Owls Asked to Watch Over Cats for Awhile

Six felines were observed running naked and free throughout this Bridgeport two flat while the building's lone residents, a tight knit group of rare Calumet Owls, kept watch over the dwelling. The owls had no word on the whereabouts of the home's owners. BRIDGEPORT

The Hulk Attacks Another Bungalow

Homesellers have had to contend with the harmful effects of foreclosures, short sales, and a nervous buying public. And now a new threat has extended the agony. A buyer calling himself Mr. Hulk has been making his way to open houses in the Chicago area, last seen running through this brick wall in the Bridgeport neighborhood. If you or someone you know sees him, authorities are asking that you stay far away. But a contractor named Mishka is asking that anyone coming across this Mr. Hulk call him immediately because his demo guy has been missing for the last week. BRIDGEPORT

Loner Son Unhappy About Brother's Success

While touring potential buyers through his deceased parent's century old Pilsen worker's cottage, the son of the estate pointed to the wall and declared, "Look at that huge painting of my older brother and his stupid wife that everyone thinks is so amazing and their stupid little castle in Europe. And then me, with only that little photo. My parents never understood me. I hope you buy this place so I can get back to the desert and away from all this stuff."
PILSEN

Sellers Turn on Their Lovelight for Earth Day

Homesellers across unincorporated sections of West Bucktown, known to some locals as Humboldt Park, have coordinated their love for Earth this weekend, by letting their lovelights shine.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Fireplace Wars set to Replace Cupcake Wars

HGTV has recently announced that it will have a new reality show centered around fireplace competitions marketing itself with the tagline, "We'll burn your cupcakes...with our electric fireplaces."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Tenants Threaten to Use Squirting Faucet

Upset that their landlord didn't notify them about an impending eviction due to foreclosure, despite collecting their generous section 8 vouchers every month, the tenants of this Logan Square four flat left lethal warnings throughout the property that visitors may be attacked with a very long squirting faucet, one of the many things their former landlord refused to touch.
LOGAN SQUARE

4 Dimensional Room Leaves Buyers Stranded

As of presstime, the buyers are still there.
AVONDALE

Little People Have Bad Taste Too

Long immune from aesthetic critique due to the difficulty in adapting to everyday tall people situations, little people are now facing the wrath of HGTV couch critics who have deplored the latest trend in little people showers as "It wasn't 80's trash for just the tall people."
BRIDGEPORT

Bridgeport Welcomes California Rejects

After years of trying to convince California architecture snobs and obstinate homeowners association boards that they belong in the state Jerry Brown built, two Golden State constructed homes have absconded to Chicago's Bridgeport neighborhood, where a small political contribution, deducted weekly from a credit card of their choice, won them the right to show their forward thinking beauty to the Southside masses.
BRIDGEPORT

Hieroglyphs Found. Buyers Delighted.

A young Chicago couple, purchasing their first home in the city's West Town neighborhood, was overcome with enthusiastic glee upon discovering ancient wall writings depicting life for the building's former inhabitants. The wife was overheard telling her bewildered husband, "they wanted us to enjoy their toilet seat since they were moving to a smaller home."
WEST TOWN

Drunk Radiator Man Screws Up Again

That one really inexpensive radiator guy people love to call for simple heating repairs has done it again. When the landlord noticed his radiators on the ceiling, he simply shrugged and said, "he always do such things, but for that price, what to do? Tenant no can say anything. Look. You see. Still hot."
LOGAN SQUARE

In-Laws Prevented From Coming Up

After several months of late night kitchen snacking in the buff interruptions, numerous unsolicited opinions on how to best grow his business, and several instances of hard to recover remotes, an Albany Park homeowner has decided to permanently cut off his In-Laws access to his first floor living space. The owner has been selling his house with the tagline, "finally, a Chicago 'in-law' that keeps them where they belong!"
ALBANY PARK

Bank Forces Homeowner to Play William Tell

An investigator for a large national bank showed up at this Logan Square two flat last week, bearing a crossbow and painted the dreaded Burroughs Circle on the kitchen wall before asking the borrower to assume the position and verify one more time if he's actually been unemployed for three years or has chosen not to work and live rent free. The home appeared vacant upon inspection with the buyers noting the strong smell of "something rotting."
LOGAN SQUARE

Child Scared of New Bedroom

While shopping for an affordable home in the Lakeview neighborhood, a couple excitedly told their six year old child, "this is going to be the best bedroom ever", before the husband whispered to his wife, "is this really how we have to live for him to attend a good public school in Chicago?"
LAKEVIEW (Bell School District!!!!! Yeah!)

Dumbbell Asked To Do Something For Once

An abandoned dumbbell was asked to pull it's weight after freeloading in this Bucktown attic for the last half century. Dumbbell has been asking if he's free to go yet.
BUCKTOWN

Voice From Above Told Him To Do It

A stately gentleman in a University of Wisconsin sweatshirt and a delicate pair of fraying sandals was discovered early today, on this Ukrainian Village porch, sprawled on his back, mumbling incoherently as he pointed to the ceiling, "up there, the voice, he told me to go away, that he didn't want to see me. Did you know that God's a woman?"
Ukrainian Village

Army of Little People Vanishes

A small but powerful band of marauding little people, last seen entering a dwarfish door in this abandoned Wicker Park 3 flat has not been seen in over a week despite the odd glow neighbors have reported seeing through the crumbling attic windows. Anyone with information is requested to call the Little People Motorbike Association immediately.
WICKER PARK

What is Behind that Red Leather Door?

Potential buyers of this Bucktown multi-unit are being asked if they are interested in entering a raffle to guess what is behind the locked red leather door for a chance to win a free furnace cleaning and one year of free furnace filters should they purchase the several hundred thousand dollar property.
BUCKTOWN

Alcoholic Buyer Re-thinks His Habits

Having loudly exclaimed, "that's the coolest f$@kin staircase I've ever seen" a local alcoholic buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, then quickly retorted to himself, "guess this means my drink days may be over" but his frown was quickly resuscitated by the rays of light shining on a tall water pipe structure, visible in the distance with a smiling skull encompassing it's base.
BUCKTOWN

Window Restrained For Continued Outbursts

An unruly window in a Bros occupied Wicker Park three flat was forced into submission by one Bro who could be heard yelling to his Bromate, "Bro, I'm tired of finding the window in the gangway when I come home from the gym." "Sorry bro", was meekly uttered from the rear bedroom over the drone of heated ESPN analysis.
WICKER PARK

Southside Basement Devastated by Vandalism

The owners of this Bridgeport two flat pleaded with potential buyers to avoid going in the basement, claiming imminent danger for those who descended. Upon returning from the lower level, the sellers were seen with heads hung in shame, a Sox flag hanging at half mast flapping behind them.
BRIDGEPORT

Embarrassed Walls Melting in Protest

Suffering from the humiliation of it's curtain being forcefully removed by disgruntled tenants, this Albany Park shower has slowly begun the disintegration process. It has requested that anybody willing to save it consider those really neat glass mosaic tiles, otherwise please replace curtain immediately.
Albany Park

Grout Lined Granite is All the Rage

Remodelers and Developers continue to set trends in housing by offering the one thing a buyer should care about: Quality Countertops. In their latest effort to offer the prospective homebuyer comfort and luxury, builders are altering the previous decade's demand for smooth granite with the more contrasting feel of grout lined granite, formerly known as TILE. And all this is available right now, for the same price as the less desirable grout free granite.
AVONDALE

Plumber Forgets to put Pipes Behind Wall

Worried he might be late to his weekly Weight Watchers meeting, a plumber in this Logan Square Victorian hurriedly assembled his copper plumbing pipes and rejoiced when he turned the water back on and discovered no leaks. Mysteriously, the plumber nor the contractor have returned to the home to retrieve the remainder of their tools. The owner has been highlighting the odd piping structure as a Green way to warm and dry your towels while enjoying the luxury of hot toilet paper.
LOGAN SQUARE

Stairs to Nowhere Bill Finally Passes

After years of wrangling between lobbyists on both sides of the Stairs to Nowhere issue, Congress finally passed the controversial legislation which advocates hail as an important milestone in providing impoverished families with the physical embodiment "of a way out" that will in turn help jump start the economy, while opponents are decrying the passage as "just one more needless piece of welfare that handicaps it's recipients rather than setting them free." Local detractors in Chicago are already pointing out loopholes that allow for the hanging of personal clothing items which effectively close the Stairs to Nowhere.
Mayfair

Dutch Woman Last Seen on Roof

An elderly Dutch woman, alleged to be Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas, was last seen on her northwest side bungalow roof, attempting to complete her monthly moth ball distribution. Anyone who may have seen Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas should contact the Association for Lost Dutch Grandmothers making sure to note exact clog size.
PORTAGE PARK

Organic Juice Lady Targets Cobra Drinkers

Local crazy Juice woman known to many locals as "that crazy Juice woman" has elevated her campaign to get Humboldt Park residents to drink healthy yummy organic locally pressed non pasteurized fair trade juice. She is calling her new campaign, "40's for Juice" and is imploring locals currently residing in the park to trade in their favorite malt liquor bottles and receive "a forty that won't need a paper bag."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Bank Lovingly Provides Caretaker's Bedroom

Devastated by a wave of vandalism that has been dragging down the already below market prices of bank owned foreclosures, especially here in Chicago, banks have begun providing incentives for tenants or caretakers to remain in the property in order to maintain the appearance of a home in liveable condition.
ROGERS PARK

Government Regulating Dirty Laundry

In an effort to attract more homebuyers to assist the banks in alleviating their increasing foreclosure stock, the federal government has recently passed the SLOPPI(Soiled Laundry OMG Prevents Purchaser's Interest) Bill to assuage potential buyers fears that discarded clothing articles will become inherited fixtures. Violators, who refuse to place a visible barricade no closer than 32 inches from the offending pile, are urged to be reported to the SLOPPI hotline, 800-RU-SLOPI.
ROGERS PARK

Bathroom Escape Hatches Gaining Popularity

Developers and Remodelers in Chicago are responding to growing homeowner demand to provide washroom facilities that allow users to exit through a backdoor in order to avoid issues that may result from the user's recent breakdown at dinner over her husband's inappropriate use of a salad fork to eat his steak, or itching desire to escape the constant nagging of her mother-in-law, or simply to allow the Indian dinner to air itself naturally.
RAVENSWOOD

Local Poets Fighting Gentrification

In the ongoing saga to keep local Chicago neighborhoods real, and free from the onslaught of people who care about their properties, block, and children, local poets have gone on a poetic rampage, with rivals posting lesser knowns tags:
Tattletales get Battlenails
Sellouts get Hellpouts
Yuppies get Puppies
HUMBOLDT PARK (where else?)

Don't Worry, Just a Small Leak

Realtors earned their name because they are so Realistic, evidenced by the multiple assurances delivered by this realtor that "it's nothing, just a small leak, very easy to fix". The seller's realtor was so realistic she avoided standing under the soon to collapse ceiling of this Logan Square single family home.
LOGAN SQUARE

Seller Brags About New Shower Seat

Taking over tour duties for his slack realtor, the excitable seller of this Jefferson Park two flat raved about the health benefits he has received over the years from enjoying extended showers sitting upright on his homemade therapeutic resting spot, one he affectionately called his "little wet pole".
JEFFERSON PARK

Recent Recent New Artifact Found

Finally, after thirty nine years of sleep in the back corner of this Ravenswood basement, a bourbon bottle has not exceeded it's promise.
RAVENSWOOD

New Porch Embarrassed by Views

After a $9,000 facelift to comply with Chicago's "if it can't hold a mack truck, it's out" new porch ordinance, this near west side porch has requested that visitors refrain from looking to their right, or they will be asked to leave. When asked for comment, the rehabbed porch grunted, "location, location location my @ss. why they no say, 'neighbor, neighbor, neighbor'. No matter what job you have. All job stinky. Matter who work with you."
UKRAINIAN VILLAGE

ComEd Introduces Fahrenheit Plus

In it's continued efforts to get customers to cut their energy use, and reduce profits to shareholders, ComEd has recently introduced FahrenheitPlus, a revolutionary new temperature system that takes the emotional pain out of setting your thermostat to 74 degrees in the winter. Now, you can simply round up, call it '8' and enjoy the warmth.
BOWMANVILLE

Estate Sale forces Girl Watchers to Relocate

After the unfortunate death of the International Girl Watching founder, the world headquarters of the International Order is desperately looking for another basement where they can conduct their weekly meetings where topics such as "the demise of Thin Mint", "what happened to those pretty circles they used to draw over the "i"?", and "what is so special about this Justin Bieber?"
LINCOLN SQUARE

Fabric Master Upset Over His Demotion

After decades of mastering the intricate drying cycles of delicates, semi-delicates, rayon, silk, polyester, cotton, blankies, boots, hats, rugs, and small pets, The Fabric Master has been relegated to the far musty corner of this Northside basement where he has been assigned to the much maligned dish towel and re-usable diaper duties. His resentment is brewing as the new Kenmore XL2000 moisture meter continues to deliver dry shrink-free yoga pants to a fawning mother day after day. "Just wait until she sees how much those replacement parts cost, she'll be begging me for work again. I'm the real Yogi here," Fabric Master muttered in disgust.
EDGEWATER

Grilled Cheese Banned from Open House

A young vegetarian couple was rudely asked to leave an open house this weekend for eating a grilled gruyere on seven grain sourdough with free range fair trade mustard. As they protested, the seller barked, "How would it make you feel if someone grabbed your udders in an exploitative manner?" Still no response from the buyers.
WICKER PARK

Seller Keeps Forgetting Her Name

After years of forgetting what people called her, the owner of this quaint northside home decided she would trade her notorious brooches for a rainbow assortment of easy-to-remove adhesive identifiers that required minimal storage space in her coat closet.
ANDERSONVILLE

I Always Feel Like...Somebody's Watching Me

The potential buyers of this Humboldt Park single family home couldn't escape the eerie feeling that somebody was watching them.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Charmin Introduces the "Multi-Ply"

Couples and families who have long disagreed over the thickness of their bathroom tissue paper can rest easy with Charmin's new Multi-Ply, advertised as "Use what you need, and they'll use what they need. Everyone's happy with Charmin's new Multi-ply."
RIVER NORTH