Santa Giving Up This Year

The Chicago neighborhood of Woodlawn has been experiencing the interest of developers and home buyers priced out of neighboring Hyde Park. But another curious entity has also discovered this Southside trend - Santa. Just days before the celebration of Christ's birth, children's toys have been mysteriously turning up in vacant backyards throughout Woodlawn and South Shore.

One source close to the nimble footed Chunky Claus told reporters that she heard him mumbling about the unaccommodating hours of Toys-R-Us, then the higher cost of elf labor, and now the unrelenting assault by "Amazonk" who has essentially rendered his services worthless. It has been rumored that the former head of the largest toy distributing ring in the universe is considering driving for Lyft, telling the unnamed source "I don't need GPS, and I can cover way more ground than these schlubs. Sure after factoring in the cost of additional reindeers, increased reindeer dietary needs and reindeer insurance, I probably won't make much more than minimum wage, but what I am gonna do - sit around with those greedy midgets all winter."
Woodlawn

Swings Have No Home Here

Rogers Park is a Chicago neighborhood known for it's social activism, but some resident activists have felt defeated in their battle to solve lives that matter, homes that hate, and presidents that really suck. So they have organized to support an entity that residents of all beliefs and political parties can stand behind. Literally. Local activists are feeling good about their efforts, but remaining cautiously optimistic, stating "we are starting to hear about certain families being divided, often with one sibling refusing to swing." The spokesperson continued to tell the only reporter present, "people think this is about raising our home values, which would be nice, and I wouldn't complain, cause you know, our price is still down from the 2007 peak, but this is really about supporting our local swings. How much do you think I could get for my place?"
Rogers Park

An Agent & A Drone Meet in a Bar

Realtors are constantly trying to make themselves stand out in a profession surrounded by so many that are The Best, The Most Trustworthy, The Most Reliable, Top Rated, Best Looking Photo to Snuggle Against on a Bus Bench, etc. So, one Chicago agent has decided that buyers and sellers are finally ready for some honesty by advertising what they actually do, but a recent client was unwilling to vouch for his forthright real estate professional, exclaiming, "this is typical of the bums in this industry. I thought they were going to fly one of those little planes over my home cause I hear the people buying home now only buy if they get home photos from sky. They lie. The all lie!" The honest yet confused drone agent responded, "Why would he want me to provide expensive photos that are free to everybody in Google Maps. I spent so much time talking at him but I guess he didn't listen."
Ravenswood

Whack-A-Mole Glory Hole a Big Hit

The basement bar has long been a staple of the American Home, a place where returning World War II soldiers could experience the brotherhood they left behind on the shores of Normandy or hills of Iwo Jima. And from one military conflict to another, the American basement bar prevailed until the Clinton years when a lack of foreign interventions and boy band mania led to the deconstruction of these icons of patriotism. Now, after fifteen years of glorious international combat, Chicago is leading the way with it's post-modern basement bar tribute - a true sanctuary where patrons can experience the pleasures of subterranean prestige. Buyers of this Avondale home have been leaving in a hushed awe, swept away with wonder at the promise of something beyond the imagination.
Avondale

Toddler Constructs Throne for Daddy

A rigorous Montessori program has allowed a local Humboldt Park toddler to build an elevated toilet so that her father could rest like a king when he tells her, "Daddy's busy now, go ask your mother". The same coveted preschool program is introducing an entire curriculum based around the crafting of space 'to honor those who love you.' It was stressed during class that the 'potty palace' could be for either parent much as the re-purposed Swedish massage room featuring exchange teacher/au pair Magnus on select evenings. After the construction of the second project, this featured home is now for sale.
Humboldt Park

Bedroom Offends the Least Interesting Man

A buyer deemed the 'least interesting man in the world' by his husband, 4 year old son, and aging cockapoo was so offended by the bedroom in this Mayfair bungalow that he insisted on leaving the showing immediately. Reached for comment, the least interesting man said, "What type of person keeps their Cheez-its in their bedroom next to a bunch of Elvis heads and a cardboard cut-out of their grandfather. That tells me this house is too 20th century for me." The least interesting man's family asked to remain anonymous.
Mayfair

Double the Pleasure Double the Fun

Logan Square continues to showcase why it's the hippest neighborhood in Chicago with gut renovations featuring side by side commodes where research has shown that couples/roommates/dinner guests are most likely to forge deep connections with others. With an increased interest in open marriages and advanced age triplicates, some Logan developers have even been discussing the addition of a third loo.
Logan Square

Realtors Worth Their Weight in Paper

Real estate agents have finally begun to understand their true value lies in successfully choosing the correct fonts - a specialized skill that requires the delicate navigation of thousands of letter types, only one of which will yield the necessary offer. For an upgrade fee, select Chicago realtors will highlight items a novice buyer might have otherwise missed. However, hand selected fonts will entail an additional charge.
Hyde Park

Santa's Helpers Hiding from Rehabbers

As the westward march of Chicago house flips, remodels and tear-downs continues, some residents are refusing to let go of their beloved homes. At this aging Portage Park bungalow, a platoon of Christmas warriors is currently holed up in a secluded crawlspace hoping to reappear on their beloved green carpet next December, likely overshadowed by an enormous second floor addition that even the president would think was garish, or more likely, "yuuuge, yes, but not good yuuuge".
Portage Park

Basement Ritual Promises a Better 2017

The seller of this Irving Park two flat was instructed to host a sacrificial ceremony in his property's basement to exorcise the demons that were preventing his home from selling in 2016. After quickly locating resident rodents to preside as higher power gifts, it was revealed that 2017 & the impending Trump presidency will be a boon for sellers of overpriced & dismally maintained properties, who assure buyers that their property is huge, just amazing, terrific and a tremendous value. Those other homes are weak losers. Weak.
Irving Park

Tenants Attempt to Scare Future Buyers

In an effort to undermine their elderly landlord's attempt to sell his only worthwhile asset, and hopefully preserve their very below market rent, the tenants of this renovated Lakeview 6 flat posted a distinct warning to give prospective buyers doubts on their potential purchase. As of press time, there is still no confirmation that the tenants were subsidizing the homeless gentleman that was sleeping on their front stoop.
Lakeview

Trump Supporters Offer Staging Services

A Bridgeport home seller with limited funds was desperately looking to modernize his aging two flat when he came across a new local start-up, Frumpy Trumpers, who convincingly assured prospective clients that they would make their home attractive to the right kind of buyer.
Bridgeport

Local Bath Fan Spreads the Wealth

The seller of this Jefferson Park bungalow apparently misunderstood his wife when she asked him to install a bath fan to satisfy a buyer's home inspection report. When confronted by his spouse about what kind of idiot was he, the bathroom fan installer responded, "You ask bath fan. I put bath fan. Now smell very much hallway. I no understand the women."
Jefferson Park

Lincoln Park - The Other Side

Lincoln Park is known in Chicago for it's well preserved and not inexpensive buildings consistently drawing the highest square foot home pricing in the city. However, if one looks closely between the multi-million dollar renovations and urban mansions, the sight of slightly decaying hundred year old frame buildings cast an odd wrinkle to the neighboring wealth. And much to a Lincoln Parker's dismay, the old miserly landlord won't sell. And his tenants prefer Bud Light to bathing much to the consternation of nouveau Logan Square residents who, despite their boastful pride of not being 'from' Lincoln Park, only differ in their eagerness to spend a disproportionate amount of their lower incomes on micro-brewed beers, who themselves, are hoping Bud Light will finally decide to buy them out so they can retire to Lincoln Park.
Lincoln Park

Occult Marketing Can't Sell Overpriced Home

Despite low housing inventory, record low interest rates, and a glut of buyers, some Chicago home sellers can't manage to sell their houses. Such sellers are adamant they know what their home is worth, and if a neighbor who clearly had inferior faucets and less exotic hardwood floors could sell his house, then their home is worth the premium. When asked if they might be acting a bit greedy, the owners of the non-selling homes were fairly unanimous in their opinion - they'll save their mortgage payments for a couple of years, let the bank foreclose, rent somewhere nearby, and buy again in two to three years.
Andersonville

Buyer's Wife Threatens Castration & Divorce

An untreated addiction to home renovation shows compelled one Chicago home buyer to offer on this 'lovely home in need of some TLC.' Local castration professionals have cited a correlation between the rise in house remodeling programs and wait times for appointments.
West Town

Hipster Security Windows Attracting Thieves

Avondale home sellers are being forced to re-consider staging their homes with bike parts from Craigslist. The rapid increase in bicycle thefts across Chicago has seen a glut in demand for used bicycle parts leaving some bike burglars covering their windows to prevent other bike burglars from burglaring their recently burgled bikes.
Avondale

Hardwood Floor Allergy? Seller has Solution

In an effort to appeal to the small but growing number of home buyers who are appalled at the rapidly disintegrating conditions of the nearly endangered Midwestern dust mite, the seller of this Bronzeville rowhome enlisted the professional expertise of neighborhood carpet salvagers to create a rug so luxuriantly beautiful that dust mites would no longer have to be concerned with their eradication at the hands of hardwood floor elitists who have exhibited a wholesale philistinism toward the rights and habitat of our most beloved allergens.
Bronzeville

Sellers Find Unique Way to Hide Water Stains

Selling a home requires money to update and repair all the neglected items homeowners have ignored over the years. But after years of dumping money into their homes, many sellers refuse to spend more money on something they want to turn around and sell. This Albany Park home creatively tried to blend cost savings while appealing to the new hipster element slowly moving into the neighborhood. The owners are hoping buyers don't decide to try on a hat.
Albany Park

Vintage Waterproofing Attracts Thrifty Buyers

For a certain class of Chicago homebuyer, one seeking out historic properties at a low low price, there are elements of the 19th century they are hoping discover: tin ceilings hidden above a dropped tile ceiling, ornate molding stacked in an attic corner, stained glass windows buried in drywall, coal chute doors behind a piece of plywood.

One discovery in Garfield Park has lit up the DIY chatrooms - basement walls mounted on freestanding bricks. With so many Chicago basements subject to water penetration, homeowners spend inordinate amounts of money to keep basements dry only to find that the wily ways of water found yet another point of entry. Now the deal seeking buyers of Garfield Park greystones are recognizing the inherent genius in a forgotten turn of the century innovation. When one online commenter suggested, "you hipster idiots should get your heads examined", he was bombarded by posters telling him to, "go back to Lincoln Park" and "yuppie scum don't get re-use".
Garfield Park

Stuck between a Rock & a Meter

The prospective buyers of this Pilsen two flat refused to purchase a property that didn't have at least two bathrooms on one floor. After an exhaustive search, they discovered, behind a flapping piece of plywood, a secluded defecation alcove, nestled snug between the exterior porch and brick garage, lovingly heated by a dryer exhaust vent with unobstructed views of their tenant's kilowatt usage. The wife suggested making the toilet composting. The husband added that a skylight could be nice. And they lived happily ever after.
Pilsen

Realtor Offers Indian Chief to Help Home Sell

With the internet pushing to reduce the real estate profession the way of stockbrokers and video store clerks, more realtors are looking for ways to offer value to their services. One Logan Square agent is promising sacrificed animal carcasses and Native Americans to assure a speedy and successful home sale. When the sellers of this Logan Square vintage home asked if the real estate agent also included staging as part of their services, they were confidently told, "with me, you don't need staging, just the Indian and some discarded fruit scraps."
Logan Square

It's a Lovely Home - Please Tear it Down

Bucktown once hosted one of Chicago's largest collections of worker's cottages, compact brick A-frame structures that were a precursor to the more well known 'bungalow', both providing an affordable version of the stand alone home so many apartment dwellers craved. Now these endangered monuments to architectural modesty act as charming totems reeling in neighborhood migrants with their "oh, isn't that home cute" looks only to serve as designer landfill for their future 5400 square foot hedge fund cottage, a wall-less box of namaste nastiness.

For those doubtful of the phenomenon, we shall look at the neighborhood's most current cottage to come to market, fully habitable and shown here, with the following listing headline, "Attractive Bucktown Cottage, followed by the captivating: Property has been in same family since 19th century , which was then buttressed with this pithy remark: Prime Bucktown lot for new construction.
Bucktown

Lowest Flow Toilet Attracts Green Buyers

In a bid to attract more discerning and eco-conscious buyers, developers and sellers alike are beginning to offer zero water toilets. While initially only popular with buyers hailing from particular countries, more environmentally savvy buyers are now requesting this resource saving dynamo. This home seller told reporters, "after dropping $100,000 on a geothermal heating system, and another $200,000 for a backyard windmill, it's a real relief to only spend a few thousand bucks on one of these."
Rogers Park

Tile that Fell off Back of Truck Found

A citywide hunt to locate a large quantity of missing tile, intended for a graciously appointed new construction project, has been located on a historic home in Chicago's Ravenswood Manor neighborhood. Realtors have been indundating the owner with promises of a high sales price due to the rare opportunity to live among such ornate detail. Personal injury attorneys have joined their well liked brethren in soliciting the reclusive owner in hopes of securing the role of lead counsel in the impending case of, "Chicago v. The Porch that Maims."
Ravenswood Manor

Landlord Really Wants to Rent

When asked why he wouldn't lower the rent on his Andersonville storefront to allow a start-up business a short term lease rather than keep the space vacant for months, the seasoned owner replied, "I'd rather take the losses on my taxes." When asked further if he felt his empty storefront was a blight on the neighborhood, he responded bluntly, "f*#k blight", before continuing, "It's my building not the neighborhood's."
Andersonville

1.2 Million & The Porch is Yours

As the high-end single family home home boom continues unabated throughout the Northside of Chicago, builders are struggling to find details that will help their generic designs stand out. Coffered ceilings and wi-fi mudrooms are not enough. One Andersonville developer was kind enough to preserve a traditional brick two flatrental building by converting it into a luxury single family home. But to appeal to the clientele who buy such properties, he constructed a minimalist inspired front porch, lovingly sprayed with the finest automotive primer.
Andersonville

Dead Hipster Reveals Shocking Truth

Home Inspectors and savvy realtors warn buyers to beware of the glitz. Check out the basement, they say, it's where you'll find the ugly truth.

Buyers of this Logan Square estate were astonished to discover an unsuspected horror: Unfairly traded non-artisanal coffee. Most revealed that they would be unable to occupy such a home. But one prospective Logan Square Immigrant noted, "he probably just stored his Ipsento Sumatran beans in there, great re-purposing man".
Logan Square

Reclaimed Wood Fridge Claimed by No One

When purchasing a home, items such as appliances and lights are considered a part of the home unless a seller decides they want to keep them. But it isn't common for buyers to refuse a fixture. Until now.

The buyers of this turn of the century Garfield Park two flat demanded that the reclaimed wood refrigerator be removed from the property by closing. They told undisclosed sources that they thought the reclaimed wood as a disgrace because it wasn't old enough, and that they would reclaim even older, more age appropriate wood for their non-stainless refrigerator.
Garfield Park

Frozen Barware Taunts Children's Playroom

A Bridgeport family converted their two flat's basement into a drinking preparation center so their children could safely play while gaining exposure to the subterranean dwelling's future use. The little ones were told that the wall was a Southside piñata that they'll get to break open on their thirteenth birthdays.

Prospective home buyers were assured that the liquor bottles and glasses were suitable for children as young as nine but that all liquor remaining was to be transferred in As-Is condition.
Bridgeport

Obama Counts Down Time to Foreclosure

The sellers of this Portage Park bungalow read on the internet that a new president would foreclose on all homes older than fifty years in order to drive the economy with new construction condominium development. They also read something on the myth of climate change and decided to move to a state called Arizona.
Portage Park

Crafty Seller Finds Planter Box Alternative

Known around the neighborhood for his mason jar lamps and mixing bowl hats, the owner of this historic Andersonville home was searching for a resourceful way to landscape. And when he found perfectly empty usable aluminum troughs surrounding his house, the owner just knew his neighbors would be so impressed by his latest repurposing project.
Andersonville

Realtor Outsourcing Proves Successful

Honoring the public's request to fall off the face of the earth, realtors have begun to outsource their traditional role as home guide and disseminator of the obvious. Buyers and sellers alike seem happy with the trend, anxiously awaiting the day when hell freezes over so they can enjoy a reduction in commission fees.
Rogers Park

Buyers Warned About Going Number 1

The elderly seller of this Albany Park bungalow could not understand why potential buyers (or grandchildren) of his family home kept urinating in the basement. Apparently, the owner didn't know that raccoons can't read.
Albany Park

Patriotic & Paranoid - A True American

In preparation for July 4th, the potential seller of this Pilsen home let it be known that God blesses our nation and private property, however God will not consider VA loans. Cash only please.
Pilsen

Pilsen Artists Really Struggling

The tenants of this Pilsen two flat were bemoaning increasing rents to prospective buyers of their building, highlighting their third world television as a prime example of their financial difficulties. They then retreated to their enclosed porch to watch a BitTorrent download of Game of Thrones on their new Macbook.
Pilsen

Bathroom Fan Eliminated

In an effort to provide users with a guilt-free experience, the sellers of this Avondale single family home have created a towering structure guaranteed to conquer even the worst odors. Broan fans have allegedly announced a merger with Febreze to thwart all efforts at unseating their monopoly on the residential bathroom experience.
Avondale

The Aliens Have Finally Landed...in Chicago

Generations of Americans have wondered why the Aliens, the ones on UFOs, never seem to land in a big city. Well they finally did! And now the owner of this Edgewater home wants out. The extra terrestrial infestation is likely driving the sale of this non-traditional Chicago home, which some are speculating could be the latest design for the now ubiquitous boxy SmartTech home. As of press time, the aliens are postponing showings until they can remove all signs of Earthly life.
Edgewater

Buyer Seduced by Staging

Cookies baking at Open Houses, perfectly organized closets and color coordinated shelves failed to woo a discriminating home buyer who claimed "that garbage doesn't work on me." He later remarked, on repeated occasions, "do they honestly think that I'm that stupid?" And then he chanced upon the owner's bed, which hosted his Dostoevsky novel and reading glasses, obvious remnants of a busy man before he raced into his travertine glass mosaic full body spray rain shower on his way to the office. Sold! 4 month old unspoiled fruit and water-free orchids included.
Lincoln Square

Low Cost Realtor Keeps Delivering

In a real estate market this hot, simply discussing the sale of your home brings in offers. And the ever-so-clever real estate business has a plan for you. For a mere $6,950, they'll take a photo, click the upload button, leave a box on your door with keys to your home and for a limited time only, visit the property one time to post a professional SOLD sign.
Ravenswood

DISH TV Feeling Inadequate

Size still matters. That is the hard lesson a deflated DISH TV was feeling in West Town during an Open House this past Sunday. Buyers and their realtors were pouring into the backyard, a normally lackluster experience in Chicago, raving about "how big it is", and "oh my, I haven't seen one that big since college", and the often repeated, "they probably won't be leaving that".
West Town

80's Tiki Tub Fools Buyers

Enchanted by 1950's and 1980's decor, a very young and hip Logan Square couple knew they found their dream house when they came across this Tiki jacuzzi tub in the master suite. As their realtor pointed out the likely defects in the heating and plumbing system, along with the large foundation wall cracks, the buyers continued talking about the huge Mai-Tai bath parties they were going to have before exclaiming they were ready to offer.
Logan Square

Hockey Dad Promises Better Rink Next Year

A Logan Square father, hockey fanatic, and home seller has promised all interested parties including but not limited to his dear children and extremely irate wife, that he will not attempt to build an ice rink in their future basement. He has suggested that perhaps the new home might have space for an indoor pool.
Logan Square

Realtor Exhausted After Open House

An afternoon of saying, "welcome" and "please fill in the sign-in sheet" has left this Chicago realtor ready for nigh-nigh. Potential home buyers were confused by the agent's muffled vocabulary, but relieved to find his large bunny friend sleeping in the upstairs guest bedroom.
Portage Park

Couple Loses Baby During Open House

"Have you seen my baby?" These were the frantic words pleaded by a couple at an Open House in Humboldt Park this weekend. The buyers were hoping to get a great deal on a two flat that they could convert into a single family home, but one of the families, who was at risk of losing their affordable apartment, decided that prayer over the little one might engender feelings of empathy from the child's parents. When the child was finally discovered by the distraught couple, they admonished the praying renters by loudly exclaiming, "we were going to give you people a full thirty days notice to vacate and allow you to have our moving boxes too, but not anymore!"
Humboldt Park

Buffalo Threatens Buyers

A beheaded Cape buffalo overheard potential buyers discussing how he could be included with the sale of this historic three flat. Initially, he was peeved at being referred to as a mere 'bull', but what really enraged him was the buyers' decision to put their tv over the fireplace and move the buffalo to the future basement bar. "My master once had a tv over the fireplace, but when he brought me home from the auction, I told him, 'what kind of philistine are you? Don't you ever put a television over a fireplace! What kind of fu*#*@ idiot does that? And if somebody is going to be the center of attention, it's me godda$#%*!" The buffalo convinced the seller to get an additional five thousand dollars for the head so the buffalo could buy a 3D printout of his body and get the $#@! out of Lincoln Park."
Lincoln Park

Buyer Prefers Newer New Construction

The kitchen countertops weren't right. And the tile in the bathroom was too big. And those earth tones on the wall were just terrible. Some plebeians would attempt a moderate renovation, or god forbid, live with it. But among the new elite class that are flocking to Chicago's Andersonville neighborhood, status has become defined by how recently your home was built.
Andersonville