Stairs to Nowhere Bill Finally Passes

After years of wrangling between lobbyists on both sides of the Stairs to Nowhere issue, Congress finally passed the controversial legislation which advocates hail as an important milestone in providing impoverished families with the physical embodiment "of a way out" that will in turn help jump start the economy, while opponents are decrying the passage as "just one more needless piece of welfare that handicaps it's recipients rather than setting them free." Local detractors in Chicago are already pointing out loopholes that allow for the hanging of personal clothing items which effectively close the Stairs to Nowhere.
Mayfair

Dutch Woman Last Seen on Roof

An elderly Dutch woman, alleged to be Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas, was last seen on her northwest side bungalow roof, attempting to complete her monthly moth ball distribution. Anyone who may have seen Mrs. VanGoghmetkaas should contact the Association for Lost Dutch Grandmothers making sure to note exact clog size.
PORTAGE PARK

Organic Juice Lady Targets Cobra Drinkers

Local crazy Juice woman known to many locals as "that crazy Juice woman" has elevated her campaign to get Humboldt Park residents to drink healthy yummy organic locally pressed non pasteurized fair trade juice. She is calling her new campaign, "40's for Juice" and is imploring locals currently residing in the park to trade in their favorite malt liquor bottles and receive "a forty that won't need a paper bag."
HUMBOLDT PARK

Bank Lovingly Provides Caretaker's Bedroom

Devastated by a wave of vandalism that has been dragging down the already below market prices of bank owned foreclosures, especially here in Chicago, banks have begun providing incentives for tenants or caretakers to remain in the property in order to maintain the appearance of a home in liveable condition.
ROGERS PARK

Government Regulating Dirty Laundry

In an effort to attract more homebuyers to assist the banks in alleviating their increasing foreclosure stock, the federal government has recently passed the SLOPPI(Soiled Laundry OMG Prevents Purchaser's Interest) Bill to assuage potential buyers fears that discarded clothing articles will become inherited fixtures. Violators, who refuse to place a visible barricade no closer than 32 inches from the offending pile, are urged to be reported to the SLOPPI hotline, 800-RU-SLOPI.
ROGERS PARK

Bathroom Escape Hatches Gaining Popularity

Developers and Remodelers in Chicago are responding to growing homeowner demand to provide washroom facilities that allow users to exit through a backdoor in order to avoid issues that may result from the user's recent breakdown at dinner over her husband's inappropriate use of a salad fork to eat his steak, or itching desire to escape the constant nagging of her mother-in-law, or simply to allow the Indian dinner to air itself naturally.
RAVENSWOOD

Local Poets Fighting Gentrification

In the ongoing saga to keep local Chicago neighborhoods real, and free from the onslaught of people who care about their properties, block, and children, local poets have gone on a poetic rampage, with rivals posting lesser knowns tags:
Tattletales get Battlenails
Sellouts get Hellpouts
Yuppies get Puppies
HUMBOLDT PARK (where else?)

Don't Worry, Just a Small Leak

Realtors earned their name because they are so Realistic, evidenced by the multiple assurances delivered by this realtor that "it's nothing, just a small leak, very easy to fix". The seller's realtor was so realistic she avoided standing under the soon to collapse ceiling of this Logan Square single family home.
LOGAN SQUARE

Seller Brags About New Shower Seat

Taking over tour duties for his slack realtor, the excitable seller of this Jefferson Park two flat raved about the health benefits he has received over the years from enjoying extended showers sitting upright on his homemade therapeutic resting spot, one he affectionately called his "little wet pole".
JEFFERSON PARK

Recent Recent New Artifact Found

Finally, after thirty nine years of sleep in the back corner of this Ravenswood basement, a bourbon bottle has not exceeded it's promise.
RAVENSWOOD

New Porch Embarrassed by Views

After a $9,000 facelift to comply with Chicago's "if it can't hold a mack truck, it's out" new porch ordinance, this near west side porch has requested that visitors refrain from looking to their right, or they will be asked to leave. When asked for comment, the rehabbed porch grunted, "location, location location my @ss. why they no say, 'neighbor, neighbor, neighbor'. No matter what job you have. All job stinky. Matter who work with you."
UKRAINIAN VILLAGE

ComEd Introduces Fahrenheit Plus

In it's continued efforts to get customers to cut their energy use, and reduce profits to shareholders, ComEd has recently introduced FahrenheitPlus, a revolutionary new temperature system that takes the emotional pain out of setting your thermostat to 74 degrees in the winter. Now, you can simply round up, call it '8' and enjoy the warmth.
BOWMANVILLE

Estate Sale forces Girl Watchers to Relocate

After the unfortunate death of the International Girl Watching founder, the world headquarters of the International Order is desperately looking for another basement where they can conduct their weekly meetings where topics such as "the demise of Thin Mint", "what happened to those pretty circles they used to draw over the "i"?", and "what is so special about this Justin Bieber?"
LINCOLN SQUARE

Fabric Master Upset Over His Demotion

After decades of mastering the intricate drying cycles of delicates, semi-delicates, rayon, silk, polyester, cotton, blankies, boots, hats, rugs, and small pets, The Fabric Master has been relegated to the far musty corner of this Northside basement where he has been assigned to the much maligned dish towel and re-usable diaper duties. His resentment is brewing as the new Kenmore XL2000 moisture meter continues to deliver dry shrink-free yoga pants to a fawning mother day after day. "Just wait until she sees how much those replacement parts cost, she'll be begging me for work again. I'm the real Yogi here," Fabric Master muttered in disgust.
EDGEWATER

Grilled Cheese Banned from Open House

A young vegetarian couple was rudely asked to leave an open house this weekend for eating a grilled gruyere on seven grain sourdough with free range fair trade mustard. As they protested, the seller barked, "How would it make you feel if someone grabbed your udders in an exploitative manner?" Still no response from the buyers.
WICKER PARK

Seller Keeps Forgetting Her Name

After years of forgetting what people called her, the owner of this quaint northside home decided she would trade her notorious brooches for a rainbow assortment of easy-to-remove adhesive identifiers that required minimal storage space in her coat closet.
ANDERSONVILLE

I Always Feel Like...Somebody's Watching Me

The potential buyers of this Humboldt Park single family home couldn't escape the eerie feeling that somebody was watching them.
HUMBOLDT PARK

Charmin Introduces the "Multi-Ply"

Couples and families who have long disagreed over the thickness of their bathroom tissue paper can rest easy with Charmin's new Multi-Ply, advertised as "Use what you need, and they'll use what they need. Everyone's happy with Charmin's new Multi-ply."
RIVER NORTH

Remaining in the Closet Not So Easy

A tenant who has spent his entire life hiding in the closet is not taking lightly to his landlady's recent rehab work.
ALBANY PARK

The King of Beers is now King of Anti-Freeze

Under the weight of burgeoning micro-brew sales, Anheuser-Busch has decided to market it's swill to foreclosure preservation companies that need to prevent water pipes from freezing. Banks are refusing to comment though on the increased number of intoxicated men with clipboards, snoring in the bathtub.
ROGERS PARK

Couple Takes Mad Men Euphoria Too Far

First they bought the Eames lounge chair, then the Egg chair, then the Tulip chair, then switched from weekend Miller Lites to nightly whiskeys, then from lululemon pants and University of Michigan sweatshirts to pencil skirts and skinny ties, but now the sellers of this not very mid-century bungalow have decided to only communicate with the Talk-A-Phone, summed up by the seller's husband best when he told us, "just like Draper, baby".
PORTAGE PARK

Foreclosures Going Green

Riding the wave of Green euphoria sweeping the nation, banks have recently decided to provide green energy to their abandoned dilapidated uncared for properties so that prospective buyers will have solar powered lighting to witness the complete destruction caused by the bank's fine managerial practices.
BRIDGEPORT

Seller Finds Tiles to Match Wall

After spending several hours at the Tile Outlet store, this home seller finally located two boxes of tiles, labeled 'Ebony Fungi', to match the unique patterns taking shape on his bathroom wall.
HERMOSA

Seller Appeals to Fans of Hanging Objects

In an effort to distinguish his mixed used storefront and apartment from other sellers, this Greatest Generation veteran decided to showcase various hanging items that can attract both afficionados of deconstructed mobiles and budget minded buyers looking for cost effective home security systems.
BUCKTOWN

Renegade Traveler Prepares for New Years

After years of swiping airplane shots from the carts of unsuspecting flight attendants, this intrepid Chicago flyer has decided to restore her antique dining room hutch back to it's natural state by welcoming in the new year with her prized bounty, including a rare bottle of Eastern Airline's signature Rumplemintz Dark.
AVONDALE

Bed Toys Unite & Beg You to Buy Home

In a desperate attempt to relocate to a bedroom that will allow them more space, sleeping companions from very divided factions have united in their plea to passing buyers. A young Bart Simpson pleaded with a potential buyer, "If I have to spend one more night crammed in Dora's armpit I'm gonna go on a serious rampage. Would ya just buy the place already!" The bi-partisan toy camp seemed to have no comment on the faulty plumbing fixtures and excessive listing price.
Logan Square

Single Mom Asks to Leave the Lights On

Since it's the holiday season, and this lovely family of three was planning on traveling to visit their Uncle Joseph, who had an uncanny resemblance to his nephew and niece, they requested that visitors to their well kept Victorian home keep their lights on in case Uncle Nickie comes down the chimney, and needs to find the fridge.
Logan Square

Squirrel's Mom Beginning to Worry

Two weeks have passed, and Mom is beginning to fear the worst. This would be the fourth child she has lost this year, and she's begun to narrow her suspicions down to the mischievous seller of this Humboldt Park brick three flat who proudly describes himself as an "urban hunter and one bad#$$ salsa dancer."
Humboldt Park

Dual Flush Toilets for the Budget Minded

First time home buyers with limited budgets have discovered that five minutes with a sledgehammer significantly strengthens their environmental credentials.
Humboldt Park

Seller's Wife Refuses to Lower Price

After submitting a reasonable offer for this Logan Square vintage brick cottage with a wonderful post-modern library collection, the buyers were shocked to have it flatly rejected by an apologetic husband who simply shrugged his dashiki clad shoulders, and said, "it's out of my hands, sorry."
Logan Square

Embarrassed Dog Locks Himself in Bedroom

An apparently large and loud dog locked himself in his bedroom during a recent Humboldt Park property showing, howling with shame as the confused buyers debated the best way to see the locked master suite.
Humboldt Park

Buyer Still Deciding Whether it's Safe to Go

As of press time, the anxious buyer was still alone in the Avondale basement, staring, deciding if something would come up and bite her if she used the facility. She also debated the functionality, hygiene, privacy, and legal implications of using the commode during the showing.
AVONDALE

Optical Illusion Turns Out to Not Be

Two windows for the price of one. Some contractors are now offering this special throughout the Southside for value oriented consumers. They plan on launching a similar program for doors in the Spring.
Bridgeport

Owners Suspected of Sacrificing...Something

The prospective buyers of this Lincoln Square greystone tried desperately to figure out why there were bones and fabric around the fireplace. When asked if they wanted to take another look at the new master suite addition, they responded with a curt, "No, this is much more interesting."
LINCOLN SQUARE

Ruins of Failed Organic Family Discovered

An Albany Park homeseller has given up on growing food for his family after he discovered that tomatoes only come up once a year compared to his local Dominicks where he can get them everyday. His wife then discovered the same about carrots, and peas, and broccoli. They asked me to let everybody know that there is a great coupon for 99 cents frozen spinach. Only valid this week.
Albany Park

Former Owner Haunts Foreclosure

Prospective buyers of a Logan Square two flat claimed a creepy presence was following them in the garage, completely abandoned except for a wrought iron window guard, which clearly confused the buyer when she nervously asked, "What is a Rawl?"
Logan Square

Buyer Tries to Sneak Nap on Grannie's Bed

A buyer circled Granma's attic resting spot over and over, tempted by the sweet smells of starch, moth balls, and childhood memories. Only when the elderly seller of this Northside Chicago bungalow came upstairs did the buyer ask, "Is the bed included in the sale?"
Mayfair

Makers of Simon Create Keyless Door

After years of lackluster sales and declining market position due to the advent of, well, pretty much everything, the manufacturers of the formerly popular game Simon have introduced their highly praised keyless windowless penitentiary door to Chicago. Users will no longer have to worry about losing their keys, but inebriation, medication, or life may cause them difficulty in remembering the complex color codes needed to open Fannie Mae's steel gauntlet to their light-free homes.
Ukrainian Village

Montessori Says Creativity Must Have Limits

Montessori officials allegedly are not taking kindly to the growing Montefiore movement in Chicago, an affordable charter alternative to the pricey educational offerings of Montessori. One official was overheard stating that "those guys should just be called the M.F'ers. Nobody discounts Montessori. They'll always be McDowell's to us!"
Chicago

Brick Union Now Known as Wallpaper Union

What's happened to Chicago's famed brick walls, a fixture in the city for over one hundred years? Some blame the rising popularity of the vomit face block used in many new construction dwellings, while others keep shouting, "It's the banks" or "It's cause of China." Union reps and Builders have all taken notice, and are now offering homeowners tuckpoint-free brick for interiors, promising easy sponge cleaning and a look just guaranteed to impress.
Bridgeport (where else?)

Going Green: Seller Makes Dubious Claim

In an effort to appeal to the Green Generation, more homesellers are deciding to support their homes with fallen utility poles, rather than Chinese made metal products. When this seller was asked what he planned on doing about the other 27 missing structural supports, he said, "Being GREEN ain't easy, ya know. It takes time, and patience, but in the end, use get a good product, ya know." Seconds later the Buyer was seen fleeing from the organic basement.
Pilsen

Renegade Jewish Stenciler Strikes Again

In a trend sweeping Chicago's foreclosures, low budget Jewish graffiti artists are decorating abandoned walls. Some speculate that this is actually an insidious strategy to deter the anti-semitic buying population from purchasing, and drive down prices. A spokesperson for the Jewish stencil gang allegedly claimed his group only uses blue Stars of David, and suggested concerned parties contact the local Satanist gangs who utilize the same star. When told there was no evidence of blood, Lucifer's spokesperson claimed, "nope, not ours. Check the Rastas." Still waiting for their response...
West Town

Couple Foreclosed On for Bad Taste

During a meeting with a Citibank loan officer regarding the possible restructuring of a Logan Square couple's mortgage, the bank official was overhead yelling, "Are you kidding me? You've got to be f#@k'n kidding me! The reason you haven't been able to sell your home in two and half years is because nobody wants to buy a rotting frame house with walls covered in fake gold paneling! But, can I interest you in a 0% transfer offer on our new CitiForeClosez credit card?"
Logan Square

Buyers Kept Awake by Strange Ceiling

Despite finding two other appealing homes, a Chicago couple spent the night arguing and googling about what could have been on the ceiling in that one Northside two flat that they had no intention of buying. Sculpted metal? Antique tin panel ceiling? Papier-mâché? An elaborate water leak cover-up? The work of an alien race?
Old Irving Park

Dawgs Refuse Banks' Bones for Keys Offer

After twenty-one months of missed mortgage payments, failed loan modifications, and refusals to answer automated phone calls, this Northside family of twenty-six Croatian Dalmations was offered a lucrative Bones for Keys incentive to politely exit their dwelling. After some heated barkuments, the family decided they would rather live rent free then give up their doodie-when-we-want-how-we-want home for a two week supply of low quality Purina dog bones.
EDGEWATER

Electricians Take Bribes from da Limbo Union

Seen as a sign of the ever growing powers of the Limbo Union in Chicago, electricians have been exposing their metal piping in doorways throughout the city in an effort to abide by the Limbo Union's stated mission of getting citizens to re-gain an appreciation for America's favorite birthday party ritual, and in turn put many out of work limbo stick holders, dancers, manufacturers, distributors, & mc's back to work. How low can YOU go?
Pilsen

Foreclosed Owner Aligns Himself with Greece

Greece's impending economic implosion is being met with genuine empathy by certain foreclosed Chicago homeowners, who know all too well the tragic results of fiscal irresponsibility. But the same owners are expressing hope, since two years of zero mortgage payments have left their eager bank accounts ready for the purchase of a lovely whitewashed island cottage on Santorini, complete with a hot dog souvlaki food truck.
LOGAN SQUARE