Unable to determine why nobody would purchase their modernist condo, a Boystown family decided to go invisible for their most recent showings in an effort to hear what buyers really thought of their home. "I didn't know androgynous albinos were mutes as well." seemed to be the most common observation.
Boystown - East Lakeview

Sequester Affects North Center Post Office

As the median home prices in the North Center neighborhood of Chicago skyrocket, and the U.S. government sequester forces federal agencies to cut services or find other sources of revenue, the local North Center post office has announced that it will sell it's lucrative branch office to a developer who is turning the 9,300 square foot facility into a LEED certified luxury single family home for a middle aged couple and their small child.

Energetic and civic minded residents have recently unveiled their replacement post office, something they assure fellow residents will never be sold, unless, of course, Whole Foods is interested in opening an urban drive-thru.
North Center

Roman Hero Struggling in Chicago Basement

After slaying hydras, lions and other assorted monsters, Italian immigrant Hercules has found life in America quite difficult as he struggles to provide heat for a presumably cold trio of families in this rapidly aging Lincoln Square brick three flat.
Lincoln Square

Family Lion Prevents Bidding War

Lured by the rarely seen affordable price tag on this Bucktown single family home, several anxious couples packed the home's slightly dated quarters whispering in hushed tones about their plans to tear down, expand, blow-up, re-build and granite out this century old dwelling. Upon exiting the property, each of the buyers told their realtor how much to bid until they were rudely interrupted by the lion guarding the front door, who brusquely told them, "keep walking. you don't want this place." The lion is currently in negotiations to acquire the property.
Bucktown

SpongeBob Shows His Dirty Side

Tired of concealing the fact that his sponge is dirtier than children realize, Ukrainian Village resident Bob Yushenko, better known to those outside Chicago as SpongeBob, has made it clear to the potential buyers of his historic brick four flat that there are two ways to handle things. When the excited buyer asked SpongeBob if his kid could use the urinal, the porous pauper grunted, "not have money to do everything the two way, but I open window for your boy, go ahead."
Ukrainian Village

Abstract Cabinetry Winning Over Hipsters

In their continued efforts to fight against mainstream orthodoxy, a certain class of buyer, sometimes referred to as 'hipster', is eschewing the 42" solid cherry cabinets that have been corrupting home buyers for the last decade, and are now opting for a cleaner minimalist look. As one enraptured young Chicago homebuyer explained, "this is what all these trendy houses don't get. We don't need to be wasting resources building cabinets to house a bunch of junk we shouldn't be storing to begin with. This new generation of cabinetry gets to the soul of who we are. See for yourself."
Ukrainian Village

Pescatarians File Fair Housing Violation

Proclaiming they were no longer willing to sit back and accept the blatant discrimination they have faced in the Chicago housing market, a young Northside couple has decided to file a Fair Housing complaint against the seller of this Edgewater three flat for refusing to acknowledge fish eaters as people who also deserve a place to cut in the kitchen.
Edgewater

Mayor Proposes Foreclosure Target Shooting

As the city of Chicago continues to search for creative ways to bring more revenue into city coffers, one new suggestion has been allowed a trial period: Foreclosure target shooting. The program is already receiving backing from the NRA who applauded the decision stating, "'bout time those liberals understood the value of a gun." And one outspoken alderman remarked, "you know we got so many guns in this city here, and da feds won't let us ban 'em, and we got all these empty buildings, so why don't we just put 'em all together and make a few bucks."
Ukrainian Village

Physical Therapist Redesigns Bathroom

After her client refused to do exercises to rehabilitate his torn rotator cuff, a local Chicago physical therapist decided her client could practice his arm stretches somewhere more comfortable. After seeing positive results, she is currently raising the height of all the light switches and has suspended his living room couch from the ceiling.
Logan Square

The Red Phone is Not a Toy

The buyer of this gorgeous Art Deco condo near the lake in Chicago's Gold Coast neighborhood assumed the red phone was merely decoration in the wood paneled study. Now authorities at the Pentagon are placing frenzied calls to leaders around the world that "they are terribly sorry, but budget cuts affected the Cold War dismantle program, and now, well, uh, you still have a few hours to evacuate."
Gold Coast

Leaking Wall Provides Green Water Source

Placing her three year old pug's bowl in front of a constant leak allowed the seller of this Lincoln Square single family to get LEED certified for a her green watering practices. She is now in negotiations with a local green building consultant to install a direct vent toilet gutter that will permit her home's commodes to fertilize her native gardens below.

Lincoln Square

Owner Demonstrates Structural Integrity

The potential buyers of this Logan Square three flat were without words, but clearly satisfied, after the extremely confident owner demonstrated that the home's smaller than usual support posts were nothing to be concerned about. She also informed the buyers that she would be willing to perform the same tests during their home inspection, and if they were really interested, she could attempt a similar test at other properties for a nominal fee.
Logan Square

Owner Not So Sure About Open Kitchen

All of his friends were doing it, so the seller of this modern Lincoln Park single family home thought that was what he should do. He had already followed their advice on those pricey granite countertops, and even pricier stainless appliances. But within weeks of using his new open kitchen, he realized something wasn't right. "I would be, like, you know, trying to cook dinner, and my date would see that I wasn't cooking anything but just taking it all out of the Trader Joe's package. Didn't look very cool. So, I said, screw my friends, I'll put up a curtain, kinda like the hospital, so now, when my dates come over, I just pull the curtain closed. Now, that is something people should follow."
Lincoln Park

Penitentiary Chic Replaces Travertine Oasis

In an effort to woo sophisticated urban buyers sympathetic to the plight of marginalized prisoners, home sellers have begun to discard their glass mosaics and tumbled travertines for an aesthetic one Chicago realtor described as, "artist loft meets abandoned cellar with a sprinkle of post-millennial apocalypse".
Andersonville

Hybrid Flooring Relieves Buyer's Insomnia

After viewing too many run down properties, a buyer became incapable of making a decision when the rehab seller of this Albany Park brick two flat actually offered her a choice of hardwood floors or wool carpeting. Four evenings of online research and a litany of calls to close friends and family further incapacitated the buyer. "No problem. I am make for you special floor. Maybe you like dance, and child is play on floor. I making many floor like this. Buyer like."
Albany Park

CHAMBER Helps Sell Tiny Bedrooms

Riding the surge of the micro seller's market sweeping certain parts of Chicago, some realtors are now referring to their Victorian twin size bedrooms as 'chambers' as in this crumbling late 19th century cottage branded as a "lovely piece of history with four splendid chambers". By this summer, local realtors hope to re-cast the utility room as a 'parlor' and the small kitchen pantry as a 'boudoir'.
Uptown

Wife's Visualization Not Always an Asset

She has spent the last two months helping her husband understand how dilapidated foreclosed kitchens can transform into their dream kombucha brewing pizza baking oasis, and gone through elaborate pantomime to demonstrate how an outdated smoke stained living room can become the mid-century masterpiece they have dreamed so long about.

Now, this rabid visualizer is having to confront her own lethal skills, which she carefully whispered to her sympathetic buyer's agent, "I saw us getting ready for work in the morning. He was on the toilet and I was brushing my teeth, when I looked up in the mirror and our eyes made contact, the Tom's organic mint sprayed across the vanity. It was frightening. We have to go."
Lincoln Square

Sinkwashers Boosting Lincoln Park Prices

In an effort to increase rent, and not turn off would-be renters in one of Chicago's toniest neighborhoods, the owner of this Lincoln Park three flat has transformed his sink cabinet with a used dishwasher panel. When asked about potential tenants feeling deceived by his non-functioning dishwasher, the three flat owner tersely remarked, "I not do such thing. You not know nothing the dishwash! I am leave open drain pipe. Renter only putting dish in dishwash, then open water, and he wash dish, then take dish from dishwash CLEAN. This is dishwasher, yes? Yes, this is dishwash."
LINCOLN PARK

Hugh Hefner's Original Club For Sale

Chicago's original Playboy club, started by Mr. Hefner in the second grade, is finally available for purchase, even including some of Hugh's earliest literature. Buyers will only be shown the famed grotto after they sign a waiver stating that if they disappear, the seller is not responsible.
AVONDALE